18 months

Dear Preston,

Today, you would have turned 18 months.  Oh I can just imagine you running around, giggling and creating happy havoc into our daily lives.  What would you look like?  Would you have kept those blond locks and those baby blue eyes?  I think you would have, so I imagine you that way.  It isn't often that I can imagine you older than 16 weeks.  Forever in my heart, I think you will remain 16 weeks old, even though time repeatedly attempts to tell me you should be older.

I can be tough and strong.  I didn't really want to be either today, but circumstances made it so I had to be.  It was an incredibly busy day, but that doesn't mean it wasn't a good day for me.  It was productive, and I felt accomplished at the end of the day, even if not everything I wanted to get done got done.  Does it ever, really?  Why expect so much out of every day?

A lot of people see me as being tough, and strong.  I even fall into the category of people who believes it some days.  Truth is, I don't think it's about being tough or strong.  It's about finding a way to survive.  Grief affects us all at some point or another.  Whether it's unexpected, or something that's impending, weighing on our souls every day.  Whether it happens too soon, or whether our loved one leads a long life.  We are never quite prepared.  Death seems to surround me a lot lately.  Friends and co-workers losing loved ones, one after another.  Through loss communities, I continually meet parents who have lost babies.  And do I have advice for them, for anyone?  No, not really.  You'd think I might, having lived through one of the most unimaginable losses that exists in today's world.

Perhaps just this - one day at a time, one moment at a time, one step at a time.  That's all we can do.  And as we do, we survive.

Preston, I missed you a lot today.  I wish with all my heart that I could still have you in my arms, or see you running around trying to learn everything and nothing about the world.  I'd have loved to teach you.  Would I have messed up as a parent? Surely, we all do.  Regardless, you would have remained my perfect little boy.

You know, this one song has been weighing on my heart for weeks.  Of course you know that, you are always with me.  I felt you close today as I heard it again this morning.  As you know, I still struggle with my faith.  I probably will for years to come.  This song though, it always helps me remember why I believe in God.  And while it's a love song, there are portions that I feel really resonate to our relationship and my relationship with God.

I was never a big Country fan.  It's not really something that plays a lot in Montreal, so for the most part, it's probably because my exposure to it was very low.  Through watching The Voice and learning more about Blake Shelton, I found myself really liking some of his songs.  This one is probably my favorite (even though it's wasn't a country song to begin with) because it reminds me of you every time I hear it.  And while it tugs at my heart strings, it also makes me smile, and brings me closer to God.  In extension, closer to you as well.

And so, my sweet baby boy... this letter to you might not be the most heartfelt, nor the most elegant.  It seems like a jumble of a lot that's been floating around in my head lately.  But I want to leave you with a portion of the lyrics of that song.  And, I want to thank God, because:

God Gave Me You

I've been a walking heartache

I've made a mess of me

The person that I've been lately

Ain't who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me

And watch as the storm blows through

And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

And for when I think I lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it's true

God gave me you

Gave me you

...

On my own I'm only

Half of what I could be

I can't do without you

We are stitched together

And what love has tethered

I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

And for when I think I lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it's true

God gave me you

Gave me you

And Preston, dare I say, how lucky I am, even though I often feel like one of the unluckiest people alive.  I'm lucky because, not only did God give me you... he also gave me your dad.  And that wonderful man, is there for me through the ups and downs too.  Through all the doubts, and fears, he's always steady, by my side.

I hope you go to taste some pizza today, along with us.  We still have it every 19th you know.  And through all the good days, and bad days.  Through all the doubts, fears, feelings of guilt and moments of weakness - I know you are by my side, showing me the way to surviving another day, and shining a bright light on hope that still exists.

Love you always,

Mama

xxxx