All that I wanted

Last week, I had a conversation regarding what my hopes and dreams were for Preston.  While this may sound depressing, it was rather therapeutic because it's not a subject I get to talk about much.  It's not something people ask every day, or something someone would even think to ask because it would probably come off as insensitive.. which I can totally understand too.

It was a difficult topic to discuss, but at the same time, it felt so nice to talk about my son, even if it was about things he'd never do.  It's not like those thoughts go away.  In about a month, a whole year and a half will have passed since the last time I held him and every day, I continue to wonder, what he'd be like, what he'd be doing, how would he compare to other kids his age.

I spent years imagining what it would be like to have a child; what my expectations were as a parent, and what I'd do in certain situations.  While it was next to impossible for us to have a child for several years due to my health, these thoughts, these hopes for the future, I think they kept us going.  They gave me a reason to take control of what I could, in regards to my health.  I think that was one of the toughest realizations for me when Preston was gone.  Not only that he wasn't with us anymore, and that all my recent dreams for him had vanished into thin air, but all the hopes I'd built in my head, in my heart for years, simply were smashed to pieces.

And so, if you don't find this too depressing of a subject, I invite you to read on about the hopes and dreams I had in regards to Preston.  Feel free to share any aspirations, thoughts and dreams that you had for your child.  Or for yourself, that aren't possible because of unforeseen obstacles thrown in your path throughout your life.  Or for a loved one, gone too soon.


Before Preston was born, in early November 2013, we were shopping at BabiesRUs, I forget what for - baby monitor maybe?  Picking up his crib?  Halloween costumes were being liquidated, given that the holiday had just passed.  We looked through them, and landed on a 9 month old lion costume.  It was so precious and we decided to buy it.  His original due date was December 15, a 9 month old costume made perfect sense.  When he was born a good 5 weeks early, at 4 lbs 5 oz, I always wondered if he would fit into it by Halloween.  I figured, it probably would be a little loose, but oh well.  I couldn't wait to see him in it.  To this day, I still find myself trying to see his little face in that lion costume.

Every day, I would talk to Preston about what was going on around him.  What people were doing outside, what his dad was doing, what everything around him was.  So many times, we watched children sliding down the greenbelt behind our house.  It looked like so much fun, and I told Preston, that we'd be doing that next year.  I so looked forward to it.  I thought we'd make snow angels, and snowmen.  One day, I knew his dad would show him how to snowboard, and I'd be a nervous wreck.

During my pregnancy, we ha wandered to the park on the 4th of July.  There were a bunch of festivities.  Food trucks, barbecue, carnival games, and music.  For the next weeks, I anticipated bringing Preston for years to come, possibly along with our friends and their son, who was born 5 months before Preston.  Odd as it may seem for a Canadian, the fourth of July remains one of the toughest holidays for me to get through since losing Preston.  I strongly suspect, this dream, has a lot to do with it.

I'd hoped to teach him French in a few years.  Teaching him at a young age, I hoped he'd have a proficiency for it, like his mama (not like his dad who can hardly say "Hola" after 6 years of Spanish class).  I imagined he would have been great at math - after all, his dad is a human calculator, and I was never too shabby at math... there's a reason I'm in accounting right??

I imagined trying to help him through his first heartbreak.  Cuddling him, and trying to find a way to explain love to him.  I imagined him getting married to a nice girl.  She would have been lucky to have him as a husband.

I wondered if he'd have been an architect, or a doctor?  Or more likely, an analyst of some kind, in finance perhaps, like his parents.  Whatever his dream, I would have encouraged him and done whatever I can to help him achieve it, but in a way where he would have all the credit of his own merit.

I imagined him playing baseball with his dad.  Would he have thrown fastballs, or hit home runs, or both?

I envisioned him starting to talk at a ridiculously young age.  It sounds unreasonable, but I really thought he'd start saying words at 8 or 9 months. Maybe earlier.  From the moment he was born, he always had something to say, even if I couldn't understand it.  Maybe he knew the meaning of life :).  He was my little genius after all.

I always dreamed he'd be a wonderful big brother.  Teaching his younger sibling(s), and perhaps getting them into trouble too.  I  imagined him protecting a little sister...  I never imagined it would be from up above, as a guardian angel.  Now I'm not certain he's going to have a little sister, we'll know in a couple days though.  But I do know, this younger sibling, truly does have a guardian angel.  And I know this, because every time I have a serious worry (not that it's founded on anything but emotions), I know Preston sends me a sign to calm my nerves.  I rather have him with me, but, I couldn't ask for a better guardian angel.  I know he'll watch over his little brother or sister and that brings me a lot of peace.

There are so many dreams, that I can't even fathom listing them all.  I hope through them though, that you gotten to know Preston a little better.  For what he was, what he would have been, what I aspired him to be and really, for what he still is.  A bright star shining in the sky for his mama in times of need.