Positively February 2016: Day 2

"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible."  - Francis of Assisi

This one is so true.  While grieving, whether right at the beginning, or at any point during your journey where you feel the need to - just do what you have to do.  Eat, even if I know, you aren't hungry.  Sleep if you can.  I know it's tough.  I needed sleep aids for a while myself.

And what's necessary might be different from one person to another.  Some need to stay in bed for a while.  I on the other hand needed to dive into something productive like work.  So I worked a lot of hours and it kept me going.

Once you are in a better place, start doing a little more.  That might be cleaning the house, or doing the groceries.  It might be cooking or going on a vacation.  Take it slow.  If you need to go back to just the bear minimum, that's okay too.  There's nothing wrong with that at all.

And one day, you will realize that you are doing the impossible.  You survive.  I've often heard the counterproductive comment "I couldn't go on after a loss like that" in relation to losing my son.  You know what, I thought that exact same thing until I was in the situation where I didn't have a choice in the matter.  We do the impossible every day, and survive.  Life doesn't stop, even when time seems to.

Take it a step at a time, and one day, you will realize that you are Superwoman/Superman.

Positively February 2016: Day 1

I thought I'd try doing Positively February again this year.  Hopefully I'm able to keep up with it.  I will try my best, but as most know, as a mom, free time is not always easy to find... especially since I want to spend as much time as possible with Samantha before I go back to work in 5 and a half weeks.  How time flies...

"Grief never ends... but it changes.  It's a passage, not a place to stay.  Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith... It is the price of love." - Unknown

What I've come to learn in the last almost 2 years is that grief truly does never end.  I think of my son every day.  Some days, it makes me smile.  Other days, it's as painful to think about him as it was in the days after losing him.  Just today, we put Sami in one of Preston's old fleece pajamas.  The one with the penguins.  It was too much.  We had to take it off within 10 minutes of putting it on, even though she was fast asleep.  Triggers still exist that will send us into a tailspin even though we have so much joy in our lives again with our little girl.

I agree that grief isn't a place we should stay in.  While grief never ends, it's a journey.  Not a linear journey by all means, but a long winding journey filled with peaks and valleys.  I often have memory flashes of Preston while rocking Sami.  Or while playing with her as she learns to smile.  I love every minute with her, but it's certainly not always easy.  She's filled a huge part of the hole that exists in my heart, but she will never fully fill it.  Nor would I want her too.  I love Preston just as much as I love her.

That makes it so hard sometimes.  I want to be so happy, yet here comes a memory that just makes me want to fall apart.  And it's not her fault.  I hope that when I do shed a few tears, it doesn't cause her any anxiety.

I've never felt that grief was a sign of weakness.  Nor have I ever felt that keeping on going after Preston passed was a sign of strength.  It's purely survival.  You don't have a choice.  You keep going.  And faith?  Well, yes, my faith is still shaken but I continue to pray.  I continue to be mad at God and often ask for his forgiveness for being mad at Him.  But I believe He understands.  He lost his son too after all.

Grief certainly is the price of love.  I wouldn't trade having had Preston in my life for anything in the world.  It was worth every second.  The pain I still feel today, was worth it.  Don't be afraid to love because you might lose.

I don't know how positive this post has been, so let me end it this way.  Grief is a non-linear journey.  Don't get discouraged if you feel that you are taking a step back.  Or taking 3 steps back for every one that you take.  It's ok to feel weak.  Basically, anything you are feeling is ok.  You need to feel what you need to feel.  I would however urge anyone who feels overly depressed to talk to someone.  Let it out.  What you are thinking and feeling, share it.  Share the love you felt.  In time, you will see that your grief takes different shapes.  I hope one of those shapes, even if not all the time, takes the shape of positivity. <3

Positively February: Day 11

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good." - Unknown

Over the past month or so, I've saved dozens of positive quotes, but this morning, none of them felt right.  While on the train, I browsed more quotes.  Quotes about healing, about life, about grief, about moving forward.  It wasn't until I stumbled upon this one, that I just knew it was the right one.

I've mentioned it before, I strongly believe that all bereaved parents are survivors, whether they see it or not.  Whether they feel it.  After all, there's a name for everything else - if you lose your spouse, you are a widow or widower.  If you lose your parents you are an orphan.  There is no word for parents who lose their child.  And so, I present to you - survivor.  That's what we are.

I am still standing.

The rough days happen.  Sometimes you expect them because of whatever day it is.  I'm not particularly looking forward to Friday the 13th.  I am not really superstitious, but I don't like the 13th anymore.  My son died on March 13th.  And this year, it's on a Friday.  And the month before getting to that dreadful date, also a Friday.  It's like the universe is rubbing salt into my still very fresh wounds.  Regardless, the tough days occur.  Whether because of "special" date.  Or because it snowed, or didn't snow.  Or perhaps because you saw something that triggered a memory, good or bad.

I am still standing.

I suffered a lot through all the flare ups caused by Crohn's.  Because of the bowel obstructions.  Due to operations and the recovery it entails.  Through the thousands of needle pricks, which I will continue to receive for the rest of my life.  As much as I wish it wouldn't happen again, a chronic illness is just that, chronic.  The odds of it returning, are high.  Bring it!

I am still standing.

My son passed away.  My sweet, sweet little boy of 16 weeks.  Prior to that, I miscarried.  That I know of, I know for sure once, though I suspect it is more.  A few days away will mark the 3 year mark of the loss of baby H.  I should have a child of 2 and a half and of 14 months.  Instead, I have angels in Heaven.

I am still standing.

I survive.  It's not by choice.  It's by necessity.  It's not to be brave and courageous.  It's to honor the precious life that we do have.  It's to honor the life that our babies whose lives were cut way too short.  It's not to save face, because really after what we, bereaved parents, have gone through, saving face is the last thing on our mind.  It's about finding a new purpose and thriving off of that in order to find new meaning to our lives.

We are still standing.  A community of survivors.  Hand in hand, we continue to walk this journey together.  With all that we've already survived, even if it is difficult to believe, we will continue to withstand the pain and the adversities life has in store for us.  I pray that none include the loss of more babies.  I pray with all my heart.

When the going gets tough, take a deep, deep breath.  And remember your track record for surviving.  It is 100%.

Blindsided

I watched the Survivor finale tonight.  As per usual, this season, this finale had blindsides, where unsuspecting contestants get voted out when they felt totally safe.  Being blindsided sucks.  But Survivor is ultimately a game, and so it doesn't seem so dramatic in the grand scheme of things.

I was blindsided this afternoon.  I was searching my work email for some information, which I found.  The email was dated March 13th, at about 11:50am.  My colleague was telling a vendor that I had returned from maternity leave and would take over the task at hand.  I was oblivious that in just a few hours, my son would be gone.  I'd had an unpleasant conversation with the nanny that way.  Preston had spit up, bad.  I was worried because I'd explained to her how to burp him to reduce the occurrences, and it seemed that she wasn't doing it since she said "before I knew it, he drank the whole thing before I could burp him".  No, not my son.  He didn't drink fast like that.  She wasn't paying attention.  I was upset by it, but what could I do really.  I figured, I'd talk to her when I picked him up on my way home to work.  Back into my work I dove, until my cell phone rang a few hours later with the worst news of my life.  I'll stop here.

That email this afternoon, it just brought everything to the forefront.  Blindsided when I least expected it.  The reminders of Preston are everywhere.  The Enfamil box that's pictured above is in my pantry.  I was going to switch Preston from Newborn to Infant, the following week.  I'm just the formula is now expired.  I'll never use it.  But I don't want to throw it out.  It doesn't blindside me, because I know it's there.  Much like all the rest of his things that are scattered around the house.  

Being blindsided takes the wind out of you.  I don't know if it's the same in the context of a game, but in the real world, it just knocks you off balance.  I was emotional all evening.  I felt for Jaclyn on Survivor, who suffers from MRKH, unable to have children of her own, yet wanting them so badly.  I cried for the hurt she must feel.  For the shame and guilt and resentment she feels toward her body for failing her when she did nothing to prompt it.  It hits close to home.  I don't know the pain of infertility, but I know the agony of loss all too well, and I can imagine that the feelings are similar.

Life undoubtedly will sucker punch me again in the future.  If I've learned anything though, it's just to turn the other cheek and say bring it on.  The clock keeps on ticking whether you watch it or not.  Life doesn't wait for you.  You just have to keep adjusting, adapting and try to keep up.

Have you ever been blindsided?  What did you do to power through?

Survival

Reading the title of my entry tonight, you might think that I'm going to talk about surviving the loss of my son, Preston.  And while, I am doing just that, surviving, my blog tonight is about the show "Survivor".  My husband often comments on his aversion to this show.  I, on the other hand, have been enjoying it for, well... too many years!

He's asked me several times, what's the appeal to this show?  You see he doesn't like the intensity created by the use of the music.  He doesn't like the excessive drama.  I appreciate the show for several reasons.  While the premise of the show is to win a million dollars which is very appealing, I admire the contestants for finding a way to put their life on hold and throw themselves into the unexpected.  It takes guts you know?  You'll be batting the elements.  You'll be without all the comforts of every day life.  You'll be without your loved ones.  You'll be without a steady source of food.  You'll be without a decent shelter.  You'll really have to learn how to survive out on your own, with the help of few.

I've never really considered going on the show.  Having Crohn's, I'd just be so uncomfortable without a bathroom nearby.  I don't know how my body would react to new foods, little food, no food.  I don't think I could do that to myself.  Plus, I hate bugs, and I'm sure they'd be everywhere.  So, I admire the contestants for being able to deal with the bugs, and lack of bathrooms too. 

I also enjoy the challenges that are created by the Survivor team.  The different challenges they are able to create every season, is just so fun.  Some are tough puzzles, others are endurance challenges.  Some require accuracy, while others require good planning.  There's something for everyone really.  Then, there's the different twists... hidden immunity idols, exile island, redemption island, tribe merge.  Always something to keep everyone on their toes.  This season is "Blood vs Water" where loved ones are pitted against each other.  The first challenge was pretty emotional.  It was a "reward" challenge where the winning team received flint for making fire.  Well, this one guy volunteered to compete and turns out, he had to compete against his wife.  If he lost, he let his team down.  If he lost, he put his wife at a disadvantage as she would get sent to "Exile Island" where she would spend a few days away from her tribe - not getting to mingle with everyone on those precious first days.  After he won, you could see the pain and emotion in his eyes.  It's interesting how just a few hours into this adventure into the unknown how your emotions just come out.  Good for him for being able to be so genuine.

The game also has a social aspect and it's interesting to see the different approaches that are used.  Some players are super deceitful, yet play the game so well, that in the end, their peers vote them to win the million.  Some players are super friendly, but somehow fly under the radar and also pull out the win.  And sometimes, some players play so deceptively that the players that fly under the radar of their shadow, manage to get more votes.  Some people are very likable, and charismatic.  Others you just want voted out.  There's usually at least one person you can kind of relate to, or feel is playing the way you would want to.  Someone to cheer for.

It's been interesting to see some of the recent contestants...saying that they have been fans of the show forever and have watched it since they were 5 or 6 and now they are contestants in their early 20s.  Time flies right??

Has the show taught me anything?  Perhaps it's taught me some perseverance.  Don't give up, if you really want something.  Life will throw obstacles your way.  You will have to overcome many obstacles.  Sometimes you will fail.  Sometimes you will reap in the rewards of your hard work.  You will have to make hard decisions.  Could it be that "Survivor" is a metaphor for life?  If only a million dollars a true reward for surviving life.  Whether it's the reward or not though, don't give up.  Ever.  Stumble and fall, that's okay.  But don't give up.  You never know what little angel you might make smile as long as you try. :)