This and that...

Where does the time go.  Every time I want to sit down and write, something comes up or it's time for bed!  Tonight, while every inch of me wants to just sit and watch General Hospital where interesting things are happening (yay November sweeps!), I am taking the time to write.  For myself, for Preston, and for anyone who might get something out of this.

The Nursery

Samantha's room has been coming along nicely.  The wall painting is complete and I love the way the light lilac color looks next to the baby blue wall.  I'm even more excited that hubby ended up liking the lighter lilac color like I did... mostly because of it's name -- Guardian Angel.  Doesn't that seem so appropriate?  We moved the crib from the left side of the room to the right side of the room just to give it a different feel.  I'm starting to look forward to spending a lot of time in there.  The door to her and Preston's room has been open for weeks now, and it feels nice.  It feels like a happy room again.

The one disappointment has been that the decal stars and moon aren't sticking to the wall very well.  We even tried to get them to adhere to the wall better using a hot iron.  Time to get some spray adhesive me thinks...

Approaching 34-35 weeks

We believe Preston was born at about 35 weeks, if not 34 weeks, despite what the doctors say.  I will be 34 weeks along with Samantha tomorrow.  That realization has been weighing on my mind for the past couple weeks.  I try to remain calm as everything seems to be going well, however it's still scary.  The sight of possible swelling freaks me out.  Hearing someone tell me that there was "no way" I was making it all the way to December 24th, sent me for a tailspin.  What not to say to a grieving mama, to a mama who had preeclampsia and who had a baby too early?  That.  That is a great example of what not to say.

I have an appointment with my OB this Friday, so I hope that will help calm my nerves.  I'm not panicking or anything, but it's constantly at the back of my mind.  I try to remain positive.  Really, I just want things to be okay and normal.  For once.

Preston's birthday and #SpreadHappinessForPreston

I can't believe my baby would be 2 years old in just about a week.  I feel like I haven't pushed #SpreadHappinessForPreston enough this year.  Last year, I wrote to the Ellen show.  Last year, I physically mailed a letter to everyone that lives on my street, it's tributary streets and the street across from the greenbelt behind our house.  I didn't do it this year, even though I had the intention to.

I thought of writing to the local newspaper to share my story, Preston's story, his smile and his message.  

In my heart, I've hoped that #SpreadHappinessForPreston becomes bigger every year.  I don't know that it will be and I only have myself to blame.  I hope mama didn't disappoint you baby boy.

Signs

Signs from Preston aren't as frequent as they once were.  I see the occasional bunny.  Rainbows are rare.  I was on the train last week.  Upset due to the fact that someone thought I wouldn't make it to Christmas Eve.  I've gained about 20-25 lbs.  I'm not huge by any means, so I'm not sure why this was said to me (not that I have any qualms about my weight or anything).

Well I turned on Pandora and accidentally hit the "Shuffle" bar and there it was... Iris.  I just about cried... and I did feel better and smiled

I tell you, signs exist.

Halloween

For the second year in a row, I didn't quite know what to expect with this holiday.  I'd been looking forward to it so much last year, wanting to see my little boy as a cute lion.  I expected a lot more children to stop by on Halloween since it was a weekend day.  Maybe a total of 45 kids stopped by, most of them in droves of about 10.  I feel like I hardly had a chance to see their costumes.  My favorite?  I can't even remember.

Brett and I thought of Preston that evening.  We wondered what costume we might have put him in this year.  I think we landed on a bear cub.  Seems fitting given that was the theme of his nursery was teddy bears.

I was able to capture a beautiful sunset before the children started ringing the doorbell.  Golden clouds above barren trees.  The calm and cool air felt peaceful and made me feel close to my son.

The zoo

The weekend before Halloween, we went to the zoo with our close friends and their two children.  It's something I'd wanted to do with Preston at some point, especially knowing his love for big cats.  He seemed so enthralled as he watched them on TV in the morning with his dad.

It was packed at the zoo.  I guess it was a special day where you could bring your child in costume and they could trick or treat in the zoo.  Cool concept.  I enjoyed watching our friends' two year old marvel at some of the animals.  And while I struggled seeing some of the animals I think would have interested Preston, I feel like he followed us there and spent the way with us.  On the way home, we stopped at BabiesRUs and bought a bunch of clothes for Samantha, as well as decorations for her room.  It was a nice family day.

On a side note, if you haven't gotten a chance to go to the Denver Zoo lately, I strongly recommend going while the Lego exhibits are still scattered around the zoo.  They are stunning sculptures.  I believe this is a travelling exhibit, so if you aren't in Denver, hopefully it comes to a zoo near you! ;)

That's about all that's going on with me.  I hope that everyone who reads this is well.  Sending you lots of love, courage, and smiles.  Until next time <3

All that I wanted

Last week, I had a conversation regarding what my hopes and dreams were for Preston.  While this may sound depressing, it was rather therapeutic because it's not a subject I get to talk about much.  It's not something people ask every day, or something someone would even think to ask because it would probably come off as insensitive.. which I can totally understand too.

It was a difficult topic to discuss, but at the same time, it felt so nice to talk about my son, even if it was about things he'd never do.  It's not like those thoughts go away.  In about a month, a whole year and a half will have passed since the last time I held him and every day, I continue to wonder, what he'd be like, what he'd be doing, how would he compare to other kids his age.

I spent years imagining what it would be like to have a child; what my expectations were as a parent, and what I'd do in certain situations.  While it was next to impossible for us to have a child for several years due to my health, these thoughts, these hopes for the future, I think they kept us going.  They gave me a reason to take control of what I could, in regards to my health.  I think that was one of the toughest realizations for me when Preston was gone.  Not only that he wasn't with us anymore, and that all my recent dreams for him had vanished into thin air, but all the hopes I'd built in my head, in my heart for years, simply were smashed to pieces.

And so, if you don't find this too depressing of a subject, I invite you to read on about the hopes and dreams I had in regards to Preston.  Feel free to share any aspirations, thoughts and dreams that you had for your child.  Or for yourself, that aren't possible because of unforeseen obstacles thrown in your path throughout your life.  Or for a loved one, gone too soon.


Before Preston was born, in early November 2013, we were shopping at BabiesRUs, I forget what for - baby monitor maybe?  Picking up his crib?  Halloween costumes were being liquidated, given that the holiday had just passed.  We looked through them, and landed on a 9 month old lion costume.  It was so precious and we decided to buy it.  His original due date was December 15, a 9 month old costume made perfect sense.  When he was born a good 5 weeks early, at 4 lbs 5 oz, I always wondered if he would fit into it by Halloween.  I figured, it probably would be a little loose, but oh well.  I couldn't wait to see him in it.  To this day, I still find myself trying to see his little face in that lion costume.

Every day, I would talk to Preston about what was going on around him.  What people were doing outside, what his dad was doing, what everything around him was.  So many times, we watched children sliding down the greenbelt behind our house.  It looked like so much fun, and I told Preston, that we'd be doing that next year.  I so looked forward to it.  I thought we'd make snow angels, and snowmen.  One day, I knew his dad would show him how to snowboard, and I'd be a nervous wreck.

During my pregnancy, we ha wandered to the park on the 4th of July.  There were a bunch of festivities.  Food trucks, barbecue, carnival games, and music.  For the next weeks, I anticipated bringing Preston for years to come, possibly along with our friends and their son, who was born 5 months before Preston.  Odd as it may seem for a Canadian, the fourth of July remains one of the toughest holidays for me to get through since losing Preston.  I strongly suspect, this dream, has a lot to do with it.

I'd hoped to teach him French in a few years.  Teaching him at a young age, I hoped he'd have a proficiency for it, like his mama (not like his dad who can hardly say "Hola" after 6 years of Spanish class).  I imagined he would have been great at math - after all, his dad is a human calculator, and I was never too shabby at math... there's a reason I'm in accounting right??

I imagined trying to help him through his first heartbreak.  Cuddling him, and trying to find a way to explain love to him.  I imagined him getting married to a nice girl.  She would have been lucky to have him as a husband.

I wondered if he'd have been an architect, or a doctor?  Or more likely, an analyst of some kind, in finance perhaps, like his parents.  Whatever his dream, I would have encouraged him and done whatever I can to help him achieve it, but in a way where he would have all the credit of his own merit.

I imagined him playing baseball with his dad.  Would he have thrown fastballs, or hit home runs, or both?

I envisioned him starting to talk at a ridiculously young age.  It sounds unreasonable, but I really thought he'd start saying words at 8 or 9 months. Maybe earlier.  From the moment he was born, he always had something to say, even if I couldn't understand it.  Maybe he knew the meaning of life :).  He was my little genius after all.

I always dreamed he'd be a wonderful big brother.  Teaching his younger sibling(s), and perhaps getting them into trouble too.  I  imagined him protecting a little sister...  I never imagined it would be from up above, as a guardian angel.  Now I'm not certain he's going to have a little sister, we'll know in a couple days though.  But I do know, this younger sibling, truly does have a guardian angel.  And I know this, because every time I have a serious worry (not that it's founded on anything but emotions), I know Preston sends me a sign to calm my nerves.  I rather have him with me, but, I couldn't ask for a better guardian angel.  I know he'll watch over his little brother or sister and that brings me a lot of peace.

There are so many dreams, that I can't even fathom listing them all.  I hope through them though, that you gotten to know Preston a little better.  For what he was, what he would have been, what I aspired him to be and really, for what he still is.  A bright star shining in the sky for his mama in times of need.

Big steps, little steps

It's been a while, I realize.  More than a month really since some consistent posts.  I hadn't planned to take a hiatus from my blog, but it happened.

What really happened you ask?

I was exhausted.  I felt unwell.  But you see, there were good reasons for it.  In the middle of April, I realized I was pregnant.  I realized it even before taking a pregnancy test that confirmed it.  Morning sickness, or as I experienced it, all day long sickness set in about a month later.  I'd be riding the train home, longing for my bed and it wasn't even 5:00pm.  The nausea took it's toll on me.  I tried to keep a good attitude about it, I feel like I hid it well at work, but when I got home, it just seemed harder to deal with because I didn't have the energy to "fake" it any longer.

Trouble is, the nausea, along with other pregnancy symptoms like hormones throwing my whole digestive system upside down, made for an interesting struggle in my mind.  These are symptoms that I've always associated with a Crohn's flare up.  And while, deep down, I knew it was the pregnancy, there was always that nagging thought at the back of my mind.

Now, at almost 15 weeks (tomorrow), the nausea has dissipated.  Not disappeared but certainly decreased significantly.

I'd started logging how I was feeling every week,  starting at week 4, and then my computer crashed when I was about 7 weeks along.  I lost everything I hadn't saved to my trusty USB drive, which thankfully wasn't a lot, but this file was one of them.  Perhaps I can try to summarize my thoughts and feelings below by grouping up weeks.

Week 4-5

I had minimal symptoms.  Some soreness, some stretching feelings in the abdomen and my digestive system started to go crazy.  Mentally, I struggled believing that I was pregnant.  I struggled with how I'd feel about having another baby, about how the pregnancy would be and how the first year would be.  I hung on to this simple notion.  My baby's due date is December 24, 2015.  Christmas Eve.  As you know, my faith was really shaken when we lost Preston.  Quite honestly, it still and probably will be for a while.  However, having Christmas Eve as a due date... it brings me hope that everything will be alright.  After all, that's the night Jesus was born, or the night before he was born.  I felt like this was just a sign that things would work out.  These couple weeks, I was overly emotional, and missing Preston was more intense than it had been in months.

Week 6-13

The nausea set in and didn't go away very much.  I'd drink a ginger ale every morning and that kept my nausea at bay, for the most part.  Can I say how I don't want any ginger ale anytime soon?  When the nausea set in, it would stay with me for a couple hours, then go away for an hour or so, if I was lucky, and then it would return.  So on, and so forth, day after day.  The fatigue made it so I could hardly stay up after 8:00, and I'm a night owl.  The pregnancy started feeling more real, and every time I started to worry something might be wrong, Preston would send me a sign to let me know, that things really were ok.  A rainbow, a bunny, a song I hadn't heard in a long time that reminded me of him.  And may I say, despite all the rain we've gotten this year, there have been close to no rainbows, especially compared to last year.  And the bunnies?  Much fewer of them than last year.

Week 14

On this last day of week 14, I'm happy to say that the nausea is less intense and less present.  The week has presented some challenges.  I'm not sure what triggered me to worry on Monday morning's train ride into work... Maybe the wonder of if I should have had a couple bites of ice cream?  Of if there might have been something I ate that could have harmed the baby?  I prayed for signs that I was just freaking out for nothing.  I got one instantly (though I'm sad to say I don't remember what it was - not a bunny, I know that much).  I felt like it was just a coincidence and asked for more signs.  I saw 2 bunnies during my train ride, which could have been really easy to miss since the train doesn't exactly go slow.  And I heard Iris which I hadn't had the privilege of listening to in a long time.  I have no choice but to believe that Preston's little sister or brother, has a guardian angel.

Looking to the future

I look forward to feeling the fluttering.  It'll be a good way to feel like things are going well. It'll ease my worries, when they happen.  We hope that next week, we find out whether Preston will have a little sister or brother.  If baby is not co-operative, we'll have to wait until late July.  I don't feel that patient right now, lol.  I'm looking into slowly figuring things out.  We'll have big decisions to make in the fall, most of them regarding the nursery, and Preston's things.  I don't look forward to that, so in the meantime, little steps.

There are so many things to talk about.  And I wish I could write it all down now, but after my Remicade treatment this afternoon, I'm exhausted.  Not baby's fault this time.  I hope to write again soon.  It may be a little while because I really need to finish the quilt square.  I got an extension, but I really need to get it done.  I've made progress, but this border I decided to do.. it's taking forever.  It'll look great once finished, but it's really taking a lot longer than I'd hoped.

Until next time my friends.
Much love.  Miss you guys.  Miss writing.  Miss spreading Preston's smile.

Forget me not

A snow storm is brewing. Or so they say.  I believed it as I was driving home and large grey clouds filled the sky above me.  Raindrops even made an appearance.  As I sit in my living room typing, I can see the brightness of the sun shine through the window shades.  It's almost blinding.

The news and weather channels still show snow in the forecast.  I thought it was supposed to start this evening, and turn to snow during the night, but it seems that rain will turn to snow tomorrow afternoon.  Two to five inches is the prediction.

The anticipated accumulation of snow urged me to take a look at the garden in the front of the house.  Perhaps the tulips and mystery flowers (which my aunt speculates may just be a different type of tulip) had grown flowers.  They had not.  However, there was one tiny, lonely and bright purple flower.  Forget-me-not.  I guess the seeds I planted late last Fall are actually growing.  I smiled.  I'm so happy I went to look at the garden... or I might have missed this precious little flower.  This little flower that most likely will be gone by the time I get home from work tomorrow.

For years, I was not a huge fan of snow storms.  I don't like the cold.  I don't like scraping ice and snow off my car.  Things change.  Preston passed on what felt like a Spring day but it was the end of Winter.  The snow that fell last Spring brought me solace.  The storms filled me with a sense of calmness.  The unexpected blizzard on Mother's Day felt like a clear sign from my son and gave me a new appreciation for snow and for Spring weather.

This bright little flower being present today, when it wasn't yesterday, is a brand new sign.  A sign from my little boy, sending me a little hello.  A message from my son saying:

Mama, forget me not.  I may not send signs very often anymore but I'm here.  I'm around always.  When you have doubts about the signs I send, and when you wholeheartedly believe in them.  I live in your heart through pure and true love.  I reside in your mind through wonderful memories.

Mama, forget me not.  Your life goes on without me in your arms and it's probably still hard to fathom.  Your life gets busy, I know.  Despite all that, I hope that you think of me every day - no matter whether it's raining, snowing or whether the sun is shining.

Mama, forget me not.  The season for snow is fading away slowly, but bunnies and rainbows are just around the corner.  I promise to send as many as I can.

Mama, forget me not.  I didn't want to leave the way I did.  I've got perfect angel wings now, and I promise to try and help you spread more happiness in the world.   

Fear not my love, my sweet P.  Mama could never forget you.  Not even for a minute <3

There's always a rainbow around the corner

On my way home from work today, the train conductor announced that we were going to have to de-board at the next station due to some mechanical issue.  Usually this type of issue frustrates me.. trains are supposed to be reliable but it happens so often that they aren't.  I didn't feel frustrated today, though I felt bad for hubby who was picking me up from the park-n-ride.  It meant he'd have to sit there and wait.  Unpredictability.  It always shows up sometime doesn't it.

As I stepped off the train, I suddenly realized that I was listening to Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls.  How had this song been on for about a minute without my even noticing?  Well, no wonder I didn't mind that the train had problems causing me to be late.  This all happened right after I saw a rainbow of sorts on a girl's backpack who was waiting for the train on the opposite side of the platform.  The station we'd just left when the service announcement was made about stepping off the train.  On the backpack was what looked like key-chains.  The generic kind, a small oval plastic piece with a ring.  They didn't make up the colors of a traditional rainbow, but there were several colors, all one on top of the others.

These signs from my son today made it a great one.  Seeing that he sent me a unique rainbow, I think it's the perfect time to share the poem my aunt wrote about Preston.  Whenever I need to be comforted that even though there isn't a real rainbow in the sky for me to look at and think of Preston, rainbows exist everywhere around me.  I just have to be open to seeing them.  This poem always makes me smile, and thankful for living in such a beautiful world.  Thank you aunt Jocelyn. xxx

Preston’s Rainbow

by Jocelyn Cox

You see his face in the morning,

You feel his love every night

You long to touch him again

And to hold him very tight.

You remember his cute smile

The way he could made you laugh

His love of bright colours

And his sweet photographs.

Each day endured without him

Brings tears to your hearts

As you try to understand

Why you were torn apart.

His room stands silently by

 Bear pictures upon the wall

Each cub can tell a story

Of how he was loved by all.

He left you very quickly

He couldn't say goodbye

But in your hearts you hold him

And know he is safe on high.

Each morning the sun rises

Brilliant yellow in the sky,

As purple-blue martins

On the horizon wing by.

 Red roses in the garden grow

Nearby pink tulips bent

While lavender lilac bushes

Waft forth their heavenly scent.

The old marmalade cat

 Head held high in the air

 Quickly passes you by

 He doesn’t have a care.

In every perfect colour

Made to set your hearts aglow

Painted carefully by God

Are reflections of a Rainbow.

Preston’s love of colour

Around you all abounds

No matter where you look

Like rainbows they can be found.

His love is bountiful

He shows it in every hew

Open yourselves to it

And know he is with you.

He will always prove to you

On rainy days and sun alike,

That his love for you is endless

As his rainbow of love shines bright.

Preston's Molly Bear

I first read about Molly Bears sometime last year.  Molly Bears is a non-profit organization founded by a bereaved mom, Bridget Crews.  Bridget lost her daughter Molly Christine at 34 weeks of gestation.  Following her loss, a friend gave her a weighted, 3 lbs, teddy bear.  Bridget felt like she needed a bear that weighed the exact same as her daughter, and so she bought a shell and rice, and created the first ever Molly Bear.  It gave her something to fill her arms with and brought her much needed comfort.  Fast forward almost 5 years, over 5.5k bears have been created and donated to families, just like hers.  Just like mine.

I'd seen a couple ladies talk about how their baby's Molly Bear brought them comfort and it pushed me to order one.  You can order once a month around the 30th until the max number of orders have been filled.  I missed my shot several months in a row and almost did again, until I saw one of my angel mama friends, Dawna, say she'd just ordered hers.  I jumped on their webpage and did the same.

This morning, I opened the door to leave a little earlier than usual.  It had snowed, and I needed to brush snow off my car, and wanted a little extra time for my commute since it had been so slick the night before.  There was a huge box at the door.  Not knowing what it was, I lifted it just to bring it inside the house, and noticed the label - Molly Bears.  I didn't have time to open the box and had to just leave it there for later.

Preston's Molly Bear was on my mind all day.  How would I feel when I lifted the 11lbs 3oz bear for the first time?  For certain, I thought, I will break down.  With how unstable my emotions have been lately, I just knew it was going to be difficult, which hadn't even crossed my mind when I ordered it months ago.  Well I opened it about 30 minutes ago.  My initial thought was, it is heavy.  Was Preston this heavy?  I carried it around for a while, and sadly, I could not make a parallel between the bear's weight and Preston's weight.  Most likely it is because it's been almost a year since I last held Preston, and the bear is actually bigger than Preston was.  Disproportionate weight shift.

Nonetheless, I hugged it for several minutes and walked around the kitchen.  It didn't feel heavy anymore.  It felt right, even if it isn't Preston.  The card mentions "an angel baby's cuddle sent to a family in need".  It really did feel like the cuddle of an angel.  From my angel.  For it to arrive now... a weekish's time before Preston's angelversary?  For it to arrive the day after 3 emotional days?  A couple people said, "the timing is perfect" and "it's a clear sign from Preston".  And they are right.  It is perfect timing, and it is a sign from Preston.

It's easy to be skeptical about signs.  It's blind faith and a lot struggle with that notion.  I myself have days where I am skeptical about signs.  But I saw bunnies hopping around the neighbor's yard all weekend.  Ok, not all weekend, just a couple times, but still.  There have been hardly any bunnies all winter, and it hasn't been a really cold winter, or a snowy one.  Except for February and March, so far.  I'll take it though. Thank you for sending the bunnies, and for making Preston Bear arrive when he did.


I want to take the time to thank the Molly Bear organization.  Thank you so much.  Even if I had mixed emotions today, I'm so happy to have Preston Bear.  I'm so thankful that he will be here when I need a special hug.  Thank you to, Bridget for creating something so positive to help out so many bereaved families, many of which don't have all the memories I do.  Many of which never held their babies.  I will forever keep Molly Christine in my heart.  I want to also thank Elizabeth for creating Preston's bear for me.  This bear with a blue teddy bear on his belly, a pretty blue ribbon and a rainbow ribbon.  It's perfectly, and simply Preston.  Like Molly, your little Sweet Caroline holds a special place in my heart.

To the entire Molly Bear team, thank you so much for what you do.  I know many of you are bereaved parents yourselves, or siblings or close to others who have loved and lost.  I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.  I commend you for being part of such a positive organization that touch so many families in a way that no one really can.  Bravo to you.  Thank you, from the bottom of my less broken heart.

A watched water dispenser doesn't make bubbles

Our cats are funny creatures.  When we change the water in their bowl/dispenser, they sit next to it for hours because as the water first dispenses, air bubbles make it into the tiny water jug.  They try to get them by batting at it or grabbing it with their paws.  It's actually become a hobby of theirs to watch this water dispenser, even when we haven't just changed their water.  It bubbles so seldom, yet they continue to patiently wait for movement, like the small predators that they are, ready to pounce.  Don't they know that a watched water dispenser doesn't make bubbles?

I feel a little clever for finding a way to fit the popular saying to fit my situation - a watched pot doesn't boil.  What am I trying to say with all these metaphors?  Sitting by a window, staring at the sky won't make a rainbow appear.  In the middle of winter, I can't expect to see bunnies at every corner.  I can't spend my every waking moment looking for signs, yet I find myself doing just that.  I try not to, but it becomes difficult when the signs are few and far between.  I think after Christmas, I stopped looking for a little while.  Not because I didn't want any, but because I got busy at work, at home.  I kept really busy actually.  This does not mean Preston wasn't on my mind.  I think about him constantly, day and night.

And that's when all those signs appeared.  I wasn't looking for them, but I believe in them.  Much like when my cats aren't looking at their water dispenser, it will occasionally create an air bubble.  They could sit there all night and not get a bubble, and there it would be, 2 minutes later.  Or hours later.

In the grand scheme of things, I can't teach my cats patience, but I myself have grown to have a lot of patience.  With myself.  With others.  With my health.  With time.  Slowly, I hope to learn patience in between signs sent by Preston.  I don't know how Heaven works.  Maybe angels can only do some so often.  Maybe he's busy spreading happiness halfway around the world.  Maybe sending signs requires moving Heaven and Earth.  Whatever it may take, I will try to have more patience.  I will try not to expect signs every day.  I will attempt to not be too sad when I go days, weeks without one.  I'll never stop hoping for them though.  Keep sending them Preston :)

Thanks for sending bunnies to Jocelyn today.  She sent me nice pictures.  Always makes me smile when someone else thinks about you and tells me about it.  You live on my love, my sweet Preston.  You always will...

Petey the bunny

I received this bunny today around lunchtime from my co-worker, my friend Kay.  Kay has a big heart and has a really sweet soul.  I've known Kay for almost 6 years now, and she's always in a good mood.  She saw this bunny in a store and just had to buy it because it made her think of me.  Thank you Kay, you brought tears to my eyes today.

I've been struggling lately with the lessened amount of signs I'm seeing.  Am I looking for them less?  Maybe part of me knows seeing rainbows and bunnies in the winter will be extremely rare?  Is it possible that I'm just getting less signs because I don't need them as much?  These questions have been swirling around in my head for a couple months now.  I think it's probably a combination of it all.  It all saddens me though.  I don't want to look for less signs.  I don't want to need less signs.  I'd love to have signs every day.

I don't know how Heaven works, what angels can and can't do.  I can only speculate.  In my mind, a visit from an angel is something really special.  For it to be special, it can't be something that occurs every time you want it to.  For it to be meaningful, it has to be something you aren't expecting.  If you're lucky, sometimes you'll get a sign when you ask for it, but I think those may be reserved for times when you really need them.  I think they may be reserved to help you keep your faith, when it's at an incredibly low point.

I'm not better than I was 8 months ago.  I have adapted to this new, different life I'm living.  This acclimatization makes it easier to cope with the emptiness Preston left behind.  I'm able to function, and live to the best of my ability.  For these reasons, I may not need as many signs.  I wish it weren't true, but at the same time, I don't want to go back to a place where the pain is too hard to live with.  That pain resurfaces on occasion.  It always will find a way to sneak into my life.

In the meantime, this new little friend, has earned a stay on my desk at work.  For every day that I don't get a sign from Preston, I have a bunny to say hello to.  I'll have a subtle reminder of my son with me during my work week.  It will bring a smile to my face and remind me that Preston wants me to smile, and be happy.  I will comfort me, in knowing how much my friends care for me.

My friend Wanda asked me what I would name the bunny.  I didn't know what it would be until I started writing this post and Petey the bunny just flowed from my fingers.  I guess I had Petey on the mind.  A fellow angel mom lost her son Petey at 20 weeks of pregnancy on March 27th, 2014.  That was 8 months ago today.  Angel mama ChickinNH is now pregnant (yay!), and has reached the milestone in her pregnancy where she is the exact number of weeks and days into this new pregnancy than she was when she lost Petey.  Milestones are hard.  I keep thinking about tomorrow.  Thanksgiving.  Last year, Preston coming home was our Thanksgiving miracle.  This year, he's already gone when he should be waddling around as a one year old.  Not the way it was supposed to be for Preston.  Not the way it was supposed to be for Petey.

Perhaps it's silly, but I hope that Petey the bunny can somehow help memorialize the real Petey, ChickinNH's son.  All the while he makes me smile as a reminder of Preston, Petey the bunny will remind me of Petey.  Live on little angels.  In our hearts, and in everything around us.

Snowflakes gone astray

I had a subject all aligned for tonight's blog entry.  Actually, I had two.  It all changed when I stepped off the train on my way home from work.  I stepped off, took a few steps, and then was showered by snowflakes.  10 seconds later, they were all gone.  It's interesting because when it happened, I felt transported to a different place.  It was as quick as the blink of an eye, but for that brief moment, I felt surrounded by happiness and love.  Preston must have been there.  Those stranded snowflakes were his way of saying hello.

The train ride preceding this serendipitous event had been a nice one.  I heard several songs on Pandora which reminded of my son.  That hadn't happened in a while - several songs in a row that is.  What strikes me most is how often I hear Leona Lewis songs.  Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike her music or anything, but I don't have any of her songs on my iPod.  Yet, I hear "Happy", "Bleeding Love" and "Better in Time" all the time.  Is there a message there?  If you've read most of my blogs, you probably know that I don't throw the word happy around like I used to.  Since losing Preston though, that song has just reminded me of him every single time I heard it.  Of course, there are days where I just can't listen to it, but lately, it's gotten easier.

I heard two of these songs today.  It felt really nice because I felt like I was getting some a sign from my little boy.  They've been fewer and fewer.  It's a little scary to think about.  I don't want them to decrease or go away, but I don't really have a say in it.  Those songs today though, and the mysterious 10 seconds of snow falling on my nose.  It gave me hope, that perhaps those signs won't ever go away, as long as I'm open to seeing them.

I didn't get my wish of angel dust last night.  If I had dreams, I don't remember them.  I'm rather used to it.  However, I slept better than I had in a week.  Perhaps I did get a sprinkle of angel dust after all.  To my sweet Preston, thank you for the little visit, even if I could have easily missed it with the blink of an eye.  I hope you think of me as often as I think of you.

Clouds

Clouds have always fascinated me, much like the moon (that's another story).  They can take any shape and many colors depending on the placement of the sun, the temperature, the placement of the moon, humidity...  They float in the sky, weightlessly like feathers. 

The clouds "feel" different here in Colorado, at least it seems like it.  You be the judge based on just a few pictures.

This here is a picture taken from the balcony of my old apartment in Montreal.  Loved that place.  It was so peaceful, it was the perfect size and it was just mine.  I had a really great year living there.  A cloudy day wasn't rare in Montreal, from what I can remember.  There were many days like this one, many days of rain, many days of snow.  On snowy days, everything was so white and bright.  Can't say I miss shoveling snow off my car.  My car now sleeps in the garage, free from any snowfall.  I remember, many days, where I would lay in the grass, trying to find familiar shapes in the clouds.  A dog face, a dragon, a star.

The big difference with the clouds in Colorado, I find is that they seem so much closer... I guess we are living at 6000+ feet.  Must make a difference right?  It also feels like they move much faster.  I guess it's a perception thing, being so much closer to them than when you are down at sea level.  There are days where it really feels like you could just jump up and feel them, though that's usually right before a storm, or early in the morning if there's fog.  Usually when that happens though, I'm at the top of a hill, on the freeway, driving to the train station.  Not really a good place to try to jump up and touch the clouds.  Nonetheless, those mornings, nature is quite breathtaking.  I used to find it a little eerie, but the past several times I've seen it, it's made me feel peaceful and calm.

The sunsets and sunrises can also be rather breathtaking.  Either because of the clouds or because of the way the sun shines on the mountains or behind the mountains or even on the plains to the East.  I've been blessed to see several beautiful sunsets, some with a bit of mountain views, some dramatized by clouds.  I think those are the ones I enjoy the most.  It sounds silly, but I often think of Heaven being on top of the clouds.  I believed it as a child, and it's kind of stuck with me.  Realistically, I know Heaven isn't above the clouds; I've been above the clouds.  Who knows though, maybe Heaven is above the clouds in an alternate dimension... but how would we be able to stand on clouds?  When you imagine loved ones in Heaven, don't you think of them in their "Earth" body?  Ashes to ashes...  Are we simply spirits once we ascend to Heaven?  There are so many unanswered questions.  I dislike gray areas, and this is certainly one of them.  I don't want to learn a lesson from having lost my son.  I don't want "that" to be the "reason" he had to leave us.  But perhaps I need to start to be more open to ambiguity.  I don't like you ambiguity, but I will learn to deal with you more and more every day as it seems to be part of my world now, whether I like it or not.

There are many days where I look to the clouds for a sign.  Call me crazy, but bunnies, rainbows, feathers... they aren't enough.  I know I should feel extremely blessed that I am seeing so many signs, but let's face it, my arms ache for my sweet P.  My eyes constantly search for Preston's cherished smile.  My ears eternally listen for a gentle reminder of his cries or giggles.  Unfortunately some of these things I will only ever be able to see and hear through pictures and videos.  I have to be more open to subtle signs.  I've shared that I sometimes hear songs on Pandora, one after the other that are true reminders of Preston.  I've shared, how I immediately think of my son at the sign of bunnies, rainbows and feathers, for various reasons.  I think I even shared how Brett and I saw a cloud shaped bunny a couple weeks ago.  I have another cloud related sign I haven't shared.  I don't even know if I've shared it with anyone at this point.

It was several months ago, maybe right after I had started driving myself to the train to go to work.  I was on my way home and I was in tears, which was now a daily occurrence whenever I'd drive home.  It was really difficult.  I couldn't listen to music because every song reminded me of Preston, whether it was a love song, a sad song, a happy song.  I really struggled with the drive home because I used to be the one to pick up Preston from daycare after work.  Now I was simply heading home, with an empty car seat holder in the backseat of my car.  I had to drive by the dreaded hospital.  It really was difficult for a long time.  Quite honestly, there are days where it still happens. 

If I recall correctly, it was the same day that I'd gone to my doctor for a BP check up.  The same day I saw a lady wearing a maternity shirt I owed and wore with Preston, and the same day I saw one of the ladies that worked at his pediatrician's office.  I was upset, as stated above, and I thought, well these signs I've just seen, maybe they were just coincidences.  Signs don't really exist, is what I was feeling, which didn't exactly make me feel better.  So, I asked God, to send me another sign, just so I could know for sure that He was taking care of Preston.  That although my son was gone, I would get to see him again.  As I turned into my neighborhood, I saw a huge cloud with what looked exactly like Preston's two little legs and feet hanging below it - right in my backyard.  They were really big, and I knew they were his little wigglers.  There was no doubt.  I haven't been able to not believe in signs since then.  Alright, I have my moments of doubt, but that usually happens at low moments, and can you blame me?

I haven't seen anything like those two little legs and feet since then, not for lack of trying.  Perhaps such clear signs are reserved for terribly low moments.  Nonetheless, I won't stop looking at the clouds - for their beauty, for the wonderful chance of seeing a fun shape, for the eternal hope of seeing something so purely Preston.