Positively February: Day 7

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings into Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." - Eskimo Proverb

In the days and weeks following the loss of Preston, I had a lot of trouble sleeping.  My body was still used to the routine of feeding my son around 10:30-11:00 before putting him down for the night.  I'd just recently returned to work, and really I had this routine down.  I didn't sleep for hours on end, but I didn't feel fatigue all too much.  I was used to sleeping from 11:30 or 12:00 until 5:00.  With that routine being gone, my body didn't really understand trying to go to bed at 10:00.  Nor did my mind.  My mind kept me up for hours on end.  Not knowing what to do, how to grieve, how to do anything really, I tried to read a lot.  Stories of people in my shoes.  Quotes about losing a baby and how to cope.

I remember reading this quote.  Actually, I read probably hundreds of quotes, as tears streamed down my cheeks until there were just no more and the exhaustion took over me and I could finally sleep for maybe 2 or 3 hours.  This quote stayed with me though.  It made looking at the night sky, something that symbolized hope.  Star gazing is something I've always enjoyed.  When we'd go to our fishing cottage, we'd sometimes go out late at night and admire how many stars we could see.  How bright they were!  They seemed so close.  Being 7 hours North of Montreal, they probably were a lot closer.  I get that same sensation here in Colorado.  The stars are so much brighter.  They seem bigger.

I love this Eskimo proverb because it's so simple, and it's something fun to believe in.  Especially now that Preston has his own star!  On his birthday, and #SpreadHappinessForPreston day, my friend and co-worker Lisa gave me a certificate of a star she purchased and had named: Preston William Haugen.  I was so moved by this unique gesture.  I cried.  Happy tears they were.  This star, the love behind it's purchase, makes it easy to look up at the night sky and think of Preston and smile as his love shines down on me.  Much like Preston, Lisa's aunt is in Heaven.  I'm sure they are fast friends, and I love to think that this loving woman is keeping an eye on my son.  And as Lisa said: "They are both now not only our guardian angels, but our shining stars - together".  I agree whole-heartingly.

And if you know me, this probably doesn't surprise you, I looked into this constellation of Giraffe.  It's latin name is actually Camelopardalis, which means camel and leopard.  It was named so because it the constellation appears to have a long neck (like a camel and giraffe) and has spots all over (like a leopard and again giraffe).  I love that it's connected to the leopard as this big cat, is one of the wildcats featured on Big Cat Diary which Brett would watch every morning as he gave Preston his first feeding of the day.  After eating while staring at his favorite colorful painting, Preston would watch the moving shapes of the cats on the television as he sat there digesting, and burping.  He seemed to like it and think the music and narration was calming.

I hope that I can one day see this constellation.  It's to the right of Ursa Major, so it's highly possible.  And if I ever do, I pray that it truly is an opening into Heaven, where maybe, just maybe, I can get a glimpse of Preston shining down on me.

What do you think about when you look up at the night sky?

Are we there yet?

 

 

There's some comfort to be found in knowing that Heaven waits for us, once our time has come.  How many loved ones will we get to see again?  At the same time, there are so many unanswered questions that surround Heaven.  What will we look like? How old will we be?   Do we ascend to Heaven right away, or does our soul have to fulfill all it's purposes on Earth first?

 

On day 23 of my 30 days of gratitudes, I am thankful for Heaven.  I am thankful, because it means that one day, I will get to see Preston again.  No offense meant to anyone else who is up there waiting for me, but I long to see, and hold my baby again, if those are things that can be done in Heaven.  Is Heaven filled with blooming flowers? Or does it sit on the clouds like I've always imagined?  Do angels really have feathered wings of pure white?  Do we all individually get to meet God? 

 

I learned young about eternal life that is given to us through the Holy Spirit and ascension to Heaven.  I never really looked forward to it.  I never understood it.  I still don't understand it.  Maybe that's the point.  The unanswered questions keep us wondering.  Maybe Heaven is what each of us individually hopes for.  

I don't think it's normal to look forward to going to Heaven, but I really do.  I'm not saying that I'd do anything to help it along, but, I won't be sad to see that day come.  A new beginning.  A life with my son.  A life uninterrupted by death and separation.

In the meantime, I hope Preston is surrounded my loved ones.  His great grandparents, most of which I never met myself.  Friends his age, like Conner, Benjamin, Silas and Baylee.  Perhaps he's the angel of happiness teaching other angels how to spread happiness, and bring it forth to their families down on Earth.  One day, we will find out.  One day, we will feel true peacefulness.

The lyrics from Nickelback's If Everyone Cared come to mind:

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died

Maybe, that really is what Heaven brings :)

 

Clouds

Clouds have always fascinated me, much like the moon (that's another story).  They can take any shape and many colors depending on the placement of the sun, the temperature, the placement of the moon, humidity...  They float in the sky, weightlessly like feathers. 

The clouds "feel" different here in Colorado, at least it seems like it.  You be the judge based on just a few pictures.

This here is a picture taken from the balcony of my old apartment in Montreal.  Loved that place.  It was so peaceful, it was the perfect size and it was just mine.  I had a really great year living there.  A cloudy day wasn't rare in Montreal, from what I can remember.  There were many days like this one, many days of rain, many days of snow.  On snowy days, everything was so white and bright.  Can't say I miss shoveling snow off my car.  My car now sleeps in the garage, free from any snowfall.  I remember, many days, where I would lay in the grass, trying to find familiar shapes in the clouds.  A dog face, a dragon, a star.

The big difference with the clouds in Colorado, I find is that they seem so much closer... I guess we are living at 6000+ feet.  Must make a difference right?  It also feels like they move much faster.  I guess it's a perception thing, being so much closer to them than when you are down at sea level.  There are days where it really feels like you could just jump up and feel them, though that's usually right before a storm, or early in the morning if there's fog.  Usually when that happens though, I'm at the top of a hill, on the freeway, driving to the train station.  Not really a good place to try to jump up and touch the clouds.  Nonetheless, those mornings, nature is quite breathtaking.  I used to find it a little eerie, but the past several times I've seen it, it's made me feel peaceful and calm.

The sunsets and sunrises can also be rather breathtaking.  Either because of the clouds or because of the way the sun shines on the mountains or behind the mountains or even on the plains to the East.  I've been blessed to see several beautiful sunsets, some with a bit of mountain views, some dramatized by clouds.  I think those are the ones I enjoy the most.  It sounds silly, but I often think of Heaven being on top of the clouds.  I believed it as a child, and it's kind of stuck with me.  Realistically, I know Heaven isn't above the clouds; I've been above the clouds.  Who knows though, maybe Heaven is above the clouds in an alternate dimension... but how would we be able to stand on clouds?  When you imagine loved ones in Heaven, don't you think of them in their "Earth" body?  Ashes to ashes...  Are we simply spirits once we ascend to Heaven?  There are so many unanswered questions.  I dislike gray areas, and this is certainly one of them.  I don't want to learn a lesson from having lost my son.  I don't want "that" to be the "reason" he had to leave us.  But perhaps I need to start to be more open to ambiguity.  I don't like you ambiguity, but I will learn to deal with you more and more every day as it seems to be part of my world now, whether I like it or not.

There are many days where I look to the clouds for a sign.  Call me crazy, but bunnies, rainbows, feathers... they aren't enough.  I know I should feel extremely blessed that I am seeing so many signs, but let's face it, my arms ache for my sweet P.  My eyes constantly search for Preston's cherished smile.  My ears eternally listen for a gentle reminder of his cries or giggles.  Unfortunately some of these things I will only ever be able to see and hear through pictures and videos.  I have to be more open to subtle signs.  I've shared that I sometimes hear songs on Pandora, one after the other that are true reminders of Preston.  I've shared, how I immediately think of my son at the sign of bunnies, rainbows and feathers, for various reasons.  I think I even shared how Brett and I saw a cloud shaped bunny a couple weeks ago.  I have another cloud related sign I haven't shared.  I don't even know if I've shared it with anyone at this point.

It was several months ago, maybe right after I had started driving myself to the train to go to work.  I was on my way home and I was in tears, which was now a daily occurrence whenever I'd drive home.  It was really difficult.  I couldn't listen to music because every song reminded me of Preston, whether it was a love song, a sad song, a happy song.  I really struggled with the drive home because I used to be the one to pick up Preston from daycare after work.  Now I was simply heading home, with an empty car seat holder in the backseat of my car.  I had to drive by the dreaded hospital.  It really was difficult for a long time.  Quite honestly, there are days where it still happens. 

If I recall correctly, it was the same day that I'd gone to my doctor for a BP check up.  The same day I saw a lady wearing a maternity shirt I owed and wore with Preston, and the same day I saw one of the ladies that worked at his pediatrician's office.  I was upset, as stated above, and I thought, well these signs I've just seen, maybe they were just coincidences.  Signs don't really exist, is what I was feeling, which didn't exactly make me feel better.  So, I asked God, to send me another sign, just so I could know for sure that He was taking care of Preston.  That although my son was gone, I would get to see him again.  As I turned into my neighborhood, I saw a huge cloud with what looked exactly like Preston's two little legs and feet hanging below it - right in my backyard.  They were really big, and I knew they were his little wigglers.  There was no doubt.  I haven't been able to not believe in signs since then.  Alright, I have my moments of doubt, but that usually happens at low moments, and can you blame me?

I haven't seen anything like those two little legs and feet since then, not for lack of trying.  Perhaps such clear signs are reserved for terribly low moments.  Nonetheless, I won't stop looking at the clouds - for their beauty, for the wonderful chance of seeing a fun shape, for the eternal hope of seeing something so purely Preston.