Of renewal and forgiveness

The scent of lilacs tickled my nose yesterday as I walked outside.  Is there anything that smells more of Spring than lilacs?  Perhaps the heightened scents of nature after rainfall?

Spring is most definitely here.  Last weekend was filled with rain, and suddenly everything is green.  Everything feels alive.  All week long, I'd been planning this past weekend.  I was going to till the garden and plant my vegetable seeds.  Saturday afternoon, it looked like it might rain and I pushed this task to Sunday.  After lunch, both Brett and I felt tired, and we took a nap.  When I woke up, it was windy and overcast and rainfall seemed to loom in the air.  There's been no rain, yet my garden hasn't been seeded.

I can be such a procrastinator.  I don't like this about myself.  The weekends are so short though, and I always seem to plan too much for myself, which makes me feel overwhelmed, and then I end up doing maybe one thing on my "list", when I could have easily done three or four.  Anyone else that this problem??

I think what I need to do, is just make a list of everything I want to do, and as time permits, complete them.  Some of them I might be able to complete on a weekday, why do I have to wait until the weekend?  Perhaps I'll till the soil on Tuesday and then seed the garden on Wednesday.  Nothing wrong with that!

What frustrates me about my procrastination this weekend though is that this is something I was excited to do.  Like really excited.  This is Preston's Garden.  A place where I can connect with him, talk to him, make time for him... and I didn't do it.  I've felt so tired all weekend, and I let it get in the way of what I wanted to do.

Spring is a time for renewal.  Perhaps Spring is also a time for forgiveness... a time to forgive myself for my shortcomings and a time to make things happen.  Time for change and action.  All week long, I've seen bunnies around my house.  On my neighbor's yard, or my own.  Across the street on the sidewalk as I leave for work early in the morning.  And try as I may to catch the glimpse of a bunny elsewhere, I've failed.  It is bunny season, but so far, it seems to be bunny season, just around our home.  I believe, someone's trying to give me motivation to make things happen...

Haven in a garden

My post from yesterday inspired me to go take a look at the little triangle of garden we have in the front of our house.  I attempted to clean it up last fall, but after seeing it, I still have some work to do.  Grass had begun growing through the landscaping fabric so I just decided to rip it out and start fresh.  I guess I forgot that I also needed to trim everything once winter came... or perhaps my mind just tucked it somewhere deep inside as that would have entailed being out in the cold - not my favorite activity!

Despite the mess that still exists in this small area, the tulips are starting to grow.  Exciting!  Additionally, there's these other plants that are growing.  Perhaps you can help me figure out what's growing!  The leaves are rather large and have dark lines on them.  The only thing I remember planting are the following: Sweet Pea, Forget-Me-Not and Sweet William.  I've seen Sweet William before, my mother has some in her gardens back in Montreal, and I really don't think that's what there are.  So what could it be???

I'm so curious to find out what it is that I've planted that's already growing?  I sincerely hope that these flowers survive whatever weather the Spring has in store for us.  I hope even more to soon see colorful flowers in this garden.  It can become a haven - a place I can go to reminisce about my son, about our happy times.  A place where I could possibly conjure up thoughts of what he might be up to in Heaven.

In the meantime, can someone help me figure out what plant these leaves below to?  I sure hope they are a flower, and not some crazy weed :) 

The subtle arrival of spring

I don't remember much about the last Spring season aside from just trying to put one foot in front of the other as I battled through the early stages of grief.  The Easter aisles as well as the decorations in the supermarkets give me pause as I navigate quickly past them, frightened of the memories that might come flooding back.  I could hardly step into the supermarkets at this time last year without feeling like I was about to lose it.  Reminders of what I'd just lost slapping me in the face at every turn.  I do not wish to revive these illicit thoughts and feelings.

Earlier this week, I was riveted by the white blooming flowers that had begun adorning the trees.  How had I not noticed them in the days before?  It's as though they had so slyly started budding. Faintly and slowly, making it difficult to notice until obvious.

Spring is here.  Winter storms may be bound to return, as they do year after year but as the grass grows greener, as tulips begin to break through the ground and as the trees continue to bud, hope floats.  Life is renewing.  A scary thought in many ways.  Alternatively, a true form of inspiration to build on.

As Spring insidiously makes it's presence known, I hold on to my memories of Preston and make way for the rainbows that are about to adorn the sky and hopefully, my life as a whole.

Spring in the wintertime

It was stunning outside today.  The only alteration I did to this picture is add a border and the url for my blog.  It was just perfect the way it was taken.  Not bad for a camera phone. :)

It's interesting, because when I went out for groceries earlier today, I thought the day was the opposite of beautiful.  It was warm, in the high fifties, maybe low sixties degree fahrenheit.  I wouldn't normally be upset by this, but it is January.  What are you doing to us global warming!!  With the snow mostly melted everywhere, everything was ugly and brown.  Desolate.  For some reason, I was thinking about the 2 upcoming "holidays" that are coming up - Valentine's Day and Easter and it brought me sadness.  Valentine's Day is the day I found out baby H was gone.  It's also the last special occasion we shared with Preston.  Easter is the first one he missed.  An egg hunt would have been so fun with him this year.

When I got home from my trip to King Soopers, everything felt different.  The air smelled fresh.  There was a cool breeze.  The patio door was open to let in the fresh air and the warmth of the sun.  I stepped onto our back deck to be greeted by what you see above.  Divine.  The sun beams, right onto our house. Once again.  A message? Preston is happy.  Preston is doing okay.  This household will know happiness.  This house is blessed.  Whatever it is, I can only think that it is good.  And I welcome it.

As the snow melts, and the sun shines through the clouds, it surely feels like Spring is around the corner.  And while that will come with some extremely sad memories, it's also a time of renewal and new beginnings.  Much like the sun beams shining on my house, I welcome it.  It's very much needed.