Year 2: Preston's Garden

Hard to believe that summer is almost over and that fall is fast approaching, which means harvest time for most of the crops in Preston's Garden.  The passing of time continues to be a struggle, the constant reminder of what is missing, what should be.  It's a battle, I fear I will face for the rest of my life.

As with last year, not everything went as planned with Preston's Garden.  I have never thought myself to have a green thumb, though since growing the garden for the first time last year, I've come to realize that I can at least grow somethings.  For the second year in a row, the peppers (red and green) did not grow.  The onions are a question mark as are the carrots, as I haven't tried to unearth these yet.  Last year, I harvested the lettuce too soon, and didn't have any for most of the summer.  This year, I didn't harvest it enough and it grew rampant.  Last year, I only had a handful of beans, and this year, they got too much shadow from the lettuce and didn't grow well.

However, the tomatoes, the corn and the cucumbers look great, and I'm excited to harvest them.  Hopefully another couple weeks, or maybe even a month and they'll be ready for eating!

My herbs, which I placed in planters this year, didn't fare very well either.  That however is my fault, for constantly forgetting to water them whereas the garden gets water from its make integrated sprinkler system.  Next year, I will be better...I hope.

I've learned lessons from this special garden.

It's a place I can tend to which is peaceful.  I do however, need to be better about caring for it on a weekly basis or it gets over-crowded quickly.

Next year, I probably need to plant less things, and space them out more.  Perhaps that will a) make it easier to tend to, and b) yield better crops.

Don't under-estimate reading about what you are planting.  You might find some tricks that you didn't know about.

Buy pepper plants instead of trying to grow them from seed... just saying...

Plants, like much of nature, are resilient.  We have some severe wind storms, some hail and heavy rain yet the garden thrived.  And if that's not a great lesson, I don't know what is.  Life will always throw adversity my way.  I just need to rise above, roll with the punches and just keep on going.

How have your gardens fared this summer?  What crop are you most excited to harvest and eat??

Since they are working on our deck, I couldn't take the picture from our deck, and had to take it through the living room window... which accounts for the weird shadows.  But this is Preston's Garden after I cleaned it up yesterday.

Mr. Bunny watching over the onions... I decided to unearth one, just to see... and it's the size of a dime...  Lesson for next year - plant these earlier, or deeper?

The tomatoes are doing better than last year.  Those cone cages really do make a difference, though the plants keep tipping forward.  Perhaps I just need to plant things further apart next year.

The tomatoes are certainly growing.  Some might be ready to be picked in a couple weeks!  I should emphasize that I'm not a tomato person, but I'm still excited.

For the skeptics that thought I was crazy to grow corn, ears of corn are actually growing!  I'm interested to see what it tastes like.

That being said, with how large these plants are... not sure I'll be doing it again next year!

My favorite this year is probably the cucumbers.  They are growing so well, and I think I'll have several.  I will probably be able to pick one or two next weekend. :) 

Decent size for a home garden no?? :)

Of renewal and forgiveness

The scent of lilacs tickled my nose yesterday as I walked outside.  Is there anything that smells more of Spring than lilacs?  Perhaps the heightened scents of nature after rainfall?

Spring is most definitely here.  Last weekend was filled with rain, and suddenly everything is green.  Everything feels alive.  All week long, I'd been planning this past weekend.  I was going to till the garden and plant my vegetable seeds.  Saturday afternoon, it looked like it might rain and I pushed this task to Sunday.  After lunch, both Brett and I felt tired, and we took a nap.  When I woke up, it was windy and overcast and rainfall seemed to loom in the air.  There's been no rain, yet my garden hasn't been seeded.

I can be such a procrastinator.  I don't like this about myself.  The weekends are so short though, and I always seem to plan too much for myself, which makes me feel overwhelmed, and then I end up doing maybe one thing on my "list", when I could have easily done three or four.  Anyone else that this problem??

I think what I need to do, is just make a list of everything I want to do, and as time permits, complete them.  Some of them I might be able to complete on a weekday, why do I have to wait until the weekend?  Perhaps I'll till the soil on Tuesday and then seed the garden on Wednesday.  Nothing wrong with that!

What frustrates me about my procrastination this weekend though is that this is something I was excited to do.  Like really excited.  This is Preston's Garden.  A place where I can connect with him, talk to him, make time for him... and I didn't do it.  I've felt so tired all weekend, and I let it get in the way of what I wanted to do.

Spring is a time for renewal.  Perhaps Spring is also a time for forgiveness... a time to forgive myself for my shortcomings and a time to make things happen.  Time for change and action.  All week long, I've seen bunnies around my house.  On my neighbor's yard, or my own.  Across the street on the sidewalk as I leave for work early in the morning.  And try as I may to catch the glimpse of a bunny elsewhere, I've failed.  It is bunny season, but so far, it seems to be bunny season, just around our home.  I believe, someone's trying to give me motivation to make things happen...

Adventureland

My life feels like it is filled with new adventures recently - changes abound at work, taking up a new hobby, reading a book for the Pursuit of Purpose workshop I've been doing, getting ready to plant seeds in Preston's Garden, and in the small garden in the front of our house once the tulips are done for the season.  It's a time filled with intrigue, passion, excitement and hope.  Intrigue because I don't know what to expect.  Passion because I feel pretty passionate about all these things.  Excitement because that's what adventures are about!  Hope because I'm eager to see what I can do.

Months ago, I mentioned wanting to start a new hobby - embroidery.  As you may have guessed from the picture above, I've been attempting to make it happen.  I've had good motivation with Angel Eyes wanting to create a new quilt for their offices.  This organization has helped me tremendously with it's monthly group meetings, and it feels fitting that Preston should have a place on this special memorial quilt.  I haven't conceptualized the whole thing, but I am writing out his name in rainbow colors.  I'll be sure to take pictures of my progress.  I would like to have a teddy bear somewhere on their, and just found a design online that would work nicely.  A bunny maybe? Some flowers.  And maybe even "SpreadHappinessForPreston.blogspot.com".  It'll depend on how talented I feel and how much time I am able to dedicate to it.  I have 2 more months to get it done, and I just began actually working on it today after practicing for the past couple weeks.

The 5th installment of Rachel's PoP workshop was posted earlier this month.  You can view it here if interested - PoP Session 5.  In this session, we are to use one of the resources Rachel offers - books, a website, a special phone call.  I selected one of the books given that I've been wanting to get back into reading - Make it Happen by Lara Casey.  It's been an interesting read for sure.  This book is filled with workshops of it's own.  I can't say I've been following them, as I've been reading the book on my tablet as I ride the train to and from work.  I've been doing a lot of reflecting though.

Some of the things mentioned in this book are difficult concepts for me to wrap my head around.  There is a lot of talk about God and faith which I still struggle with on a daily basis.  But it's premise makes a lot of sense, and I just started the 3rd chapter which promises to help me find a way to live with purpose and hopefully help me reach more people through my blog.

The weather has been cold lately.  We've even had a snow, and some rain.  It's made it difficult to work on the gardens, but I am getting excited to get them ready for May.  I planted seeds in June last year, so I want to get them planted a little earlier this year.  I have to be careful though given the temperamental Colorado weather system.  The heat waves followed by snow storms.  The numerous May hail storms.  The high winds.  Hopefully, it is nice this week or at the very least, next weekend.

I've even been trying really hard to get better with this fantasy baseball thing.  I'm currently sitting in 5th place out of 12 players.  Bob, who's in 6th isn't far behind, and my brother is ahead of me by less than 50 points!  Gotta get to that 4th place this week.  That's the goal! Watch out bro!

Life is sometimes filled with adventures.  Some are scary, some you don't want to go through.  Some are challenging and exciting, while others are dull and tedious.  But adventures have the potential of bringing intrigue, excitement and hope.  Doesn't that make it worth exploring new adventures?  Are you planning any new adventures?

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 7: Sacred Place

I can't say I have a sacred place where I feel like I'm closer to Preston.  Maybe Preston's Garden, but I haven't spent that much time on the garden, and usually, when I'm doing so, I'm not actually thinking of Preston.  I'm tending to the branches that need to be trimmed, weeds that need to be plucked and vegetables that need to be harvested.

It's hard to pinpoint a place where I feel closer to him because I think about him everywhere.  When I'm driving, when I'm walking, when I'm at work, at home - in the family room, kitchen, bedroom.  I suppose if any room was to be his sacred place it would be his nursery, though he spent more time in the living room and our bedroom in a bassinet.  It's still really hard to go into his bedroom, so I can't say that in this moment, it feels like our sacred place.  Seven months later, the door remains closed 99% of the time.

I do feel pretty close to him when we go for a walk in the park where there's a lot of trees, wildflowers and birds.  Even around the neighborhood, as we see bunnies laying in the soft grass of neighboring lawns.  Over the last couple days, I've been blessed with a couple signs, which have made me feel like Preston is telling me, this trip I'm going on, it's okay to go.  He'll be with me even if his ashes stay at home.  I had two friends contact me out of the blue telling me they were thinking about Preston.  One last night, one tonight.  Paula, Liz - thank you!  On my way home, I saw two horizontal rainbows.  I've only ever seen that one other time, on the train in April.  I tried to capture it with my phone again, and the same result, it just looks like a beam of light in the sky.  But they were there, two horizontal rainbows on either sides of the setting sun.  Perhaps, it was a sign for me alone, a sign that is not for anyone else.  I went to the mailbox today, not something I do every day, and this bunny hopped into the street, long enough for me to notice him and then he hopped right back onto the lawn he had been chilling on.

Undeniably, I think I'll always find a way to think about Preston, and make him feel close to me, to my heart.  The signs always help, but I think about him regardless, every day.  I will for the rest of my life.  Hopefully one day, maybe I can have that sacred place where I feel it's really only me and Preston.

Taking my own advice isn't always simple

I must have gone crazy...I'm taking pictures of a cucumber!! Fruit of my own labor though.  This cucumber grew in Preston's garden, and tonight as the frost starts to approach, I harvested one of the four cucumbers that I planted in June.  I was at the supermarket earlier today, as I usually am on Sundays and saw a salad in the deli counter as I was waiting for my cold cuts.  It was a cucumber orzo and spinach salad with red onions.  I was inspired.  I could make my own!  So, I did.  I gathered a cucumber, some parsley, oregano and basil.  I was going to pick one of my red onions, but it would seem that they didn't really grow.  I'll have to research why not.  Kind of bummed about it.  Oh well, I had onions in the house.  While the orzo pasta cooked, I diced the cucumber and a third of an onion.  I made my own herb vinaigrette using the herbs I picked earlier, some oil, garlic and red wine vinegar.  And it was delicious.  A nice light meal, for a hot day.  A nice light meal, as I once again have the willpower to try to lose weight.  One of my few insecurities is my weight.  I miss the way I looked five years ago.

I read the blog entry of a friend, an angel mom, just before starting my entry.  With Blogger, you can easily follow other blogs written through Blogger.  I saw the new entry and wanted to read it immediately.  In her blog, she wrote about my blog.  Wow!! How touching is that?  To feel like I'm somehow making a difference is mind-blowing to me.  All I've wanted to do was touch one person, and I'm starting to see that I'm helping more than just one.  All that because of Preston.

My friend Josilyn, admitted that my blog helps her face the truth.  In doing so, she made me realize that I should do the same.  I should be able to take my own advice, follow my own philosophies, live by what I believe in.  It's ever so easy to fall into the traps of grief - burden oneself with guilt, allow the anger to boil over, take your frustrations out on others, detach from others, allowing defeat to overtake you.  This appears to be more prevalent when I let insecurities squeeze their way into my life.  Or if I let negativity into my mind.  I realize that my last few blog entries have had a rather negative tone to them.  It's never my intention to go down that path, and I realize that it will happen from time to time.  The fact is, I didn't have a bad weekend.  I didn't struggle with my loss more than any other day.  I enjoyed a lot of time with my husband - watched hockey on Friday, watched a movie right after.  Spent the day together yesterday, along with his parents who came to visit.  We watched another movie yesterday.  And my fantasy football loving husband watched football for most of the day, as he was feeling a little under the weather, and I got to spend again, most of the day just relaxing with him.

So why the negative tone in my entries?  I didn't plan to write about it, but I want to take my own advice. I have nothing to hide, and I want to help others.  One of the forums I frequent on a consistent basis was littered with negativity this weekend.  I've had success in the past as a mediator on forums.  When I was a "counselor" in my World of Warcraft guild, "The Infinite", I was often able to defuse tense situations/discussions.  I'm usually able to keep my composure and have had ease with remaining politically correct (I get that from my Dad).  When you're in a group of 300 people, or any number of people really, there are bound to be rules that don't appeal to everyone.  Some might actually rub people the wrong way.  That's kind of what was going on this weekend.  There are some rules in place in order to provide a safe haven for women who are still heavily grieving their babies.  These rules were pointed out to some members and since tone is so difficult to discern in written format, they were taken the wrong way.  I tried to intervene and while I didn't get blasted directly, I felt accused of being a "mean girl".  Maybe I misinterpreted it, it's highly possible.  Like I said, it's hard to capture the tonality others are trying to convene through their posts.  Nonetheless, there was a lot of negativity, I felt vulnerable and I totally let it affect my mood.  Being labeled that way rubbed me the wrong way.  I don't have an ounce of mean in me, at least that's the way I feel.  Plus it felt very clear to me: we are all grieving the loss of a baby, we are all hurting.  Why in God's name would we want to inflict additional pain on the only people who understand us.  Why would we want to cause more hurt to others who are obviously already dealing with the intense, unfair pain of losing their baby?

I was never the popular girl, not that it was ever really something I strived for.  There were a lot of kids who would make fun of me, for whatever reason.  And yes, it did affect my self esteem for many, many years.  I'm over it now.  I tend to not care what people think about me.  I'm comfortable with who I am.  I'm a nice person.  I care for others.  I will always be nice to others, even if I can tell that they don't like me, whatever their reason may be.  I do have my limits though.  And negativity affects me, and allows those insecurities to come back sometimes even if most of the time, I feel like they've been banished from my life.

At the same time, I get it.  If they felt attacked, even if that's not what was going on, they felt the need to defend themselves.  Sometimes, the wrong suggestion can bring out that same negativity that I displayed this weekend, because it always lies beneath the surface when you are grieving.  Again, I get it.  They are in a bad spot having just lost their baby.  Maybe I was on the receiving end of their pain, their grief, their bad day.  I'm ok with that if it can be helpful to them, but I'm human too.  I have feelings that can easily be hurt. 

It's difficult.  I don't try to hide the sadness.  That's not what you see through my positivity.  I don't try to push the heartache down so that it one day explodes, in my face or the face of others.  I try to see the goodness that having Preston in my life has brought me, that it has brought to others.  Others who either were lucky enough to have met him, or who have grown to know and love him through my writing.  I was going to keep this story to myself, but my friend Josilyn, made me realize that I needed to.  I needed to, so that it was released from my soul.  I needed to so that maybe others realize that when suggestions are made, or when rules exist, they aren't there to make anyone miserable.  They are there to protect.  They are there to lower the chances of chaos.  And yes, there will always be people who break the rules.  Who doesn't?  If you do, you may get corrected, or a suggestion might be made.  Don't take it the wrong way.  No one is trying to protect just one individual, or a small group of individuals.  The community is what is being protected so that it remains the safe haven it was meant to be.

Josilyn, thank you for your blog entry tonight.  Thank you for making me face the music of my own beliefs, and allowing myself to release this negativity that was gnawing at my heart all weekend.  Jade, Chris and Serenity should be so proud of their mama.  You make a difference, and I hope that you know that <3