Of renewal and forgiveness

The scent of lilacs tickled my nose yesterday as I walked outside.  Is there anything that smells more of Spring than lilacs?  Perhaps the heightened scents of nature after rainfall?

Spring is most definitely here.  Last weekend was filled with rain, and suddenly everything is green.  Everything feels alive.  All week long, I'd been planning this past weekend.  I was going to till the garden and plant my vegetable seeds.  Saturday afternoon, it looked like it might rain and I pushed this task to Sunday.  After lunch, both Brett and I felt tired, and we took a nap.  When I woke up, it was windy and overcast and rainfall seemed to loom in the air.  There's been no rain, yet my garden hasn't been seeded.

I can be such a procrastinator.  I don't like this about myself.  The weekends are so short though, and I always seem to plan too much for myself, which makes me feel overwhelmed, and then I end up doing maybe one thing on my "list", when I could have easily done three or four.  Anyone else that this problem??

I think what I need to do, is just make a list of everything I want to do, and as time permits, complete them.  Some of them I might be able to complete on a weekday, why do I have to wait until the weekend?  Perhaps I'll till the soil on Tuesday and then seed the garden on Wednesday.  Nothing wrong with that!

What frustrates me about my procrastination this weekend though is that this is something I was excited to do.  Like really excited.  This is Preston's Garden.  A place where I can connect with him, talk to him, make time for him... and I didn't do it.  I've felt so tired all weekend, and I let it get in the way of what I wanted to do.

Spring is a time for renewal.  Perhaps Spring is also a time for forgiveness... a time to forgive myself for my shortcomings and a time to make things happen.  Time for change and action.  All week long, I've seen bunnies around my house.  On my neighbor's yard, or my own.  Across the street on the sidewalk as I leave for work early in the morning.  And try as I may to catch the glimpse of a bunny elsewhere, I've failed.  It is bunny season, but so far, it seems to be bunny season, just around our home.  I believe, someone's trying to give me motivation to make things happen...

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 24: Forgiveness

I know this picture looks rather weird.  I tried to snap a shot of the sun the other day, and then I played with the HDR and other fun stuff Google allows you to do.. and it gave this.  Bright and colorful and I couldn't find anything better in my pictures that could depict forgiveness.

I'm not one to hold grudges.  I don't enjoy being in a bad mood.  I don't like being negative, or having more to worry about that life's already throwing at me.  For that reason, I've usually found it easier to just let go and forgive.  That feeling of forgiveness gives you inner peace too.  So if you ever think that you wronged me in some way, offended me, or made me sad, know that all is forgiven.  There's no place in my heart for bitterness, hatred or resentment.  And I'm really hard to offend.  I've had people throw stuff on my desk, and just smiled and said thank you, chucking it to a bad day.  Every one has them.  I try to live a life where I don't offend anyone.  I try to live a life where I'm kind to everyone, so, if I ever did anything to offend you, wrong you in some way or upset you, I sincerely request your forgiveness.  My intentions aren't bad, but I'm not always the best in social situations.

I guess right now, I still have one thing weighing on my heart.  I still need to learn to forgive God, for calling my little boy to him so early in his life.  I try hard every day to understand.  There's that saying, "everything happens for a reason".  I used to believe it, but I don't anymore.  There's absolutely no valuable lesson to be learned from losing my son.  Perhaps I'm giving back more than I ever did now, but I don't think losing my son was a fair price to pay.  Plus, there's no explanation for SIDS, so there's no reason there either.

It is difficult for me to forgive God for this.  Most days I do, and I ask for his forgiveness for my unwillingness to let this one thing go.  But really, can anyone blame me?  I'm sure He understands my pain.  He's lived through it.  He sacrificed His son.  I shouldn't draw a parallel because I didn't sacrifice my son's life to save humanity.  I don't think I would if given the choice.  I don't think anyone would though.  I just need to learn to accept that sometimes things are unexplained.  There isn't a reason behind it, it's unfair, but that's just the way it is.  It's very difficult to accept, it's very difficult to forgive life, God, and really my body for failing me.  Who knows, if I had carried to term, the risks of SIDS would have been greatly reduced.  Maybe Preston would still be.  But every day, I have to forgive myself, because there's nothing I can do to change the past.  Holding this against myself, the world and God, does me no good.  So today, I try to forgive that this happened to me.  And I will continue to try every day.