It's that awful day again. It's been 4 years now, can you believe it? I wonder if you are even aware of time passage in Heaven. I hope you are surrounded by loved ones on this day.
I constantly wonder if you've grown or what it's like up there? I've heard that in Heaven, there's no bodies and you're just a spirit or energy. It doesn't stop me from wondering what you look like at 4 years old. And what about your mind? Do you instantly become aware of everything and can understand all my thoughts? Or do you still have the mind of a four month old?
I don't know what to believe, but I know this. You know when I need you. I can feel it whenever I call out to you in my head. Whenever I need reassurance, you send me some kind of sign. For years, I've looked to see a license plate that would have your initials. It made me feel like if I could see it, you would be telling me that you are thinking of me.
This weekend on the way back from swim class with your sister, there was a car in front of me with the following plate: SWT PEA
Do you remember that I always called you Sweet P? I think this is as close as I'm going to get. Seeing it days just days before having to deal with today - it reminded me that you are with me wherever I go. You keep me grounded.
I spent the day with your sister today. We cuddled as we watched a variety of shows she enjoys. We went shopping for some clothes for her. She keeps growing! I feel guilty whenever I have a thought along the lines of I wish she would stop growing or I wish she would stay a baby forever. Because I know what it's like to have a baby stop growing. I want her to have a long healthy life. I wanted that for you too.
Without think about it, we ended up buying three articles of clothing with rainbows on it. A Mickey/Minnie Mouse t-shirt that I thought was cute. A t-shirt with a sequin heart and a rainbow within the heart. And a rainbow striped dress - your sister picked that one herself with no help from me. While Sami napped, I removed all the tags from the new clothes and was telling your dad how Sami picked that dress. He said something that hadn't even occurred to me: that's interesting considering what today is.
I kept busy during her nap. Probably one of the roughest nap times considering you passed during a nap on this dreadful day. I meal prepped our slow cooker dinner for tomorrow. Before I knew it, she was awake.
I took her to the park which is her new favorite thing to do. We were gone for over an hour. She had fun going up to the slide and sliding down. She liked going through the little tunnels they have on the playground. She kept wanting to go say hi to Nemo, a plastic statue they have at the pool which is located next to the park. He's gated in and the pool is closed so all she could do was wave to him through the fence.
We also went to the pet store so that she could see the fishies and any other animals that might be there. I had wanted to take her to the zoo, but there just was too many other things I wanted to do.
She smiled a lot. So did I.
It leaves me perplexed with how I feel today. I've had happy moments for sure. I've had moments where I've been sad. I had trouble putting your sister down to sleep tonight. She fell asleep so fast after having such a fun day. I didn't want to let go. I felt guilty for having fun without you.
Since you've been gone, those are feelings that I have almost every day. And then I remember the rainbows, and the bunnies. I remember that you want me to have happiness in my life, and I try so hard to have it. Your sister makes it easy. She's my sunshine.
Perhaps it's fitting that I say this is her song:
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy, when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
No please don't take my sunshine away
It's my prayer every day.
I miss you terribly, but I know that you hear my prayer. I know because she makes a sound in her sleep whenever I'm worried. I see rainbows in unexpected places - a reflection on the floor as I walk into the office from the light catching the glass door at just the right angle.
I know you are with me as I continue this incredibly difficult journey without you. But I still miss you, and I always will. Thank you for being our guardian angel.
Thinking of you always,
-Mama
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