6 months..

I plan to post my day 22 gratitude tonight or later today, but for now, I must acknowledge what today is.  A few hours from now, exactly 6 months ago on 3/13/14, I found out my little boy had stopped breathing in his sleep (I hope, it was in his sleep) while at daycare.  The frantic call from the nanny telling me "Preston's not breathing" continues to haunt me, and I hear it over and over like it is happening all over again. 

Rush as I may, numb as I was, nothing could be done.  I couldn't get there fast enough, not that it would have changed the outcome.  My little boy was gone.  Never to take a breath again, never to bat his sweet eyelashes just one more time.  Never to show his sweet smile, or sputter his soothing coos.  Never to experience his first steps, or first words.  Never to feel the soft grass under his feet.  All my life, I've heard the expression, "never say never".  Never follows me like a shadow that I don't want.  Never flows through my mind every day as I see commercials of babies taking their first steps, or simply giggling.  Never reappears on every 13th, and 19th, or any day really.  Does it make me cry?  Not all the time.

I could easily let myself go.  Let myself fall to the ground, crumble and break.  I could easily go crazy with thoughts of what could have be, what should have been.  Why don't I?  Perhaps it's just not who I am.  I use to dwell on everything that I had no control over.  I use to agonize over every little detail of my life.  Was I searching for perfection?  Was there a need to forever please others?  Certainly.  Perfection existed in Preston.  Perfection doesn't last, it's human nature.  Try as I may to please everyone all the time, it's an impossibility. 

All I can do, is try our best.  All I can do, is take life a moment at a time.  All I can do, is remember my son in a positive light.  Since that's all I can do, perhaps that is why I don't find myself crying every day.  Perhaps that is why I find myself smiling at pictures that should tear me apart.  Perhaps that is why 6 months out, I feel content with life,  yet bittersweetness follows me where I go.  Perhaps that is why I can feel happiness, yet it's often associated with guilt.  Is it odd that I feel anger when someone tells me to smile?  Or that I get upset when someone tells me I should be happier?  I have every reason not to smile if I don't feel like it.  I have every right to not feel happy if I don't feel like it.

Perhaps this post is contradicting.  Conceivably, it might just be the perfect insight into what the thoughts a grieving parent has on a daily basis.

I felt some peace yesterday when I went for a walk with hubby.  I must have seen 10-12 bunnies, the most I've seen in a day.  While it's September, it was chilly like a February day.  Did it happen out of the blue, this wave of cold? Not really, since it'd been in the forecast for days.  But really, how often does the weather get down to freezing temperatures in September.  We shall see what today brings though.

Miss you Preston.  Miss you more than you know.  I think of you every day.  I grieve for you every day.  I share you every day.  Share your life, share your smile.  Share the love I have for you, share the signs you send me.  I hope Heaven is a good home for you, that you are surrounded by love, and friends.  I long for the day that I get to see you again.

Feathered pillows

Day 21 of my 30 days of gratitude is here already.  I still have so many things to talk about, yet the mood has to be right.  The timing has to be perfect.  Today, I'm thankful for sleep.  I enjoy sleeping in, lounging in bed, taking it easy but not like I use to. 

For years I would sleep in until 10 or 11.  My body needed the extra sleep to fight off the inflammation caused by Crohn's disease.  I felt tired every day.  When Preston was born, Brett would take the first feeding of the day at 5:00am, allowing me to sleep for an extra 2 and a half hours.  My sleep was limited, but appreciated, and I didn't feel really tired too often.  It was amazing.  Especially considering all the stories you hear about having a newborn, being a first time parent.  I was expecting to always feeling sluggish and exhausted and it was nothing like that.  I had a few nights where I was really tired, but very few.

I've always had trouble falling asleep.  While it'll take Brett 15 seconds to fall asleep once his head hits the pillow, it takes me roughly 15 to 20 minutes.  It used to take me 30 to 45.  My mind was always going.  Thinking about this and that.  Worrying about everything and nothing.  Things changed in 2012 and the worrying decreased.  The thinking was still there, is still there.  I've been trying really hard though not to think too much late at night... except when I'm writing my blog entry.  If I let myself think too much at night, when I'm tired and more vulnerable, it's extremely effortless to let my mind fixate on my loss, on the sadness of everything that surrounds it.

When we first lost Preston, I couldn't sleep.  If I got 2 to 3 hours a night, that was a lot.  I felt like I was just going through the motions of the day, and it was all I could do.  I was thankful that my OB prescribed me some sleeping aids.  It helped for the first few weeks.  It continued to help on weekends after I returned to work.  I wasn't getting much sleep during the week, and the pills helped me catch up on sleep during the weekend.  That lasted another month or two?  I haven't needed them in awhile now and I'm grateful.  I'm grateful that I can sleep and rest.  Rest my mind, rest my body, rest my soul.  Rest my broken heart.  And then, there's always the possibility that I'll have a dream about Preston that I remember.  Hasn't happened yet... but I remain hopeful.  The only Preston related dream I had was a week or so after he passed.  I dreamt that Brett's grandma, who passed last year, was in our living room and was telling us that my grandmere was watching over Preston and that he was ok. 

It's hard not to remember my dreams.  Not knowing whether I dream of him every night, or not at all.  It'd be so amazing to dream of him, but at the same time, it could be so heartbreaking to wake up to.  I think I'd be grateful for the dream, but who knows. 

I don't think we often stop and think how much sleep means for us.  It re-energizes us to take on life.  It sprinkles us with peacefulness.  Comfort from the warmth of the blankets, and softness of the mattress.  It slows our heart rate, and let's us rest every aspect of our body which is much needed considering all the stresses that surrounds our every day lives, whether we think they are there or not.  It gives us quiet time to reflect on our life, problems, gratitudes, plans for the future.

Rest your head on the pillow 
For, you never know
A little angel may come to visit
To soothe your heart and spirit
As you sleep and rest
He makes a nest
Close to you forever
In your heart always
I keep a feathered pillow
Soft enough for an angel

Rest in Peace

We all remember where we were September 11, 2001 when the attacks on the twin towers occurred in New York City.  I was reading a book on our front porch.  My mom had just returned from running some errands and told me that she just heard that a plane had just crashed into a building in NYC.  It sounded absurd to me.  How could such an accident happen.  We went inside, and turned on the TV just in time to see the second plane fly disintegrate into the second twin tower. 

What horror.  Pain, sorrow, sadness, fear.  All those feelings erupted inside of me.  Families ripped apart, and for what?

It seems appropriate that today, on day 20 of my 30 days of gratitudes challenge, that I be thankful for peace.  I'm grateful that I've never had to live in a place where war is part of the every day life.  A place where terror is something you feel when you wake up, and go to bed.  I hope to be blessed with living in peace for the rest of my life.  This world can be so ugly.  Filled with men and women who just want to hurt others.  Filled with hatred.  With everything that is going on in Ukraine, and the Middle East, it's a thought that crossed my mind on occasion... will we always live in peace?

I think of our grandparents and think about some of the things they lived through.  Going to war when they were young adults.  Childhoods filled with flying shrapnel and fears of being imprisoned by the Nazis.  Radiation poisoning from bombs going off in their neighborhoods.  This was the case for Brett's grandmother. 

How blessed are we that men and women work to keep the peace for us, sometimes sacrificing their own lives so that others can live in peace?  What courage.  What selflessness. 

I can't help but feel for all the families that were directly affected my the planes crashing into the World Trade Center 13 years ago.  They started their morning like any other day, with no clue about how their lives were just about to be turned upside down.  I feel for them now, more than ever.  I just can't help drawing a parallel between this tragedy, and losing Preston.  That's how my day started.  Just like it had for the past month.  Brett got up and fed Preston while I got ready for work.  I went downstairs and spent about 10 minutes with them before needing to leave for work.  I kiss him on the forehead and left.  Had I known that I would never get to hold his warm wiggly body, I would have done something I've never done before.  I would have played hooky and not gone to work.  Had I known that I'd never get to see him smile, or giggle again... 

Unfortunately, life doesn't quite work that way does it?  We don't know what's in store for us.  We don't know what tomorrow will bring.  That makes it so much more important to do everything possible to make this world a better, happier place.  That makes it so much more important to be grateful for everything that we have, everything that we hold dear - our spouses, our children, our parents and siblings.  Our friends and colleagues.  Our pets and our homes.  Our senses and resources. 

Hug your loved ones today.  Hug them tight.  Eventually, we all lose someone we love... it's the cycle of life.  Sometimes though, we lose under the most unexpected circumstance.  In the most unexpected moments.  Dreams may become shattered and sadness may overwhelm us.  For those of us who have to deal with such a loss, we will forever remain on a roller coaster of emotions.  Sometimes the dips and turns will be much larger than other times.  It's the hope, that with time, the roller coaster ups and downs will have smaller dips.

Rest in peace victims of the 9/11 attacks.  Rest in peace my little angel.

Changing seasons

Aspens from 2008 trip to the mountains

It's interesting how certain experiences can change the way you perceive things.  Change the things you enjoy, appreciate.  Losing Preston was never an experience I wanted to live.  While it was certainly a fear, it was never really anticipated.  It's like there's been a total shift in my life.  I also experienced a shift when I developed my first bowel obstruction.  While it didn't totally change me, it certainly changed many things in my life.

After my bowel obstruction in May 2012, stress completely disappeared from my life.  It's like someone turned off a switch.  I used to worry, constantly worry.  About everything.  This isn't to say I never worry, but it doesn't cause my stomach to knot up.  It doesn't cause me to lose sleep.  With losing Preston, it's like I have a totally new outlook on life.  In a lot of ways, this outlook is positive.  In other ways, it's like I'm living someone else's life.  Fall has been my favorite season for a long time.  Winter, my least favorite.  I feel like there's been a shift because in many ways, I look forward to the winter.

Every season has beauty to it.  As fall approaches, on day 19 of my 30 days of gratitude challenge, I am thankful for the four seasons that I am blessed to know.

Spring.  Preston never really got to know what spring was.  The temperature was starting to warm up when he passed away in March.  The leaves were just starting to bud.  We were still going to have snow storms.  Spring radiates with renewal.  Spring brings about lovely colors - from tulips, to cherry blossoms, to daffodils.  Spring means song birds aren't far.  Spring is hope...except when it's not.  Spring now also means loss, dashed dreams, darkness.  It's all I can do to not go down that path.  It's like I'm constantly in a struggle with myself... wanting to feel the sadness, but needing to take a breath of fresh air.  I guess we will really see how I feel about spring in 6 months.

Summer.  Another season Preston didn't get to experience.  No pitter patter in the pool.  No picnic in the grass.  No fireworks on the 4th of July.  No baseball game.  I used to love summer.  Vacations, swimming, warm weather, star gazing on a warm night.  I don't appreciate the heat much anymore.  Weather wise, we've been blessed with a pleasant summer.  Enough rain to keep things green.  Not too many super hot days.  A lot of walks.  Summer means life - all the kids playing, laughing with no worries about homework.  Summer means life - all the bunnies, birds, butterflies that can be seen every day.  Summer brings happiness with sunshine.  Summer means vacation for a lot of people.  Summers mean family time.  This summer has certainly not been what I had dreamed of.  However, I am in a better place than I was in spring - healing wise.  I am thankful for everything summer represents because it it's own way, it has helped me heal.

I've always loved fall.  The changing colors of the leaves.  The smell of fireplaces.  The smell of apple pies.  Fall to me means change.  Change has been part of my new normal.  New routines to stay busy.  New thoughts to stay positive.  New hobbies?  Embroidery perhaps?  Fall to me also means restoration.  Restoration of time - time change.  Restoration of routine - return to school, return of favorite TV shows.  This fall, I will try to embrace change and restoration.  It's a little ironical to feel these two things at once I know.  Preston was born at the end of fall, like his mama and dad.  I know I will struggle with the end of fall - but I will try to remind myself that the anticipation is often worse and I will attempt to concentrate less on the anticipation.  I do look forward to seeing how successful the Spread Happiness For Preston campaign will be.

And then there's winter.  I don't like to be cold but I love the snow.  The pure white.  The innocence that glitters from it.   The softness of sound when snow is falling.  The uniqueness of each snow crystal.  Winter is what Preston knew.  Fleece pajamas.  Blanket to keep him warm when in a onesie.  Strolls on a cool day.  I've always loved Christmas and was looking forward to driving around to see the lights people have put up.  I was hoping it could be our unique family tradition.  I don't know that I want to do it this year, even if we've done that for the past 7 years, Brett & I that is.  I've thought about buying a Christmas present for Preston but giving it away to a one year old at a children's hospital, but I don't know if I'd have the strength to do that.  I still haven't bought a one year old present for Preston's best friend - just because it's so hard to go in the baby isle at the store, or just browse BabiesRus online.  I think about doing it every weekend, but just can't.  I will try again until I succeed.

The truth is, there's beauty and sadness in every month.  They bring positive feelings like hope, life, restoration, change, love, memories.  They also bring darkness, loss of dreams, pain, fear.  Nonetheless, I'm grateful for each of the seasons - mostly the transitions between each season.  It gives me hope that I can make this transition into my new life.  If Earth can do it every 3 months or so, why can't I?  I feel like I'm on the right path.  There are a lot of bends in the road, sometimes crevices, but I see a rainbow at the end of this really long path and one day, I will reach it and all will be restored. :)

Raindrops (day 18 of 30 days of gratitude)

Not a great picture, but I didn't have another one which had rainfall or raindrops.  It's from our road trip through Oregon in 2007.

The rain is so different in Colorado than what I was used to for 25 years in Montreal.  The rain is light.  The rain showers usually have a short duration.  The rainclouds appear out of nowhere and make way for a clear blue sky just as quickly.  At least, that's the way I knew rain for the past 5 years.  This year, the rainfall has been more common.  What was often a drizzle has been more of a heavy shower.  What usually lasted 10 minutes, now stayed for half a day.  Sprinkles, now sometimes downpours.

On day 18 of my 30 days of gratitude challenge, I am grateful for all the raindrops that keep falling on my head.  Rainy days in Montreal sometimes occurred for a week straight and that often affected the mood of others around me.  It made people grumpy.  It made people more irritable.  I've always felt pretty immune to that.  It takes a lot to get to me, usually anyway.  I probably have a shorter fuse now that I've gone through the horrific experience of losing my son Preston.  But the rain, it soothes my mood.  It creates an ambiance of sorrow where I feel, I guess warranted to feel sad.  It creates softer sounds, like a filter of sorts.  Rainfall radiates tranquility.  The sound of raindrops falling on the tree leaves is pacifying.  Even the sound of drops on the roof bring a sense of peace for me.

I often wonder if we've had more rain for a reason this year.  Have you ever heard the metaphor that states that when it rains, it is because God or Jesus is crying?  If it were true, could it be that He wants us to know that He shares our pain.  That He is sorry for our pain.  Is it perhaps Preston, telling us that he missed us, or him sending this feeling of peace to us?  So many similar thoughts cross my mind, and while I will never know, it's nice to think about sometimes.  All my dreams with Preston are broken, but these thought help me find a way of incorporating him into my life.

The rain has been nice this year to keep everything so green.  To help Preston's Garden grow so fruitfully.  The rain has made for beautiful landscapes all summer, as opposed to just through mid-June.  I've often heard that Colorado is the state with the most sunny days.  I couldn't find anything to prove that, but I do believe it, when you take into consideration that rain showers usually last 10 minutes.  Except this year.

I love letting raindrops fall on my head, especially on a warm summer day.  I love the fog the rainclouds can create in the early hours of the day.  After the rain, comes a rainbow...  There are so many things to love about the rain.  I hope that I never let it sour my mood.  I hope that it makes me feel close to Preston forever.  I hope that the following years, continue to bring us rain that we so desperately need.

Picture Perfect

The sunrise this morning was beautiful.  It made me feel calm, it gave a nice start to the week.

Tonight was our support group meeting and the subject was regret, guilt and anger.  I've felt all these emotions.  Sometimes independently, sometimes all together.  I've written about guilt a lot and while sharing my thoughts about it helps, it always finds a way to creep back.  We had a small group tonight, just 6 of us and so it was easy to go on different tangents once we'd shared what we needed about the subject of the night.  I found out something rather interesting.  While, I am able to look at pictures of Preston every day, and even occasionally a video, many of the other parents can't.

Therefore on day 17 of my 30 days of gratitude challenge, I am thankful for pictures.  Not exclusively photographs of Preston, but in large part yes.  I'm a very visual person.  I don't strive as well without first seeing how to do it.  I don't have the best memory in the world, and pictures help me recall memories more easily. I wouldn't remember the things I remember about my grandmother if it wasn't for photographs.  I wouldn't remember certain summer vacations, but pictures often trigger certain memories.  While we shouldn't spend our lives taking so many pictures that we miss the experience, photographs can make such an impact on your life. 

Additionally, some pictures can be inspiring.  Pictures can be the source of hope.  Coupled with words, they can be motivating, comforting.  They can be just plain beautiful, and be a symbol of serenity.  They can stimulate your other senses.  They can make you think.

I know that with time, memories start to fade.  I already can't remember Preston's cry, but thankfully I have videos of him cooing and giggling or at least his version of it.  I'm thankful for the pictures of him when he was really small, all the way to when he was starting to be a little chubby like a baby should be.  I'm so grateful for the videos and pictures I took.  I only have so many, and I can't get any more but I can't express how grateful  I am.  And I'm even more grateful that I can look at them.  Sure, there are days where it makes me cry.  But seeing that beautiful smile, can simply brighten up my day.  Hopefully it can brighten up just about anyone's day.

I feel blessed that for whatever reason, I am able to look at those pictures.  I know Brett isn't there, and it seems like several other parents aren't either.  And it certainly not because they don't want to look at their precious little one - the memories and the visual stimulation is just too hard to take - much like how I feel about thinking about the day we lost him.  Some people can share that story.  I can't.  I can't go there, allow my mind to go there.

We all heal differently.  I write.  I read about other experiences.  I allow the pain to creep through when it needs to, but I don't allow it to consume me.  I concentrate on the happy memories.  I try to smile to honor my happy boy gone too soon.  It works for me today.  It may not work in a couple months.  I don't know what the future holds, but all I can do is take it a day at a time and do what helps me feel like I'm continuing on a mending path.  How do you heal?

Preston's Garden

We had talked about creating a garden last year, and it did come together this year.  It came together as a project after we lost Preston, but I had been wanting to have a garden, thinking it would be a great way to incorporate vegetables into our diet.  I wasn't able to eat vegetables for a long time because of my Crohn's flare-ups.  Fiber didn't do so well with me, nor did any kind of insoluble fiber like lettuce, peels, pods, etc.  But, now that I can eat them, it's a little difficult to start cooking with it every day, when I'm so used to not cooking with them much!  This was a great way to slowly get that done so that by the time Preston could eat solid foods, I could puree vegetables from our own garden, and one day, eat them in meals like a good little boy.

He never got to try pureed veggies, or fruits, or meat.  But, the garden seemed like a good project to keep us both busy - Brett on the front end by building it, me for the rest of the summer by tending to it.  In my head, I named it "Preston's Garden".  It gave me more incentive to take care of it, love it, and use it.  So, on day 16 of my 30 days of gratitude challenge, I am thankful for Preston's Garden.

At first, I was scared that maybe nothing would grow.  I haven't been blessed with a green thumb like my mom... so I probably went a little crazy and used too many seeds.  Everything has grown, except the peppers, which is really odd because I heard those grow really well in Colorado.  Early this summer, we enjoyed some delicious Butter Lettuce which was really the first thing to grow.  And boy did it grow!  I've used the herbs throughout the summer - basil, oregano, parsley, cilantro and even catnip for the cats.  Calex enjoys the fresh catnip while Acro won't really eat it unless it's dried.  The only thing that I'm not sure how it's doing is the red onions since they grow below the soil.  Maybe I will unearth one next weekend and see!

Tonight, we just ate some green beans.  I washed them, and boiled them, and smothered them with salt, pepper and garlic seasoned melted butter.  They were really good and we have left overs for tomorrow.

I really wish that I could share this with Preston, and try to make him pureed green beans to see how he likes it.  I wish he could play in the grass while I tended to the garden and next year, he could munch on the fruits of our labor.  I kind of hope that he has something to do with it blossoming the way it did... me and my non-green thumb and all.  It's been a nice symbol of hope to see it grow and grow.

Soon, we will enjoy cucumbers and tomatoes, and I will start needing to freeze or dry herbs.  Next year, I think I will grow the herbs in the flower beds we have for our deck so that I have room for more veggies in the backyard.  The tomatoes are growing rampant, and I'm sure it's because I planted too many seeds per square.  The cucumbers and beans intertwined, but that's because I'm a dummy and planted beans and cucumbers in some of the same "cubbies".  Oopsies!!!!  What else could I grow next year? It's kind of exciting, and it's also nice to have something to look forward to.  Thank you for this gift Preston.  It will forever be your namesake garden.