Since you've been gone

Dear Preston,

It's that awful day again.  It's been 4 years now, can you believe it?  I wonder if you are even aware of time passage in Heaven.  I hope you are surrounded by loved ones on this day.

I constantly wonder if you've grown or what it's like up there?  I've heard that in Heaven, there's no bodies and you're just a spirit or energy.  It doesn't stop me from wondering what you look like at 4 years old.  And what about your mind?  Do you instantly become aware of everything and can understand all my thoughts?  Or do you still have the mind of a four month old?

I don't know what to believe, but I know this.  You know when I need you.  I can feel it whenever I call out to you in my head.  Whenever I need reassurance, you send me some kind of sign.  For years, I've looked to see a license plate that would have your initials.  It made me feel like if I could see it, you would be telling me that you are thinking of me.

This weekend on the way back from swim class with your sister, there was a car in front of me with the following plate:  SWT PEA

Do you remember that I always called you Sweet P?  I think this is as close as I'm going to get.  Seeing it days just days before having to deal with today - it reminded me that you are with me wherever I go.  You keep me grounded.

I spent the day with your sister today.  We cuddled as we watched a variety of shows she enjoys.  We went shopping for some clothes for her.  She keeps growing!  I feel guilty whenever I have a thought along the lines of I wish she would stop growing or I wish she would stay a baby forever.  Because I know what it's like to have a baby stop growing.  I want her to have a long healthy life.  I wanted that for you too.

Without think about it, we ended up buying three articles of clothing with rainbows on it.  A Mickey/Minnie Mouse t-shirt that I thought was cute.  A t-shirt with a sequin heart and a rainbow within the heart.  And a rainbow striped dress - your sister picked that one herself with no help from me.  While Sami napped, I removed all the tags from the new clothes and was telling your dad how Sami picked that dress.  He said something that hadn't even occurred to me: that's interesting considering what today is.

I kept busy during her nap.  Probably one of the roughest nap times considering you passed during a nap on this dreadful day.  I meal prepped our slow cooker dinner for tomorrow.  Before I knew it, she was awake. 

I took her to the park which is her new favorite thing to do.  We were gone for over an hour.  She had fun going up to the slide and sliding down.  She liked going through the little tunnels they have on the playground.  She kept wanting to go say hi to Nemo, a plastic statue they have at the pool which is located next to the park.  He's gated in and the pool is closed so all she could do was wave to him through the fence.

We also went to the pet store so that she could see the fishies and any other animals that might be there.  I had wanted to take her to the zoo, but there just was too many other things I wanted to do.

She smiled a lot.  So did I.

It leaves me perplexed with how I feel today.  I've had happy moments for sure.  I've had moments where I've been sad.  I had trouble putting your sister down to sleep tonight.  She fell asleep so fast after having such a fun day.  I didn't want to let go.  I felt guilty for having fun without you.

Since you've been gone, those are feelings that I have almost every day.  And then I remember the rainbows, and the bunnies.  I remember that you want me to have happiness in my life, and I try so hard to have it.  Your sister makes it easy.  She's my sunshine.

Perhaps it's fitting that I say this is her song:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy, when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
No please don't take my sunshine away

It's my prayer every day.

I miss you terribly, but I know that you hear my prayer.  I know because she makes a sound in her sleep whenever I'm worried.  I see rainbows in unexpected places - a reflection on the floor as I walk into the office from the light catching the glass door at just the right angle.

I know you are with me as I continue this incredibly difficult journey without you.  But I still miss you, and I always will.  Thank you for being our guardian angel.

Thinking of you always,
-Mama

Positively February: Day 6

"Healing through giref is not about learning to STOP missing you.  It's about learning to live my life WHILE missing you."

These are wise words.  Unfortunately, many grieving parents hear words that would be better left unsaid: "Aren't you over it yet?", "At least he/she was only a few months old, it would have been worse if he/she was older", "You can have other kids", "You will move on, it just takes a bit of time".  I'm sure the intention behind these atrocities are nothing but good, but such statements as these are  terribly hurtful.  Children aren't interchangeable.  A child cannot replace another.  Age doesn't matter, once you are pregnant and long and love your baby, it's traumatic to live through a loss.  You don't move on, or get over it.  Ever.

The wise words above though, they speak the truth.  There is not a day that goes by where I don't miss Preston, think of Preston, and wonder what could have been.  As the time goes tick tock though, I am learning to live my life without him, while missing him.  Missing Preston is part of me now.  It will not go away, and that's perfectly okay.  I can smile and laugh.  I can have fun and relax.  This doesn't mean I'm not grieving.  This doesn't equate to having "moved on" or "being over it".  There's no "at least" in grief.  There's no "being over it" and there is no "moving on".  There is moving forward.  There is healing.

You may be the victim of some harsh words.  I hope with all my heart that I'm right and that if it does happen, the intention wasn't to be hurtful.  People just don't know what to say.  They think they are being helpful, not hurtful.  Losing your child isn't something you ever imagine, or should imagine.  And even if I were in a situation where I would have to say something to someone who lost a baby, I don't think I'd know what to say, and I may mistakenly utter a "at least".

If you have such words said to you, remember this quote.  You don't have to move on because society says you have to.  You don't have to get over it and return to your "old" self.  You will heal, but you will miss your baby forever.  And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. <3