Who's 40?

It's hard to fathom that my brother is now 40 years old.  I remember him turning 18 and 21.  Such monumental milestones, or at least to they were to me when I was 11 and 14.  We often had our birthday celebrations on the same day, seeing as our birthdays are 10 days apart.  It made it easier to get the family together, especially as we got older and didn't really do "birthday parties" anymore.  Now that I live 2000 miles away, it isn't much of a possibility anymore.  I do miss that family time, and was thankful to participate in commemorating his birthday, life thus far, via Skype, tonight from our hotel room in Grand Junction, along with the rest of my family, in our childhood home in Montreal.  Thanks for including us :)

I wish my brother would have gotten the chance to meet Preston.  I've seen him with my nephews and niece and he's a wonderful uncle.  I hope that Preston shines down on him, and I hope to one day have little ones that can look up to their uncle Jay.

Growing up, I remember my oldest brother, Jason, being worried that I'd break something.  Everything.  And perhaps I did break things.  A joystick or maybe a well loved toy.  It was sometimes difficult to play with Jason.  Like, I couldn't play Lego with him until I was much older, and by then, Lego was not something he was into.  However, he was always open to playing a board game.  I didn't often win.  Actually I probably didn't win until my twenties, lol.  His competitive spirit though was contagious and I'm sure it's helped me learn that you need "drive" to be successful.  It also made it fun to try and compete in other aspects.  He loved the Nordiques, well, I had to love the Canadiens.  In retrospect, I may have started liking them more because I was easily swayed by my other brother Ted.  And being as I'm the only pure Montrealer in my family, the Canadiens was the right choice! Go Habs Go!  Jay was also really good in school, which gave me that drive I was talking about, to do better.

The age difference between us, 7 years, probably made bonding a little more difficult.  As we got older, I've come to realize that my brother taught me a lot, and learned that we have a lot more in common than I originally thought.  This doesn't mean we didn't have fun as kids.  I was in awe at the Lego village that my brothers built.  There was a lot of organization in that village, year after year, as it grew bigger as sets were accumulated.  We had a blast at our fishing cottage - playing cards, board games and walking in the woods or on the shore looking for fancy rocks.

I think we got closer as adults.  I finally saw what he saw in baseball all those years, after I moved to the states and with the help of high definition television.  I'd always found the sport boring and slow, and I think seeing the game in all it's clarity made it much more interesting.  It's a fascinating sport and I really enjoy the mental game that accompanies the physical aspects of the sport.   Now, we have the pleasure of competing in a fantasy league together.  I did better than him 2 years ago; He did better than I did this past year.  It's on next year!!! :)

Life lessons as per Jay?  Take care of your things or they will break.  Don't be afraid to be independent.  Organization is key.  And a little competition never hurt anyone.  I admire Jay for playing by his own rules, and leading a successful and happy life.  Happy 40th birthday.  Here's to at least 40 more!

Fancy!

As you may have noticed, I have taken a break from writing my blog.  It wasn't planned.  I knew I was going on vacation, and figured I'd have all the time in the world to write.  That hasn't been the case.  We were on the road for 4 hours on Friday night, and by the time we arrived to destination, we were really hungry, and tired.  The next day, we drove another 11 hours or so, and upon arrival to Las Vegas, we had plans, and I couldn't keep my eyes opened when we finally called it a night.  Sunday, I reserved for Brett since Monday and Tuesday were going to be reserved to his conference activities. When I went to sleep on Friday night, I figured it would just be one of those odd days off that I miss out on writing my blog.  And here we are, Tuesday morning..

I have many things to discuss in relations to our road trip, my experience in Vegas thus far and thoughts of Preston, almost 1 week away from his 1st birthday.  How did that happen? How is his birthday 8 days away?  But, more on all this later this week...

When planning this trip, I tried to map out some of the things I'd do while on vacation.  Go to the pool, to the spa, try out yoga, gamble a little bit here and there, shop, have lunch with some friends, and get my hair done.  I've been needing to get my hair done for at least a month now.  Life gets in the way though.  I would often get so busy at work that I would forget to make an appointment.  When I finally remembered and had a free weekend, the salon was booked... oh well.  Something to do in Vegas!  So, I started researching salons in the area and ended up finding one with great reviews.  Off the strip, but a quick 20 minute taxi ride away.  Platinum Entourage. Fancy name.

I headed there yesterday.  The salon had a warehouse/art museum feel to it.  Concrete Floors.  Exposed air ducts.  Art pieces on the walls.  Old dressers and armoires serving as styling tools and supplies stands.  A very unique ambiance.  I met with a stylist, and the owner, celebrity stylist Todd White.  What makes a celebrity stylist?  You got me, but that's what his website says.  He was very knowledgeable and I liked what he suggested.  I wish I had taken a picture yesterday when my hair was still all wavy, but since I'm not really good with my hair, I guess a picture today will have to do.

I may have met a celebrity stylist, but I felt like the celebrity yesterday.  Pain is beauty.  Beauty takes time.  I've heard those expressions.  I lived them yesterday.  The appointment lasted 4 hours.  4 hours!!!!  And my hair was teased and pulled as the old layers of colors were taken out, rather than being dyed on top of the last layers.  Maybe that's the difference with celebrity styling as opposed to the salon in our small towns?  Regardless, as I sat in the salon chair, I wondered, is this what it's like to be on a movie set, getting your hair down?  Or on a TV set, like that of General Hospital, which I've dreamed of at one time or another?  I must be!  At least, I imagined it was.

Interestingly enough, one of the other customers there had her husband tag along with her son, if only for a little while anyways.  Her son started fussing and she asked her husband to take him for a walk, because being at the salon is "an escape" for mothers, and she didn't want to impose on the other women that were getting their hair done.  My feelings on it were as usual, torn.  It was a reminder of Preston, to see this little blond boy, but it was also a reminder of Preston.  Confusing, I know.  I appreciate what this woman did, in requesting that her husband whisk away their son, but all in all, he wasn't bothering me.  Oh what I'd give to have my little one back, even if we were to be fussy all the time.

Moral of the story - It's nice to get pampered once in a while.  Get the fancy treatment, even if it was for a price that I value a little too fancy for my liking.  But you only live once, so why not have a day where you are made to feel like a celebrity?  We all deserve to get our fancy on, every once in the while.  Have yourself a nice day to yourself every now and then, even if life is too busy.

Blinded

I have to start off by saying, thank you Taylor, for sending me a super sweet message through BBC.  Taylor shared with me the following:

I had to share that on my way to Target today, I passed a magnificent field of sunflowers and immediately thought of Preston. I really had no reason to as I was just going over my grocery list in my head, but the thought of him after seeing those flowers brought a big smile to my face today. I just wanted you to know. Thank you for sharing your precious boy. Sending thoughts of comfort, healing and peace. Have a wonderful day, Taylor ps-I will be spreading some happiness for Preston not only Nov. 19, but as often as I can. 

How powerful it can be when someone reaches out with something so purely thoughtful and kind.  This made my whole day, even if it wasn't a bad day.  This just brought warmth to my heart.  It made me smile.  It made me proud of my son for making an impact on the world with his beautiful smile.  He was such a gift to me, to my family.  And I'm realizing more and more that he was a gift to the world.

I was just on Facebook and I realized I had "Other" messages.  Three moms who had reached out to me in September and October.  I feel blind for not noticing before.  How can that be?  I feel disappointment in myself for not noticing sooner.  But I have reached out now, and I hope that all is well.  What's interesting is that I noticed this on the same day I received email where I was being reached out to.  One lady has a relative who just lost an infant.  Another lost her son, and now has a close friend who has lost her daughter to SIDS.  I hope that I am somehow able to help these families with my writing, with sharing my experience, but also by reaching out myself.  Like Taylor did for me.  Like others who have reached out in the past, others who reach out on a daily basis.  I am reaching out because I know how powerful that can be.  How much of an impact it can make.  I reach out, because I genuinely care.  I care about making this journey a little less painful for others walking down this lonely dark path.

We all know someone who's lost somebody special.  Whether it be a parent, or sibling.  An aunt or uncle, cousin or grandparent.  A child.  A best friend.  Should you be thinking about them, or their loved one, let them know.  It can be such a wonderful exchange.  Share the why you were thinking about them.  Or simply say, "I thought of your mom today" or "I saw a butterfly today, and it made me think of you and your baby".  Or, "I know today is a tough day for you, and I want you to know that I'm thinking about you."

These things are so simple, and can brighten up someone's day.  Someone's tough day.  Or even like me today - someone's day that was not a bad one, but that all of a sudden, became one of the brightest days in a long time.  And I think, that warrants a Preston picture.  Spread that smile by sweet P.  Show the world, what a smile can do.  Or stick your tongue out, that works too.

Snow capped

I was doing an online puzzle during my lunch hour today.  It was a winter scene, where the roof of this house was snow capped, with Christmas decorations all around it.  Oddly, this feeling came over me, like a feeling that Christmas would be okay after all.  It made my day.  

And then we went to Target after work.  Christmas decorations are already everywhere you look.  Christmas music is playing.  Christmas is being shoved down our throats, and it's just November 5th!  I've always loved Christmas, the decorations, the lights, the music, but every year, it seems like it is being commercialized even more.  Somehow, because every year, I think that there's no way it can become more commercial than it already is.  The earlier that it can be advertised, the better, stores seem to be saying.  I was actually buying candy on Halloween at the grocery store and most of it was cleared off the shelves, with pallets of Christmas decorations just waiting to be stocked to re-fill the barren shelves.

This year, the thought of Christmas is difficult.  It wasn't going to be Preston's first Christmas, but he was just a peanut last Christmas.  I think he would have enjoyed the lights, the family time, and new toys.  It's also a reminder that he'll never get to believe in Santa Claus.  He'll never get to leave him milk and cookies.  He'll never open a present, has a Christmas Eve feast.  We'll never get to make our own family traditions with him.

Those thoughts make me sad.  It makes me sad that I have friends in the same boat.  However, if I just for a second think about that snow capped roof puzzle I completed earlier today, that feeling of peace returns.  I haven't said this in a long long time, but I am longing for a good snow storm.  The pure white color of the snow.  The silence that seems to come with it in the early morning.  The reminder that Preston lived through snow storms.  We cuddled by the fire.  And he sent me that storm on Mother's Day.  Maybe that first storm will make me cry.  Or maybe it'll make me smile.  Maybe a little of both.  Regardless though, I know I will get through these next couple months.  One day at a time. 

We may not get to make Christmas traditions with Preston present in our lives, but maybe we can still buy him an ornament every year.  Or maybe we can light a candle that will stay lit all day long on Christmas.  We can still create something meaningful to us as a family, which will honor Preston, which will help us include him despite his absence.  It could be a special family time, if we are up for it.  And only time will tell.  What are your favorite holiday traditions?

A way out

I was thankful for our group meeting yesterday.  Our topic was the upcoming holiday season, which for me, also includes a slew of birthdays including my own, my husband and our son's.  As I'm sure I've said before, the anticipation of certain days or holidays can be very tough.  There are days, occasions that you dream of.  You envision the details of these special days, like birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, Easter, etc.  What would Preston be doing? What would we buy him?  What would he like?

You anticipate, imagine and drive yourself crazy with these details, these mental pictures that will never be.  And then you anticipate how you will feel on those days, where your dreams are now null and void.  For some, like me, I've learned that the anticipation is worse than the actual day.  I've done a lot of this visualizing.  I've awaited for the worst.  Now, I feel like I've already lived the worst day of my life.  Nothing can be worse.  I'm trying to not anticipate too much.  Trying to take it a day at a time, a moment at a time.

The thing is though, there's no win-win possibilities here.  If I don't anticipate, I might just end up getting him by a mac-truck of emotions on a certain "special" day.  If I don't anticipate, I might just lose it altogether on Thanksgiving, Preston's birthday or Christmas.  Or I might not.

A way out.  That was one of the things we discussed at group yesterday.  That might mean, skip out on one of these occasions, or all, if you need to.  Go for a walk if all you need is a moment to yourself.  If you are out of town, rent a hotel, a car, and go there if you need to.  Stay home and spend it with your significant other, or immediate family.  Ask that the tradition of saying what you are thankful for this year is skipped.

I don't know how I will feel on Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Or Preston's birthday.  I won't be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We'll be at Brett's parents house.  I know we have a guest room there, where I can go to be by myself should I feel the need.  I know I can go for a nature walk if that might make me feel better.  I know, I can ask Brett to take me home, if all else fails.  It's just an hour and a half away, weather permitting.

Whatever the case may be, if you've lived through a traumatic experience, know that you don't need to force yourself through these family oriented holidays.  Your family will be happy to see you, but they will understand if what you need is to be alone.  Or if what you need is to be constantly in their presence.  There is no right or wrong way.  Just know, that it's okay to have an escape plan, if that is what you need.  You just have to do what feels right for you, and what will help you move forward.

Have you ever had a difficult holiday season?  What did you do to cope?  Could you have benefited from a way out?

The road less traveled

I think it was bring your baby to the grocery store day.  I saw every single one, and I have to admit that after five, it started being a little tough.  I don't like to hide away from babies, or pregnant women, or anything baby related.  I don't exactly seek it out, as I still avoid the baby aisles at the store, but I don't like to totally close myself off to it.  I don't think it's healthy for me, and I don't think I'd be doing myself a favor, because one day, I would have to face a baby, and it would just be totally devastating.  Not every encounter I have is devastating but there are days, like today, when the reminders are so constant, that it does get to me.  

So, on my way home, I decided to take the scenic route home, instead of the straight shot highway.  The road less traveled.  I was blessed to see a snow capped mountains, a deer grazing, golfers enjoying the lovely Sunday weather, and people working hard to stay in shape - jogging, bicycling.  It allowed my mind to concentrate on happiness that exists around me.  Seeing babies made me think about what I've lost, but seeing everything else, reminded me that life can be wonderful.  Those babies have loving families just like Preston did.  The endless sight of babies shouldn't make me sad.  

I like to think I'm taking the road less traveled, by embracing the positives in life, the brightness that Preston brought to my life.  I try very hard to remember what I am grateful for every day, and try to discover the beauty that exists in our world.  Appreciate the small things in life.  Take a detour on the way home.  Take the scenic route like we did when we went to Cooperstown.  It was amazing, even if it took 20 extra minutes.  

So take the road less traveled.  It can be so refreshing.

November is here

November is here.  I knew it was coming.  I knew I'd be sitting here at some point in time.  November has always been a special month for my family.  Growing up, it was the month where we celebrated my brother's birthday (turning 40 very soon!!), and my birthday.  After I met my husband, it also meant his birthday and his dad's birthday.  Then add Thanksgiving, which in the US is celebrated in November, as opposed to October in Canada.  And last year, Preston surprised us and was born in November instead of December.  This was going to be an even more special month.

Pictured above, was my first birthday.  I was looking forward to Preston's birthday so much.  Not that he'd remember it, but it's one of those milestones that you dream about when you think about having children.  And just like that, there will be no tiny hands in the birthday cake.  There will be no tasting of sweets for the first time.  There will be no new toys.

November could very easily become a very somber month.  It could become a symbol of darkness and sorrow.  I have to remind myself that Preston wouldn't want that.  Preston wouldn't want me wallowing alone in a corner.  He would want me to smile, as I remember the good times we had.  He would want me to enjoy the birthdays in or family and Thanksgiving.  Hopefully he is smiling down on me, seeing that I'm trying to spread some happiness around the world to honor him.

I have things to look forward to this month.  A trip to Vegas with my husband, where I can relax while he's in conferences.  Massage.  Reading.  Going to the pool.  Sounds like a good time to me!  And, yes a little gambling!  A nice road trip there and back which should allow me to see different places.  Allow me to see more to this beautiful country.  There will be Thanksgiving which always results in a delicious feast!  And it'll be nice to acknowledge our little boy and be thankful that even if it was only for a short time, we are thankful that we had him in our life.  We have our group session on Monday which is about how to deal with the holidays.  I'm looking forward to the feedback other parents have.  Many of them have lived through holidays after a loss, and I think their experiences will help me better prepare my mind for it all.

I'm not big on material things.  I don't ask for a lot in life.  But, yes, I was looking forward to spoiling Preston rotten on his birthday.  I was looking forward to baking him a special cake with a bear pan I bought years and years ago.  I'm reminded though, that I was blessed with having him in my life.  Carrying him and holding him.  Seeing him smile.  Intangible.  Much more special than material.  And I will have that forever.