SpreadHappinessForPreston - Year 12 - 11/19/2025

Time keeps ticking away, day by day. 

 

And while the ache isn’t as sharp as it once was, it is still there.   Constant.  Ready to bubble up to the surface without warning. 

 

Grief still cuts like a razor blade, though not with every breath the way it once did.

 

I’ve been living with the loss of my son, Preston, for close to 12 years now.  Each year on his birthday, I invite everyone to help me honor him by spreading happiness.  In big or small ways, any amount of happiness is a win!  Pay it forward.  Open the door for someone, tell someone they look nice or even just call your friend out of the blue.    Spreading happiness is my way of keeping Preston’s spirit alive, of giving his short life continued meaning.  The world needs his brightness.  One smile at a time.

 

This message isn’t meant to bring sadness.  Really, it’s meant to offer comfort.  To remind you that if you’re going through something, whatever it may be, that you. are. not. alone. 

 

It’s meant as a beacon of hope, a light shining through the darkness, like a rainbow.  Because while grief never fully leaves us, life carries on.  We owe it to our loved ones.  To ourselves.  To live fully, to love deeply and to not let sorrow consume us whole.

 

SpreadHappinessForPreston turns 12 this November 19th.  If I’m being completely honest, it’s hard to find the right words each year to share my missive.  To share my own emotions.  I’m not feeling as raw as I was 10+ years ago.  I don’t need to write daily to process my thoughts and feelings, though perhaps I should more often. 

 

What used to just flow freely from my fingers is now something that requires the right inspiration.  I’ve struggled to find that spark these past few years in the days leading to Preston’s birthday.  It isn’t for lack of love or wanting to share Preston’s message.  It’s just this pressure I put on myself to honor him in a way that feels new each year.  That spark arrived early this year, back in August, and that’s when I began writing this post.

 

My inspiration this year comes from signs and lyrics - two recurring themes in my blog.  Signs from Preston that whisper he’s still near and lyrics because they’ve always given a voice to my emotions, all the while resonating deep within my soul. 

 

At the end-of-season pool party for my daughter Sami’s swim team, a beautiful rainbow stretched across the sky right over the pool.  In that very moment, I knew Preston was there too, sending his own quiet applause, as if to tell his sister “Good job Sami, I love you”.  That’s what I instantly felt, and to boot, it made her smile from ear to ear.  Because I know she felt it too.  Through the years, it’s signs like this rainbow that show his presence is still close, though quiet.  A soft and gentle reminder of his being, instead of the thundering roar of a trigger sending me into a tailspin.

 

And then there’s a song.  Sami wanted me to listen to it because she went to a sleepover and fell in love with “K-Pop Demon Hunters” and in my head I was going to hate it thinking it wouldn’t be my taste, when who are we kidding here, I love pop music 😅.  I listened to it and was still resistant.  I then took her to a sing-a-long version of the movie at the Alamo, and well it grew on me.  And now, I feel like it fits perfectly for Preston, for the message of spreading happiness on his birthday coupled with his constant appearance in a rainbow.  The song’s name is Golden and here are some excerpts:

.

I’m done hidin’, now I’m shinin’

Like I’m born to be

We’re dreamin’ hard, we came so far

Now I believe

 

We’re goin’ up, up, up

It’s our moment

You know together we’re glowin’

Gonna be, gonna be golden

Oh, up, up, up

With our voices

Unbreakable forever [Translated from Korean]

Gonna be, gonna be golden

 

Oh, I’m done hidin’, now I’m shinin’

Like I’m born to be

Oh, our time, no fears, no lies

That’s who we’re born to be

 

The sign and the lyrics together hit me so deeply.  They feel like Preston’s message.  The one I’ve been trying to convey all these years.  The rainbow reminds me he’s still shining, still sending his light into the world.  And the words “I’m done hidin’, now I’m shinin’… gonna be golden” they mirror that light.  It’s as if he’s reminding me that even though his time here was short, he was born to shine, to spread joy, to be a beacon.  Each year on his birthday, when we come together to spread happiness, that light glows again.  Even if it’s just for one day, the world gets to feel Preston’s brightness.

 

So spread a little happiness on November 19th, you’ll find yourself smiling in no time. 

 

Keep on shining bright Preston, golden like at the end of a rainbow, glowing in the sky, only visible because of golden sunlight and rain – the perfect metaphor for joy and pain intertwined.

 

Happy birthday my sweet P. <3

The Light He Left Behind

It's been a while since I wrote a post out of the blue.  This one has been whirling in my mind for weeks, maybe even months.  Lately, I've been lost in my own thoughts, thinking about Preston.  I always miss him, but lately I've been especially aware of that missing piece of me that flew to heaven so many years ago.

I'm not sure why he's been so top of mind recently.  It's not as though a day goes by where I don't think of him.  Preston is part of our daily lives.  We mention his name every night when we say a blessing before dinner.  

Maybe it's that Samantha has mentioned him a lot in the past few months.  About missing out on having a sibling, her older brother.  Even though she never met him, she shares a deep connection with him and loves him dearly.  And that's where my heart breaks all over again.  Not just for me, but for her.  Seeing her cry over him tears me apart.  Absolutely apart.

However, I don't want this to be a depressing post.  In times of reflection, I often turn to music and I came upon a song I didn't know... you know me and lyrics.  In the past 8 months or so, I've met some wonderful people.  And like everyone, I know some of them carry their own struggles.  I have mine too, even if I often keep them tucked deep inside.  Recently, I opened up and shared Preston with a few of them, and this post just feels like something I should put out there for anyone that's facing their own something.  With a lot of them in mind.

The song is Iridescent by Linkin Park, from 2010; one I'd somehow never heard before, which is surprising given how much I listen to their music.  The first time I heard it, it hit me like a Mack truck.  It felt like someone had put into words every single feeling I had 11+ years ago, when everything was still so raw.  It took me back.  In a good way, but also in a way that really hurt.  A beautiful kind of ache.  I listened again and again and again, letting it wash over me.  That's what I do.  Music can be so incredibly healing to me.  Maybe it will be for you too.. Give it a listen, let it soak in and if you care to, see what it meant for me.

"When you were standing in the wake of devastation

When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown

And with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying, "Save me now"

You were there, impossibly alone"

I cannot think of better words to describe how I felt when everything first happened.  Quite frankly, I was in such a fog that I probably couldn't.  And even though I was surrounded by loved ones, and I'm oh so thankful for them all - I often still felt completely and utterly alone.  

While the grief may have been swallowing me whole, I had to keep breathing.. I knew it was what Preston would want for his Mama.  Somehow, that was enough to keep me moving.  And with perspective, I'm able to realize that I wasn't as alone as I thought.  I was being carried, piece by piece, by love.  His.  Mine.  By others going through similar pain... And even now, by those around me, many of whom are carrying their own something.

"Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure's all you've known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go, let it go"

I relate so deeply to the chorus.  The numbness created by grief was stiflingly agonizing and isolating.  With my own body failing me over and over again, whether with Crohn's or preeclampsia or with placental insufficiency, the struggle was no joke.  So many tears, so many internal disparaging comments to myself about not being enough for my own children.

Yet, I somehow was able to overcome the pain, the self inflicted guilt, and the frustration of my body doing the opposite of what I needed from it.  Most of my strength comes from Preston.  And my support system.  But I should give myself more credit.  It was by letting go of what was out of my control that I was able to see the light.  The hope.  What a gift to the world my little boy was.  I've likely said it in this blog a bunch of times - control what you can.  It can be a freeing feeling to slowly drop one of the many stones that you carry with you everywhere you go.  Perhaps that's one of Preston's gifts to me - a reminder to keep putting down the stones I can't carry, so that I can hold onto what really matters.  Love, hope, and the light he left behind that still shines iridescently.

"And in a burst of light that blinded every angel

As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars

You felt the gravity of tempered grace falling into empty space

No one there to catch you in their arms"

For me, this verse again echoes a lot of what I expressed earlier.  The loss was so disorienting, all my hopes and dreams fragmented into dust.  It was easy to feel the weight of the loss pulling me into darkness where it felt like no one could catch me.  

And yet, with time and a lot of internalizing, I've come to see that I was held up all along.  By grace, patience, love and that same brightness Preston left behind - like a beautifully hand-painted summer starry night.

All this to say - whatever the gravity of what you are dealing with is.  However alone you may feel.  To quote a friend, if you are heading toward darkness and just keep going toward more darkness.  Know this - you. are. not. alone.  If anything - you have Preston, shining his beautiful soul upon you.  You have me, who will also listen and lift you up.  And, you may not know it - but you have so much more than that. <3 

SpreadHappinessForPreston – Year 11 – 11/19/2024

 The more time elapses since losing Preston, I realize that gradually less are acquainted with my son; his story.  Concurrently, finding the right inspiration to write this yearly post becomes more challenging.  A symptom of being 10 years removed from the initial loss and shock of it all?

 

I’ll start here:  After losing my 16-week-old son to SIDS in March 2014, in an attempt to feel less alone and isolated, I spent sleepless nights reading quotes about grief, frequented forums for bereaved parents and read blogs about infant loss.  One story stayed with me: a family who had lost their daughter made it a mission to pay it forward in her memory.  With that in mind, I started a blog journaling my own journey, sharing my innermost thoughts, letting myself be vulnerable, all in the hopes of helping others going through a similar devasting loss.  I incorporated the “pay it forward” philosophy aiming to inspire others to spread happiness on Preston’s birthday (November 19th).  Preston was such a happy baby - he embodied happiness I’ve always said.   It only seemed fitting to brand his birthday and my blog: SpreadHappinessForPreston.

 

This blog was also my emotional outlet.  It prevented me from being swallowed by darkness.  In time, I’ve come to realize that others related to the range of emotions I detailed: pain, confusion, anxiety, guilt, numbness.  Succeeding wasn’t possible with every post, however I attempted to be a beacon of hope and positivity every time I wrote.  The roller coaster ride I embarked on over 10 years ago has a lot less twists and turns, ups and downs, but when they happen, I often find myself reading my own posts for inspiration and solace.  Crazy thing is, a lot of it, I don’t even remember writing.  This attests that there is such a thing as grief fog.

 

That said, please know that whatever you are going through, you are never alone.  Someone else has gone through it, is going through it right now.  I understand feeling alone, and that it can feel impossible – but please reach out to someone if you are struggling. You got this! ♥

 

Preston and SpreadHappinessForPreston turn 11 this year, on Tuesday 11/19/2024.  To say that I’ve been overwhelmed through the years by reading how others have spread happiness is an understatement.  Throughout the darkness that exists in our world, there is still a lot of brightness.  I hope that those who participate find it meaningful and know that it touches my heart and soul more deeply that I could ever imagine; it gives me purpose as Preston’s mother, and gives his short life purpose just as much.

 

SpreadHappinessForPreston makes the world a happier place, certainly brighter – if only for a day.  I hope you will consider participating in spreading happiness on Preston’s birthday.  If not in memory of Preston, simply because spreading happiness improves our own well-being by feeling the genuine joy for someone else’s happiness.  Paying it forward doesn’t need to cost a thing – just make it your mission to make someone smile on November 19th.

 

Wishing you a blissfully happy day, and joyous Thanksgiving and Holiday season.

"I'll find you out on the horizon"

 Dear Preston,

Tomorrow’s that awful day again.  10 years.  I’m facing that conundrum again where time both feels like it’s flown by, but at the same time it has ticked on at the pace of a snail’s crawl.

10 years.  How is that even remotely possible?  The emptiness is still there, the ache ever so present, the wound doesn’t heal.  It’s scar tissue, on top of scar tissue for every time the wound slowly tries to heal to self-preserve but is re-opened by moments, words, thoughts, sounds.  Most days are filled with smiles, laugher, good moments.  But these feelings of emptiness are never really far… hiding beneath the surface.

I’m obsessed with the new Linkin Park song – Friendly Fire.  It just spoke to me the first time I heard it.  Chester’s voice.  The lyrics.  “I was supposed to protect you, no matter what’s to come”.  Tears my heart every time – because it’s true – I was supposed to protect you, that’s my job!  But  I can’t stop listening to it.  I guess sometimes you just have to feel the hurt. The need for the hurt.  Feels wrong.  Yet makes me feel closer to you.

“We’re strangers in between the darkness, diving underneath.  I’ll find you out on the horizon”.  I do often wonder if we are strangers.  What would you look like?  What would you be like?  What would your passions be?  I know you would have been an excellent big brother, because you are even if you aren’t here.  Your sister loves you so much.  And I know in my heart and soul that you’re her guardian angel.

I ask myself these questions so often.  Too often.  I know we certainly aren’t strangers as you’re a part of me.  The missing puzzle piece.  But, I will find you out on the horizon – another rainbow? In heaven?

Know that you eternally live in my heart, even when it’s hard and I just want to run away from it all.  There are days where I could just drive around for hours, listening to music, thinking about you.

I’ll snuggle your sister all day if I can tomorrow.  It helps, having her close, safe.  You’d be proud of her, she’s a little spitfire.  Tenacious, definitely her own person and she won’t let you forget it.  Keep an eye on her, ok?  She’s heading in challenging years.

I miss you.  Every. Day.  It’s been a rough couple of months leading to this day.  I’ve done a lot of soul searching, reading my own blog and thoughts.  Not remembering a lot of it was jarring – quite the revelation of really being in a grief fog.  Helpful.  Heart-wrenching.  Cause for hope.  I suppose, all things I needed leading to today.

Keep on spreading that happiness my love.  Perhaps this was one of the sadder posts and letters I’ve written, at least in a long time.  I needed it.  Not having that same need and inspiration to write made me forget how soothing and releasing it could be to just bear my soul for whoever will read it.  Hopefully it helps others, and not just me.  That’s always been my goal – for you to have that purpose.  Your life meant something, and not just to me.

I love you always.

Mama 

PS. Send me some rays of sunshine or something tomorrow won’t cha?

SpreadHappinessForPreston – Year 10 – 11/19/2023

A decade.  Funny that when we turn 10 and even 20, we’re quite excited for the milestone and it seems like it took forever to get there.  A decade now?  Makes me feel old.  It feels like it flew by.  Yet, there are days when my heart feels like everything just happened yesterday.  10 years ago, this is not how I anticipated preparing for Preston’s 10th birthday and at the risk of letting myself be totally vulnerable – it’s been a difficult couple of months of anticipation.  I feel like I could breakdown at any moment, with no particular trigger.

At the height of my grief, when I lost my son, I needed his life to have had meaning.  I needed to feel that as his mom, I was doing something.  Coping with losing my son to SIDS, I blogged almost daily.  Yes as an outlet, but mostly in an effort to provide solace to other bereaved parents.  I started the blog after conceptualizing turning my son’s birthday into a day where happiness could be spread around the world.  I hoped my blog could have the same effect on any other day as readers connected with my pain, confusion, anxiety, guilt, etc. 

It seemed like an unattainable goal for Preston to have an impact on the world, but I’ve always felt that if Preston and my experience could help just one person, I’d be fulfilled…and I can say that today, I do feel like I achieved my goal.  However, don’t let that fool you into thinking you won’t hear from me again next year!  Though my blog never went viral, it’s had over 70k views, with 8k in the past year despite the fact that I don’t blog anymore.  Views: 70% USA, 10% Singapore, 8% Canada, 12% - over 15 other countries.  I’d say mission accomplished; Preston has left an imprint on the world.

SpreadHappinessForPreston turns 10 this year, on Sunday 11/19/2023.  This date marks Preston’s 10th birthday.  I’ve been overwhelmed through the years by reading how others have shared happiness through touching gestures, in creative ways and with just the simplest of things.  Knowing happiness is shared with my son in mind has a soothing effect on my heart and reminds me that I can still be his mother, even when he’s in heaven.  I pray that it has been just as meaningful to anyone else who has participated over the past years and continues to be for those who have been along for the ride since the beginning.

I’ve learned in these past several years that though my initial goal was to provide support for bereaved parents, my experience applies to anyone who has experienced loss.  Grief is a journey we all eventually must learn to stumble through and I hope that even if in the smallest of ways, my story can help you feel that you are not, and never will be alone.

SpreadHappinessForPreston is a day to make the world a little happier, certainly brighter.  I hope you will consider participating in spreading happiness on Preston’s birthday.  If not in memory of Preston, simply because spreading happiness has a way of ricocheting by putting a smile on your own face.  Remember that paying it forward doesn’t need to cost a thing – just make it your mission to make someone smile on November 19th.

Wishing you a wonderful day, weekend and Thanksgiving. Sincerely,

~Cat

PS. I’d love to hear how you have shared happiness.  You can use #SpreadHappinessForPreston on social media, comment on my blog - http://spreadhappinessforpreston.blogspot.com/, you can tag me @tsunaze1 or email me – tsunaze1@gmail.com.  I’m a total nerd and Tsunaze was my World of Warcraft character name… if you were curious 😎

PSS. If you aren’t totally sick of me yet, I happened upon a post I wrote on 10/28/2015 that I just wanted to share an excerpt given everything else I wrote about above – if you’re struggling with grief right now, perhaps it can be a little glimmer of hope ♥

SpreadHappinessForPreston - Year 9

Time is a funny thing.  During difficult times, it appears to travel at a snail’s pace.  During enjoyable vacations, you blink and it’s over.  Looking back on the past 9 years, it seems like it was just yesterday that my son was born, and yet the dull ache in my heart is a constant reminder of how long it’s been. Over 9 years ago, I envisioned turning my son’s birthday into a day where happiness is shared all around the world.  Big dreams, but in my grief-stricken mind, I needed his life to have mattered.  At the time, I blogged almost every day to cope with the loss of my son to SIDS.  This outlet did wonders for my grief, and I was able to connect with other bereaved individuals.  During this time, I know that Preston’s life had meaning. That our story helped others not feel so alone.  It was amazing to see the statistics of my blog (ha, the nerd in me) and to see it’s reach to other continents. 

 

Grief has not left me, nor would I want it to.  However, instead of living in my shadow, it’s better explained as an intruder that pokes it’s head in from time to time, either totally unexpectedly or triggered by “x”, “y” or “z”.  Perhaps one of the most important things I’ve learned through the years is that grief does not have a linear path.  It’s better described as a roller-coaster ride, where in time, the twists and turns are simply less intense and less frequent. 

 

SpreadHappinessForPreston turns 9 this year, this Saturday on 11/19/2022.  This date marks my son Preston’s 9th birthday.  The idea of SpreadHappinessForPreston came to me through reading other stories, similar to mine, where one family paid it forward in memory of their daughter.  Since Preston radiated happiness, SpreadHappinessForPreston was born.  It has been rewarding to me to hear about how others have shared happiness – creative ways, touching gestures and just the simple things.  It has helped me continue to feel like a mother to my angel.  I hope that it has been just as meaningful to anyone else who has participated over the past years and continues to be for those who have been along for the ride since year 1. 🤍

 

SpreadHappinessForPreston is a day to pay it forward.  A day to make the world a little brighter and happier.  I hope you will consider participating, if not for Preston, simply because spreading a little happiness has a way of putting a smile on your own face.  Remember that paying it forward doesn’t need to cost a thing – just make it your mission to make someone smile on November 19th.

 

Wishing you a wonderful day, weekend and holiday season.

#SpreadHappinessForPreston

Spread Happiness for Preston - Year 8

It’s hard to fathom how much time has passed since I first conceptualized the idea of turning my son’s birthday into a day where happiness is shared with as many people as possible.  Where in my grief-stricken mind, I wished his little life could have an impact on the world, as I needed his time on earth to have a meaning.  And for a time, I know he did.  I know my story touched and helped others going through similar experiences.  I blogged almost every day pouring out my heart in order to cope with the loss of my son to SIDS.

 

The grief still lives in me, but less on the surface; more like an intruder that pokes it’s head in from time to time, usually unexpectedly.  I never thought I’d be one to go through panic attacks, but I’ve certainly had a couple this year totally catching me off-guard (I didn’t realize it was happening until it was over).  Grief is not a linear path, and continues to be a roller-coaster ride, the twists and turns are simply less intense, less frequent.

 

With the constant ups and downs that the pandemic has brought to all our lives, it goes without saying that we are all in need of more kindness and happiness as we all navigate this ride that is life.

 

SpreadHappinessForPreston turns 8 this year, tomorrow on 11/19/2021.  This date marks my son Preston’s 8th birthday.  The idea of SpreadHappinessForPreston came to me through reading other stories, similar to mine, where one family paid it forward in memory of their daughter.  Since Preston radiated with happiness, SpreadHappinessForPreston was born.  It has been rewarding to me to hear about how others have shared happiness – such creative ways, and touching gestures.  It has helped me continue to feel like a mother to my angel.  I hope that it has been just as meaningful to anyone else who has participated over the past years.

 

SpreadHappinessForPreston is a day to pay it forward.  A day to make the world a little brighter and happier.  I hope you will consider participating, if not for Preston, simply because spreading a little happiness has a way of putting a smile on your own face.  Remember that paying it forward doesn’t need to cost a thing – just make it your mission to make someone smile on November 19th.

 

Wishing you a wonderful day, and holiday season as it is upon our door already.

~Cat

 

#SpreadHappinessForPreston 

SpreadHappinessForPreston – Year 7

2020 has brought hardships and devastation to people around the world.  2020 is a year, we’d all like to, quite frankly erase from the calendar.  With the wild ride this year has been, and with no real relief in sight, we are all in need of more kindness and happiness.  Our lives have been flipped upside down, and we’ve had to make a series of adjustments and we are still learning to navigate this “new normal” that is ever changing as new mandates and circumstances continue to change.

SpreadHappinessForPreston turns 7 this year, on 11/19/2020 as this date marks my son Preston’s 7th birthday.  In the early days of my grief after losing our son to SIDS, I desperately needed to find meaning for his life.  I needed to feel like he mattered, however short his life was.  Since Preston radiated with happiness, SpreadHappinessForPreston was born and has been rewarding for me as a mother.  Hopefully it has also been for all those who have participated, or for the  beneficiaries of an act of kindness made in my son’s memory.

SpreadHappiness for Preston is a day to pay it forward.  A day to make the world a little brighter and happier.  I ask for your participation on November 19th, not only for Preston, but because our world is hopelessly in need of happiness.  Remember that paying it forward doesn’t need to cost a thing – just make it your mission to make someone smile that day. J

Giving someone the gift of happiness, will not only make them feel good, it will also give you the feels.  As the wise Maya Angelou once said I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.  I attest to this.  When I hear that someone has participated, or learn of their act of kindness, I remember it, and it makes me smile like no other.

Wishing you a wonderful day, and holiday season as it is upon our door already.

#SpreadHappinessForPreston

Preston <3

SpreadHappinessForPreston - Year 6 - November 19, 2019

SpreadHappinessForPreston is turning 6 on November 19, 2019. For those unfamiliar with this event, it is something I created 6 years ago to honor my son, Preston, who passed away (SIDS) when he was 16 weeks old. November 19th is his birthday and since Preston was the happiest baby, it made sense for me to create a movement to spread as much happiness as I could around the world on his birthday.

As I have with years past, I encourage you and your loved ones to complete acts of kindness to make this a day as happy as can be, all around the world. Through blogging, and message boards, Preston’s story has travelled all around the world – from Russia to South Africa and Australia. Though my blogging days are mostly a thing of the past, blogging on spreadhappinessforpreston.blogspot.com allowed me to connect with other bereaved parents, no matter their physical location. Writing was a wonderful and powerful outlet for my grief, and I made amazing connections during this time.

Preston was a shining light and continues to be from up above. He embodied happiness. His smiles and giggles live in my heart and brighten up my days. It’s for this reason that I want to share him with the world, and want to make the world, if only a little, a happier place on his birthday. Heaven knows our world could use more happiness.

As Preston’s younger sister, Samantha (Sami), gets older (almost 4), she often asks about her brother and it’s certainly been a challenge teaching her about heaven and where her brother is. We have never shied away from talking about Preston with Sami and he is part of the blessing she says before dinner. She loves her brother, even though she has never met him, I know that he watches over her and that they share a special bond.

Just as Preston always has a place in our hearts, I hope that you find a place for him in yours, and join SpreadHappinessForPreston as it, and Preston turn 6.

I found this quote a few years back, and it seems so fitting that I mention it every year:

Happiness is like jam. You can’t spread even a little without getting some on yourself. – Anonymous

May completing an act of kindness bring a smile to your face, just as much as it does the recipient. Remember that making someone smile, can be as simple as giving a hug, sharing happy memories, or letting someone go ahead of you at Starbucks.

Thank you in advance for your participation, it brings me joy to share my son and his memory with you. If you are so inclined to share your acts of kindness on social media, please use #SpreadHappinessForPreston …I know it’s a mouthful J Or you may share them with me via email (my personal email is tsunaze1@gmail.com or on my blog’s Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/SpreadHappinessForPreston

Have a blessed day and Thanksgiving!
Kindest Regards,
~Cat

SpreadHappinessForPreston - Year 5

SpreadHappinessForPreston is turning 5 on November 19, 2018.  If you are unfamiliar with this event, it’s something I created 5 years ago to honor my son, Preston, who passed away (SIDS) when he was 16 weeks old.  November 19th is his birthday.

This annual event is one where I encourage people to complete acts of kindness to make this day as happy as can be around the world.  Preston’s memory has travelled all over the world reaching far-away places like South Africa, a place I don’t have any family or friends.  I have connected with a lot of people from all over the world through a blog (spreadhappinessforpreston.blogspot.com) that I wrote during my first years as a bereaved mom.  It’s amazing the connections you can make with people when grieving so heavily.

I’ve always said that Preston embodied happiness.  He always smiled and hardly ever fussed.  I still carry all his smiles with me, and they continue to brighten up my days.  For this reason, I think it’s just so fitting to try to make as many people smile as possible.

We’ve since been blessed with Preston’s baby sister, Samantha (Sami), who will be turning 3 in December.  She brings us so much happiness and is the light of our lives.  But Preston is never forgotten, and always on our minds.  I hope that you find a place for him in yours, and join SpreadHappinessForPreston as it, and Preston turns 5. 

May it bring a smile to your face as you complete an act (or acts if you are so inclined) of kindness.  Remember that making someone smile, can be as simple as giving them a hug, sharing happy memories, or letting someone go in front of you at the grocery store.

Happiness is like jam.  You can’t spread even a little without getting some on yourself. – Anonymous

Thank you in advance for your participation, it means the absolute world to me to share my son and his memory with you.  If you are so inclined to share your acts of kindness on social media, please use #SpreadHappinessForPreston …I know it’s a mouthful. :)  Or you may share them with me via email (my personal email is tsunaze1@gmail.com or on my blog’s Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/SpreadHappinessForPreston.

Have a blessed day and Thanksgiving!

Sincerely,

~Cat

Since you've been gone

Dear Preston,

It's that awful day again.  It's been 4 years now, can you believe it?  I wonder if you are even aware of time passage in Heaven.  I hope you are surrounded by loved ones on this day.

I constantly wonder if you've grown or what it's like up there?  I've heard that in Heaven, there's no bodies and you're just a spirit or energy.  It doesn't stop me from wondering what you look like at 4 years old.  And what about your mind?  Do you instantly become aware of everything and can understand all my thoughts?  Or do you still have the mind of a four month old?

I don't know what to believe, but I know this.  You know when I need you.  I can feel it whenever I call out to you in my head.  Whenever I need reassurance, you send me some kind of sign.  For years, I've looked to see a license plate that would have your initials.  It made me feel like if I could see it, you would be telling me that you are thinking of me.

This weekend on the way back from swim class with your sister, there was a car in front of me with the following plate:  SWT PEA

Do you remember that I always called you Sweet P?  I think this is as close as I'm going to get.  Seeing it days just days before having to deal with today - it reminded me that you are with me wherever I go.  You keep me grounded.

I spent the day with your sister today.  We cuddled as we watched a variety of shows she enjoys.  We went shopping for some clothes for her.  She keeps growing!  I feel guilty whenever I have a thought along the lines of I wish she would stop growing or I wish she would stay a baby forever.  Because I know what it's like to have a baby stop growing.  I want her to have a long healthy life.  I wanted that for you too.

Without think about it, we ended up buying three articles of clothing with rainbows on it.  A Mickey/Minnie Mouse t-shirt that I thought was cute.  A t-shirt with a sequin heart and a rainbow within the heart.  And a rainbow striped dress - your sister picked that one herself with no help from me.  While Sami napped, I removed all the tags from the new clothes and was telling your dad how Sami picked that dress.  He said something that hadn't even occurred to me: that's interesting considering what today is.

I kept busy during her nap.  Probably one of the roughest nap times considering you passed during a nap on this dreadful day.  I meal prepped our slow cooker dinner for tomorrow.  Before I knew it, she was awake. 

I took her to the park which is her new favorite thing to do.  We were gone for over an hour.  She had fun going up to the slide and sliding down.  She liked going through the little tunnels they have on the playground.  She kept wanting to go say hi to Nemo, a plastic statue they have at the pool which is located next to the park.  He's gated in and the pool is closed so all she could do was wave to him through the fence.

We also went to the pet store so that she could see the fishies and any other animals that might be there.  I had wanted to take her to the zoo, but there just was too many other things I wanted to do.

She smiled a lot.  So did I.

It leaves me perplexed with how I feel today.  I've had happy moments for sure.  I've had moments where I've been sad.  I had trouble putting your sister down to sleep tonight.  She fell asleep so fast after having such a fun day.  I didn't want to let go.  I felt guilty for having fun without you.

Since you've been gone, those are feelings that I have almost every day.  And then I remember the rainbows, and the bunnies.  I remember that you want me to have happiness in my life, and I try so hard to have it.  Your sister makes it easy.  She's my sunshine.

Perhaps it's fitting that I say this is her song:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy, when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
No please don't take my sunshine away

It's my prayer every day.

I miss you terribly, but I know that you hear my prayer.  I know because she makes a sound in her sleep whenever I'm worried.  I see rainbows in unexpected places - a reflection on the floor as I walk into the office from the light catching the glass door at just the right angle.

I know you are with me as I continue this incredibly difficult journey without you.  But I still miss you, and I always will.  Thank you for being our guardian angel.

Thinking of you always,
-Mama

Save the date - #SpreadHappinessForPreston - Year 4

It's a hard realization today to see that I haven't blogged in over a year.  In no means does it mean I don't think of Preston, as I think of him daily.  I know part of it is due to the lack of time I have to do leisure activities, and the other part has to be that I don't need to get things off my chest like I did a couple years ago.  I do hope to be able to blog again soon, whether it be about loss, being a mom to a rainbow, or anything else that I've found to make life a little easier (I finally started meal planning and omg, life changer!).

I've recycled parts of the lower post... i just feel like some parts of it I've perfected as much as I can, so apologies, if it feels like you've already read some of this.

Thanks for still following me along my journey and helping spread happiness around the world... the world can certainly use it...

Happiness is like jam.  You can't spread even a little without getting some on yourself. - Anonymous

I keep using this quote, since it best describes what #SpreadHappinessForPreston is all about.  Spreading happiness should not only make someone’s day, but it should make you smile as well.

For those of you unfamiliar with #SpreadHappinessForPreston, it is a day/movement I created to honor my late son Preston.  I wanted to find a way to honor his life and memory and this is what I came up with.  Each year, on November 19th, his birthday, I ask everyone to spread happiness in any way they can.  My son was the embodiment of happy.  Hardly ever cried, and although he only lived for four months, he gave me so many smiles which still brighten up my days.

Preston was taken from us in March 2014 when he passed during a nap at an in-home daycare from SIDS.  While I take Preston's birthday as an opportunity to honor his life by attempting to have others spread happiness all around the world, I think it's also a great opportunity to bring awareness to SIDS which is sadly something real.  One of those things you hear about but never really think will happen to you.  SIDS is filled with questions as no one really knows what it is, or what causes it.  There are many theories out there, but it's very difficult to determine if any of them are plausible.  I do hope and pray that one day, we can answer the question of what causes SIDS, and really what is SIDS.  In the meantime, all we can do is do everything we can to reduce the risks, as there is really no way to prevent it.  It's a frightening fact.  

Having lost a baby to SIDS, having another child was terrifying, but one day at a time, we make it through.  Preston’s sister will be turning 2 in December, which means SIDS is something I fear less.  Now I get to have all the regular fears other parents have!  The first year was definitely a challenge.  Sleeping with the baby monitor inches from my face (ok, I’ll be honest, I still do…), checking on her constantly in the middle of the night, etc.  Samantha definitely has a wonderful guardian angel in her brother. J

Back to #SpreadHappinessForPreston - It is the fourth year that I am promoting this event.  Anyone and everyone is invited and encouraged to participate.  The premise is to share happiness on this day.  Since Preston radiated with happiness, it only seemed fitting that sharing this contagious feeling would be the best way to honor him.  This world can be so cruel, and I believe we can always use a little more happiness and light.  The beautiful thing is that, like the quote above says, completing an act of kindness not only makes the person on the receiving end smile, but it surely makes you smile as well.

Preston continually teaches me life lessons, an irony that I have a hard time grasping, as I should be the one doing the teaching.  Nonetheless, I don't take any of it for granted for it's made me a better person.  He's taught me how to smile every day, because he wouldn't want me to always be sad.  He's taught me how to appreciate the small things, and not to take anything for granted.  He’s shown me a new way of looking at life; perspective is everything.  He continues to slowly help me regain my faith by sending signs in the shape of rainbows and bunnies.  Often times, when I get a nervous feeling about my daughter, he'll send me some sign that she's doing alright - like in the middle of the night if she hasn't moved in a long time and I'm about to check on her, she'll suddenly make a little sound or turn to her side (still happens to this day).  My daughter does have quite the guardian angel!

November 19th, Preston's 4th birthday, will be a day I hope brings happiness to as many people as possible - including you.  I hope it to be a day where everyone can spread a little happiness in the world. A pay it forward day, or a day filled with acts of kindness.  A day where smiles inundate the world, and happiness is just felt everywhere you go.

For the past three years, on November 19th, random acts of kindness were made all over the world to honor my little boy, thanks to people who read my blog (which I’ve totally neglected this past year L) and friends I’ve made along the way. I know it sounds crazy, but it somehow reached all the continents.  My little boy and his smile continue to travel the world and I hope they do forever...

I'd like to share some of the acts of kindness that were done to serve as inspiration, and perhaps even to make you smile:

·         Several of my wonderful coworkers bought multi-colored balloons to be released for Preston's birthday (he loved colors).

·         A star was named for Preston

·         Books were donated to a school in Preston's name

·         Donations to charities were made (SIDS foundation of America, Children's Hospital, and several others)

·         Larger than normal gratuities were given away

·         A memorial stone was given to us with Preston's name and birthdate

·         Teddy bears were given to underprivileged children; toys were given to charities

·         Doors were open for strangers

·         Treats were brought in for colleagues

·         Trees were planted to honor the children another family had lost

·         Flowers were given away, just because

·         Every year, my husband brings pizza over to the firehouse, for the men who tried to save our son (while pregnant, Preston would move like crazy when I ate pizza)

·         Diapers and wipes were donated to struggling mothers

·         Lunch was bought for the person waiting next in line

·         Many people gave to food banks or gave away gift cards for a warm meal

·         Buy a lotto ticket for the clerk that sells them

·         Samantha's daycare plans to read Preston's favorite book to all the kids that attend the daycare on November 18th, since November 19th is a Saturday this year

·         Breakfast was made for a spouse that was running late

·         Popcorn & cash were taped to RedBox machines for people to enjoy a free movie and treat

And those are just some of the acts of kindness that were shared with me in the past couple years.  As illustrated above, remember that money isn't necessary to spread happiness: 

·         Hugs

·         Smiles

·         Saying things like "I love you" and "I appreciate you" to loved ones

·         Share your favorite funny video or picture

·         Cook your child's, or spouse's favorite meal

·         Ask someone "How are you - really?" and listen

·         Share happy memories or stories

·         Think of someone you haven't thought of in a long time, and send them a text - letting them know you thought of them, and it made you smile

·         Volunteer to help someone or an organization

·         Pack a lunch and give it to someone in need

·         Give blood

·         Let people go in front of you while in line

·         Donate unused clothes, toys

Please keep in mind that if you do make a donation, it does not have to be in Preston's name.  Make the donation in the name of someone that means a lot to you, or to someone close to you.  Make the donation to a charity that means a lot to you.  While Preston is the driving force behind this event, the point is to spread happiness around the world - the more people it touches, the more proud of my son I am.  He is creating this happiness.  Without him, this special day would not exist.

At the risk of repeating myself, much like the quote I shared at the top of this message, the added bonus of spreading happiness is that it has the contagious effect of putting a smile on your own face.  Much like Preston's smile was contagious, and continues to be thanks to the fabulous invention of photography.  The world can be such a dark place.  I hope that Preston's birthday, this year, and for all the years to come, makes it a brighter world, even if only for one day a year.  One person at a time, one act of kindness after another.

I invite you to share your random acts of kindness on social media using #SpreadHappinessForPreston.  You can also share through email (tsunaze1@gmail.com) or on my blog's Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/SpreadHappinessForPreston

I hope that you plan to join me and that #SpreadHappinessForPreston makes you smile.  I have cards that can be handed out when you do pay it forward.  If you are interested, I'd be more than happy to send you one (or more - spreading happiness does not have to end with one person, one act).  Simply email me for more details.  If it's not too much to ask, please share this with your friends and family.  The more people spreading happiness, the happier the day will be.

You have my sincerest gratitude for considering participating and sharing this event.  It's my hope that not only you will make someone smile, but that in the end, it also makes you smile.

Have a blessed day!