Thanksgiving and memories

This time last year, I was standing in the parking lot at Target, waiting for them to open the doors for the Black Friday sales.  My intentions weren't to go shopping on Black Friday.  I had a newborn at home.  But he weighed just over 4 pounds, and he was so little that we couldn't have him sleep in his crib.  So I ventured off to Target to buy a bassinet.  It was cold, and there were so many people.  The line looped around the parking lot.  I found the perfect bassinet and somehow was able to have a clerk go check in the back if there were some, as there weren't any on the store floor.  It took awhile, as I'm sure the clerk was interrupted several times by mobs of customers.  I was lucky; there was one left in stock!  The clerk brought it to the customer service desk as I went to look for a couple more items, since I didn't have a cart.  They were all taken.  I remember buying at least another thing, not sure what.

The clerk at customer service was so nice and let me check out there, instead of making me head to the check out line where hundreds of people were standing.  I count my stars that he allowed me that courtesy.  An extra hour or two with my son, which to most people doesn't seem like a lot but to me, it's equivalent to years since I only got 16 weeks with him.

Brett set up the bassinet, and Preston slept in our room for a good 2 months.  In the middle of the night, I'd feed him in the rocking chair that is still in his nursery.  After he'd eaten, and burped, I would rock him, or read to him, or sing to him.  I'd play lullabies for him, they would play from his swing as I rocked him in my arms.  There were nights, where he'd be asleep but as soon as I put him down in his bassinet, he would wake up and cry.  I found this one lullaby on YouTube, and would play it from my tablet, as I rocked the bassinet until he would fall asleep.  I did that for about 3 weeks, I think.

Today is Thanksgiving.  A day to be with family and celebrate all that we are thankful for.  I have a lot to be thankful for.  I know it.  I've written about it countless times.  It doesn't make it easier though.  Thanksgiving will forever be a monumental milestone for Preston - he came home.  Although his stay in the NICU was short, it was still terrifying.  The doctors and nurses were wonderful and their words comforted us - "Preston is in the NICU for the best of reasons; He's just really small, and needs to get a little stronger so that he cane control his own temperature and have enough energy to eat."  He did just that.  Everyone was pulling for him, and a Thanksgiving blessing - he came home that day.  We had a small feast at our house, as Brett's parents, his sister Erin and fiance Jason had come over with delicious food.

Today, I'm once again thankful for the 16 weeks I had with my son.  I don't understand why he had to go.  I never will.  I don't know that I'll ever really get fully past that.  I know he's in good hands, though I feel he'd be in better hands with me.  Is that wrong to say?  I am not trying to defy God, or say that I don't trust Him.  I do, I'm just still oh so hurt by the loss of my precious baby.  I'm still raging mad inside that Preston had to be one of the precious babies that didn't get to see his first birthday.  I'm still grieving.  I will be forever.  Ironically, I find comfort in that very notion - I will grieve forever, because that is how deep the love I felt for him, how deep the love I still feel for him.

I'm thankful for memories, even when they make me sad.  They are good memories.  Happy memories, and they are only made hard, because Preston is no longer here.  They are made difficult, because on such a family day, his presence is missed.  Holidays to me are family time, and something just feels off without him, even if we only had him for one Thanksgiving, one Christmas and one New Year.  One day at a time.  One holiday at a time.  One moment at a time.  You will make it through.  I'm still standing.

A way out

I was thankful for our group meeting yesterday.  Our topic was the upcoming holiday season, which for me, also includes a slew of birthdays including my own, my husband and our son's.  As I'm sure I've said before, the anticipation of certain days or holidays can be very tough.  There are days, occasions that you dream of.  You envision the details of these special days, like birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, Easter, etc.  What would Preston be doing? What would we buy him?  What would he like?

You anticipate, imagine and drive yourself crazy with these details, these mental pictures that will never be.  And then you anticipate how you will feel on those days, where your dreams are now null and void.  For some, like me, I've learned that the anticipation is worse than the actual day.  I've done a lot of this visualizing.  I've awaited for the worst.  Now, I feel like I've already lived the worst day of my life.  Nothing can be worse.  I'm trying to not anticipate too much.  Trying to take it a day at a time, a moment at a time.

The thing is though, there's no win-win possibilities here.  If I don't anticipate, I might just end up getting him by a mac-truck of emotions on a certain "special" day.  If I don't anticipate, I might just lose it altogether on Thanksgiving, Preston's birthday or Christmas.  Or I might not.

A way out.  That was one of the things we discussed at group yesterday.  That might mean, skip out on one of these occasions, or all, if you need to.  Go for a walk if all you need is a moment to yourself.  If you are out of town, rent a hotel, a car, and go there if you need to.  Stay home and spend it with your significant other, or immediate family.  Ask that the tradition of saying what you are thankful for this year is skipped.

I don't know how I will feel on Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Or Preston's birthday.  I won't be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We'll be at Brett's parents house.  I know we have a guest room there, where I can go to be by myself should I feel the need.  I know I can go for a nature walk if that might make me feel better.  I know, I can ask Brett to take me home, if all else fails.  It's just an hour and a half away, weather permitting.

Whatever the case may be, if you've lived through a traumatic experience, know that you don't need to force yourself through these family oriented holidays.  Your family will be happy to see you, but they will understand if what you need is to be alone.  Or if what you need is to be constantly in their presence.  There is no right or wrong way.  Just know, that it's okay to have an escape plan, if that is what you need.  You just have to do what feels right for you, and what will help you move forward.

Have you ever had a difficult holiday season?  What did you do to cope?  Could you have benefited from a way out?

Happy Thoughts/Moments

I was warned after yesterday's meeting that this week and the next might be difficult because thinking about the day we lost our babies just brings all those memories rushing back.  Quite honestly, I kind of feel like the year is just going to get more difficult as we get deeper and deeper into it.  November is when all our birthdays are, Brett, Preston and I.  Thanksgiving will be just after.  Thanksgiving is when we took our baby home from the NICU last year.  Thanksgiving is a family holiday, which I was looking forward to with Preston.  And then Christmas will be around the corner.  And then it'll be the beginning of next year, and then March...

But I don't want to drown into depression.  I don't want to lose myself in my pain.  I want to remember my son, and I don't want to cry every time I do so.  I think I've done a pretty good job at that so far... not that I'm quite sure how.  I want to be happy, and not feel guilty for feeling to happy.  So I think, perhaps the way to do so, is to start with happy thoughts. Hopefully that will evolve into some happy moments, and perhaps that will then morph into happy days, one day.

Hopefully this isn't too redundant for a post.  I've talked about finding happiness in the small things in one of my first posts.  I don't want to repeat those things, so I hope not to, forgive me if I do.  I found happiness today when my husband sent me flowers at work again.  Isn't he great?  They are as vibrant as they are beautiful.  Yellow roses, red tulips and purple iris'.  Ah Iris... there's another thing that makes me happy.  Remember that song I talked about the other day?  While, it can have such sad interpretations, it also reminds me of my unique bond with Preston, and not much can bring me more happiness.

I'm watching America's Got Talent again, and while I don't always love the back stories they do on people, some people's journeys are really touching and gives hope for humanity.  Some performances just make me smile and fill me with happiness.  Magic acts that make you go, "waaaaa, how'd he do that??".  It takes you into a totally different world.  Perhaps we'll see one when we go to Vegas later this year.

My cat, Acro, is being lovey at the moment, hardly letting me type.  He's on my lap as is my laptop.  He keeps getting jealous and nips at my wrists or tries to grab my arm altogether.  "Pay attention to me, he says!"  While there's nothing like the love of your child, the love our pets can show us can be so special.  Our cats are indoor cats so they don't know much about the world.  They cower away so easily.. but they love us so unconditionally... when they want.  They're cats after all!  "Rub my belly, but just twice or I'll scratch the living daylights out of you".  ;)

Well, I don't want to give all my happy thoughts away in one day.  But these things made me happy today and have a potential to make me happy again - by just thinking about these things, or seeing them, or living them.  If I can think of so many happy thoughts in one day, perhaps there is hope for me after all.  What made you happy today?  Do you have favorite happy thoughts or moments?