The forgotten pizza

February 19th.  Less than a month shy since 2 years will have passed since Preston left us for Heaven.  It happened.  I forgot.

I never thought that I could.  And I can make excuses.  It didn't register in my mind that today was the 19th.  I can't eat dairy so making pizza didn't come to mind.  I had chicken in the fridge that had to be cooked.

But still.  I feel low.  I feel horrendous.  I feel like a failure.  I feel sad.  I forgot.

It's not that I didn't think of Preston today.  I thought of him this morning when I placed my special necklace on his urn.  I thought of him as I was rocking Samantha in her nursery, formerly his nursery.  I thought of him because of certain items in the room.  I thought of him because of a song that played.  I thought of him later in the day as I saw tokens around the living room - a bunny, a special little P figurine.  I thought of him as I was going through pictures on my google account and there was a picture that I didn't take or save.  All it was, was the letter P.  Where it came from? No idea.

I started the chicken in the crock pot late in the afternoon.  After being home for a bit, my husband commented that it smelled delicious but that today was the 19th.  Where was the pizza?  Bless his heart, it's not his fault.  But I cried.  How could I forget?  I don't care that I have excuses.  No excuse is good enough to forget to celebrate my son.  We had pizza.  We took the cheese off my pieces.

I hope it never happens again.

Preston, Mama is sorry with all her heart.  I can only hope that you forgive me.  And I hold on to the fact that you did, because right after I realized what I'd done, my friend Meghann sent me a picture of a rainbow telling me she saw it and thought of me.  It had to be you. 

I love you my sweet boy.  I miss you with all my heart, and I wish you could be with me.  I wish you could see your beautiful little sister grow.  I wish you could experience her smile.  And of course, I know you see it all and experience it in your own way... but I wish it was different.

Missing you always.  I may have forgotten your pizza, but I think of you every day.  I promise.

Cheesy goodness

I can't go without acknowledging what today is.  September 19th, marks the day Preston would have turned 10 months old.  I don't know that we would have celebrated this day in a grandiose fashion if he had been here.  Probably would have wished him a happy 10 months and taken some pictures, but that's probably it.  When the 19th comes around each month, it's difficult not to think about what Preston would be like today, at that age.  What he would be doing.  On the verge of taking his first steps? Babbling trying to say a couple words?  How big would he be? 15, 16 pounds?  He was 11 lbs, 3 oz the last time I held him.

Despite today being what it is, the day was manageable.  This is going to sound so odd, but there was a moth of the train this morning, and it flew to the bench in front of where I sat, and turned around and looked at me for a couple seconds.  Totally weird right?  Later, about halfway through the ride, this bird kept following the train.  Followed us for a couple stations.  And as I was getting on the elevator, listening to one last song on Pandora before starting my workday... the song took forever to load.  I was actually about to shut down the app.. but Iris came on, just when I was about to.  I don't associate moths or birds with Preston.  But these odd things plus Iris coming on, today, on a day where I'd give absolutely anything for signs from my baby boy, because that's all I've got... these weren't just coincidences.  Signs.  Serendipity because I've got an open heart.

Also making my day easier, my angel mom friends who wrote nice messages to me today.  Telling me they are thinking of me, and Preston.  Wishing me and my husband a gentle day.  Telling me how much they love to see Preston's smile in pictures and that they are thankful that I have shared him with them.  This really warmed up my heart.  It made my day, that much easier to go through.  Thank you ladies, from the bottom of my heart.

Lastly, looking forward to dinner, has made today a little easier.  On day 28, I am thankful for pizza.  Call me crazy for being thankful for such a trivial thing.  For something not so healthy.  I've touched on this a bit last month, but I will explain again.  A fellow angel mom, Krystal, honors her twin boys gone too soon, by celebrating them on every 10th.  Last month she had ordered orange juice which she craved while pregnant with Conner and Benjamin, even though it's something she really can't stand.  It inspired me to have pizza every 19th of the month.  You see, when I was pregnant with Preston and would eat pizza, he would have a party in my belly, moving more than usual.  It was one of the coolest feelings and something I will remember forever.  I love pizza, but my goal is now to limit myself to only having it on the 19th though there's not too much I can do if we are invited somewhere and pizza is served, or if I come home to pizza having been ordered.  Regardless, I will do my best to keep pizza for the 19th, to celebrate my little boy.

We also watched the Avengers tonight, which I hadn't seen.  I rather enjoyed it.  Nice way to end the week, the day, the "month".  Good way to celebrate Preston, by spending the night, just me and Brett. 

Every day is special to someone out there.  Every day, it's someone's birthday, someone's anniversary.  Every day, someone has something to celebrate - successes, graduations, victories.  Sometimes the celebration is bittersweet, like celebrating the life of a loved one who's had a long life.  Every 13th is difficult for me.  Every 19th has the potential to being difficult for me, but this new ritual of pizza, cheesy delicious goodness, helps me celebrate my son's life instead of grieving it like I do every day.  To you angel mamas who have those particularly difficult days every month, I pray that time helps make the days easier.  I pray that you find peace on those days, that those days are kind to you.  I pray, that if it's possible, you find a small way to celebrate your baby, and that it helps you heal, the way pizza has worked for me.  I sound ridiculous don't I?  Pizza heals the soul!

Heaven promises to be a happy place, where there is no more pain, or sadness.  There is no grief or tears.  Is there a party every day?  If so, I hope that today, there was a little party for Preston.  Perhaps he took his first steps on a puffy cloud and giggled.  I hope he is surrounded by loved ones.  I hope, somehow someway, Heaven can read my message, and give my baby a kiss for me.  Mama loves you sweetie pie.

Too pretty not to share.  Or tree is quickly turning gold.

Last night

I really wanted to write a post last night, but I overate and felt sick all evening.  It had been a while since such a bout of nausea hit me, and I'm no stranger to nausea thanks to Crohn's disease.  Luckily, I still have some magic pills called "Promethazine".  Half of that little guy and I'm out like a light (plus it makes the nausea go away). 

I had a nice day yesterday.  Preston would have turned 9 months and another milestone promised to be painful, but I think by staying positive all day, staying busy and memorialized the day.  I had a busy day at work, it felt like nonstop emergency tasks one after the other, but I am so thankful for it because the day just flew by.  I had lunch with a good friend, which we hadn't done for a long time.  It was nice to be able to talk about Preston.  Then, Brett and I had pizza for dinner.  Preston's favorite food (well, I only know this from when I was pregnant). 

 

It felt really nice to have a peaceful day.  Instead, by thinking about eating something he liked, it made me look forward to the evening.  And despite the turn of events, I'm glad we did it.  Perhaps with time, we can build on what we do on each 19th.  One thing is for sure, the 19th will be forever a family day, and hopefully, they will become more and more peaceful with time.

 

I'm going to end on this short note tonight. I want to go to bed early in hopes to help my body recover from last night.  I look forward to tomorrow morning.   My friend Paula told me she had a visit from my sweet angel, and I want to hear all about it. I don't often look forward to the morning, so thank you Paula for giving me that feeling of anticipation, the good kind :)

 

 

Nice sunset tonight with the cloud and the mountains :)

 



Just a Sunday

It sure was a filled Sunday, a day which was supposed to consist of only baking (and relaxing).  My day began at 8:00 something when hubby woke me up wanting to go out for breakfast.  Breakfast is certainly not my favorite meal of the day.  I don't like eggs, which are in 80% of all breakfast items.  For a long time I couldn't eat pancakes because they would just upset my intestines.  I've found it difficult to start eating foods that I couldn't have for the longest time; especially when they always caused pain.  So, I'm not the biggest fan of pancakes either...  that leaves... not much :P

But to the point, we were going to go to have breakfast, but it was at a restaurant that's about 30 minutes away.  Then, we were going to go visit our friend Charles who had invited us over to meet his new puppy.  Given that I wanted to bake for a large portion of the day, and that Brett needed to finish putting down the tile in our "front" room, we opted against going to the restaurant and just stopped for a quick breakfast at McDonald's on the way to Charles' house.  We stayed at his place for a little over an hour, I think.  We played with his new puppy, and his 1 year old son.  That little guy sure can run around now, wow.  It always makes me wonder where Preston would be at.  It doesn't make me sad, but it just makes me wonder, you know?  How many teeth would he have? What foods would he like?  Would he be saying a couple words, or be on the cusp of it?  Would he be crawling?  Regardless, I'd be proud of my little guy, and I'm proud of his best friend.  Keep it up big guy!!

When we got home, I started getting everything ready for baking cookies, only to realize I was out of vanilla.  Really?  When did that happen?  Brett had to go out to do an errand and he offered to pick some up for me.  What a lovie!  I took a little break until I remembered that I have a double oven now!  Ta-da!  I started working on getting the bread ready.  Got it in the oven just in time for the vanilla to come home for cookies and with my in-laws!  They were in the neighborhood having closed on the new house this week.  Wanted to scope out the place more carefully before it's rented out and they can't come and go as they please.  A few hours later, several batches of cookies and 2 loaves of bread were ready.  One loaf, already gone and eaten! That was fast! lol

This is the cheddar-apple loaf.  It feels like it's missing something, but I can't quite put my finger on it.  Others seem to disagree since one loaf has already been eaten.  The cookies are, believe it or not, cholesterol free! Or so says the recipe.  I'll take its word for it!  They are a little crunchier than what I was hoping for.  Hopefully the two slices of bread I put in a Ziploc bag with the cookies helps soften them up.  It's worked in the past.

A lot went on today, yet it doesn't feel like the day flew by.  There was a walk today for angels.  A walk to remember, where you walk to honor your little one that has passed on.  I really wanted to go, but felt unprepared.  Unprepared for the emotional rollercoaster that would go on in my mind.  Unprepared because I didn't have any signs, hadn't invited anyone, hadn't raised any funds to help the organization that organizes this annual walk.  It's organized by the same organization which holds the monthly support group I attend.  Hopefully next year.  I want to do everything I can to honor my little boy and felt guilty for not being prepared for this day.  Hopefully this guilt is just something temporary.

I did read something inspiring today though.  This one mama  has two angels, Conner and Benjamin.  I've been reading her blog and it actually helped me find the inspiration to start my own blog.  I'm so thankful for it too, because it has really helped with my healing process.  So, thank you Krystal!  Back to how she recently inspired me.  On every 10th of the month, she celebrates the birth of her two boys instead of grieving their loss.  Like this week, she and her husband went out to breakfast and she ordered orange juice for them, since it was something she craved during her pregnancy with the twins, but it's something she usually can't stand.  So sweet!  I didn't really have any cravings with Preston, but he would move a lot when I had pizza.  Perhaps the 19th will forever now be pizza night.  Another small way I can honor and remember my son.  Not all gestures have to be large.  Not all gestures have to involve the world.  Some can be just between me and him, and his dad.  We miss you little man.  Hope you could smell the cookies and bread mama baked today.  Did you flap your little wings around to come down to smell baked goods for a few minutes?

PS. I was also going to make a hot milk sponge cake but I couldn't find my cake pan and remembered that I packed it away when I emptied the china cabinet.  The cake will have to wait.