Positively February: Day 18

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."  - Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou.  For the past couple years, I've seen some of her quotes being shared on Facebook.  Lovely quotes too.  Meaningful.  Things that make you smile.  Think.  What a beautiful soul this woman seems to have had.  It inspired me to use one of her quotes today.  There were so many to choose from:

"Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud"

"If you only have one smile in you give it to the people you love"

"It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive.  Forgive everybody."

However, the one I chose is the one that spoke to me the most.  I think she was right in what she said.  You don't forget how people make you feel.  Good or bad.  I remember the people who hurt me most.  I remember the people who made me happiest.  When it comes to memory, mine is not great for details.  I often have a hard time recalling what I ate for dinner the previous night.  However, I easily am able to recollect how it made me feel to have teenagers write ridiculous things on my locker in high school.  It felt awful.  The cruel nicknames, and for what reason? I was a quiet girl who minded her own business.  At the same time, I remember extraordinary details about some of the times someone made me incredibly happy.  I remember my wedding day almost better than any other day in my life.  I remember one night, rocking Preston for hours.  Listening to my iPod and signing him all the songs I knew the lyrics to.  I remember how tiny he was.

I remember it like it was yesterday.  And that right there, also makes me feel the deep pain of his absence.  It wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't love him so dearly.  I suppose that is the price of love - profound and endless grief.

I hope this doesn't make it sound like I'm always sad.  I am not.  Remembering Preston most often brings a smile to my face.  He was and is and always will be a symbol of happiness for me.  But yes, I do feel the sadness too.  Sometimes the sorrow feels bottomless.  At times it is more subtle, like the shadow that follows me everywhere without my noticing it.

The important thing is, our memories are completely linked to our emotions.  Conversations and actions will fade.  Feelings do not.  Tread lightly when you think about saying something that might be hurtful.  "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".  Pranks can be funny, but taking them too far can break someone.

Taking it to the opposite spectrum, reaching out your hand to help out someone in need could change their day, their life.  Just imagine how that would feel!  Offering comforting words during a difficult time... from experience, I can tell you it can change everything.  I remember and will always remember the people who have supported me, and who keep on supporting me.  They have a treasured place in my heart.  They have been my saving grace. <3

Emotions gone wild

I mentioned yesterday that signs from Preston were few and far between during my vacation.  The picture above was taken on the drive home from Vegas somewhere in Utah.  The P in the mountain made me smile.  Now it doesn't stand for Preston, and I forget the name of the town it honors, but I could have easily missed it.  I did not, and the mere fact that it made me smile, and tear up, was special to me.

I'm not one to like showing my emotions in public.  I suppose, that is probably the case for most people.  There was a time in my life, when I was younger, more naive and still learning what life was all about, when I couldn't control my emotions.  Nothing I could do, would control any tears, or laughter.  It bugged me that I could cry so easily, for what I felt were stupid reasons.  With time and maturity, I think I've gotten much better at keeping it together.  Maybe it's thanks for having learned to deal with certain situations.  Or maybe it's due to that professionalism standard while at work.  Sometimes, it's probably helped by the fact that I always have something to do.

Since the beginning of the week though, my emotions are so close to the surface I can feel them overflowing.  I was on the train home last night and I was writing down thoughts as they came, because I've been frustrated lately by having great ideas for my blog, and then poof, it's gone.  So many thoughts were bringing tears to my eyes.  I didn't want to control them, didn't try to control them, but they were there without a moments warning.  The thoughts weren't all Preston related, but I suppose most were.  This sentence kept coming back to me "memories fade" and that's a scary notion.  I've reread some of my blog entries lately, and for the life of me, couldn't remember writing them.  I'm glad I did though, because it helps preserve those memories that are slowly starting to fade.

For that reason, if you are finding that you have memories that are starting to fade, I encourage you to write them down.  Even if it is just a few words that might trigger that memory.  For example, my brother the other day, talked about some of his favorite memories, and one of them was when we slept over at my Grandmere's house.  We'd sleep in the living room, in sleeping bags, or on these uncomfortable orange cots, and when we could, we'd sneak her dog into the room.  I don't remember much about my Grandmere.  She passed away 25 years ago, and I don't know about you, but my memories of being 8 are few and far between.  But seeing those words my brother wrote about these times we spent at her house, triggered all sorts of other memories.  I can now map out her apartment.  I remember hearing the city bus passing by at night as we tried to sleep.  I remember that her living room had a weird accordion type door.  She had a green couch, and always had hard candies in a bowl.

Preston's birthday is now palpable.  Tomorrow.  Only a day away.  My emotions are all over the place.  All the things I wanted to do, had we been so lucky.  All the things I thought about doing, but don't have the strength to do.  Get some blue balloons to release into the sky.  Bake a cake in the teddy bear shaped cake pan.  Send a present to a one year old little boy somewhere who shares his birthday.  Maybe next year.  Maybe not.  I think I just need to "feel" out this year, see how it goes.  In the meantime, I fear that my feelings will be all over the board for a little while.  Maybe it will be better in a few days.  Perhaps not.  One day at a time. One moment at a time while I continue the wild ride that is this nonstop roller-coaster.