Year 2: Preston's Garden

Hard to believe that summer is almost over and that fall is fast approaching, which means harvest time for most of the crops in Preston's Garden.  The passing of time continues to be a struggle, the constant reminder of what is missing, what should be.  It's a battle, I fear I will face for the rest of my life.

As with last year, not everything went as planned with Preston's Garden.  I have never thought myself to have a green thumb, though since growing the garden for the first time last year, I've come to realize that I can at least grow somethings.  For the second year in a row, the peppers (red and green) did not grow.  The onions are a question mark as are the carrots, as I haven't tried to unearth these yet.  Last year, I harvested the lettuce too soon, and didn't have any for most of the summer.  This year, I didn't harvest it enough and it grew rampant.  Last year, I only had a handful of beans, and this year, they got too much shadow from the lettuce and didn't grow well.

However, the tomatoes, the corn and the cucumbers look great, and I'm excited to harvest them.  Hopefully another couple weeks, or maybe even a month and they'll be ready for eating!

My herbs, which I placed in planters this year, didn't fare very well either.  That however is my fault, for constantly forgetting to water them whereas the garden gets water from its make integrated sprinkler system.  Next year, I will be better...I hope.

I've learned lessons from this special garden.

It's a place I can tend to which is peaceful.  I do however, need to be better about caring for it on a weekly basis or it gets over-crowded quickly.

Next year, I probably need to plant less things, and space them out more.  Perhaps that will a) make it easier to tend to, and b) yield better crops.

Don't under-estimate reading about what you are planting.  You might find some tricks that you didn't know about.

Buy pepper plants instead of trying to grow them from seed... just saying...

Plants, like much of nature, are resilient.  We have some severe wind storms, some hail and heavy rain yet the garden thrived.  And if that's not a great lesson, I don't know what is.  Life will always throw adversity my way.  I just need to rise above, roll with the punches and just keep on going.

How have your gardens fared this summer?  What crop are you most excited to harvest and eat??

Since they are working on our deck, I couldn't take the picture from our deck, and had to take it through the living room window... which accounts for the weird shadows.  But this is Preston's Garden after I cleaned it up yesterday.

Mr. Bunny watching over the onions... I decided to unearth one, just to see... and it's the size of a dime...  Lesson for next year - plant these earlier, or deeper?

The tomatoes are doing better than last year.  Those cone cages really do make a difference, though the plants keep tipping forward.  Perhaps I just need to plant things further apart next year.

The tomatoes are certainly growing.  Some might be ready to be picked in a couple weeks!  I should emphasize that I'm not a tomato person, but I'm still excited.

For the skeptics that thought I was crazy to grow corn, ears of corn are actually growing!  I'm interested to see what it tastes like.

That being said, with how large these plants are... not sure I'll be doing it again next year!

My favorite this year is probably the cucumbers.  They are growing so well, and I think I'll have several.  I will probably be able to pick one or two next weekend. :) 

Decent size for a home garden no?? :)

21 months

Milestones are interesting.  Some mean more to one individual than to another.  Many of the milestones Preston reached, such as smiling, giggling and rolling over, mean more to me than to the average parent.  They did when they happened, and they do now that they are all I have.  Someone's child walking for the first time might mean more to them because they were told their child would never walk.  There are so many variables that come into play.

The milestones I've had to deal with over the last 17 months though, are much different to what I would have imagined.  The first weeks without Preston, the first month, the first year, his first birthday that he never got to celebrate on Earth.  What's striking to me though is how some of them are harder than others when you don't feel like they should be.  For example, on Wednesday, Preston should have turned 21 months old.  It's not one of those anniversaries that you hear about often, like the 1st birthday, turning 18 months, or two years.  Just 21 months.  It hit me really hard, for no apparent reason.

Perhaps it's that it got me thinking how I need to prepare for #SpreadHappinessForPreston day, coming up in less than 3 months now.  Or perhaps it's because just a month after his 2nd birthday, he should be meeting his sister for the first time.  Or perhaps, it's just that the hole that was etched into my heart when he died, is still just as large as it was on that horrible day.

I struggled with guilt again.  Why was I okay on his 18 month birthday, but not today?  Why do I feel decently most of the time when it feels like I should still be heavily grieving?  What is wrong with me? Does that mean I loved my child less than other parents?  What could I have done? Should I do anything differently this time around?

The truth is, I don't have any of those answers, other than knowing that I loved and continue to love Preston more than I ever though humanly possible.  Him not being here, doesn't make me love him less, it just makes it more difficult because I don't have many ways of expressing it toward him.  I can't tell him to his face.  I can't kiss him.  I can't hug him.  I can't show him how proud I am of him.

But, I can do what I've been doing.  I can continue to try and be the best person that I can be.  I can continue to try and motivate others, whether they are going through a similar journey or not.  I can continue to smile every day to honor Preston, who adored smiling and giggling.  I can continue to share him with the world and hope to touch someone's heart.  With his story, or simply with the happiness that you see on his face.  That is his legacy and I will continue shouting it on top of mountain tops as long as I'm around.  Will it change the world?  Probably not, but I owe it to him to try.

6 bunnies

Over a month ago, on a day where I had an OB appointment, I had one of those days.  Full of doubts about how my baby was doing.  I was at that point in the pregnancy where most of the symptoms, such as morning sickness, had faded away.  I was at that point, where the baby was small which meant that I wasn't feeling any movement.

I feel blessed that the day my mind started to worry, for no real reason, was on the day where I could request an ultrasound if I wanted.  On my train ride, I talked to Preston.  I told him I was worried, and that I wished he could tell me that everything was ok.  Almost instantly, I saw a bunny.  In the middle of downtown, on the grass surrounding one of the courthouses.  I thought, what a coincidence.  When we were further out from the city, I saw another bunny.  And then another, and 3 others.  None were in the same area.  I could have missed all of them, considering the speed the light rail goes at, and keeping in mind that the mind and eyes easily wander.

It was no accident.  I've never seen that many on my train ride home.  I've never seen a bunny at the courthouse, and since seeing me, trust me, I keep looking.  This was my son telling me, he is watching over his sibling.  This was my son telling me not to worry, that he is a guardian angel.

I don't know that I'll ever completely stop worrying, considering how suddenly Preston was taken away from us, but since seeing the 6 bunnies, I really haven't worried much.  And I certainly didn't worry yesterday before the 20 week scan.  If anything, I had butterflies, for the first time with this pregnancy.

The anatomy scan was wonderful.  Everything looked great, and baby is growing at a good pace.  We really could not have gotten better news.  No abnormalities, no unpleasant surprises, nothing to worry about.  In addition, I started feeling the baby move over the course of the past couple days.  Hubby even felt little kicks on Tuesday night.

And yes, of course, what you've been waiting for... we did find out what we are having.  Preston will be big brother, guardian angel to a little girl.

Meet Squirmy..... I mean, meet Samantha. <3  She appears to be trying to scratch her nose with her foot. :)

All that I wanted

Last week, I had a conversation regarding what my hopes and dreams were for Preston.  While this may sound depressing, it was rather therapeutic because it's not a subject I get to talk about much.  It's not something people ask every day, or something someone would even think to ask because it would probably come off as insensitive.. which I can totally understand too.

It was a difficult topic to discuss, but at the same time, it felt so nice to talk about my son, even if it was about things he'd never do.  It's not like those thoughts go away.  In about a month, a whole year and a half will have passed since the last time I held him and every day, I continue to wonder, what he'd be like, what he'd be doing, how would he compare to other kids his age.

I spent years imagining what it would be like to have a child; what my expectations were as a parent, and what I'd do in certain situations.  While it was next to impossible for us to have a child for several years due to my health, these thoughts, these hopes for the future, I think they kept us going.  They gave me a reason to take control of what I could, in regards to my health.  I think that was one of the toughest realizations for me when Preston was gone.  Not only that he wasn't with us anymore, and that all my recent dreams for him had vanished into thin air, but all the hopes I'd built in my head, in my heart for years, simply were smashed to pieces.

And so, if you don't find this too depressing of a subject, I invite you to read on about the hopes and dreams I had in regards to Preston.  Feel free to share any aspirations, thoughts and dreams that you had for your child.  Or for yourself, that aren't possible because of unforeseen obstacles thrown in your path throughout your life.  Or for a loved one, gone too soon.


Before Preston was born, in early November 2013, we were shopping at BabiesRUs, I forget what for - baby monitor maybe?  Picking up his crib?  Halloween costumes were being liquidated, given that the holiday had just passed.  We looked through them, and landed on a 9 month old lion costume.  It was so precious and we decided to buy it.  His original due date was December 15, a 9 month old costume made perfect sense.  When he was born a good 5 weeks early, at 4 lbs 5 oz, I always wondered if he would fit into it by Halloween.  I figured, it probably would be a little loose, but oh well.  I couldn't wait to see him in it.  To this day, I still find myself trying to see his little face in that lion costume.

Every day, I would talk to Preston about what was going on around him.  What people were doing outside, what his dad was doing, what everything around him was.  So many times, we watched children sliding down the greenbelt behind our house.  It looked like so much fun, and I told Preston, that we'd be doing that next year.  I so looked forward to it.  I thought we'd make snow angels, and snowmen.  One day, I knew his dad would show him how to snowboard, and I'd be a nervous wreck.

During my pregnancy, we ha wandered to the park on the 4th of July.  There were a bunch of festivities.  Food trucks, barbecue, carnival games, and music.  For the next weeks, I anticipated bringing Preston for years to come, possibly along with our friends and their son, who was born 5 months before Preston.  Odd as it may seem for a Canadian, the fourth of July remains one of the toughest holidays for me to get through since losing Preston.  I strongly suspect, this dream, has a lot to do with it.

I'd hoped to teach him French in a few years.  Teaching him at a young age, I hoped he'd have a proficiency for it, like his mama (not like his dad who can hardly say "Hola" after 6 years of Spanish class).  I imagined he would have been great at math - after all, his dad is a human calculator, and I was never too shabby at math... there's a reason I'm in accounting right??

I imagined trying to help him through his first heartbreak.  Cuddling him, and trying to find a way to explain love to him.  I imagined him getting married to a nice girl.  She would have been lucky to have him as a husband.

I wondered if he'd have been an architect, or a doctor?  Or more likely, an analyst of some kind, in finance perhaps, like his parents.  Whatever his dream, I would have encouraged him and done whatever I can to help him achieve it, but in a way where he would have all the credit of his own merit.

I imagined him playing baseball with his dad.  Would he have thrown fastballs, or hit home runs, or both?

I envisioned him starting to talk at a ridiculously young age.  It sounds unreasonable, but I really thought he'd start saying words at 8 or 9 months. Maybe earlier.  From the moment he was born, he always had something to say, even if I couldn't understand it.  Maybe he knew the meaning of life :).  He was my little genius after all.

I always dreamed he'd be a wonderful big brother.  Teaching his younger sibling(s), and perhaps getting them into trouble too.  I  imagined him protecting a little sister...  I never imagined it would be from up above, as a guardian angel.  Now I'm not certain he's going to have a little sister, we'll know in a couple days though.  But I do know, this younger sibling, truly does have a guardian angel.  And I know this, because every time I have a serious worry (not that it's founded on anything but emotions), I know Preston sends me a sign to calm my nerves.  I rather have him with me, but, I couldn't ask for a better guardian angel.  I know he'll watch over his little brother or sister and that brings me a lot of peace.

There are so many dreams, that I can't even fathom listing them all.  I hope through them though, that you gotten to know Preston a little better.  For what he was, what he would have been, what I aspired him to be and really, for what he still is.  A bright star shining in the sky for his mama in times of need.

Walking a fine line

This weekend, I was asked how my blog was going.  I was honest, and said, not great.  It's not that I don't have anything to talk about, it's just that I feel like I'm walking a fine line between talking about Preston and loss, and his new sibling to be.

This blog is about my son, about living through loss, about sharing my experiences, sharing my son, and hopefully helping someone.  I don't want this to become a blog just about my pregnancy and about this new baby.

But at the same time, there are so few resources for someone in my shoes.  I haven't connected with anyone else who lost their firstborn to SIDS.  And while I have connected with a few people who have had a child after loss, they are very few and far between.  I haven't encountered anyone though that had a child after SIDS.

So perhaps, I'm in a prime position to offer some insight into what I feel, what others in my shoes are feeling.  And at the same time, I don't want to be off-putting to any of my readers who might have just experienced a loss, for readers where the loss is still too fresh and where pregnancy is a trigger beyond any other.  

And so, that's where my mind has been lately.  Struggling between the loss and the pregnancy.  Finding the perfect mix, that will help others, without alienating anyone.

Perhaps there is no perfect formula.  All I can do, is share what I'm feeling, what I've lived, and how I survive and hope that it is enough to help others.  All I can do, is continue to try and make Preston proud, continue to share him with the world, and pray that he continues to make a difference.