All that I wanted

Last week, I had a conversation regarding what my hopes and dreams were for Preston.  While this may sound depressing, it was rather therapeutic because it's not a subject I get to talk about much.  It's not something people ask every day, or something someone would even think to ask because it would probably come off as insensitive.. which I can totally understand too.

It was a difficult topic to discuss, but at the same time, it felt so nice to talk about my son, even if it was about things he'd never do.  It's not like those thoughts go away.  In about a month, a whole year and a half will have passed since the last time I held him and every day, I continue to wonder, what he'd be like, what he'd be doing, how would he compare to other kids his age.

I spent years imagining what it would be like to have a child; what my expectations were as a parent, and what I'd do in certain situations.  While it was next to impossible for us to have a child for several years due to my health, these thoughts, these hopes for the future, I think they kept us going.  They gave me a reason to take control of what I could, in regards to my health.  I think that was one of the toughest realizations for me when Preston was gone.  Not only that he wasn't with us anymore, and that all my recent dreams for him had vanished into thin air, but all the hopes I'd built in my head, in my heart for years, simply were smashed to pieces.

And so, if you don't find this too depressing of a subject, I invite you to read on about the hopes and dreams I had in regards to Preston.  Feel free to share any aspirations, thoughts and dreams that you had for your child.  Or for yourself, that aren't possible because of unforeseen obstacles thrown in your path throughout your life.  Or for a loved one, gone too soon.


Before Preston was born, in early November 2013, we were shopping at BabiesRUs, I forget what for - baby monitor maybe?  Picking up his crib?  Halloween costumes were being liquidated, given that the holiday had just passed.  We looked through them, and landed on a 9 month old lion costume.  It was so precious and we decided to buy it.  His original due date was December 15, a 9 month old costume made perfect sense.  When he was born a good 5 weeks early, at 4 lbs 5 oz, I always wondered if he would fit into it by Halloween.  I figured, it probably would be a little loose, but oh well.  I couldn't wait to see him in it.  To this day, I still find myself trying to see his little face in that lion costume.

Every day, I would talk to Preston about what was going on around him.  What people were doing outside, what his dad was doing, what everything around him was.  So many times, we watched children sliding down the greenbelt behind our house.  It looked like so much fun, and I told Preston, that we'd be doing that next year.  I so looked forward to it.  I thought we'd make snow angels, and snowmen.  One day, I knew his dad would show him how to snowboard, and I'd be a nervous wreck.

During my pregnancy, we ha wandered to the park on the 4th of July.  There were a bunch of festivities.  Food trucks, barbecue, carnival games, and music.  For the next weeks, I anticipated bringing Preston for years to come, possibly along with our friends and their son, who was born 5 months before Preston.  Odd as it may seem for a Canadian, the fourth of July remains one of the toughest holidays for me to get through since losing Preston.  I strongly suspect, this dream, has a lot to do with it.

I'd hoped to teach him French in a few years.  Teaching him at a young age, I hoped he'd have a proficiency for it, like his mama (not like his dad who can hardly say "Hola" after 6 years of Spanish class).  I imagined he would have been great at math - after all, his dad is a human calculator, and I was never too shabby at math... there's a reason I'm in accounting right??

I imagined trying to help him through his first heartbreak.  Cuddling him, and trying to find a way to explain love to him.  I imagined him getting married to a nice girl.  She would have been lucky to have him as a husband.

I wondered if he'd have been an architect, or a doctor?  Or more likely, an analyst of some kind, in finance perhaps, like his parents.  Whatever his dream, I would have encouraged him and done whatever I can to help him achieve it, but in a way where he would have all the credit of his own merit.

I imagined him playing baseball with his dad.  Would he have thrown fastballs, or hit home runs, or both?

I envisioned him starting to talk at a ridiculously young age.  It sounds unreasonable, but I really thought he'd start saying words at 8 or 9 months. Maybe earlier.  From the moment he was born, he always had something to say, even if I couldn't understand it.  Maybe he knew the meaning of life :).  He was my little genius after all.

I always dreamed he'd be a wonderful big brother.  Teaching his younger sibling(s), and perhaps getting them into trouble too.  I  imagined him protecting a little sister...  I never imagined it would be from up above, as a guardian angel.  Now I'm not certain he's going to have a little sister, we'll know in a couple days though.  But I do know, this younger sibling, truly does have a guardian angel.  And I know this, because every time I have a serious worry (not that it's founded on anything but emotions), I know Preston sends me a sign to calm my nerves.  I rather have him with me, but, I couldn't ask for a better guardian angel.  I know he'll watch over his little brother or sister and that brings me a lot of peace.

There are so many dreams, that I can't even fathom listing them all.  I hope through them though, that you gotten to know Preston a little better.  For what he was, what he would have been, what I aspired him to be and really, for what he still is.  A bright star shining in the sky for his mama in times of need.

Little chefs

I'm not Iron Chef but I can usually make a pretty decent meal.  I used to be a good baker too, but the altitude is something I'm still trying to adjust with when it comes to baking.  In Colorado, "tourtière" is nowhere to be found.  What is "tourtière" you ask?  Essentially, it's a meat pie that originated in Quebec and was traditionally served on Christmas Eve and New Year's Day.  French Canadians, certainly among other cultures, often begin celebrating Christmas on the Eve with a large meal at midnight or around there.  It was customary in my family.

I worked in the supermarket industry for a good 10 years, my first job being that of a cashier.  When I moved out on my own, the holiday season meant that I could buy a meat pie as we had them in the frozen section. Yum!  Search as I may, when I first moved here to Colorado, I could not find any.  Not in regular groceries stores.  Not in specialty markets.  I took it upon myself to search for a recipe on the web, found one and have altered it and made it my own over the years.  It's now a classic for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Everyone loves it.  Every time I make one, it seems to be better than the last.  The picture above doesn't really do it justice, as the lighting was really poor.  I tried to enhance it with my new Adobe Photoshop that hubby gave me for my birthday last week, but that's the best I could do.  Basically, the meats are ground beef, ground chicken, ground pork and some bacon for good measure.  Add some onions and riced potatoes with some spices, put it in a pie and voila!

This is probably as creative as I've been in the kitchen, and I started off with the base of someone else's recipe.  I was watching Masterchef Junior this afternoon and was just astounded by what these 8 to 12 year olds can do!  I'd have to practice and ruin a lot of dishes before I could compete with the likes of those children!  It's really inspiring to see them go.  They have these ideas, and turn them into restaurant quality dishes and I'm not talking Burger King or Chili's here.  They have ambition and drive.  They are motivated and competitive.  They have dreams.  Should they continue to work and try as hard as they do, I have no doubt that they will succeed in fulfilling their culinary dreams.

As it is a competition show where one child wins $100,000 and a trophy (bragging rights!), every week, 2 kids have been eliminated.  Masterchef can be pretty brutal, as the hosts are often really blunt (and vulgar).  Masterchef Junior shows a softer side to them, and they always give positive feedback to the children.  The show usually ends with the eliminated contestants saying what they took away from the competition.  "I have more confidence in myself" was what one of them said this week.  I know another said something like "I made the top 10 and that says a lot about my abilities in the kitchen.  I won't give up my dream".

It made me think about how each month, at grief group therapy/counseling, whatever you want to call it, we do the same.  We each say what we took away from the session.  So far, I've been able to do that every month, which I think is important.  It goes without saying, that you don't get over the loss of a child.  You find ways to adapt and cope.  How I've been able to cope and heal, is in big part because of these groups of parents who attend and share their experiences, thoughts, fears.  I remember being stuck on the "why" we lost Preston.  On the "what is SIDS".  On the "what if it could have been prevented".  For starters, you can't prevent SIDS.  You can reduce the risks, which we did everything in our power that we possibly could knowing he was more at risk as a preemie.  During one session, one of the parents, Abby, talked about how they lost their son Ryder, and how they knew what caused his death.  Knowing didn't make the pain less.  Knowing didn't give peace of mind.  Knowing didn't take away the guilt.  That helped me a lot.

In that same fashion, I always try to end my blog entries with something positive, or something that I've taken away from the experience or thoughts I shared.  I hope that in reading my entries, you are able to ask yourself "what am I taking away from this".  Perhaps, try to ask yourself that question upon finishing my entry each time.  Feel free to share, I do love the feedback.  It's helpful to me, and I hope it is to you and others as well.


I hope that I'm often able end my blogs the way I describe above.  I really want this blog to continue helping others.  Today, hearing those kids with such enthusiasm, with such passion for life already.  Those children with great attitudes - it made me realize that I need more of that.  I have my talents and maybe they aren't in the kitchen (to the same extent as those kids anyway), but I shouldn't sell myself short on what I can do and what I do well.  I'm not 12 with my whole life ahead of me.  The biggest challenge in life hasn't been to cook the perfect egg.  It's been dealing with the loss of my son.  My sweet sweet Preston.  Obviously, there's no comparison but I think, if I can somehow allow a little innocence back into my life, maybe just maybe, that enthusiasm for life can resurface.