Positive distractions

I know what you are thinking.. I'm obsessed with the black & white color pop option from Adobe Photoshop.  You would be correct... I think it makes for really sweet pictures!


I recently saw a picture that listed positive distractions and I thought it would be a healing experience to list things that I would consider to be good diversions.  It would be a good list to read every now and then.  Possibly a valuable listing for others in search of something that isn't destructive when they need a moment of escape.  This is my attempt at it anyway.

• Make a nice cup of tea.  Add honey and lemon if you like.  I've never been unhappy sipping a cup of hot tea with lemon and honey.
• Take a nature walk.  This can be a simple walk in a park or a small clearing.  Take in the beauty of the flowers and trees.  If it is wintertime, breathe in the cool air, and admire a fresh patch of snow.  If all else fails, lay in the grass and just take deep breaths.
• Draw a hot bath.  Add scented oils or crystals and light a few candles.  A most relaxing ritual for me.  And if you need to cry... a hot bath can be a wonderful place to do it.  No one to see you, no one to judge you.
• Bake cookies.  Everyone loves a good cookie.  It doesn't have to be complicated, get a simple package of Betty Crocker Sugar Cookie Mix and some cookie icing and you are good to go.  Once cookies are baked, eat a cookie!
• Watch a sporting event - a hockey game or baseball game can be a good distraction for a couple hours.  Invest yourself into cheering for your favorite teams.
• Watch a talent show like "The Voice" or even "Dancing with The Stars" where everyone is happy.  I always smile when I watch "The Voice" because it's nice to see people attempting to fulfill their dream of making it as a singer.  I always smile because Adam Levine and Blake Shelton's bickering makes me giggle.  I can't decide who I like more!!!!
• Write.  Let it flow.  Whatever comes out, perhaps you just need to release it, even if it's just a file that remains saved on your desktop for no one to ever read, even yourself.
• Cuddle.  With your significant other.  With a pet.  With your children.  With your best friend.
• Dine out with a friend.  Doesn't have to be at a fancy restaurant, a simple homemade meal can be just what you need.
• Listen to happy, "poppy" songs - Pharell's "Happy", Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA", "I Knew You Were Trouble" by Taylor Swift, or maybe even her most recent "Shake It Off".  These are the songs that came to mind first, but I'm sure you have your favorites!
• Dance.  Add a layer to listening to those happy songs.  Let loose and dance away in your living room.  Feeling crazy, open the blinds and let the neighbors watch, LOL.
• Read a good book.  
• If the time is right, look at pictures of Preston.. especially ones where he is similing.
• Call up someone you haven't talked to in a while. Just because.
• Watch the sunrise, or the sunset.
• Plant a garden.

What makes your list of positive distractions?  Could you see doing something on this list that would help clear your head when you are having a rough go?

Positively February: Day 21

"Never fear shadows.  They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby."

I've often said, grief walk hand in hand with guilt.  It follows you like a shadow.  You wonder what you could have done differently to prevent your loss.  You ponder if you made the right decisions.  You evaluate every single action.  You torture yourself with questions you probably will never have answers to.

This shadow, I wish it would leave my side.  I wish it would exit my mind.  Yet, it does not.  Or usually not for extended periods of time.

Grief brings sadness.  Again this sadness is always chasing you like your shadow does, as you try to run away from it.  It is ready to creep up on you without a moment's notice.  We were watching a show today, and one of the character's mom passed away in her sleep.  That sent me for a loop.  That's what happen to Preston.  He took a nap and never woke up.  At least, I hope that's what happened since we don't really know for sure since the nanny had left him alone.  I would imagine, at least, this is a peaceful way to go.

Grief brings a lot of emotions and thoughts that will try to pull you into darkness.  These strong, often negative emotions lurk in the shadows ready to pounce on you when you are vulnerable, or more vulnerable.  I imagine, that these dark feelings and ideas will always be somewhere nearby.

Despite the shadows though, we always have the power to let the light in.  We can allow positivity into our lives and concentrate on the good memories, however few they may be.  We can remind ourselves that while the guilt is there, deep inside, we know we did EVERYTHING we could.  And the sadness?  Well the sadness, it exists because the love was so great.  The love will always be there.  Your child lives in your heart forever.  And if that's not a symbol of a light shining somewhere nearby, I don't know what is.

Positively February: Day 19

"No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, you can always turn around."

I hopped on the wrong train on my way home.  I didn't realize, until I was just about at the end of the line, having gone East instead of South.  Oops!  Thankfully, the trains run pretty often around rush hour and I was home just 30 minutes later.  This train and mine look alike and have the same route, until one keeps going South, while the other forks East.  I was listening to Pandora, and so enthralled in my game of Solitaire that I didn't notice until I looked up to get an idea of how close we were getting, that I was not where I should be.

This prompted me to find a different quote than what I'd planned out at lunch time.  We all, at some point, take the wrong turn.  I've done it many times.  Sometimes it takes you some place wonderful that you wouldn't have stumbled upon otherwise.  Sometimes, you are forced down a road you don't want to go down.  And while you can't erase going down that road, you can most certainly turn back.

Everyone experiences life differently, sees it in their own unique way.  For the first several months of grieving, I needed something to do.  I worked, and worked and worked.  I don't need that constant distraction anymore, I've gone down a new path of healing.  It took me a while to get there.  It will take others less time, or more time.  There's no set pace.  It's not a race to the finish.  And I'm not saying that burying myself into work was the "wrong" way to grieve either.  I just found a new path to go down.

Take the road less traveled when possible.  It might be the wrong path.  It might turn into the right path.  Keep in mind though, if it is the wrong path, or it feels wrong, it's never a problem to turn right back around.  I invite you to attempt allowing positivity into your life even if it is a difficult time.  If it doesn't feel right, you will have tried.  And you can try again later.  If it doesn't feel right for now, it's not the wrong answer to turn around.

Positively February: Day 8

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" - Confucius

So you probably think I'm redundant as this goes hand in hand with my mantra - "One day at a time, one step at a time".  That's how important I think it is for us to set small goals especially when you are dealing with the unthinkable, but even if you aren't.  You can't reach the goal without taking steps first.  You can't cross the finish line before crossing the start line.

We often set too many goals at once, or goals that are too ambitious.  Maybe it would be a good idea to set a goal, and then set objectives within that goal.  For example, I want to do a good thorough spring cleaning in the house.  I could say, I want it done by the end of February, or even March, and that could be really unrealistic.  I'm away from the house for basically 12 hours every weekday.  Instead, these are my objectives - one room per weekend.  And if something comes up one weekend where I can't get it done, then so be it.  Whether that "something" be that we're going away for the weekend, or that I'm grieving too hard another.

One foot in front of the other.  One small step at a time.  I truly am on a journey of a thousand miles.  More likely, an endless journey.  By embracing positivity, by allowing healing into my life, and by taking things slow, I hope to make this journey less painful to go through.  For me, for others around me.  For others, who might be able to do the same.

Preston, thank you for helping me keep this attitude, when the biggest part of me, wants nothing to do with positivity and moving forward.  I couldn't do it without having you in my life, in my heart.

Positively February: Day 5

"The soul always knows what to do to heal itself.  The challenge is to silence the mind." - Caroline Myss

I had to look up who Caroline Myss is, unlike Helen Keller who didn't need an introduction.  Caroline  Myss is an american best-selling author who describes herself as a "medical intuitive" and "a mystic".  This is what I found on Wikipedia anyway.  Regardless of what she calls herself, I really like this quote.

"The soul always know what to do to heal itself."  I suppose that's true.  You often become weak when deeply wounded.  You become tired and you sleep a lot more.  Your thoughts become cloudy as the body attempts to protect the mind, the heart.  You look for answers.  You are moved by the simple gestures, and sometimes simply the whisper of the wind.  You become more in tune with your emotions.  The pettiness around you no longer matters.

At least, that's how it worked for me.  As every individual is different, every soul is distinct in it's own very way.  Hopefully suggestions don't hurt though, and you can attempt a few to see how it feeds your soul.  How it possibly heals your being.

• On your day off, just lay in bed and listen to the sounds of nature early in the morning.  The chirps of the birds.  The soft wind.  The leaves swaying in the trees.
• Take a nature walk.  It doesn't have to be in a field, or forest.  It can be in a simple little park.  Admire the beauty that radiates from all that is living.  And I know, living things, can be a tough concept to grasp.
• Lay in the grass and notice all that is around you.  The vast sky.  The grass beneath you.
• Slow down
• Think about good times.  Cherish those moments.

Those are just a few things to try.

"The challenge is to silence the mind."  Ain't that the truth!  I struggle with my mind a lot.  It keeps trying to push me in directions I don't want to go.  It keeps challenging my faith.  Over and over.  And again.  It keeps wanting answers.  It attempts to bring out the anger that is buried slightly below the surface.  It attacks my healing journey and can make it collapse like a house of cards.

I was blindsided today.  I was looking for something that I knew was among the sympathy cards we received after Preston passed.  I'd forgotten how voluminous this mountain of cards was.  Among them, also a handful of cards celebrating Preston's arrival.  The sheer number of cards, coupled with the reminder of what true happiness felt like.  It was enough to make my head spin.  Moments later, it was hubby who was thrown into a downward spiral, as he needed to get Preston's social security card from his nursery for our tax return.  Because he had to declare Preston as deceased.  The reminders never end do they?

Thankfully we have each other.  We're there when the other struggles.  We often ride this roller coaster ride together though we aren't always in the same car.  And I have a huge support system which includes all my readers.  And everyone, no matter what you are going through - you are not alone.  Remember that when your mind goes to dark places.  

Perhaps what I'm trying to say by all this, as my husband didn't quite understand why this quote was positive - your brain will continue to think about the darkness, the emptiness and the sadness.  The key is to steer it into another direction.  Don't take the "silence the mind" too literally  but rather concentrate on the positives.  For me, as difficult as it is - I concentrate on the 16 weeks I had with Preston.  For baby H, who I only carried for 9 weeks, I cherish those 9 weeks.  How they made me feel.  How amazing seeing the sonogram for the first time felt.  And to a certain extent, I reflect on how the loss made me feel.  The deep emptiness and pain - it showed me a whole new side of love.  And nobody, no thought, no nothing, will ever, ever take that away from me.  My children changed me for the better and that's the most positive thing that could have ever happened to me.

Positively February: Day 1

Well February is here!  I've looked at so many positive sayings and thoughts since losing Preston, and so many of them touched me and helped me heal as I reflected upon them.  I hope that by sharing some of these, you find some healing too.

I found this positive thought, and it seems to be perfect for starting us off:

Get up, dress up, show up & never give up

One of the hardest things after losing your child is just getting up and going about your day.  Your routine has just been shot to hell and not only are you emotionally shattered but you are also disoriented. Nothing seems real.  Nothing makes sense.  Time seems to stand still but the clock keeps on ticking.

This phrase reminds me that of my new motto: one day at a time, one step at a time.  It takes a lot of willpower to get up every day, especially those first couple months.  Just getting up, out of bed, is a step taken towards the healing path.  If it's all you can do for weeks, or months, consider it an accomplishment.  It truly is.

When you feel up to it, take the next step and get dressed.  Do your hair, or make-up.  If you are up for it, all of it.  Taking these small steps, one at a time, will help you build a new routine.  It'll be difficult the first times, but it'll get easier with time, and repetition.  I strongly believe that routine helps with establishing a healthy healing path.  It gives your mind something to expect, something to concentrate on.  It gives your body a pattern to follow, and your body needs the routine too.

I will take the phrase literally and say that the next step is showing up, though it doesn't have to be.  Throw yourself back into social situations when you feel up for it.  It will be difficult and being in a crowd can be filled with triggers - moments or things that remind you of the loss, the pain and what you once had.  Showing up can mean telling yourself you will go, with an open ended option to leave at anytime.  It can mean trying to go, but turning around when you are halfway there.  One day, you will make it to the door and walk through.  And it'll feel okay.  The triggers won't be as intense.  One small step at a time, is all you have to do.

Never give up.  I don't have a choice to give up, life didn't stop even if it feels like it did.  The first weeks, months were incredibly difficult.  Difficult really doesn't begin to explain how painful it was to go through.  It's still "difficult", but I suppose the pain is less intense.  This doesn't mean I love my son less than I did 10 months ago.  It just means that my heart and mind have come to accept what has happened.  Doesn't mean I like it.  It doesn't mean I want to accept it.  It doesn't mean that any morning is easy to awaken from.  I've come to appreciate everything in my life a lot more though, and that's a blessing.  Not something I asked for.  It came at a high price.  I'd exchange this appreciation back for my son any day.

The lesson here is that we all have survival in us.  It's in our blood, because really when you have no other choice, your body and your mind will go into survival mode - as long as you allow yourself to it.  Just take it a moment at a time.  Survival isn't a race.  It's not a competition.  It's about overcoming the worse possible thing that can happen to you, and finding a way to continue on.  For me, it's been appreciating the blessing that Preston was in my life, for the short time he was with us.  It's been sharing my son's smile with the world.  It's been sharing my experience, in the hopes of helping someone.  And I'm proud of my son for taking me down this path.  His smile reminds me every day that happiness exists, even in the darkest of times.  You just have to take it a day, or a moment at a time.

Positively February - Coming Soon

As March approaches more rapidly than I'd like to admit, I become more and more anxious.  I don't look forward to reaching the milestone that marks 1 year since I last held my baby boy.  I've said it many times, if I could, I would erase the date from the calendar altogether.

I'm not a magician, or omnipotent, and therefore making a day disappear is not a talent of mine.  Too bad.  That'd be pretty satisfying right about now.  As I read my friend Krystal's blog entry today, about the random acts of kindness her friends, family and strangers did to honor her twin boys on the day they were born and died, two things struck me:

One of my goals as your mother is to not let your memory be grief.

What an amazing concept.  I want that.  It sounds really difficult, but I really, really want that.  I felt awful a couple of hours ago.  I was at the doctor's office, for my Remicade treatment, and asked if they would take my blood pressure 3 times in the span of 5-10 minutes.  I applied for more insurance at work.  Because I've had and have medical issues, they asked that I fill out a couple questionnaires and the blood pressure one included having recent readings at 5-10 minute intervals... anyway, I had to explain that.  When I got the look from the nurse (who was really kind by the way) that said "you're in your 30s, why do you have blood pressure issues", I explained how I had pre-eclampsia and how my BP was abnormal for 8-10 months.  Anywho, later as she was about to stick an IV into my arm, she asked about my baby and I let her know he passed away.  The look on her face was of complete devastation - like she regretted asking.  I felt bad for being truthful.  I felt sad because I miss my son.  I felt really vulnerable too.

I am probably still a little on edge from last night.  I attended a rosary for one of my colleagues' father who passed away last week.  I wanted to be there for her, like so many people were for me when Preston passed.  I knew I couldn't attend the funeral which was today, since I had my Remicade appointment, so I attended with Jocelyn who was super nice to drive me and give me the flexibility to not go should I not feel up to it at the last minute.  The rosary was held at a funeral home, the same company, different location, that handled Preston's memorial and cremation.  That notion itself was rather difficult, but again, I really wanted to be there for my friend.  For the most part, I think I dealt with the ceremony with dignity.  I struggled with seeing the open casket, as the embalming reminded me of the last time I saw Preston.  The same pale, artificial look.  I had to look away the whole time.

There were a couple things the priest said that hit me pretty hard.  About baptism, which I hadn't taken the time to do for Preston yet.  I'd started looking into it, but probably not enough.  Brings up complicated thoughts like - Preston wasn't baptised, does that mean he didn't go to heaven?  "Unless a man be born again of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kindgom of heaven".  That's probably what struck me the most.  Praying about ascension to heaven and the kingdom of God was difficult.  I really, really want my baby boy to be there.  I really, really hope that my transgressions are forgiven and that I also get to go to heaven so that I can be with my son again.

Needless to say, a lot has been on my mind lately... as March approaches, as I try to support friends through loss.  Death is always so hard to understand, accept and live with.  Loss is just quite literally difficult however you look at it.

I guess I'm writing a novel today...  To get back to Krystal's blog entry, the next thing that stuck with me is this:

They say that it takes a village to raise a child.  I can't tell you if that is true or not (...).  But what I can tell you is this - it takes a community of people to keep a memory alive.  I cannot do it on my own.  You have all helped me to keep Conner and Benjamin alive in the hearts of so many.

So much truth exists in this statement.  I too feel that so many have helped me keep Preston's memory alive, like so many have done the same for Krystal's boys.  I'm so thankful for this.  So incredibly humbled whenever someone mentions Preston to me.  The memory of him isn't completely grief.  There is a lot of happiness when I think of Preston.  Thinking of Preston, doesn't mean I need to concentrate on the loss, or his death.  I can honor his memory by smiling, appreciating life, and helping others through difficult times or just because.

And so, if you were wondering about the title of my blog entry, here it is.  During the month of February, on as many days as possible, I'd like to share a positive thought of the day that might inspire, a positive concept that can be built on, a positive experience that gives hope, or anything else relating to positivity.  As March approaches, I'm going to need all the positivity I can get, and why not share it with as many people as I can?

I invite you to share positive thoughts of the day, concepts or experiences.  I will be sure to select some, if not all, depending on how many responses I get.  As always, you are welcome to comment via Facebook, on this blog or via email - tsunaze1@gmail.com

Hopefully, I can make it a month filled with positivism, for you, for me, for all.

The road less traveled

I think it was bring your baby to the grocery store day.  I saw every single one, and I have to admit that after five, it started being a little tough.  I don't like to hide away from babies, or pregnant women, or anything baby related.  I don't exactly seek it out, as I still avoid the baby aisles at the store, but I don't like to totally close myself off to it.  I don't think it's healthy for me, and I don't think I'd be doing myself a favor, because one day, I would have to face a baby, and it would just be totally devastating.  Not every encounter I have is devastating but there are days, like today, when the reminders are so constant, that it does get to me.  

So, on my way home, I decided to take the scenic route home, instead of the straight shot highway.  The road less traveled.  I was blessed to see a snow capped mountains, a deer grazing, golfers enjoying the lovely Sunday weather, and people working hard to stay in shape - jogging, bicycling.  It allowed my mind to concentrate on happiness that exists around me.  Seeing babies made me think about what I've lost, but seeing everything else, reminded me that life can be wonderful.  Those babies have loving families just like Preston did.  The endless sight of babies shouldn't make me sad.  

I like to think I'm taking the road less traveled, by embracing the positives in life, the brightness that Preston brought to my life.  I try very hard to remember what I am grateful for every day, and try to discover the beauty that exists in our world.  Appreciate the small things in life.  Take a detour on the way home.  Take the scenic route like we did when we went to Cooperstown.  It was amazing, even if it took 20 extra minutes.  

So take the road less traveled.  It can be so refreshing.

Taking my own advice isn't always simple

I must have gone crazy...I'm taking pictures of a cucumber!! Fruit of my own labor though.  This cucumber grew in Preston's garden, and tonight as the frost starts to approach, I harvested one of the four cucumbers that I planted in June.  I was at the supermarket earlier today, as I usually am on Sundays and saw a salad in the deli counter as I was waiting for my cold cuts.  It was a cucumber orzo and spinach salad with red onions.  I was inspired.  I could make my own!  So, I did.  I gathered a cucumber, some parsley, oregano and basil.  I was going to pick one of my red onions, but it would seem that they didn't really grow.  I'll have to research why not.  Kind of bummed about it.  Oh well, I had onions in the house.  While the orzo pasta cooked, I diced the cucumber and a third of an onion.  I made my own herb vinaigrette using the herbs I picked earlier, some oil, garlic and red wine vinegar.  And it was delicious.  A nice light meal, for a hot day.  A nice light meal, as I once again have the willpower to try to lose weight.  One of my few insecurities is my weight.  I miss the way I looked five years ago.

I read the blog entry of a friend, an angel mom, just before starting my entry.  With Blogger, you can easily follow other blogs written through Blogger.  I saw the new entry and wanted to read it immediately.  In her blog, she wrote about my blog.  Wow!! How touching is that?  To feel like I'm somehow making a difference is mind-blowing to me.  All I've wanted to do was touch one person, and I'm starting to see that I'm helping more than just one.  All that because of Preston.

My friend Josilyn, admitted that my blog helps her face the truth.  In doing so, she made me realize that I should do the same.  I should be able to take my own advice, follow my own philosophies, live by what I believe in.  It's ever so easy to fall into the traps of grief - burden oneself with guilt, allow the anger to boil over, take your frustrations out on others, detach from others, allowing defeat to overtake you.  This appears to be more prevalent when I let insecurities squeeze their way into my life.  Or if I let negativity into my mind.  I realize that my last few blog entries have had a rather negative tone to them.  It's never my intention to go down that path, and I realize that it will happen from time to time.  The fact is, I didn't have a bad weekend.  I didn't struggle with my loss more than any other day.  I enjoyed a lot of time with my husband - watched hockey on Friday, watched a movie right after.  Spent the day together yesterday, along with his parents who came to visit.  We watched another movie yesterday.  And my fantasy football loving husband watched football for most of the day, as he was feeling a little under the weather, and I got to spend again, most of the day just relaxing with him.

So why the negative tone in my entries?  I didn't plan to write about it, but I want to take my own advice. I have nothing to hide, and I want to help others.  One of the forums I frequent on a consistent basis was littered with negativity this weekend.  I've had success in the past as a mediator on forums.  When I was a "counselor" in my World of Warcraft guild, "The Infinite", I was often able to defuse tense situations/discussions.  I'm usually able to keep my composure and have had ease with remaining politically correct (I get that from my Dad).  When you're in a group of 300 people, or any number of people really, there are bound to be rules that don't appeal to everyone.  Some might actually rub people the wrong way.  That's kind of what was going on this weekend.  There are some rules in place in order to provide a safe haven for women who are still heavily grieving their babies.  These rules were pointed out to some members and since tone is so difficult to discern in written format, they were taken the wrong way.  I tried to intervene and while I didn't get blasted directly, I felt accused of being a "mean girl".  Maybe I misinterpreted it, it's highly possible.  Like I said, it's hard to capture the tonality others are trying to convene through their posts.  Nonetheless, there was a lot of negativity, I felt vulnerable and I totally let it affect my mood.  Being labeled that way rubbed me the wrong way.  I don't have an ounce of mean in me, at least that's the way I feel.  Plus it felt very clear to me: we are all grieving the loss of a baby, we are all hurting.  Why in God's name would we want to inflict additional pain on the only people who understand us.  Why would we want to cause more hurt to others who are obviously already dealing with the intense, unfair pain of losing their baby?

I was never the popular girl, not that it was ever really something I strived for.  There were a lot of kids who would make fun of me, for whatever reason.  And yes, it did affect my self esteem for many, many years.  I'm over it now.  I tend to not care what people think about me.  I'm comfortable with who I am.  I'm a nice person.  I care for others.  I will always be nice to others, even if I can tell that they don't like me, whatever their reason may be.  I do have my limits though.  And negativity affects me, and allows those insecurities to come back sometimes even if most of the time, I feel like they've been banished from my life.

At the same time, I get it.  If they felt attacked, even if that's not what was going on, they felt the need to defend themselves.  Sometimes, the wrong suggestion can bring out that same negativity that I displayed this weekend, because it always lies beneath the surface when you are grieving.  Again, I get it.  They are in a bad spot having just lost their baby.  Maybe I was on the receiving end of their pain, their grief, their bad day.  I'm ok with that if it can be helpful to them, but I'm human too.  I have feelings that can easily be hurt. 

It's difficult.  I don't try to hide the sadness.  That's not what you see through my positivity.  I don't try to push the heartache down so that it one day explodes, in my face or the face of others.  I try to see the goodness that having Preston in my life has brought me, that it has brought to others.  Others who either were lucky enough to have met him, or who have grown to know and love him through my writing.  I was going to keep this story to myself, but my friend Josilyn, made me realize that I needed to.  I needed to, so that it was released from my soul.  I needed to so that maybe others realize that when suggestions are made, or when rules exist, they aren't there to make anyone miserable.  They are there to protect.  They are there to lower the chances of chaos.  And yes, there will always be people who break the rules.  Who doesn't?  If you do, you may get corrected, or a suggestion might be made.  Don't take it the wrong way.  No one is trying to protect just one individual, or a small group of individuals.  The community is what is being protected so that it remains the safe haven it was meant to be.

Josilyn, thank you for your blog entry tonight.  Thank you for making me face the music of my own beliefs, and allowing myself to release this negativity that was gnawing at my heart all weekend.  Jade, Chris and Serenity should be so proud of their mama.  You make a difference, and I hope that you know that <3