#CaptureYourGrief - Day 16 - Retreat

The object of day 16 of Carly Marie's #CaptureYourGrief project was to take the day to do something for yourself since October 15th can be very emotional for parents who have lost a child.  I felt rather peaceful on October 15th, and didn't really take the day to do anything for myself - at least nothing out of the ordinary.

I try to be kind to myself as much as possible.  This journey has taught me that my emotions are going to come out when they need to.  I don't feel like I'm holding everything in.  Maybe I did at some point, but I don't feel like falling apart at the drop of a hat.

I was looking through passages from my blog today, trying to find some passages that I thought might help a friend.  I re-read Another Month Goes By, Fading Laughter, Happy Thoughts/Moments and Fog.  Quite honestly, it made me realize how far I've come in a short few months.  It showed me that sometimes, I need to go back and read these, because I need to take my own advice.  I lived in a fog for several weeks, perhaps more because I don't remember writing everything I have.  I may live in a fog again, as Preston's birthday approaches, as the holidays loom.  Sometimes, I still need to slow down, and appreciate the small things in life.

More importantly, going through these entries, made me realize that I have a retreat.  I retreat almost every day into my blog.  I put my thoughts, emotions to virtual paper.  I don't feel judged.  I don't feel like I need to hold back.  It's a time for me.  A special time to think about Preston, even if I thought of him throughout the day.  It gives me a time to fall apart if I need to, but also a place to share the happy things that may happen.  And right now, I'm happy with the interest people have had with the #SpreadHappinessForPreston event.

Thank you for letting me share my journey with you.  Thank you for not judging me.  I hope that I am able to touch your soul, heart and life.  I hope that you sometimes take something away from my experiences and thoughts.

One month away - Spread Happiness For Preston - 11/19

One month from now, I should be celebrating my son's first birthday, with blue balloons and a bear shaped cake.  I should be watching him put his hands into the cake, making a mess and getting his first taste of something sweet like cake and icing.  One month from his birthday, I should be shopping for toys, and teddy bears, books and onesies.

Unfortunately, SIDS has made it so I won't be able to experience the joy of this monumental event.  This event that all mothers, all parents dream of.  I don't get to hear the squeals of happiness, and see the smiles.  Well, I do - in pictures and videos.  And I'm oh so grateful to have all that I have.  I'm so grateful that I was, am the mother to such a perfect little guy.  Forever frozen in time, in my mind and in my heart, as a 16 week old little boy.

In one month, the #SpreadHappinessForPreston day will be here.  November 19th.  The day he was born, 5 weeks early.  The day my life was forever changed.  And while the loss is heartrendingly painful, time has helped cauterize the wound in my heart.  It will never truly be mended, but I have learned, through my son, that happiness is all around us.  We all experience struggles.  We all have bad days.  We all have our ups and downs - and they can't be compared.  

My son radiated with happiness.  If I had to write a definition in a dictionary for happiness, it would be just that - Preston.  He wasn't a fussy baby.  He didn't cry without a reason, and those were few.  He grew leaps and bounds - from 4 pounds 5 ounces to 11 pounds 3 ounces in 16 weeks.  He had milestones - graduating from the NICU to come home, smiling, giggling, rolling over.  And most of all - he taught me a whole new side to life, even without being physically present.  I appreciate the small things in life.  I find a way to smile every day.  I treasure the memories of my son, and am always open to seeing the signs he might send me - a rainbow, a bunny, or just random events that I just know, came from him.

And I want to pay it forward.  I want to make the world a brighter place, a happier place, even if it's just one person at a time.  I'm hoping that a pay if forward, random acts of kindness day on November 19th of each year, can help make that dream come true.  I hope that you will join me in spreading happiness a month from now, on Preston's birthday.  What can you do?

• Open the door for strangers, even if you are in a hurry
• Donate to your favorite charity, or to a Children's hospital, or to the SIDS Foundation of America
• Buy the coffee for the person behind you while at Starbucks
• Help out a child in need, or a homeless person (it doesn't have to be money, make them a sandwich, or something like that)
• Give a gift card to someone, randomly, or to a friend, just because
• Send flowers to cheer up someone who's been having a rough week
• Make your husband/wife/children's favorite meal
• Send a balloon up to the sky, with a card attached - for someone you have lost

There are so many things that can be done to just make someone smile - even if that someone is someone you love.  Do you have to stop at one person? If you are up for it, make as many people smile as you can.  I invite you to share what you have done to spread happiness on November 19th, by sharing it on social media with #SpreadHappinessForPreston.  Or by commenting on my blog.  Or by emailing me - tsunaze1@gmail.com

I hope you will join me, and that #SpreadHappinessForPreston day is a success.  I have cards that can be handed out when you pay it forward.  If you are interested, I'd be happy to mail you one.  Just email me.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for considering participating in this event.  I hope that not only it makes someone else smile, but that it also makes you smile.

-Cat

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 9: In Memory

Carly Marie wrote the following:

"There is such a deep-rooted yearning that we feel when our beloved children die. This yearning hurts but it also inspires us to get creative to do something in memory of our children."

What have I done in memory of Preston?  For starters, I was so thankful that we were able to bring our baby boy home, when he was born early, and so small.  As got bigger and started wearing newborn sized onesies and other little outfits, I donated the preemie clothes to the Sky Ridge Medical Center NICU.  That's where he was born.  That's where they took care of him, and me.  I was thankful. I still am.  And while part of me wishes I still had some of those onesies to look at, to hug and kiss, I'm still happy with the decision I made to give them away.  Other families need them.  Other babies will have preemies, and having a little piece of Preston being out there to help them, brings a smile to my face.

I created this blog to honor my little boy.  I didn't anticipate it being a blog where I write a post almost every day.  I wanted to write something that would help others.  Something that would show other grieving parents that there is room for optimism, smiles and happiness.  That even when you are in a better place, anger, guilt, sadness is totally okay for you to feel.  Grief is a roller coaster.  I think that with the support of a grieving community, the free falls that we feel from this roller coaster can be made to be less steep.  That community - blogs, forums, support groups, loved ones.

The goal of my blog is not only to share my journey, but to share what happiness Preston brought to my life, and still manages to bring to my life.  It was strange - during our vacation - I didn't really see any clear sign from Preston.  No rainbows or bunnies.  On the plane ride home though, the clouds were bright pink.  Not that this was a color that I associate with Preston, but the beauty that radiated from those clouds as we flew through them... I don't know I just felt peaceful.  I felt hope - that really, I'd see him again. 

I also have Preston's Garden, a garden his dad built for me, a garden where I grew herbs and vegetables.  A garden I would have liked to plant and care for with Preston.  A garden that could have fed him yumminess.  Instead, Preston's Garden taught me that there is hope.  I was able to grow vegetables when I'm usually really bad at manual labor type tasks.  Preston's Garden has taught me nurturing because it takes a lot of care to grow a garden, and it's great to be able to enjoy the own fruit of your labor. :)

Lastly, I'm hoping that #SpreadHappinessForPreston is a successful event which makes it so that November 19th of every year, is one of the happiest days every year.  I hope that many participate.  I hope, that somehow, someway, my little boy can make a difference.  I had cards made (pictured above) to hand out as happiness is spread on 11/19.  If you would be interested in my sending you some, please email me: tsunaze1@gmail.com and let me know how many you would like.  I encourage you to request 5, to share with families and/or friends and try and really make November 19th, a special day.  Not only for Preston, or for me, but for the world.