All that I wanted

Last week, I had a conversation regarding what my hopes and dreams were for Preston.  While this may sound depressing, it was rather therapeutic because it's not a subject I get to talk about much.  It's not something people ask every day, or something someone would even think to ask because it would probably come off as insensitive.. which I can totally understand too.

It was a difficult topic to discuss, but at the same time, it felt so nice to talk about my son, even if it was about things he'd never do.  It's not like those thoughts go away.  In about a month, a whole year and a half will have passed since the last time I held him and every day, I continue to wonder, what he'd be like, what he'd be doing, how would he compare to other kids his age.

I spent years imagining what it would be like to have a child; what my expectations were as a parent, and what I'd do in certain situations.  While it was next to impossible for us to have a child for several years due to my health, these thoughts, these hopes for the future, I think they kept us going.  They gave me a reason to take control of what I could, in regards to my health.  I think that was one of the toughest realizations for me when Preston was gone.  Not only that he wasn't with us anymore, and that all my recent dreams for him had vanished into thin air, but all the hopes I'd built in my head, in my heart for years, simply were smashed to pieces.

And so, if you don't find this too depressing of a subject, I invite you to read on about the hopes and dreams I had in regards to Preston.  Feel free to share any aspirations, thoughts and dreams that you had for your child.  Or for yourself, that aren't possible because of unforeseen obstacles thrown in your path throughout your life.  Or for a loved one, gone too soon.


Before Preston was born, in early November 2013, we were shopping at BabiesRUs, I forget what for - baby monitor maybe?  Picking up his crib?  Halloween costumes were being liquidated, given that the holiday had just passed.  We looked through them, and landed on a 9 month old lion costume.  It was so precious and we decided to buy it.  His original due date was December 15, a 9 month old costume made perfect sense.  When he was born a good 5 weeks early, at 4 lbs 5 oz, I always wondered if he would fit into it by Halloween.  I figured, it probably would be a little loose, but oh well.  I couldn't wait to see him in it.  To this day, I still find myself trying to see his little face in that lion costume.

Every day, I would talk to Preston about what was going on around him.  What people were doing outside, what his dad was doing, what everything around him was.  So many times, we watched children sliding down the greenbelt behind our house.  It looked like so much fun, and I told Preston, that we'd be doing that next year.  I so looked forward to it.  I thought we'd make snow angels, and snowmen.  One day, I knew his dad would show him how to snowboard, and I'd be a nervous wreck.

During my pregnancy, we ha wandered to the park on the 4th of July.  There were a bunch of festivities.  Food trucks, barbecue, carnival games, and music.  For the next weeks, I anticipated bringing Preston for years to come, possibly along with our friends and their son, who was born 5 months before Preston.  Odd as it may seem for a Canadian, the fourth of July remains one of the toughest holidays for me to get through since losing Preston.  I strongly suspect, this dream, has a lot to do with it.

I'd hoped to teach him French in a few years.  Teaching him at a young age, I hoped he'd have a proficiency for it, like his mama (not like his dad who can hardly say "Hola" after 6 years of Spanish class).  I imagined he would have been great at math - after all, his dad is a human calculator, and I was never too shabby at math... there's a reason I'm in accounting right??

I imagined trying to help him through his first heartbreak.  Cuddling him, and trying to find a way to explain love to him.  I imagined him getting married to a nice girl.  She would have been lucky to have him as a husband.

I wondered if he'd have been an architect, or a doctor?  Or more likely, an analyst of some kind, in finance perhaps, like his parents.  Whatever his dream, I would have encouraged him and done whatever I can to help him achieve it, but in a way where he would have all the credit of his own merit.

I imagined him playing baseball with his dad.  Would he have thrown fastballs, or hit home runs, or both?

I envisioned him starting to talk at a ridiculously young age.  It sounds unreasonable, but I really thought he'd start saying words at 8 or 9 months. Maybe earlier.  From the moment he was born, he always had something to say, even if I couldn't understand it.  Maybe he knew the meaning of life :).  He was my little genius after all.

I always dreamed he'd be a wonderful big brother.  Teaching his younger sibling(s), and perhaps getting them into trouble too.  I  imagined him protecting a little sister...  I never imagined it would be from up above, as a guardian angel.  Now I'm not certain he's going to have a little sister, we'll know in a couple days though.  But I do know, this younger sibling, truly does have a guardian angel.  And I know this, because every time I have a serious worry (not that it's founded on anything but emotions), I know Preston sends me a sign to calm my nerves.  I rather have him with me, but, I couldn't ask for a better guardian angel.  I know he'll watch over his little brother or sister and that brings me a lot of peace.

There are so many dreams, that I can't even fathom listing them all.  I hope through them though, that you gotten to know Preston a little better.  For what he was, what he would have been, what I aspired him to be and really, for what he still is.  A bright star shining in the sky for his mama in times of need.

Feathered pillows

Day 21 of my 30 days of gratitude is here already.  I still have so many things to talk about, yet the mood has to be right.  The timing has to be perfect.  Today, I'm thankful for sleep.  I enjoy sleeping in, lounging in bed, taking it easy but not like I use to. 

For years I would sleep in until 10 or 11.  My body needed the extra sleep to fight off the inflammation caused by Crohn's disease.  I felt tired every day.  When Preston was born, Brett would take the first feeding of the day at 5:00am, allowing me to sleep for an extra 2 and a half hours.  My sleep was limited, but appreciated, and I didn't feel really tired too often.  It was amazing.  Especially considering all the stories you hear about having a newborn, being a first time parent.  I was expecting to always feeling sluggish and exhausted and it was nothing like that.  I had a few nights where I was really tired, but very few.

I've always had trouble falling asleep.  While it'll take Brett 15 seconds to fall asleep once his head hits the pillow, it takes me roughly 15 to 20 minutes.  It used to take me 30 to 45.  My mind was always going.  Thinking about this and that.  Worrying about everything and nothing.  Things changed in 2012 and the worrying decreased.  The thinking was still there, is still there.  I've been trying really hard though not to think too much late at night... except when I'm writing my blog entry.  If I let myself think too much at night, when I'm tired and more vulnerable, it's extremely effortless to let my mind fixate on my loss, on the sadness of everything that surrounds it.

When we first lost Preston, I couldn't sleep.  If I got 2 to 3 hours a night, that was a lot.  I felt like I was just going through the motions of the day, and it was all I could do.  I was thankful that my OB prescribed me some sleeping aids.  It helped for the first few weeks.  It continued to help on weekends after I returned to work.  I wasn't getting much sleep during the week, and the pills helped me catch up on sleep during the weekend.  That lasted another month or two?  I haven't needed them in awhile now and I'm grateful.  I'm grateful that I can sleep and rest.  Rest my mind, rest my body, rest my soul.  Rest my broken heart.  And then, there's always the possibility that I'll have a dream about Preston that I remember.  Hasn't happened yet... but I remain hopeful.  The only Preston related dream I had was a week or so after he passed.  I dreamt that Brett's grandma, who passed last year, was in our living room and was telling us that my grandmere was watching over Preston and that he was ok. 

It's hard not to remember my dreams.  Not knowing whether I dream of him every night, or not at all.  It'd be so amazing to dream of him, but at the same time, it could be so heartbreaking to wake up to.  I think I'd be grateful for the dream, but who knows. 

I don't think we often stop and think how much sleep means for us.  It re-energizes us to take on life.  It sprinkles us with peacefulness.  Comfort from the warmth of the blankets, and softness of the mattress.  It slows our heart rate, and let's us rest every aspect of our body which is much needed considering all the stresses that surrounds our every day lives, whether we think they are there or not.  It gives us quiet time to reflect on our life, problems, gratitudes, plans for the future.

Rest your head on the pillow 
For, you never know
A little angel may come to visit
To soothe your heart and spirit
As you sleep and rest
He makes a nest
Close to you forever
In your heart always
I keep a feathered pillow
Soft enough for an angel

Humbled

I felt really humbled last night.  I felt humbled as I realized just how much Preston has made an impact on other people's lives.  I felt proud of how much his little life has brought a ray of sunshine into the lives of my friends and family.  I am one proud mama.

We were on our way to poker when we saw a very faint rainbow, but nonetheless, it made me think of Preston.  As hubby didn't quite understand the meaning of a "rainbow baby", I explained to him that I think that babies who are conceived after a loss, are like a rainbow after a storm.  It's a symbol of hope.  Preston was a rainbow baby and he loved colors so it feels natural for rainbows to remind me of my son.

After I posted the picture of the faint rainbow on Facebook, I received several notifications from friends where I had been tagged in a rainbow picture.  Jamie, Tina and Jon, thank you for sharing that the rainbows you saw made you think of Preston.  It really means so much to me to be a witness to how my baby continues to live on through my thoughts and especially, so many people's thoughts.  It means a lot to me that you hold him close to your heart, and in return you are holding Brett and I close to you as well.

This isn't the first time I've been witness to how others think of Preston when they see a rainbow, or bunnies.  Sherri has sent me a rainbow picture, as has Cynthia.  Dana has sent me pictures of a bunny.  I've been witness to Charles pointing to a rainbow saying, "Preston", while Kate says, "where's the bunny?".

To many people, it might sound silly, but to me, it really sunk in yesterday that you guys really do think of Preston and remember him and smile when you see a rainbow and bunnies.  Many people might say, well rainbows and bunnies are everywhere, it's not really a "sign".  That thought actually crosses my mind all the time.  But you know what, it is a sign.  It is a sign that he is living on through all of us.  It is a sign that his life really is spreading happiness around the world.  It is a sign, that there was a beautiful purpose to his life even if it was cut incredibly short.  It is a sign that, as long as we are willing, he will be there to remind us, that while life can be difficult, there's always something to smile amount.

All this was reinforced by this little feather on our deck this morning.  Beautiful, little white feather... like that from a tiny angel.  Thank you all for keeping Preston close to your heart. <3