Touched by an Angel

Day 30 of my 30 days of gratitude challenge already.  Still so many things I am thankful for.  Perhaps I will need to do another challenge at some point.  One thing is certain though - this has been a helpful healing experience.  It has shown me that I have a lot of good in my life.  It's helpful to have that reminder on rough days.

But, I still have day 30 to write about in order to complete the challenge.  On day 30, I'm thankful for Preston.  Perhaps it seems like a re-iteration of my day 1 gratitude - the 16 weeks I had with Preston, but it isn't.

Sometimes the people whom we’ve known for only a short amount of time have a bigger impact on us than those we’ve known forever.
~ Maya Angelou

I've come to know some pretty spectacular people.  Many have made a big impact on my life, whether it be my parents with everything they taught me, my brothers whom I could always rely on, or my husband who provides undying love and support.  Friends who've taught me how to be a better person, doctors who gave me a chance at quality of life, family who's been there through thick and thin.  That little boy I am so honored to call my son, left the biggest impact (no offense meant to anyone).  He showed me pure love.  He showed me the fight he had in him, that same fight I think I have in me.  He showed me true happiness.  He showed me that I was more patient than I thought.  He showed me that I could deal with the unpredictability that life brings, with his early arrival and departure.  He showed me how to share like I've never shared before, and I've always found myself to be pretty generous.  He showed me what perfection looked like.

Perfection doesn't last forever it would appear.  Losing Preston taught me grief and devastation.  But in losing him, I gained a lot of empathy.  I gained a sense of responsibility to spread the word on SIDS and miscarriages, and stillbirth and infant loss of other kinds.  The world seems to tuck away these losses yet, 1 in 4 pregnancies results in miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss.  That is a high number, yet so many suffer in silence.  I will do my best to provide support, and outlets for those who need to share their loss, their experience, their pain, their story, their baby.  I wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for Preston.  And don't get me wrong, I would prefer having Preston than being down this road, but if I can help one person, I feel like Preston's helped me accomplish something really meaningful.

I'm wiser than I was a year ago, a few short months prior to meeting Preston for the first time.  I'm certainly not happier, which I should be.  I'm certainly not at peace with what happened, but I feel like the only reason I'm standing is because of who Preston was.  And, that he left part of his heart with me, and took a part of mine.  Forever we will be connected.  Forever I will attempt to make him proud.  Forever I will look forward to seeing him again, and in the meantime, I will do my best to find a new kind of happiness, even if it is stained with bittersweetness.  I will do my best to help others.  I will do my best to share the happiness he was meant to spread around the world.

Thank you for coming into my life little boy.  I wish you could have stayed, but know that even if I knew the outcome wouldn't change and we could do it all again, I would in a heartbeat.  To have known you, changed my life.  To have held you, loved you and cared for you, was the best gift I ever got.

Humbled

I felt really humbled last night.  I felt humbled as I realized just how much Preston has made an impact on other people's lives.  I felt proud of how much his little life has brought a ray of sunshine into the lives of my friends and family.  I am one proud mama.

We were on our way to poker when we saw a very faint rainbow, but nonetheless, it made me think of Preston.  As hubby didn't quite understand the meaning of a "rainbow baby", I explained to him that I think that babies who are conceived after a loss, are like a rainbow after a storm.  It's a symbol of hope.  Preston was a rainbow baby and he loved colors so it feels natural for rainbows to remind me of my son.

After I posted the picture of the faint rainbow on Facebook, I received several notifications from friends where I had been tagged in a rainbow picture.  Jamie, Tina and Jon, thank you for sharing that the rainbows you saw made you think of Preston.  It really means so much to me to be a witness to how my baby continues to live on through my thoughts and especially, so many people's thoughts.  It means a lot to me that you hold him close to your heart, and in return you are holding Brett and I close to you as well.

This isn't the first time I've been witness to how others think of Preston when they see a rainbow, or bunnies.  Sherri has sent me a rainbow picture, as has Cynthia.  Dana has sent me pictures of a bunny.  I've been witness to Charles pointing to a rainbow saying, "Preston", while Kate says, "where's the bunny?".

To many people, it might sound silly, but to me, it really sunk in yesterday that you guys really do think of Preston and remember him and smile when you see a rainbow and bunnies.  Many people might say, well rainbows and bunnies are everywhere, it's not really a "sign".  That thought actually crosses my mind all the time.  But you know what, it is a sign.  It is a sign that he is living on through all of us.  It is a sign that his life really is spreading happiness around the world.  It is a sign, that there was a beautiful purpose to his life even if it was cut incredibly short.  It is a sign that, as long as we are willing, he will be there to remind us, that while life can be difficult, there's always something to smile amount.

All this was reinforced by this little feather on our deck this morning.  Beautiful, little white feather... like that from a tiny angel.  Thank you all for keeping Preston close to your heart. <3