Positively February: Day 27

"To get up when you are down, to fight more intensely when you are struggling; to put in the extra effort when you are in sheet pain, to comeback when nobody expects you to, and to stand tall when everyone is pulling you down are what make a champion." - Apoorve Dubey

So many quotes still unshared, many that I saved throughout the month of January in preparation for this event I named Positively February.  I guess there are some I opted not to use, because while inspirational, they didn't have enough positivity tied to them.  I found this quote today and I just had to share it.  I've never heard of Apoorve Dubey, but the Internet being the amazing tool that it is, enlightened me rather quickly.  Mr. Dubey is an entrepreneur and the author of an international bestseller "The Flight of Ambition".  Another book to add to my "to read" list.

A champion.  I tend to associate champions with sports.  Perhaps it comes from being from a city that reveres hockey like a religion.  The Stanley Cup Champions... I remember seeing the Canadiens hoist the cup in 1993.  It was marvelous.  The Olympics carve the path for new champions, or returning champions.  They are crowned with medals.

I've learned that champions shouldn't only be attributed to sports stars, phenoms of a discipline.  Champions exist all around you.  Hitting rock bottom and finding a way to rise again, no matter what that all-time low might be.  Trying when all the odds are stacked against you.  Not letting the pain stop you from living.  Doing what you have to do to keep going.  We are champions.  We are amazing individuals for enduring the pain that is the loss of a baby.

And we aren't champions on day 1.  Sometimes, we aren't champions every day.  Sometimes it takes years to achieve, other times it takes months.  There's no timeline.  Look to those days where you reign in all your willpower to do more than you've previously done.  Use those days where you triumph over the pain of your loss to motivate you and prove to yourself that you can and will survive.  Easy to do?  Not at all.  It's a struggle.  It's a tough, tough battle.  But you can do it.

I can't say I've felt people pulling me down while going through this journey of grief, but I know many women who've lost a baby who have had people tell them that they should move on.  People that wonder why they aren't over the loss "yet".  People who think that because the loss was early, that it doesn't really count.  These people are wrong.  All losses matter.  You start to love, yearn and parent a child as soon as you know you are pregnant.  No life is more important than another, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I don't often feel like a champion.  After all, I stumble through each day missing my son more and more as time flies on by.  I do have days where I feel stronger than others.  This month has been pretty incredible actually...which is what I needed heading into March.  I quite honestly don't want to turn over the calendar page.  Maybe in needs to be February just a while longer.  Or maybe I need to flip to April.  Unfortunately, whether I turn the page or not, March will be here on Sunday.  In 15 days, my son will have been gone a year... A year!  That sounds absurd.

With all that I am, I will channel my inner champion.  I will channel your inner champions to lift me up through this difficult month.  And once again, I remind myself.. I've lived through the impossible and I'm still standing.  I've got a good track record for getting through sad days - 100% actually.  I will survive. I can and I will.  

Inspirational quote

There are millions of inspirational quotes out there.  You can find quotes on just about any topic.  I found myself looking at infant loss quotes when Preston first passed.  While many of them made me ball my eyes out, I think in the end they made me feel better because it gave words to my emotions.  It allowed me to release my sadness, it allowed me to do it at my pace, and it allowed me to do so during a time that was special to Preston and I, late evenings.  Late evenings were really tough on me right after we lost him.  Brett would go to bed at around 9:00 and Preston would have a feeding at around 10:00-10:30, so we would hang out for awhile, or he would nap while I cleaned.  After his feeding though, he was alert and wanted to play, so we did until his bedtime.  I would then rock him to sleep, or read to him, or sing him songs.  I think he was the only one who could stand listening to me sing, poor Preston, lol.

I was reading through a magazine a little earlier and read a quote that gave me the idea for this post:

"Be patient and persistent.  Life is not so much what you accomplish as what you overcome." - Robin Roberts

Patience.  You need a lot of patience when you lose a child.  Patience to get through each day.  Patience to learn to live again.  Patience towards others.  My biggest pet peeve right now is people complaining about petty things in life.  It's even worse when children are involved.  "My kids are driving me crazy" or "My kids are keeping me up, I'm so tired" come to mind.  The first thought that comes to my mind when I hear/see these comments - at least you have your kid(s).  But, I do have to be patient with others.  They haven't experienced what I have, nor do I want them to.  Perhaps being exhausted is the hardest thing they've had to deal with.  If they are, they're incredibly lucky.  While, I feel society in general needs to be more sensitive and open to hear about infant loss, as the parent to an angel, it doesn't give me entitlement to say or do whatever I want.  I need to have more patience in dealing with certain situations.  While I think about my baby every day, it's normal that I encounter a lot of people don't know about my loss, or encounter people who don't think about Preston every day.  It's highly possible that many people close to me think about him every day, especially if you read my blog, but even then, the sting isn't there for you like it is for me.  You all have your troubles, and I'm not hear to judge on who's got it worse.  We all deal with difficulties and there's really no way to compare them.  I feel like I'm generally very patient, and I am working hard to get rid of this pet peeve.  Time will tell.

Persistence.  I've needed a lot of persistence.  It would be so easy to stay in bed all day and just let myself dwindle away.  I've heard many times, "I don't know how you do it".  There are many days where I don't know how I do it.  But frankly, I know that I don't have a choice.  Time doesn't stop.  Life doesn't end.  While I feel that part of me died on March 13th, I'm still standing.  I still feel, I still hurt, I still smile, I still have to eat.  I still have to have my Remicade treatments every 7 weeks.  I still have to work to afford everything I've come to be accustomed to.  I still have to work to be able to provide for my future children, should we have any.  I still have to work to build up enough for retirement one day.  I still want to work, because it makes me feel accomplished.  I still want to work, because it gives me purpose.  I still want to work, because I enjoy it.  While keeping on going isn't always easy, I need that persistence in my life.  Who knows if Crohn's is going to kick me down so hard that I can't work.  I hope it's never but it's hard to have to think that one day, I could not be able to work.  I hope I'm retired by the time that happens, if it happens.  The possibility of having certain things being taken away from you gives you a different appreciation than you would have without it.  I appreciate being able to work.  I appreciate being able to eat a salad, which is something I couldn't eat for over a decade.  Thank you surgery!  While I appreciated Preston more than he will ever know, while I appreciated being a parent, should I ever be blessed with that joy again, I will have a different kind of appreciation.

Accomplishments versus overcoming obstacles.  Any accomplishment I've had has made me feel very proud.  Getting good grades in school.  Getting the administrative assistant job I wanted while I still lived in Montreal.  Getting my own apartment.  Buying a house.  There are countless things I am proud of.  Not to lessen any of these things, but I'm much prouder of the obstacles I've defeated.  I had surgery to remove portions of my bowels due to excessive scar tissue caused by constant flare ups.  This was a pretty serious surgery, but as soon as I could walk, I was walking to recover as soon as possible.  I went to the gym when my scars were healed to build up my abs, and lose some of the weight I'd gained through taking Prednisone, the devil pill.  I'm incredibly proud of how I pushed through the pain.  While I had some assistance during the first couple of weeks thanks to my friends Morphine and Lidocaine, as soon as I could bear it, I stopped using narcotics to help me through the day.

After my C-section, again, I was walking around as much as possible.  I wanted to be able to be with Preston, and I wanted to be without pain meds.  I walked through the pain, through the pulling, tugging and horrible sensations in my already scarred abdomen.  I'm incredibly proud of my recoveries especially when I think about my first surgery.  I had my gallbladder removed in 2009 and I feel like I was a wimp.  I didn't recover quickly nor does it feel like I tried really hard.  It just felt difficult and I let it get the best of me.  Granted, I was also dealing with Crohn's flare-ups, but I'm still not proud of that recovery.

Now, I'm having to overcome losing my firstborn, my only child, my sweet happy baby boy.  I'd go through a thousand more surgeries if it meant I could have him back.  I'd live my life in physical pain day in and day out, if it meant that he'd still be here.  I'd take his spot in a heartbeat.  Unfortunately, that's not how it works.  I've had to find a way to be motivated to get up each day.  I've had to find way to eat, sleep and not drive myself crazy by thinking about the day we lost him for every moment of every day.  I've had to find a way to not drown in my own sorrow.  I think my past experiences has helped me overcome losing Preston.  Losing Preston is no obstacle, it's a life altering event that will be with me every day of my life.  Without dealing with some of the obstacles I've had to deal with, I don't think my mind and heart would be in as much peace as they are in 4 and a half months later.  I think it also has to do with who Preston was.  The happiness that radiated from that little boy definitely makes a difference to me.

So keep on keeping on my friends.  Life will throw obstacles at you.  It's all about how you overcome them and the attitude that you have while working through them.  Wishing you a blessed Sunday!