Big steps, little steps

It's been a while, I realize.  More than a month really since some consistent posts.  I hadn't planned to take a hiatus from my blog, but it happened.

What really happened you ask?

I was exhausted.  I felt unwell.  But you see, there were good reasons for it.  In the middle of April, I realized I was pregnant.  I realized it even before taking a pregnancy test that confirmed it.  Morning sickness, or as I experienced it, all day long sickness set in about a month later.  I'd be riding the train home, longing for my bed and it wasn't even 5:00pm.  The nausea took it's toll on me.  I tried to keep a good attitude about it, I feel like I hid it well at work, but when I got home, it just seemed harder to deal with because I didn't have the energy to "fake" it any longer.

Trouble is, the nausea, along with other pregnancy symptoms like hormones throwing my whole digestive system upside down, made for an interesting struggle in my mind.  These are symptoms that I've always associated with a Crohn's flare up.  And while, deep down, I knew it was the pregnancy, there was always that nagging thought at the back of my mind.

Now, at almost 15 weeks (tomorrow), the nausea has dissipated.  Not disappeared but certainly decreased significantly.

I'd started logging how I was feeling every week,  starting at week 4, and then my computer crashed when I was about 7 weeks along.  I lost everything I hadn't saved to my trusty USB drive, which thankfully wasn't a lot, but this file was one of them.  Perhaps I can try to summarize my thoughts and feelings below by grouping up weeks.

Week 4-5

I had minimal symptoms.  Some soreness, some stretching feelings in the abdomen and my digestive system started to go crazy.  Mentally, I struggled believing that I was pregnant.  I struggled with how I'd feel about having another baby, about how the pregnancy would be and how the first year would be.  I hung on to this simple notion.  My baby's due date is December 24, 2015.  Christmas Eve.  As you know, my faith was really shaken when we lost Preston.  Quite honestly, it still and probably will be for a while.  However, having Christmas Eve as a due date... it brings me hope that everything will be alright.  After all, that's the night Jesus was born, or the night before he was born.  I felt like this was just a sign that things would work out.  These couple weeks, I was overly emotional, and missing Preston was more intense than it had been in months.

Week 6-13

The nausea set in and didn't go away very much.  I'd drink a ginger ale every morning and that kept my nausea at bay, for the most part.  Can I say how I don't want any ginger ale anytime soon?  When the nausea set in, it would stay with me for a couple hours, then go away for an hour or so, if I was lucky, and then it would return.  So on, and so forth, day after day.  The fatigue made it so I could hardly stay up after 8:00, and I'm a night owl.  The pregnancy started feeling more real, and every time I started to worry something might be wrong, Preston would send me a sign to let me know, that things really were ok.  A rainbow, a bunny, a song I hadn't heard in a long time that reminded me of him.  And may I say, despite all the rain we've gotten this year, there have been close to no rainbows, especially compared to last year.  And the bunnies?  Much fewer of them than last year.

Week 14

On this last day of week 14, I'm happy to say that the nausea is less intense and less present.  The week has presented some challenges.  I'm not sure what triggered me to worry on Monday morning's train ride into work... Maybe the wonder of if I should have had a couple bites of ice cream?  Of if there might have been something I ate that could have harmed the baby?  I prayed for signs that I was just freaking out for nothing.  I got one instantly (though I'm sad to say I don't remember what it was - not a bunny, I know that much).  I felt like it was just a coincidence and asked for more signs.  I saw 2 bunnies during my train ride, which could have been really easy to miss since the train doesn't exactly go slow.  And I heard Iris which I hadn't had the privilege of listening to in a long time.  I have no choice but to believe that Preston's little sister or brother, has a guardian angel.

Looking to the future

I look forward to feeling the fluttering.  It'll be a good way to feel like things are going well. It'll ease my worries, when they happen.  We hope that next week, we find out whether Preston will have a little sister or brother.  If baby is not co-operative, we'll have to wait until late July.  I don't feel that patient right now, lol.  I'm looking into slowly figuring things out.  We'll have big decisions to make in the fall, most of them regarding the nursery, and Preston's things.  I don't look forward to that, so in the meantime, little steps.

There are so many things to talk about.  And I wish I could write it all down now, but after my Remicade treatment this afternoon, I'm exhausted.  Not baby's fault this time.  I hope to write again soon.  It may be a little while because I really need to finish the quilt square.  I got an extension, but I really need to get it done.  I've made progress, but this border I decided to do.. it's taking forever.  It'll look great once finished, but it's really taking a lot longer than I'd hoped.

Until next time my friends.
Much love.  Miss you guys.  Miss writing.  Miss spreading Preston's smile.