Positively February 2016: Day 4

Being happy doesn't mean everything perfect.  It means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections. - Unknown

Happy had been a word I've struggled with since losing Preston.  For a long time I felt like I didn't have the right to be happy, or I shouldn't be happy.  I felt guilty when I had happy moments.

It still happens that I feel guilty for being happy.

The truth is though, I need to have happiness in my life in order to live, to survive.  And while I'll never be as happy as I could have been, I do get to be happy.

While I'll never be completely happy, I do have the right to be happy.  I lost a child, but it doesn't mean that my life should be eternal doom and gloom.  I continue to be sad every day that I don't get to have with Preston, but I also know that he wants me to be happy.  Especially now that his little sister is here.  She deserves to be happy.  She deserves to have happy parents.

And in no way, does being happy mean that I've forgotten my child.  I think this is a fear a lot of mourning parents have. If I smile, or am happy, others will judge me and think that I am over the loss.  They will think I don't care about my baby enough.

You don't get over the loss.  Ever.  And if anyone judges you and thinks that you don't love your child enough, you don't need them in your life.  Surround yourself with people who will support you, lift you up when you need it.  Sever ties with those that make you feel worse.  You have every right to happiness.  It won't be perfect happiness, but you can certainly have it again if you allow yourself to see past your loss.  It'll be with you always.  Your child will always be a part of you.

One year unexpected, the next - in the forecast

It is Mother's Day Eve.  As I type this blog entry, the snow is steadily falling to the ground and has already formed a thin blanket on the ground.  It has been snowing for hours now.  I am feeling something I don't often feel - true happy.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that my life is brimming with sadness.  I have a great husband, a wonderful home, a job I enjoy, a loving family, fantastic friends and am blessed with so many things I am grateful for.  Unfortunately, every day is a reminder that someone is missing from my life.  This cheerful, always smiling little soul.  This giggling and wiggling little boy.  That notion that weighs on my heart, day in and day out, takes it's toll on my happiness.

I know it's ironic that I feel this way, when the goal of my blog is to spread happiness in the name of my son.  And I truly try every day to be happy.  I find ways to smile and have a good time most days.  I don't want anyone to think that I'm living in a dark, hopeless place filled with sadness.  I very easily could go to that place, but I choose not to.  Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that happiness comes easy.

Every day, I try to remind myself that my son would want me to continue living my life, a good life, a happy life.  It's hard, and I truly aspire to find that happiness every day.  I have joyful moments every week for sure.

This feeling I'm feeling right now though... pure happiness.  Last year, the thought of Mother's Day was tough.  I'd just lost my baby boy 2 months earlier and I was still struggling through the fog of those first months of grief.  It didn't feel right or fair.  It still doesn't and it isn't.  I had a hard time wanting to celebrate anyone, including my own mother and mother-in-law.  I just wanted to stay home and be with my thoughts.  I just wanted to be able to think of my son and remember him.  I kind of wanted to be alone, or at the very least, just with my husband.  I wanted to be in the home that Preston knew.  Where he was loved and happy.  It's where I feel closest to him.

We were supposed to go visit my in-laws but unexpectedly, a snow storm blew through and it was safer for us not to travel to the mountains.  I got my "wish".  I was able to stay home, and think of my son on my own timeless and not feel pressured into celebrations I wasn't ready for.  I believed wholeheartedly that it was a snowstorm from Preston.  He knew what I needed, and he gave it to me.  After all, my baby only really knew winter... seemed fitting that this blizzard was a sign from him.

It was probably just a month or month and a half after the "flash" snowstorm that had moved me so on a Sunday afternoon.  That storm that came out of nowhere and was over just as quickly revealing the sun in all its beauty.  That storm that gave me hope and felt like a message from Preston saying "Don't worry, as the storms come and go, so will your emotions, but they will pass, and the sun will always come back out".  Those storms have made me associate a lot of snowstorms with Preston.

As you may recall from one of my last posts, I've hoped for snow again this Mother's Day.  Not necessarily because I don't want to celebrate anyone else, but mostly just because I miss Preston and it would remove all doubts for me that last year's blizzard was just that a storm, and not a sign from my son.  It may not be Mother's Day quite yet, but consider my doubts gone.

You may say, well last year the storm was unexpected and this year, it's been in the forecast for days.  My friend and co-worker Lisa put it beautifully - "he had time to plan it this year".  Thank you for that Lisa.  You are right.  He certainly did.

Wishing a Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms out there; my Mom who instilled perseverance in my, my Mother-in-Law who's welcome me into her family as one of her own, my Aunts who have shown me that family supports each other through thick and thin.  My friends who have little ones of their own, you do a wonderful job raising those beautiful children.  My sister-in-law who's provided a loving home and continues to raise my smart and gorgeous niece and nephews.  My husband's sister who's currently expecting her first, and is filled with excitement.  My cousins who like my aunts, have shown me that family supports each other through it all, and who themselves have beautiful children who I one day hope to meet.

Wishing a gentle Mother's Day to the Mamas out there who have lost.  Whether you have living children or not, I know that it is a difficult day nonetheless.  Remember that you are a survivor.  Remember that your child matters, even though no one can see him, her or them.  You are a warrior, and a superhero Mama.  Don't ever forget it. <3

And to those who have lost their Mom, I know that this marks a difficult day for you too.  Cherish the memories of your Mom.  Remember the happy times, hold on to your favorite memories.  Share them.  If you feel you have no place to share them, I invite you to share them here.

Much love to everyone <3
xxxxxx

Opening Day

Yesterday was Opening Day at Coors Field, as the Colorado Rockies were hosting the Chicago Cubs.  We had not attended an Opening Day before and decided to do so this year.  I worked for a few hours on Friday and hubby met me there and we walked down to Coors Field, a nice 20 minute walk from my office.  There were people everywhere.  Festivities, laughter, cheering.  It was a happy occasion.  We waited for the gates to open for a good 30 minutes, but our waiting in line paid off.  We were one of the first people into the sporting facility!  Both teams were on the field, for batting practice, and other exercises.  We didn't get to go all the way down to the dug outs, but we got pretty close and I got to see (no not meet) one of the newer Cubs, an ex-Rockies played that I've enjoyed watching - Dexter Fowler.  This guy always seems so jovial, loves the fans, and just appears to have a huge heart.

We admired the players crank practice home run after home run.  And then walked around for a bit and finally decided to go get some food and find our seats.  Brett had a Rockies dog and I had a yummy pretzel with cheese sauce.  By now, batting practice was over and the grounds crew was on the field, getting it ready for the days' festivities, and of course, for first pitch!  Such meticulous work.  They really do a good job.  Raking the sand, cutting off any uneven strand of grass.  Mowing the grass in that crisscross fashion.  Watering the sand to make it look just perfect.  In the outfield, a couple people in suits appeared to be measuring out something - I guessed that it was for the flag placement.

The festivities began about 30 minutes before the game.  They introduced the teams, player by player.  They thanked the military as they paraded around the field - the Marine Corps, the Navy, the Air Force, US Army and the Coast Guard.  It was really moving as many of the soldiers who marched around the field, in formation, had just recently returned from assignment.  It really moved me, as these people make so many sacrifices which includes being away from their family.  They risk their lives, not ever seeing their children again.  They paid a wonderful tribute to Mr. Cub, Ernie Banks which I thought was so respectful for the Cubs organization.

And then came in the flag.  The huge flag.  Once fully unfolded, it covered the entire outfield.  It was amazing.  The Air Force Band from Colorado Springs performed the National Anthem and it was simply perfection.  Fireworks, jets flying over (though we missed it since they were right above us and there was concrete above our seats.  Finally, they released balloons - purple, black and white.  I couldn't help but remember Preston's birthday when my friends and co-workers released balloons for is birthday.

I longed to have Preston with us.  He'd have been just about 17 months old and would have enjoyed a lot of the festivities.  Probably not the loud fireworks and jets, but he would have loved the array of bright colors.   The bright reds, blues, greens and purples.  He would have enjoyed seeing the ball fly as high as he could see.  We would have told him all about baseball, and by day's end, he'd just want to play with a ball.

Before the game started, a few prestigious awards were handed out.  Two Gold Gloves, awarded to the best defensive players by position - DJ LeMahieu and Nolan Arenado (on my fantasy team - no big deal) and the Silver Bat, awarded to the batting champion - Justin Morneau.  It felt like we were attending a once in a lifetime type of event.

We had a really good time.  The Cubs did not win, but the Rockies did and we like the Rockies.  It was a bit chillier than anticipated, but still a great afternoon for baseball.  My only frustration, it seemed like a big social event to a lot of people instead of it being about baseball.  A lot of people standing up in front of others as the game went on.  Nonetheless, it was a happy day.  An experience I won't soon forget and that I was thrilled to share with my best friend, my husband.

Batting practice

Grounds crew finalizing the diamond

The Marine Corps (I think) marching on by

Balloons rising up to the sky

Balloons soaring above us

And just for my honey - look at all those zeros... wait and see, I believe in the Cubs <3

Spread Happiness For Preston is now on Facebook! - https://www.facebook.com/SpreadHappinessForPreston

Into the closet we go...

I've got the case of the writer's block.  I have many idea posts, but they are all posts that I need to really sit down and think about so that I say everything I want to say.  Posts for a day off.  For a weekend.

And so, I'm going to off in a different direction.  Let me ask you this question: what is your favorite article of clothing, and why?  For me it's really simple - my wedding dress.

Every girl's dream is to have a wedding dress.  Go out, shop and try on beautiful dresses.  Perhaps dresses you could never afford.  I went to a bridal shop in Montreal, and bought the 3rd dress I tried on.  I didn't need to try on more - it was perfect.  Strapless.  Subtle yet delicate beading, including little blue gleaming stones.  My something blue.  Simple.  And it fit just perfectly.

How did it make me feel to wear this dress?  Special.  Pretty.  Happy.  Relaxed.  You've heard of Bridezilla right?  Our photographer kept commenting on how I was the complete opposite of it.  I was the most calm bride he'd ever met.  Not freaking out about every detail of the wedding and reception.  Not worried about time.  Not worried about my hair, or make up or dress.  And really, I wasn't.  It was one of the happiest days of my life.  Maybe it helped that Brett and I were already married?  I suppose it's possible, though I don't believe that.  When you know, you know.  I knew with Brett before we even met face to face.  Crazy right?  We got married at the County Recorder's office in March 19, 2007 and then had a church wedding in September of he same year.  Getting married in April allowed for us to work on immigration right away.  Considering I didn't get to move to the United States until February 2008, I'd say that was a fabulous decision.  Plus, we were and are still in love, so it only made sense.  You be the judge on how relaxed I was... 

Any other favorite articles of clothing?  Perhaps the pyjamas that Preston always spit up on.  Just because it makes me smile to think about him.  My grey and black striped maternity shirt - makes me think of being pregnant with Preston, but also reminds me of that chance encounter outside my OB's office building where a woman was wearing that same shirt when I was desperately asking God for signs that Preston was ok.  My yoga pants because they are so comfortable.  Those all make me happy.  Sometimes the maternity shirt will make me sad, much like my pyjamas, but I'm blessed to have these memories.  Something to hold on to.  Something that let's me think about my son, a little bit more.

I often thought of what life lessons I could teach Preston.  How I would help heal his wounded heart after his first heartbreak was one of them.  I thought about what it would be like when he got married one day, far into the future.  I'll never know, but it doesn't stop me from thinking.  He would have been all smiles, that's for sure.

Your first birthday

Dear Preston,

A year ago today, you came into this world.  For 16 weeks, you brought me more happiness than I'd ever experienced.  I wish with all my heart that you were still here, but life had other plans for our family.  Today, your life was celebrated and honored.  I want to tell you, that I'm so incredibly proud of you.  You have touched so many lives.  So many people love you, even without ever having met you.

I'd been dreading this day for a while now.  I thought I'd be upset all day, dwelling on the fact that you don't get a first birthday on this Earth.  No birthday cakes.  No presents.  No happy squeals.  The day started off rather emotionally, but not as bad as anticipated.  I wore my "Preston boots" for the first time.  It felt appropriate.  They are so cute to boot. Ha! Unintended pun.

I left 2 gift cards on the windshield of the cars parked next to mine at the Lincoln station park & ride and then headed to the train.  On the way to work, I saw several messages from friends and family, saying nice things and sharing how they spread happiness today, to honor you.  The first thing I saw, was a friend who did a manicure to honor Preston. You can view it here: http://instagram.com/p/vlOOMOtBRS/

Soon after, I read about what one of my friends who bought "Timbits" (donut holes from Tim Hortons) for her son and daughter's teachers.  She also let someone go ahead of her at checkout at the grocery store.  I knew one lady who was bringing donuts for her co-workers.  I got so many hugs today.  Never underestimate the power of a hug.  Des gave out goodies to everyone in our department, with a #SpreadHappinessForPreston tag on each.  So sweet, generous and moving.  Thank you Des.

Around 9:30, I got a beautiful email from Tina.  She and some other girls I work with, had bought balloons to release, and were inviting me to join, if I was up for it.  I'd wanted to do something like this myself, but just didn't have the strength to go buy balloons.  I met them in the lobby at 10:15, and we walked a block away.  Each of us, got one of the multicolored balloon, and we released them into the sky wishing Preston a happy first birthday.  That is what is pictured above.  Thank you Tina, Carolyn, Brianna, Dana, Nancy, Debbie, Charlene, Jess, Lisa and Jocelyn for being part of this most touching moment.  When I got back to my desk after the having watched the balloons soar into the sky, my day had just been turned around.  I no longer felt the sadness of your loss.  Instead, I was happy to celebrate your life.

Today, the world honored your life.  They honored your in so many ways.  Kip sent a donation in your name to Angel Eyes.  Tiffany made a donation to Project Night Night.  Lisa made a donation to the American SIDS Institute.  Ajay asked her daughter to be extra nice today: "open doors for others, lend pencils and paper when needed, tell the teacher how pretty she is today, and to be there for her fellow students in any way possible, if needed".  Her daughter is 10, and wanted to know why her mom was asking her to do all this today.  She told her Preston's story and her daughter then looked to the sky and said "happy birthday you sweet lil angel! I don't know you yet, but I love you!".  How sweet.  Ajay, you have a really sweet daughter.  Ajay spent the day cleaning other people's messes, complimenting others (even if they were rude), helped her daughter get ready for the day.  She gave more hugs to others than she has ever done in her life.  She planned to spend the evening in a retirement home to spend time with the lonely.  Ajay, your daughter's card to Preston was beautiful.  Please thank her for me and give her a big hug.

Another mom paid for other people's parking for the day.  Krystal is having a tree planted in the Superior National Forest for little Ava P., Jack, Claire, Ava T and a little baby boy who never got to be named.  What a sweet gesture.  She's also offered to have one planted for Preston's honor.  You are a sweetie Krystal.  I'm so moved.  Irene, attached a card to some McDonald's gift cards, and handed them out to homeless persons.

Katie also donated to the Ameican SIDS Institute. Thank you Katie.  A mom from BBC, emptied her wallet and donated to a food drive.  Acts of Kindness were done in Baltimore by Jon.  My friend paid for another girl's lunch today.  I left a $20.00 tip for our $25.00 lunch.  So many others told me they were participating.  I don't know what they did, but I just know, that it was a successful day.

Additionally to all this, a lot of happiness was sent our way.  I received flowers from Sereena and Kim.  A lovely single red rose from Charlene.  Lisa had a star named for Preston.  How incredibly original and dreamy.  I am moved beyond words.  Brendan and Jess, donated several bears to unprivileged children.  They will all wear a #SpreadHappinessForPreston card.  Thank you! That is so, so touching.  Jocelyn and Barry gave us a rainbow catcher to hang in a window.  My co-workers from Financial Services bought us a memorial stone with your name on it, and your birthday.  It's a terracotta stone with mosaics on it.  So beautiful.  I am speechless at all these acts of kindness.  Just a few minutes ago, we received flowers from neighbors on our street.

Finally, Meme and Grandpa in Montreal, released 8 large balloons containing your #SpreadHappinessForPreston cards.  Who knows where they will land?  I hope they make it far, and bring a smile to many strangers.  My aunt Jocelyn and uncle Burnell, donated to various charities.  Brett, my loving husband and your dad, brought pizzas over to the firehouse.  The firemen remembered you, they were the first responders.  I think it's a testament to how special you are, that they remember you.

Prestson, I'm wishing you a happy birthday.  I don't throw the word happy around easily.  I didn't think I'd want to associate happy with your birthday, but if today taught me anything, it's that you've made the world a better place, even if you were only here for 16 weeks.  You created so much happiness today.  You made me realize just how much of an impact your life has made on others, people that held you, loved you, others who never got the chance to meet you, and others that didn't know you existed until you were gone.  I hope that Liz was right, and that you are celebrating your birthday on a cloud.  I hope cake is as delicious in Heaven as it is on Earth.  I hope that you had a nice day, and were spoiled.  I know I would have spoiled you if you were here.  What else is a mama to do? ;)

Thank you to everyone who has participated.  I invite you to continue to share how you have spread happiness today.  And, I hope you will participate again, next year, and every subsequent year.  The world could really use more smiles

Home sweet home

Home is where the heart is.  Home sweet home.  There's no place like home.  We've all heard these sayings, but how often do we stop and really appreciate our home, what it provides for us and what it means to us.  On day 8 of my 30 days of gratitude challenge, I am thankful for my house; my home.

We've been living in this house for well over 4 years.  I loved it the instant we stepped inside.  It wasn't in an area we'd really considered living in, but I just really loved the house itself, the area, the trees and the views.

We'd been living in the northern suburbs of Denver since I moved to Colorado in 2008.  It was a really quaint apartment, I finally was comfortable with where everything was.  I was familiar with the new speed limits, highways, streets.  We almost bought a house a few blocks from our apartment complex, but the deal fell through and then we found this house, south of Denver.  It was more adjusting to a new area, but I became familiar, comfortable with it much quicker than the first time around.  I was sad to hear the reason the house was being sold - the previous owners were in the middle of a divorce.  I hoped that it wasn't a sign that there was bad "joo joo" in this house.  I've come to learn that you make your own luck, your own karma.  While tragedy has struck us, while you could consider us to be among the world's unluckiest people, we're still blessed with so much to be grateful about.

This isn't a sad house.  It is a loving, happy home.  While we might be dealing with devastation, this house is still full of love.  This house is the happy home that Preston knew.  It's the only home he knew.  It's where he first smiled.  It's where he enjoyed swinging, and bouncing.  It's where he was fed, where he slept, where he was cared for.  While I'm not a fan of moving, I always imagined we would buy a bigger house one day, most likely in the same neighborhood.  Now, I never want to leave.  I don't fear that Preston's spirit wouldn't find us where ever we go, but I just don't want to be away from where he lived, where he giggled, where he kicked, where he smiled that big smile of his.  Where he was happy, and where he made us feel complete.  That's where I want to be.

I love this house for its layout.  All the bedrooms are upstairs.  Our bedroom has an extra nook which we use as office space.  The living area on the main floor is open.  The basement is unfinished, like a blank canvas for us to do what we like with it.  When we moved in, it was move in ready but wasn't so modernized that we couldn't grow into it the way we wanted to.  A lot of work has been done outside.  We had to build a new shed when the one that came with the house crumbled after a hailstorm - well actually, it kept falling apart every time it was windy, or it rained...  This new shed - not going nowhere!  New roof, repaired fence, repaired deck stairs.  The stairs to the backyard have been leveled.  We had to replace our dishwasher when the electrical components decided to start burning... And that started the kitchen transformation.  When we save up enough, in comes a new stainless steel appliance.  I love my gas range double oven! I love what we paid for it even more, LOL.  I hate spending money... a problem my hubby doesn't share :)  We balance each other out really well!  Eventually, we'll have new counters, a nice backsplash... One thing at a time.

As you saw if you've been reading my blog, we have a new floor in our "front" room.  I don't know what else to call it.  Maybe our poker room?  We have a large poker table that we put in there.  Regardless of what to call it, I love the new floor, and I look forward to seeing the same floor in our living room.  Probably early spring.  Brett just steam cleaned the carpet in the living room, so I think it'll survive until then.  Looks so much better anyway. 

A good home must be made, not bought

This is a quote I read earlier, and I have to agree.  This didn't become home when we bought it.  It became home as we worked on it.  It became a home when we started making memories here.  When we had our first Christmas here.  When we celebrated finding out we were having a boy.  When we brought Preston home, and cared for him.  It became a home as we hosted friends for poker, dinner and other festivities.  It's a good home.  In just a few days, we will be hosting a fantasy football draft here with friends.  I know nothing about football, but I'm happy to be included and will be helping with recording picks, making dinner, and just interacting with old friends, and new friends.  I'm thankful that our friends feel comfortable in our home.  I'm thankful that family has a good time when they are over, and that we are able to provide them with a comfortable place to stay, away from their home.

I'm thankful for my home, because it's not only a roof over my head, which keeps me warm in the winter, and offers a cool environment in the summer thanks to our friend A/C.  I have a comfortable place to sleep, a functional kitchen to cook in, and a nice living room to relax in.  I'm thankful that we where able to give Preston a comfortable room of his own.  We've hidden away most of his things in his room now, so it looks messy, it's not easy to walk in.  It's remained pretty untouched since March.  One day, if we are blessed with another child, it will be hard turning it into the room of his younger sibling.  That wasn't the way it was suppose to be.  But hopefully, this room can once again become a happy room, a room filled with giggles, filled with coos.  Nonetheless, I have some memories in this room that I will cherish forever.