Sacrifices

I don't enjoy being in a foul mood and I seldom get angry.  It usually takes a lot to get under my skin, but since losing Preston, I've found that it is slightly easier for me to get mad.  The nice thing is, during one of my last group counseling sessions, I learned that just because I get angry, it doesn't make me an angry person.  Much like guilt, anger is a "normal" feeling when it comes to grief.

A couple months ago, I read an article that totally rubbed me the wrong way.  Yes, months ago.  That's how long I've been stewing before starting this post.  It was titled:  "10 Sacrifices Every Parent Makes That No One Talks About"

My first reaction was anger.  And that's only because my perspective is different from the majority of the population.  Most people have not lost a child, though that could be argued considering 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss.

One of the first thoughts I had was "Sacrifices?? Don't they know how lucky they are to have a child???"  Now, I'm not saying being a parent is easy.  While Preston did make it feel almost effortless to be a mom, it's not that there was no work involved.  It's not that I didn't get exhausted.  He was my life, meaning, I didn't have much time, if any for anything else between, him, work, hubby and chores.

Thing is, I didn't care.  It was wonderful.  And now, that he's not there anymore, I envy other parents.  And yeah, it stings when I read comments like "I don't ever have time for myself", or "OMG, my kids kept me up all night, they wouldn't sleep".  And I do get it, we are all human.  We need to express our frustrations, and complain, if only every now and then.

I've tried incredibly hard during this pregnancy not to complain, though my husband constantly reminds me that I didn't really complain with Preston either (love you honey).  It's mentally frustrating, and causes me extreme guilt whenever I do complain - whether it's because my back hurts, or because I have some acid reflux.  I'm so thankful to be pregnant and get the chance to be the mom to a living child again, that whenever I do complain, it just makes me feel awful.  It makes me feel like I'm being ungrateful for this little girl that's growing inside of me.  It makes me feel like I'm making light of what I've lost.

And that's just the grief talking really.  I'm human too, and I should be able to complain about back pain if I want to.  Or about craving a Pepsi.  At the same time, I do feel better in my skin when I minimize my complaining... I guess I'm still trying to find a happy medium.

What were the sacrifices mentioned in the article you ask?  It's beside the point that I'm trying to make, but most of them were really trivial - "I don't get to decide what we watch on TV."  "I have to be friends with the parents of my child's friends whether I like them or not."  "My child will just blurt out embarrassing secrets."  "I have to cook separate meals for everyone."  "I have to watch my language."  "I don't have time for my hobbies."  "We have no schedule, it's out the window." "I constantly have to explain sarcasm."  "I can't eat out without feeling guilty."  "I've had to forfeit spontaneity."

When you decide to become a parent, that comes with sacrifices.  We all know we're going to have to make sacrifices.  A lot of them.  And if that's something that you're going to hold against your kids, maybe it's just my grief talking, but maybe you should rethink the having kids thing.  It's so frustrating hurtful to see parents who neglect their children.  And I don't personally know anyone who does, but the news is always so riddled with these stories.  It makes me want to cry every time.  I was a good parent and I lost my child, and some people abuse their children and they keep theirs.  It makes no sense.

Moral of the story if I have one?  Again it's just because of the perspective I've earned through the loss of Preston.  Try not to see what you don't get to do as a sacrifice.  Try to see what you have as a privilege and a wonderful gift.  There's so much beauty in this world, and if we concentrate on the good, on the positive, take it from me, it can change the way you see the world.  It can turn most bad days into better days.  And don't we all deserve better days?  You have more power controlling that than you realize ;)