This and that...

Where does the time go.  Every time I want to sit down and write, something comes up or it's time for bed!  Tonight, while every inch of me wants to just sit and watch General Hospital where interesting things are happening (yay November sweeps!), I am taking the time to write.  For myself, for Preston, and for anyone who might get something out of this.

The Nursery

Samantha's room has been coming along nicely.  The wall painting is complete and I love the way the light lilac color looks next to the baby blue wall.  I'm even more excited that hubby ended up liking the lighter lilac color like I did... mostly because of it's name -- Guardian Angel.  Doesn't that seem so appropriate?  We moved the crib from the left side of the room to the right side of the room just to give it a different feel.  I'm starting to look forward to spending a lot of time in there.  The door to her and Preston's room has been open for weeks now, and it feels nice.  It feels like a happy room again.

The one disappointment has been that the decal stars and moon aren't sticking to the wall very well.  We even tried to get them to adhere to the wall better using a hot iron.  Time to get some spray adhesive me thinks...

Approaching 34-35 weeks

We believe Preston was born at about 35 weeks, if not 34 weeks, despite what the doctors say.  I will be 34 weeks along with Samantha tomorrow.  That realization has been weighing on my mind for the past couple weeks.  I try to remain calm as everything seems to be going well, however it's still scary.  The sight of possible swelling freaks me out.  Hearing someone tell me that there was "no way" I was making it all the way to December 24th, sent me for a tailspin.  What not to say to a grieving mama, to a mama who had preeclampsia and who had a baby too early?  That.  That is a great example of what not to say.

I have an appointment with my OB this Friday, so I hope that will help calm my nerves.  I'm not panicking or anything, but it's constantly at the back of my mind.  I try to remain positive.  Really, I just want things to be okay and normal.  For once.

Preston's birthday and #SpreadHappinessForPreston

I can't believe my baby would be 2 years old in just about a week.  I feel like I haven't pushed #SpreadHappinessForPreston enough this year.  Last year, I wrote to the Ellen show.  Last year, I physically mailed a letter to everyone that lives on my street, it's tributary streets and the street across from the greenbelt behind our house.  I didn't do it this year, even though I had the intention to.

I thought of writing to the local newspaper to share my story, Preston's story, his smile and his message.  

In my heart, I've hoped that #SpreadHappinessForPreston becomes bigger every year.  I don't know that it will be and I only have myself to blame.  I hope mama didn't disappoint you baby boy.

Signs

Signs from Preston aren't as frequent as they once were.  I see the occasional bunny.  Rainbows are rare.  I was on the train last week.  Upset due to the fact that someone thought I wouldn't make it to Christmas Eve.  I've gained about 20-25 lbs.  I'm not huge by any means, so I'm not sure why this was said to me (not that I have any qualms about my weight or anything).

Well I turned on Pandora and accidentally hit the "Shuffle" bar and there it was... Iris.  I just about cried... and I did feel better and smiled

I tell you, signs exist.

Halloween

For the second year in a row, I didn't quite know what to expect with this holiday.  I'd been looking forward to it so much last year, wanting to see my little boy as a cute lion.  I expected a lot more children to stop by on Halloween since it was a weekend day.  Maybe a total of 45 kids stopped by, most of them in droves of about 10.  I feel like I hardly had a chance to see their costumes.  My favorite?  I can't even remember.

Brett and I thought of Preston that evening.  We wondered what costume we might have put him in this year.  I think we landed on a bear cub.  Seems fitting given that was the theme of his nursery was teddy bears.

I was able to capture a beautiful sunset before the children started ringing the doorbell.  Golden clouds above barren trees.  The calm and cool air felt peaceful and made me feel close to my son.

The zoo

The weekend before Halloween, we went to the zoo with our close friends and their two children.  It's something I'd wanted to do with Preston at some point, especially knowing his love for big cats.  He seemed so enthralled as he watched them on TV in the morning with his dad.

It was packed at the zoo.  I guess it was a special day where you could bring your child in costume and they could trick or treat in the zoo.  Cool concept.  I enjoyed watching our friends' two year old marvel at some of the animals.  And while I struggled seeing some of the animals I think would have interested Preston, I feel like he followed us there and spent the way with us.  On the way home, we stopped at BabiesRUs and bought a bunch of clothes for Samantha, as well as decorations for her room.  It was a nice family day.

On a side note, if you haven't gotten a chance to go to the Denver Zoo lately, I strongly recommend going while the Lego exhibits are still scattered around the zoo.  They are stunning sculptures.  I believe this is a travelling exhibit, so if you aren't in Denver, hopefully it comes to a zoo near you! ;)

That's about all that's going on with me.  I hope that everyone who reads this is well.  Sending you lots of love, courage, and smiles.  Until next time <3

Capture Your Grief 2015 - Express Your Heart

Neglected.  That's how I feel I've treated my blog lately.  I've wanted to write, but I've let so many things get in the way.  Time.  Fatigue.  Emotions.  Not being able to find the words.

Yet, almost every time I start writing, things just seem to flow.  I thought of skipping this subject (day 14) but it felt like the perfect opportunity to bring up a subject that's been heavy on my heart for months.  And it is even more so now.

When I learned that I was pregnant again, there were so many emotions.  Fear.  Gratitude.  Happiness.  Blessed.  Sadness.  From day to day, I've felt confused about how I should feel.  I should be so grateful.  Yet, Preston should be sharing in this moment.  I should be happy, yet I feel terrified of losing another child.  It's been a constant tug of war in my heart.

Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that we are going to be welcoming our little girl in a couple months.  And I have a lot of good days where I'm excited.  But there are moments that are so difficult.  Reaching certain milestones.  Realizing that Samantha moves so much more than Preston, which maybe should have been a hint that things weren't going as great as I thought with my pregnancy with Preston.

For months, I knew we'd have to make a decision about Preston's nursery.  Does it become Samantha's, or do we transform it into a guest room and make the guest room into Samantha's room?  We opted to turn Preston's room into Samantha's.  We decided it was a place he was always happy and comfortable.  We made the decision to keep certain parts of the nursery intact - including the wall pictured above.  If I can have it my way, this wall will remain baby blue with the red, white and blue stripes for the Cubs (and Canadiens) for the rest of time.  Hopefully Samantha doesn't have a problem with it as she grows older.

And so, last weekend, hubby and I entered the nursery together for the first time since March 2013.  We moved a lot of things over to the guest room so that we could put away some of Preston's things, so that we could possibly move the furniture in a different pattern and so that I could make a mental inventory of what we might need.

I'd been in this room a handful of times.  Sometimes, I would manage to stay for only a few seconds, while others, I was able to spend a good half hour reading a book to Preston, as I rocked back and forth in the rocking chair, as we used to so often.  I knew cleaning out the nursery was going to be difficult.  I didn't expect it would hit me like a ton of bricks.

So many things were hidden away in drawers, or underneath other items.  Some of which I hadn't looked at in over a year and a half.  Just the fact that we were changing things up, and putting away some things for good.  It brought back that sharp initial pain that existed when I learned my baby boy was gone.  It brought back all those agonizing memories I wish I could call a nightmare.  Except this time, there was no fogginess to protect me.  There was no numbness.  No feelings of disbelief.  How could there be, having lived with this for 19 months?

Needless to say, we were only able to work in there for an hour or so.  We threw away a few things, we made the decision to wash some of his clothes, sheets and blankets.  We moved the crib from one side of the room to the other.  And since that evening, the door to the nursery has been opened.

This afternoon, I went in and folded all the clothes that hubby washed.  I put away all the 3 month old clothes, and placed a bunch of Preston's things into the chest that's at the foot of our bed.  Things I don't want his sister to share.  His lamp.  The sheet and blanket that were part of his bedroom set.  His "my first Christmas" onesie, along with some of my favorite clothes of his - including his preemie "pinch me I'm cute" one (and his 3 month old version of it).  It's the one he came home from the hospital in and the only one we didn't donate to the hospital once he didn't fit into the preemie stuff anymore.    His Brandon Marshall Chicago Bears jersey to match his dad's.  Some binkies and other memorabilia.

While his things will be tucked away out of sight, they will be close by if we ever want to see them.  And there are things of Preston's that Samantha will share for sure.  She inherits all his stuffed animals and toys.  She'll share his favorite swing and bouncer.  His bear bathrobe.  Some of the decorations in the nursery.  Some clothes even.  Though, I suppose, it's possible that if it's too hard to see her in them, it won't be for very long.

I went on a shopping spree yesterday and bought her a bunch of things.  A new lamp for the nursery.  A mobile with a moon and stars.  A ton of clothes.  She's going to be a little fashionista, let me tell you.  Her wardrobe is more expensive than mine and it's just newborn sized.  I think someone's going to be a spoiled little girl!  Well, let her be.  I'll just have to make sure she doesn't become a spoiled brat. ;)

When one door closes, another opens.

I will never, ever forget my son.  I will continue to think about him every day, even when he becomes a big brother.  Samantha will not replace Preston in any way, shape or form.  She has a special place in my heart, in my life, just like Preston does.  I can only hope, that Preston knows.