November is here

November is here.  I knew it was coming.  I knew I'd be sitting here at some point in time.  November has always been a special month for my family.  Growing up, it was the month where we celebrated my brother's birthday (turning 40 very soon!!), and my birthday.  After I met my husband, it also meant his birthday and his dad's birthday.  Then add Thanksgiving, which in the US is celebrated in November, as opposed to October in Canada.  And last year, Preston surprised us and was born in November instead of December.  This was going to be an even more special month.

Pictured above, was my first birthday.  I was looking forward to Preston's birthday so much.  Not that he'd remember it, but it's one of those milestones that you dream about when you think about having children.  And just like that, there will be no tiny hands in the birthday cake.  There will be no tasting of sweets for the first time.  There will be no new toys.

November could very easily become a very somber month.  It could become a symbol of darkness and sorrow.  I have to remind myself that Preston wouldn't want that.  Preston wouldn't want me wallowing alone in a corner.  He would want me to smile, as I remember the good times we had.  He would want me to enjoy the birthdays in or family and Thanksgiving.  Hopefully he is smiling down on me, seeing that I'm trying to spread some happiness around the world to honor him.

I have things to look forward to this month.  A trip to Vegas with my husband, where I can relax while he's in conferences.  Massage.  Reading.  Going to the pool.  Sounds like a good time to me!  And, yes a little gambling!  A nice road trip there and back which should allow me to see different places.  Allow me to see more to this beautiful country.  There will be Thanksgiving which always results in a delicious feast!  And it'll be nice to acknowledge our little boy and be thankful that even if it was only for a short time, we are thankful that we had him in our life.  We have our group session on Monday which is about how to deal with the holidays.  I'm looking forward to the feedback other parents have.  Many of them have lived through holidays after a loss, and I think their experiences will help me better prepare my mind for it all.

I'm not big on material things.  I don't ask for a lot in life.  But, yes, I was looking forward to spoiling Preston rotten on his birthday.  I was looking forward to baking him a special cake with a bear pan I bought years and years ago.  I'm reminded though, that I was blessed with having him in my life.  Carrying him and holding him.  Seeing him smile.  Intangible.  Much more special than material.  And I will have that forever.

Happy Thoughts/Moments

I was warned after yesterday's meeting that this week and the next might be difficult because thinking about the day we lost our babies just brings all those memories rushing back.  Quite honestly, I kind of feel like the year is just going to get more difficult as we get deeper and deeper into it.  November is when all our birthdays are, Brett, Preston and I.  Thanksgiving will be just after.  Thanksgiving is when we took our baby home from the NICU last year.  Thanksgiving is a family holiday, which I was looking forward to with Preston.  And then Christmas will be around the corner.  And then it'll be the beginning of next year, and then March...

But I don't want to drown into depression.  I don't want to lose myself in my pain.  I want to remember my son, and I don't want to cry every time I do so.  I think I've done a pretty good job at that so far... not that I'm quite sure how.  I want to be happy, and not feel guilty for feeling to happy.  So I think, perhaps the way to do so, is to start with happy thoughts. Hopefully that will evolve into some happy moments, and perhaps that will then morph into happy days, one day.

Hopefully this isn't too redundant for a post.  I've talked about finding happiness in the small things in one of my first posts.  I don't want to repeat those things, so I hope not to, forgive me if I do.  I found happiness today when my husband sent me flowers at work again.  Isn't he great?  They are as vibrant as they are beautiful.  Yellow roses, red tulips and purple iris'.  Ah Iris... there's another thing that makes me happy.  Remember that song I talked about the other day?  While, it can have such sad interpretations, it also reminds me of my unique bond with Preston, and not much can bring me more happiness.

I'm watching America's Got Talent again, and while I don't always love the back stories they do on people, some people's journeys are really touching and gives hope for humanity.  Some performances just make me smile and fill me with happiness.  Magic acts that make you go, "waaaaa, how'd he do that??".  It takes you into a totally different world.  Perhaps we'll see one when we go to Vegas later this year.

My cat, Acro, is being lovey at the moment, hardly letting me type.  He's on my lap as is my laptop.  He keeps getting jealous and nips at my wrists or tries to grab my arm altogether.  "Pay attention to me, he says!"  While there's nothing like the love of your child, the love our pets can show us can be so special.  Our cats are indoor cats so they don't know much about the world.  They cower away so easily.. but they love us so unconditionally... when they want.  They're cats after all!  "Rub my belly, but just twice or I'll scratch the living daylights out of you".  ;)

Well, I don't want to give all my happy thoughts away in one day.  But these things made me happy today and have a potential to make me happy again - by just thinking about these things, or seeing them, or living them.  If I can think of so many happy thoughts in one day, perhaps there is hope for me after all.  What made you happy today?  Do you have favorite happy thoughts or moments?