Positively February 2016: Day 1

I thought I'd try doing Positively February again this year.  Hopefully I'm able to keep up with it.  I will try my best, but as most know, as a mom, free time is not always easy to find... especially since I want to spend as much time as possible with Samantha before I go back to work in 5 and a half weeks.  How time flies...

"Grief never ends... but it changes.  It's a passage, not a place to stay.  Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith... It is the price of love." - Unknown

What I've come to learn in the last almost 2 years is that grief truly does never end.  I think of my son every day.  Some days, it makes me smile.  Other days, it's as painful to think about him as it was in the days after losing him.  Just today, we put Sami in one of Preston's old fleece pajamas.  The one with the penguins.  It was too much.  We had to take it off within 10 minutes of putting it on, even though she was fast asleep.  Triggers still exist that will send us into a tailspin even though we have so much joy in our lives again with our little girl.

I agree that grief isn't a place we should stay in.  While grief never ends, it's a journey.  Not a linear journey by all means, but a long winding journey filled with peaks and valleys.  I often have memory flashes of Preston while rocking Sami.  Or while playing with her as she learns to smile.  I love every minute with her, but it's certainly not always easy.  She's filled a huge part of the hole that exists in my heart, but she will never fully fill it.  Nor would I want her too.  I love Preston just as much as I love her.

That makes it so hard sometimes.  I want to be so happy, yet here comes a memory that just makes me want to fall apart.  And it's not her fault.  I hope that when I do shed a few tears, it doesn't cause her any anxiety.

I've never felt that grief was a sign of weakness.  Nor have I ever felt that keeping on going after Preston passed was a sign of strength.  It's purely survival.  You don't have a choice.  You keep going.  And faith?  Well, yes, my faith is still shaken but I continue to pray.  I continue to be mad at God and often ask for his forgiveness for being mad at Him.  But I believe He understands.  He lost his son too after all.

Grief certainly is the price of love.  I wouldn't trade having had Preston in my life for anything in the world.  It was worth every second.  The pain I still feel today, was worth it.  Don't be afraid to love because you might lose.

I don't know how positive this post has been, so let me end it this way.  Grief is a non-linear journey.  Don't get discouraged if you feel that you are taking a step back.  Or taking 3 steps back for every one that you take.  It's ok to feel weak.  Basically, anything you are feeling is ok.  You need to feel what you need to feel.  I would however urge anyone who feels overly depressed to talk to someone.  Let it out.  What you are thinking and feeling, share it.  Share the love you felt.  In time, you will see that your grief takes different shapes.  I hope one of those shapes, even if not all the time, takes the shape of positivity. <3

Big steps, little steps

It's been a while, I realize.  More than a month really since some consistent posts.  I hadn't planned to take a hiatus from my blog, but it happened.

What really happened you ask?

I was exhausted.  I felt unwell.  But you see, there were good reasons for it.  In the middle of April, I realized I was pregnant.  I realized it even before taking a pregnancy test that confirmed it.  Morning sickness, or as I experienced it, all day long sickness set in about a month later.  I'd be riding the train home, longing for my bed and it wasn't even 5:00pm.  The nausea took it's toll on me.  I tried to keep a good attitude about it, I feel like I hid it well at work, but when I got home, it just seemed harder to deal with because I didn't have the energy to "fake" it any longer.

Trouble is, the nausea, along with other pregnancy symptoms like hormones throwing my whole digestive system upside down, made for an interesting struggle in my mind.  These are symptoms that I've always associated with a Crohn's flare up.  And while, deep down, I knew it was the pregnancy, there was always that nagging thought at the back of my mind.

Now, at almost 15 weeks (tomorrow), the nausea has dissipated.  Not disappeared but certainly decreased significantly.

I'd started logging how I was feeling every week,  starting at week 4, and then my computer crashed when I was about 7 weeks along.  I lost everything I hadn't saved to my trusty USB drive, which thankfully wasn't a lot, but this file was one of them.  Perhaps I can try to summarize my thoughts and feelings below by grouping up weeks.

Week 4-5

I had minimal symptoms.  Some soreness, some stretching feelings in the abdomen and my digestive system started to go crazy.  Mentally, I struggled believing that I was pregnant.  I struggled with how I'd feel about having another baby, about how the pregnancy would be and how the first year would be.  I hung on to this simple notion.  My baby's due date is December 24, 2015.  Christmas Eve.  As you know, my faith was really shaken when we lost Preston.  Quite honestly, it still and probably will be for a while.  However, having Christmas Eve as a due date... it brings me hope that everything will be alright.  After all, that's the night Jesus was born, or the night before he was born.  I felt like this was just a sign that things would work out.  These couple weeks, I was overly emotional, and missing Preston was more intense than it had been in months.

Week 6-13

The nausea set in and didn't go away very much.  I'd drink a ginger ale every morning and that kept my nausea at bay, for the most part.  Can I say how I don't want any ginger ale anytime soon?  When the nausea set in, it would stay with me for a couple hours, then go away for an hour or so, if I was lucky, and then it would return.  So on, and so forth, day after day.  The fatigue made it so I could hardly stay up after 8:00, and I'm a night owl.  The pregnancy started feeling more real, and every time I started to worry something might be wrong, Preston would send me a sign to let me know, that things really were ok.  A rainbow, a bunny, a song I hadn't heard in a long time that reminded me of him.  And may I say, despite all the rain we've gotten this year, there have been close to no rainbows, especially compared to last year.  And the bunnies?  Much fewer of them than last year.

Week 14

On this last day of week 14, I'm happy to say that the nausea is less intense and less present.  The week has presented some challenges.  I'm not sure what triggered me to worry on Monday morning's train ride into work... Maybe the wonder of if I should have had a couple bites of ice cream?  Of if there might have been something I ate that could have harmed the baby?  I prayed for signs that I was just freaking out for nothing.  I got one instantly (though I'm sad to say I don't remember what it was - not a bunny, I know that much).  I felt like it was just a coincidence and asked for more signs.  I saw 2 bunnies during my train ride, which could have been really easy to miss since the train doesn't exactly go slow.  And I heard Iris which I hadn't had the privilege of listening to in a long time.  I have no choice but to believe that Preston's little sister or brother, has a guardian angel.

Looking to the future

I look forward to feeling the fluttering.  It'll be a good way to feel like things are going well. It'll ease my worries, when they happen.  We hope that next week, we find out whether Preston will have a little sister or brother.  If baby is not co-operative, we'll have to wait until late July.  I don't feel that patient right now, lol.  I'm looking into slowly figuring things out.  We'll have big decisions to make in the fall, most of them regarding the nursery, and Preston's things.  I don't look forward to that, so in the meantime, little steps.

There are so many things to talk about.  And I wish I could write it all down now, but after my Remicade treatment this afternoon, I'm exhausted.  Not baby's fault this time.  I hope to write again soon.  It may be a little while because I really need to finish the quilt square.  I got an extension, but I really need to get it done.  I've made progress, but this border I decided to do.. it's taking forever.  It'll look great once finished, but it's really taking a lot longer than I'd hoped.

Until next time my friends.
Much love.  Miss you guys.  Miss writing.  Miss spreading Preston's smile.

18 months

Dear Preston,

Today, you would have turned 18 months.  Oh I can just imagine you running around, giggling and creating happy havoc into our daily lives.  What would you look like?  Would you have kept those blond locks and those baby blue eyes?  I think you would have, so I imagine you that way.  It isn't often that I can imagine you older than 16 weeks.  Forever in my heart, I think you will remain 16 weeks old, even though time repeatedly attempts to tell me you should be older.

I can be tough and strong.  I didn't really want to be either today, but circumstances made it so I had to be.  It was an incredibly busy day, but that doesn't mean it wasn't a good day for me.  It was productive, and I felt accomplished at the end of the day, even if not everything I wanted to get done got done.  Does it ever, really?  Why expect so much out of every day?

A lot of people see me as being tough, and strong.  I even fall into the category of people who believes it some days.  Truth is, I don't think it's about being tough or strong.  It's about finding a way to survive.  Grief affects us all at some point or another.  Whether it's unexpected, or something that's impending, weighing on our souls every day.  Whether it happens too soon, or whether our loved one leads a long life.  We are never quite prepared.  Death seems to surround me a lot lately.  Friends and co-workers losing loved ones, one after another.  Through loss communities, I continually meet parents who have lost babies.  And do I have advice for them, for anyone?  No, not really.  You'd think I might, having lived through one of the most unimaginable losses that exists in today's world.

Perhaps just this - one day at a time, one moment at a time, one step at a time.  That's all we can do.  And as we do, we survive.

Preston, I missed you a lot today.  I wish with all my heart that I could still have you in my arms, or see you running around trying to learn everything and nothing about the world.  I'd have loved to teach you.  Would I have messed up as a parent? Surely, we all do.  Regardless, you would have remained my perfect little boy.

You know, this one song has been weighing on my heart for weeks.  Of course you know that, you are always with me.  I felt you close today as I heard it again this morning.  As you know, I still struggle with my faith.  I probably will for years to come.  This song though, it always helps me remember why I believe in God.  And while it's a love song, there are portions that I feel really resonate to our relationship and my relationship with God.

I was never a big Country fan.  It's not really something that plays a lot in Montreal, so for the most part, it's probably because my exposure to it was very low.  Through watching The Voice and learning more about Blake Shelton, I found myself really liking some of his songs.  This one is probably my favorite (even though it's wasn't a country song to begin with) because it reminds me of you every time I hear it.  And while it tugs at my heart strings, it also makes me smile, and brings me closer to God.  In extension, closer to you as well.

And so, my sweet baby boy... this letter to you might not be the most heartfelt, nor the most elegant.  It seems like a jumble of a lot that's been floating around in my head lately.  But I want to leave you with a portion of the lyrics of that song.  And, I want to thank God, because:

God Gave Me You

I've been a walking heartache

I've made a mess of me

The person that I've been lately

Ain't who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me

And watch as the storm blows through

And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

And for when I think I lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it's true

God gave me you

Gave me you

...

On my own I'm only

Half of what I could be

I can't do without you

We are stitched together

And what love has tethered

I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

And for when I think I lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it's true

God gave me you

Gave me you

And Preston, dare I say, how lucky I am, even though I often feel like one of the unluckiest people alive.  I'm lucky because, not only did God give me you... he also gave me your dad.  And that wonderful man, is there for me through the ups and downs too.  Through all the doubts, and fears, he's always steady, by my side.

I hope you go to taste some pizza today, along with us.  We still have it every 19th you know.  And through all the good days, and bad days.  Through all the doubts, fears, feelings of guilt and moments of weakness - I know you are by my side, showing me the way to surviving another day, and shining a bright light on hope that still exists.

Love you always,

Mama

xxxx

Faded

His existence often feels like a faded memory.  Was I simply in a dream for 16 weeks? Or am I just now stuck in a nightmare?  What is the meaning of all this?  Why? No one deserves this.  Why allow this type of pain to exist? 

This morning I was emptying the dishwasher after coming across an article about how Stephen Hawking was an atheist and explained how he said that science can now substantiate how existence came about on Earth, and therefore, God does not exist.  It's a tough concept for me to grasp.  I've believed in God my whole life.  There are so many things I don't understand.  If God does exist, and God is good, why don't I have my son with me?

Faith is difficult.  Blindly, we believe in higher powers.  You can't see God.  He doesn't answer you in a clear fashion as if two people were conversing.  There's a saying...You have to see it to believe it.  Faith is the opposite.  You have to believe it to see it.  I struggle back and forth.  I can't really say I've had a day where I stopped believing all together, but I've definitely had days where I question my faith.  I'm having one of those days actually.  It's easy to want to blame God.  My son is gone and I have no explanation.  I have no one to blame and I need to blame something, someone.  It's difficult to be mad at God though.  I don't want to be.  I want to understand.  I want Him to forgive me for all my transgressions.  I want Him to forgive me for this intermittent anger that is directed at Him. 

I used to believe that everything happens for a reason.  I just can't anymore.  I don't see a reason for losing Preston.  I don't see anything good coming out of it.  How can this be for the greater good?  And I know, that's the point... you're not supposed to know God's plan.  You're not supposed to understand it.  But how am I supposed to accept it when I don't believe there was any reason for me to lose my son.  He should be with me, in my arms.  He should be playing in the leaves.  He should be learning to walk and talk.  He should be throwing food he doesn't like on the ground.  He should be learning about football, and baseball and hockey... even if he'd be way to young to understand any of it.  Instead, more and more, he's becoming a distant memory.  The faded smiles and coos.  The disappearing memories.  They're hard to deal with every day.  Anyone have a time machine??

Was that you?

Preston, was that you, my sweet little boy, when I looked down to write something at work a few weeks ago when I saw a bright light for a second by my fingers?  It was only for a moment but my first instinct was to think of you.

Was that you, my sweet P, this morning, when I was backing out of the drive-way and saw a bunny standing vigil on the right side of the house, and as I turned to the other side to ensure the coast was clear, there was another bunny standing vigil on the left side of the house?

Was that you, my ray of sunshine, when I caught a glimpse of a really bright light through the patio door, just a few hours ago, as the storm was moving away from our house?

Was that you, my little boy, on Mother's Day, when we got one of the biggest snow storms of the year?  I really wanted to stay home that day and didn't want to go anywhere.  Home is where I feel closest to you.

Was that you, my sweetie pie, who offered me rainbows on days when I seemed to need it most?

Was that you, my lovey dovey, who sent me a meaningful song on Pandora, right before Mother's Day (Song For Mama).  And other days, was that you, when several songs in a row played one after the other, reminding me of you?  Whether because I sang them to you, or because when I would hear them they would make me think of you?

Was that you, my happy baby, who sent my aunt a dream telling her my grand-mere was watching over you?   And was that you, who was in my friend's dream, when she never got the pleasure of meeting you?

Was that you, when we received a gift from our insurance company for referring someone else to them, who sent a dime on the back of their business card?  Finding dimes are supposed to be a sign from a passed loved one.

Is it you, Preston, who somehow lifts me up enough to keep going, even when it feels like part of me is forever gone?  Is it you, who gives me a reason to smile every day, when it would be totally understandable if I never wanted to smile again?  Is it you, who gives me this inspiration to want to help others, by sharing my true feelings, thoughts, emotions?  Is it you, who gives me motivation to be a better person, work hard and live life to the fullest?  Is it you, who has brought a lot of people closer to me, and made me feel really loved and cared about?

I wish I truly knew the answer to all those questions.  I wish I could ask you, ask God, and have you or Him answer me back.  But, that's not how faith works and that makes it incredibly difficult.

Since I did instantly think of you when all those things happened, deep inside, I do believe it was you.  Maybe I only think that way because it gives me a reason to continue to feel close to you.  Maybe I believe it because it gives me a reason to want to see tomorrow and hope that I get a sign from you.  Maybe, even if I'm not entirely sure of my faith, I have more faith than I realize.

Whatever the truth is, my exceptionally special little one, you changed my life forever.  When you entered it and when you left it.  You made me a better person.  You made me more caring, more understanding, and somehow more patient.  You made me more brave and strong.  You made me understand empathy to a whole new level.  You made me appreciate everything around me so much more.  You made me a mama, something no one will ever be able to take that away from me.