February 19th. Less than a month shy since 2 years will have passed since Preston left us for Heaven. It happened. I forgot.
I never thought that I could. And I can make excuses. It didn't register in my mind that today was the 19th. I can't eat dairy so making pizza didn't come to mind. I had chicken in the fridge that had to be cooked.
But still. I feel low. I feel horrendous. I feel like a failure. I feel sad. I forgot.
It's not that I didn't think of Preston today. I thought of him this morning when I placed my special necklace on his urn. I thought of him as I was rocking Samantha in her nursery, formerly his nursery. I thought of him because of certain items in the room. I thought of him because of a song that played. I thought of him later in the day as I saw tokens around the living room - a bunny, a special little P figurine. I thought of him as I was going through pictures on my google account and there was a picture that I didn't take or save. All it was, was the letter P. Where it came from? No idea.
I started the chicken in the crock pot late in the afternoon. After being home for a bit, my husband commented that it smelled delicious but that today was the 19th. Where was the pizza? Bless his heart, it's not his fault. But I cried. How could I forget? I don't care that I have excuses. No excuse is good enough to forget to celebrate my son. We had pizza. We took the cheese off my pieces.
I hope it never happens again.
Preston, Mama is sorry with all her heart. I can only hope that you forgive me. And I hold on to the fact that you did, because right after I realized what I'd done, my friend Meghann sent me a picture of a rainbow telling me she saw it and thought of me. It had to be you.
I love you my sweet boy. I miss you with all my heart, and I wish you could be with me. I wish you could see your beautiful little sister grow. I wish you could experience her smile. And of course, I know you see it all and experience it in your own way... but I wish it was different.
Missing you always. I may have forgotten your pizza, but I think of you every day. I promise.
I read this the day you posted, but I am just getting some time now to comment. This broke my heart - but only because you were so upset. I know Preston is not upset with you. I'll admit - there has been one night that I forgot to read to my boys. I still think of how I failed to do that and I still feel guilty. I stopped drinking orange juice on their birthdays a long time ago. But we do what we need to, when we need to. You celebrate him in so many different ways that forgetting pizza one day is not a big deal. Your love for him is so obvious, with or without pizza :)
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