Sami's Corner - 3 months

Three months! Sami is already 3 months.  Time flies, yet at the same time, some days have seemed endless.  Those are usually the days filled with worry.  The rest of the days are filled with smiles and coos, and even, a first laugh!

Weight & Length: We haven't had a pediatrician's visit for 3 months, so this is my educated guess.  I think she's probably about 23 and a half inches long, just shy of 2 feet.  And she's hovering at around 10 and a half pounds.  I feel like she's definitely still growing but perhaps at a slower pace.

Features:  Her hair at the back has gotten lighter.  It looks blond, with a slight hue of red.  The top of her head is darker, a shade of brown, though, in the sunlight, it looks lighter (if you ask me).  Her hair on the top of her head has gotten longer, while she's lost some hair on the back of her head, from the constant back and forth motions she does while laying on her back.  Her eyes are definitely grey and blue.  They change from day to day.  The light seems to affect them too.

Feedings: She's a good eater. We enjoy our special time together during feedings.  She's started daycare so she's drinking out of a bottle a lot more.  She's still exclusively drinking breastmilk.  When at school, she eats a good 3.5 to 4 oz a feeding.  Sometimes she goes 3 hours between feedings, sometimes it's closer to 4 hours.  At home, she eats a little more often.

Sleep: She's been sleeping a little longer at night.  Some nights she will go down at 11:00, sometimes a little earlier.  She'll usually be up around 5 or 5:30.  I usually can get a few cuddles in before heading out to work at 6:00.

Likes: Bathtime. She's starting to smile when taking a bath but still seems shocked when she first touches the water.  She's enjoyed it from the getgo.  Never cries, except on occasion when she comes out of the tub.  She LOVES Dada.  She gave him her first laugh on Thursday when she turned 3 months old, while we were taking pictures.  She loves kicking around in her bassinet, which is almost too big for her! How did that happen?  She seems to really enjoy one of the play mats at daycare.  So much so that I bought an identical one for home, just a different color.  She loves "The Wheels on the Bus" as we gesture with each rhyme.  Her favorite seems to be "the boy on the bus says 'let's go play'", which Daddy frowns at. lol.

Dislikes:  She does not like being congested.  Who does?  She caught a cold her first week at daycare, and is still hanging on to it.  Hopefully it goes away in a few more days.  Why did I somehow think she'd be impervious to getting sick?  Wishful thinking most likely.  She is not a fan of being in the car when it isn't moving.  When we leave daycare and get stuck at the red light, she will let me know about it.

Mama's fears:  It's been a tough month for fears.  Her starting daycare which is tough in itself, never mind what happened to Preston while at daycare.  It's a completely different daycare and type of daycare but it was still a very difficult transition.  I think starting her 3 days before I went back to work was smart.  It allowed me to go visit her all three days and it helped reassure me that she was well cared for, and that she was happy while there.  They take pictures and send them to us during the day, which always makes me smile.  Aside from daycare, Preston's angelversary on the 13th of March was a day that had me on high alert.  It didn't help that Sami developed her first cold a few days earlier which had me worried about her while she slept.  I didn't sleep great that night, which was difficult because I too caught her cold and was totally run down.  I have another fear to deal with his coming month and that's Sami getting past 114 days.  I'm sure I'll be on edge until she's 18 months old, but getting past 114 days will be a great hurtle to pass.

Mama's proud moments: She's starting to reach for things more and more.  She can hold things for extended periods of time.  And while she's not fully conscious of what she's doing, she's really getting there.  She giggles a little every day.  It's not a true giggle, but it's a high pitched coo.  She has given a full on laugh, to dad, while we took pictures on March 17th.  She smiles all the time and it lights up the room.

Just because:  She's totally out of wearing newborn sized clothes, except one outfit that somehow still fits.  I think that brand just makes their "newborn" sizes larger.

A couple days before she started daycare, I went to Babies "R" Us to get some of the things she would need - crib sheets, more bibs and burp cloths, a couple sleep sacks, and a couple outfits in the event that she gets them dirty.  OMG... there's too much cute clothes for baby girls.  I could have gone bananas and spent a thousand bucks.  Easily.  Overalls.  Little dresses. Bows.  Needless to say, I bought more than the 2 outfits I had planned.  I must have bought 7 or 8.  Oh, I can't wait for warmer weather so that she can wear the little sundresses :)

Pictures:

 Starting to swat at things

Bouncy chair fun times

All ready to meet Mama and Dada's co-workers

Is this magic?

Mama visited me at daycare!

So focused!

Grabbing things

Mommy's lucky charm, St. Paddy's Day

Monthly photo shoots are fun!

My dad is so silly. He makes me giggled.

And, I'm done with this photo shoot. 

2 years gone by

March 13th. The bane of my existence.  2 years ago, the absolute worst day of my life.  It replays in my mind over and over again.

2 years have come and gone since Preston passed away.  It's hard to believe.  It's been the longest 2 years without him.  How I wish he could be there to see his little sister grow.  I bet he would teach her so much.  I bet they would have so much fun together.  Instead, she is deprived of his sweet existence.

I wish I wrote on my blog more often.  Time has made it so I don't need to write as often.  The arrival of Samantha, has reduced the amount of time I have to write.  I think of my little man every single day.  I constantly talk to him, as Sami's guardian angel.  I miss him eternally.

I don't like to remember this day.  I have said it before, I wish I could erase it from the calendar.  But it is hard to forget such a day.  I don't wish to celebrate this day in any way, but I do like the thought of making it into a family day.  This year, that didn't really happen.

The day was difficult for sure.  As to not help things, for the first time, Sami is sick with a cold.  A stuffy nose and a little cough.  Given the date, I hardly slept last night wanting to make sure she was breathing ok.  On top of her having a cold, hubby and I also have it.  And I had some minor food poisoning last night.  Perfect storm right?

We spent as much time together today as possible, but it was interrupted by naps so that we can all heal from this cold.  And then chores that had to be done because tomorrow is Monday, and my first full week back to work.

The nice thing is, despite feeling ill, Sami still flashed her smile a ton today.  Which helped a ton to get through this day.

Every day without Preston remains, and will always remain difficult.  I can't fathom that 2 years have passed by, yet like I said earlier, it's also been a very long, dragged out two years.  I reckon that every year that passes will feel like that when it comes to my son.

Sweet P.  How I miss you.  How I wish things could be different.  I long to hold you and cuddle with you.  I pray that Heaven is a beautiful place, and that you are able to flash your smile for everyone.  I pray that you continue to live on in people's hearts.  People you've met, people who you've touched through this blog.  For sure, you live on in my heart.  Every single day. I love you. xxxx

This is the last picture I have of Preston.  Taken 3/10/2014

March Madness

No I'm not talking about basketball.

I've been totally dreading the month of March.  So many triggers.  So many changes.  So much to adapt to.

In 11 days, it will have been 2 years since we lost our son.  2 years... where does the time go?  I honestly can't believe that it has been that long.  And at the same time, it feels like AGES ago since I last saw Preston's sweet smile.  Since I last kissed his forehead and rocked him to sleep.  It's maddening really.

In a handful of days, Samantha starts daycare.  I'm not looking forward to it at all.  It's frightening because Preston was at daycare (mind you a different daycare) when he stopped breathing.  It's scary because I won't be there every minute to check on her.  It's so difficult because I don't know how she'll react, or handle it.  Her first day, is going to be a long day for me.  Her first month will be difficult.  The first year... I just don't feel ready... but life isn't about being ready is it?

I return to work in a week.  While my mind is ready for the stimulation, and the hectic every day work... my heart isn't.  Ahead of schedule, I am reminding myself that the days will fly by.  That I will be surrounded by people who support me and care about me.  I remind myself that I will have tons of pictures that I can hang up to make missing Sami a little less painful.

It is a lot to deal with.  I'm not ready... but ready or not... March is here.

One day at a time.

One step at a time.

One moment at a time.  Life is so precious.  Life is so fragile.  I've known that for a long time, and I'm reminded of it every day.  The first month back to work is probably going to be really difficult.  And all I can do, is take it slow.  Love every minute that I get with Sami.  And just try to remain calm in the meantime.

Preston, mama misses you daily.  I wish you were here...

To everyone out there, hug and kiss your loved ones.  Tell them you love them.  Life is precious... more than you know.

The forgotten pizza

February 19th.  Less than a month shy since 2 years will have passed since Preston left us for Heaven.  It happened.  I forgot.

I never thought that I could.  And I can make excuses.  It didn't register in my mind that today was the 19th.  I can't eat dairy so making pizza didn't come to mind.  I had chicken in the fridge that had to be cooked.

But still.  I feel low.  I feel horrendous.  I feel like a failure.  I feel sad.  I forgot.

It's not that I didn't think of Preston today.  I thought of him this morning when I placed my special necklace on his urn.  I thought of him as I was rocking Samantha in her nursery, formerly his nursery.  I thought of him because of certain items in the room.  I thought of him because of a song that played.  I thought of him later in the day as I saw tokens around the living room - a bunny, a special little P figurine.  I thought of him as I was going through pictures on my google account and there was a picture that I didn't take or save.  All it was, was the letter P.  Where it came from? No idea.

I started the chicken in the crock pot late in the afternoon.  After being home for a bit, my husband commented that it smelled delicious but that today was the 19th.  Where was the pizza?  Bless his heart, it's not his fault.  But I cried.  How could I forget?  I don't care that I have excuses.  No excuse is good enough to forget to celebrate my son.  We had pizza.  We took the cheese off my pieces.

I hope it never happens again.

Preston, Mama is sorry with all her heart.  I can only hope that you forgive me.  And I hold on to the fact that you did, because right after I realized what I'd done, my friend Meghann sent me a picture of a rainbow telling me she saw it and thought of me.  It had to be you. 

I love you my sweet boy.  I miss you with all my heart, and I wish you could be with me.  I wish you could see your beautiful little sister grow.  I wish you could experience her smile.  And of course, I know you see it all and experience it in your own way... but I wish it was different.

Missing you always.  I may have forgotten your pizza, but I think of you every day.  I promise.

Sami's Corner - 2 months

What an amazing little person Sami is turning into.  Another chapter closes as she enters her 3rd month into this world.  In just a few weeks, she'll be starting daycare, and I'll be returning to work.  Time certainly does not cease to go by too quickly...



Weight & Length:  As of 2/18/16, Sami weighed 9 lbs and 6.4 oz.  This means that in a month, she's gained almost a pound and a half (a rate of .75 ounces a day).  And if you ask me, we weighed her at home the other day and she weighed 10 lbs on the spot.  Seems like there's a lot of fluctuation on a daily basis.  The great thing is, she's growing! She's now in the 7th percentile, up from the 2nd in weight.  As for her length, she measured 23 inches.  Again, that's quite the growth - 1.75 inches.  She's in the 78th percentile for length. Go Sami go!

Features:  The color of her hair still boggles my mind.  The top looks darker than the rest.  The sides look totally blond, and part of the back has a tint of red.  I've no clue what color her hair will be.  It is getting longer which is fun.  She has several locks that are a couple inches long.  Before long, she'll be sporting pigtails.  On the top of her forehead, on the right side, her hairline naturally separates. It's so cute.  Her eyes are mostly grey, but every now and then they look blue.  Loving it.  She's got her Dada's eyes.  Her jaundice is pretty much gone.  Maybe still tints of it in her eyes but that's about it. Yay!

Feedings:  Sami usually eats about 7 times a day, which means yay, she's sleeping through the night (well at least goes 5 hours most nights between feedings).  She's still nursing which is great bonding time for us though I pump in the morning to get some extra winks and her dad gets to feed her for their bonding time.  She's drinking 3-3.5 ounces a feeding from what we've been able to gather, and her pediatrician said that's just fine.  She can probably take up to 4 ounces, but most breastfed babies, eat less than 4, but drink more often than a formula fed baby.  Her tummy troubles have disappeared for the most part.  Looks like the cow's milk intolerance was to blame.

Sleep:  As mentioned above, she usually goes 5-6 hours between her last feeding of the day and her first morning feeding.  That being said, it doesn't mean she sleeps the whole time.  She's usually up 15-30 minutes after eating her last "meal" which means she probably sleeps 4.5-5.5 hours.  I think she's slept 6 hours a couple times.  During the day, she's usually up in 1.5 hour chunks and then sleeps 1 to 1.5 hours before wanting to eat again.  Every now and then, she'll sleep a little longer.

Likes:  She loves taking in the world.  If you sit her up after a feeding and she will wobble her head from side to side trying to see everything.  She's got a strong neck for doing so.  She likes kicking around in her living room bassinet.  She'll either chat with Rocky Bear, or stare at the ceiling fan and light, whether it's spinning or not.  Spinning, she prefers.  If you go play with her while she's in her bassinet, she will give you smiles... or at least she gives me smiles :).  Daddy says that she LOVES Mama.  Anytime she's upset, if I hold her on my chest, everything seems better.  Coincidentally, Daddy seems better too.

Dislikes:  She doesn't seem to mind being wet as much anymore.  She does not like getting shots, but who does.  Oh my poor baby yesterday when she received her vaccinations. :(  Burping is not her favorite activity.  She would prefer to keep eating.

Mama's fears:  Starting daycare.  For obvious reasons.  She's not going where Preston went, that's a given.  And she won't be in an in-home daycare.  Still, it's a scary thought.  We went for a visit there last week and stayed about an hour.  I feel a little better about the idea.  I plan for us to go back next week and see how she does with someone else feeding her, and see how she naps in a crib.

With Sami getting her vaccinations yesterday, I worried about a fever.  Thankfully, her temperature never broke 100.  There have been other things to worry about of course.  A little rash here.  Changes in her digestion.  And I'm probably forgetting a bunch of other little things that I've had fears about, which I probably shouldn't worry about.

I worry about her getting closer to being 16 weeks old.  I'm guessing that's normal since that's the time frame we lost Preston at.  It's scary.  I absolutely do not want to lose her.

Mama's proud moments:  On a brighter note, she's learned to smile.  Just like Preston did, she gave her first smile to Grandpa, my dad.  Every day since then she's started smiling more and more.  It's absolutely beautiful.  It brightens up every day for me.

She's super alert.  She wants to learn everything.  She's strong.  She has a really strong neck.  Every now and then she grabs her pacifier.  I've seen her put it back in her mouth a couple times.

Just because:  She loves being left to herself in her bassinet.  To kick around and coo.  To talk to Rocky Bear.  To stare at the ceiling fan.  To smile at you if you smile and talk to her.  It's become one of my favorite things.

We had a tough moment this month.  We put on her a pajama that belonged to Preston.  She looked so much like him.  We had to take it off.  It's incredible - she can make me so happy and make me feel so whole.. yet never will I be and I'm constantly reminded of that.  Not that I want to be whole, but I do want her to have a life where she feels totally loved, and happy.  I want her to feel like she makes us happy.  That she is enough.  And she is.  And at the same time, I wish Preston was here.

Samantha still has days where she will only sleep if you are holding her.  She is however, starting to be able to fall asleep on her own, if she's nicely bundled up.  It's nice for her, but I will miss the times where the only way she would fall asleep is if I held her.

There isn't much she doesn't like.  While she can be fussy when she's overly tired, or hungry, she's a pretty easy baby.  She's pleasant to be around.  She can be miss independent.  And her smiles make my heart skip a beat. Every time.

She's outgrown most of the newborn stuff.  There's still a few items that fit but very few.  She's mostly into the 0-3 month old stuff.  Let me tell you, those are the sizes I love the most.  Clothes that are 0-3 months.  They've been fitting her since she was born (though they were just a tad big at the time).  Gerber makes some nice stuff in those transitional sizes. Just a Mama tip :)

Pictures:

All ready for a car ride!  Not quite a month ago.  How big you've gotten since then!

Starting to be curious about the world

With the baby whisperer - Granpa

I absolutely love her in this hat. So cute!!

And the slippers!

Hum... what kind of mischief can I cause....

The frowny face

With Dada :)

Boy she looks like Preston in this picture.

I like what I'm looking at!

Hum, this dress doesn't quite fit.... by baby girl is too long!

Cutie pie.  Still can't believe she's 2 months old!

Has to be one of my favorite pictures. It's my backdrop for my computer now.  Just so happy!  I treasure this smile every day.  Sweet Sam.

This one, is just as sweet.  Love you honey bunny. xxx

Positively February 2016: Day 4

Being happy doesn't mean everything perfect.  It means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections. - Unknown

Happy had been a word I've struggled with since losing Preston.  For a long time I felt like I didn't have the right to be happy, or I shouldn't be happy.  I felt guilty when I had happy moments.

It still happens that I feel guilty for being happy.

The truth is though, I need to have happiness in my life in order to live, to survive.  And while I'll never be as happy as I could have been, I do get to be happy.

While I'll never be completely happy, I do have the right to be happy.  I lost a child, but it doesn't mean that my life should be eternal doom and gloom.  I continue to be sad every day that I don't get to have with Preston, but I also know that he wants me to be happy.  Especially now that his little sister is here.  She deserves to be happy.  She deserves to have happy parents.

And in no way, does being happy mean that I've forgotten my child.  I think this is a fear a lot of mourning parents have. If I smile, or am happy, others will judge me and think that I am over the loss.  They will think I don't care about my baby enough.

You don't get over the loss.  Ever.  And if anyone judges you and thinks that you don't love your child enough, you don't need them in your life.  Surround yourself with people who will support you, lift you up when you need it.  Sever ties with those that make you feel worse.  You have every right to happiness.  It won't be perfect happiness, but you can certainly have it again if you allow yourself to see past your loss.  It'll be with you always.  Your child will always be a part of you.

Positively February 2016: Day 3

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.   - Joseph Campbell

My sweet boy.  I remember the day we had professional pictures taken like it was yesterday.  I'm not good at remembering things vividly.  I remember that day really well.  And after Preston passed, I felt so much guilt.  Guilt for going back to work.  Guilt for sending him to daycare.  Guilt for not spending as much time with him as I could have.  Guilt for not being there for his final moments.  And guilt for wanting a picture of him as an angel.  I thought it would be cute.  And of course it is cute, but I felt and still feel like I tempted fate... given that now Preston is a real angel.

Guilt is one of those emotions that often appears into my conscience.  Sometimes it is brought on by an event, or a thought.  Sometimes it just lingers for days on end.  It's probably the grieving emotion I've felt the most aside from sadness.

Sadness.  Guilt.  These emotions are what made me need to find some joy to be able to survive.  To be able to move forward.  To be able to get through each day.  

My place of joy?  Remembering all those special smiles that Preston would flash at me.  All I had to do was smile at him and there was his beaming smile.  I have hung on to the memories of the happiness that exuded from my son.  I have grasped on to the notion that Preston would want me to be happy.  That he would want me to find a reason to smile every day.

And it's worked.  For the most part anyway.

With the arrival of Preston's sister, Samantha, I've now another pure source of joy.