Shining brightly up above

On day 27 of my 30 days of gratitude challenge, I am grateful for the stars.  They shine in the darkness that is night.  They remind us of how large the universe really is.  And there's always a chance you just might see a shooting star to make a wish upon.

How peaceful is a night of star gazing?  Little sparkles of light.  Friends of the moon.  Another marvelous wonder to look at.  I read on another blog that there will be a blood moon soon.  Actually, I just looked it up and it should be on October 7th or 8th.  I don't recall seeing a blood moon.  Sounds like a perfect night to get my camera out.  I don't think I've taken it out since we lost Preston.  All the pictures I've shared were either taken with my phone or pictures I already had taken.  Sounds silly that I haven't touched my camera right?  Last picture I took with it was of my son.  I haven't really wanted to use it since, but there is so much beauty to be captured out there.  I've been thinking about taking an online class on how to take better pictures, or something like that.  I see so many beautiful pictures taken by friends.  I wish I could take some breathlessly dazzling pictures.

I read this quote one night when I was first grieving.  Somehow reading quotes about infant loss and grief was helpful even though it was awfully painful to read.  This one stuck with me:

Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

 This quote has stayed with me since those first couple weeks, and while I don't gaze at the stars often, while I know it isn't true thanks to science.  While I can't fathom there's any truth in this hopeful quote, it provides comfort nonetheless and I just can't help thinking Preston is giving me a smile when I see the shiniest of stars in the night sky.

Picture Perfect

The sunrise this morning was beautiful.  It made me feel calm, it gave a nice start to the week.

Tonight was our support group meeting and the subject was regret, guilt and anger.  I've felt all these emotions.  Sometimes independently, sometimes all together.  I've written about guilt a lot and while sharing my thoughts about it helps, it always finds a way to creep back.  We had a small group tonight, just 6 of us and so it was easy to go on different tangents once we'd shared what we needed about the subject of the night.  I found out something rather interesting.  While, I am able to look at pictures of Preston every day, and even occasionally a video, many of the other parents can't.

Therefore on day 17 of my 30 days of gratitude challenge, I am thankful for pictures.  Not exclusively photographs of Preston, but in large part yes.  I'm a very visual person.  I don't strive as well without first seeing how to do it.  I don't have the best memory in the world, and pictures help me recall memories more easily. I wouldn't remember the things I remember about my grandmother if it wasn't for photographs.  I wouldn't remember certain summer vacations, but pictures often trigger certain memories.  While we shouldn't spend our lives taking so many pictures that we miss the experience, photographs can make such an impact on your life. 

Additionally, some pictures can be inspiring.  Pictures can be the source of hope.  Coupled with words, they can be motivating, comforting.  They can be just plain beautiful, and be a symbol of serenity.  They can stimulate your other senses.  They can make you think.

I know that with time, memories start to fade.  I already can't remember Preston's cry, but thankfully I have videos of him cooing and giggling or at least his version of it.  I'm thankful for the pictures of him when he was really small, all the way to when he was starting to be a little chubby like a baby should be.  I'm so grateful for the videos and pictures I took.  I only have so many, and I can't get any more but I can't express how grateful  I am.  And I'm even more grateful that I can look at them.  Sure, there are days where it makes me cry.  But seeing that beautiful smile, can simply brighten up my day.  Hopefully it can brighten up just about anyone's day.

I feel blessed that for whatever reason, I am able to look at those pictures.  I know Brett isn't there, and it seems like several other parents aren't either.  And it certainly not because they don't want to look at their precious little one - the memories and the visual stimulation is just too hard to take - much like how I feel about thinking about the day we lost him.  Some people can share that story.  I can't.  I can't go there, allow my mind to go there.

We all heal differently.  I write.  I read about other experiences.  I allow the pain to creep through when it needs to, but I don't allow it to consume me.  I concentrate on the happy memories.  I try to smile to honor my happy boy gone too soon.  It works for me today.  It may not work in a couple months.  I don't know what the future holds, but all I can do is take it a day at a time and do what helps me feel like I'm continuing on a mending path.  How do you heal?