How is that comfortable?

Cats live like royalty.  They own whatever room they are in, and will not let you forget it.  There is no rule they won't break.  They are waited on hand and foot.  They don't have to work.  They sleep and play as much as they like.  What a life!  Yet it's not a life that I would enjoy living.  I spent months being unable to work because I had to wait for paperwork to be processed by the government and it was depressing.  I don't know that I'd enjoy having someone do everything for me.  I enjoy cooking.  I could probably do without the housekeeping duties, it's not something I enjoy at all.  I'm certainly not a great housekeeper, though I am trying to get better at it.

The cat trait I'd love to inherit though is being able to find comfort anywhere.  Whether it be in a box that's too small for me, sprawled out of the cold floor, or on the bed, with part of me hanging off.  I don't find comfort in a lot of places.  I can't fall asleep in a moving vehicle.. which made for an interesting trip to Hawaii for our honeymoon.  I know we had a layover somewhere... Oakland maybe.. and there was a delay, or there was just a really long wait between flights.  I think I was so tired that the details are really blurry.  All I know is I hadn't slept for what felt like 24 hours, and just totally crashed when we got to the hotel in Waikiki Beach.. Oops!  Though I blame Crohn's Disease too.  Pre-surgery, I slept a lot more.  It wasn't rare that I'd sleep until noon on the weekend.  I usually don't get past 9:00 am now, but it's usually closer to 7:00 or 8:00.  A little bit better than 5:00 on weekdays right? :)

All in all, I don't sleep well if I'm not at home in my own bed.  I love watching TV, but need a blanket for ultimate comfort.  I would snack all day long if I could because that too is very comforting to me, but that wouldn't really make sense for a girl trying to lose weight.  Food, warmth and sleep.. the trifecta of comfort!

I don't know how cats find it comfortable to fall asleep on the cold hardwood floor in the middle of winter.  Some things make sense, like Acro napping all afternoon in front of the fire place... oh so gracefully with his belly in the air.  I actually think that it would be too warm to sleep right by the fireplace, but I'm not a cat so who knows.  I guess that as long as they find it comfortable, I can't say I have a problem with that.  I love that they are comfortable.

I find my home as a whole comfortable.  There are a million projects to make it even more so, but I want this to be my forever home.  We dreamed of bigger houses as our children got older.  With Preston no longer being with us, I don't want to leave the comfort of this house that he knew as his only home.  It was comfortable to him.  He unlike me, could fall asleep anywhere.  The vacuum cleaner didn't wake him up, nor did the roar of the train in the distance.  I need a lot of coziness to stay asleep.

Regardless of my inability to sleep soundly like the rest of my family, including my crazy cats, this home is filled with warmth.  This home will forever bring me comfort as it's a reminder of the life that Preston lived, even if just for a short while.

What is your trifecta of comfort?

Routine

It isn't always easy to find a picture which fits my subject for the day.  Sure I can always use a picture of Preston but I only have a limited supply of those, and I prefer to stretch them out,  I thought I'd use this picture today, that of my cat, Calex, taking a snooze... because to me routine equals comfort.  Additionally it also equates to security and to a certain extent, normalcy.

I've been in and out of a routine since Preston was born.  Our routine was always being adjusted as Preston grew bigger.  His meals became less frequent.  His awake time became more frequent and for longer periods of time.  He began sleeping more at night.  3 months after his birth, I returned to work, and again, there were adjustments to our routine.  I picked him up from daycare 3 times a week.  I was getting the hang of it though.  Get ready in the morning for work.  Spend 15-20 minutes with Preston.  Go to work.  Work.  Pick-up Preston.  Feed Preston.  Make dinner & eat.  Play with Preston.  Feed Preston.  Rock Preston to sleep.  Rinse & repeat and plug in other weekly activities like groceries, dishes, etc.

When we lost Preston, routine went out the window.  There was nothing routine about our life anymore.  Routine had been deleted from our world.  I feel like it was non-existent for a while.  Every day was new, different and filled with different emotions.  There was a large hole in our lives, in our hearts.  There still is, but we've learned to adapt.  We've created a brand new routine and little by little, we tweak it to make it feel like we are normal people, even if we are not.

Routine brings comfort and security because I don't have to think about the future, and what could possibly go wrong next.  I don't have to anticipate the worse case scenarios, though, I don't know that it could get much worse than it already has gone.  That security of knowing, tomorrow is a work day, and I'll be busy until I get home from work, is soothing and a time of day that I know I can rest my mind from missing my son.

It was wonderful to be on vacation.  Going to bed and waking up whenever I pleased.  No need to make dinner, or do chores.  No phone calls to take.  To bills to pay.  No constant work during the day.  And the reminders of Preston in Vegas were few and far between, probably not a bad thing.  I don't want to associate Vegas with Preston.  At the same time, I didn't enjoy the lack of signs from Preston, reminders of my son.  However, I think it gave my mind and my heart a well deserved break after a tumultuous 8 months.

And now we are back.  Wake up at 5:00 and get ready for work.  Leave the house at 6:00.  Start working at 7:30 until 4:00.  Commute back home.  Clean the kitchen and make dinner.  Watch a bit of TV and hang out with hubby.  Bedtime.  Rinse and repeat.  Sound similar to your life?  Yeah, it probably does.  That factor makes us like normal people, brings that normalcy feeling to our lives.

Add the hole that exists in our lives and it becomes apparent that we unfortunately aren't normal.  I'd give anything for normal.  To fade into society.  Silence often surrounds me; on the train, at night, during my lunch break.  During those ever present moments of silence, I think of my son.  Of what could have been.  I remember his smile, and coos but I will never see and hear them again.  And then, it is morning again, and the routine brings me comfort again, as I am not forced to sit in a chair and think about my loss for every second of every day.  Routine is a welcome escape which enables me, to savor the moments I spend thinking about my son.  I may not be consciously thinking of him all day long, but he is never far from my thoughts and always, always and forever in my heart.

Does routine bring you comfort too?  If you don't have a set routine, do you think it would be helpful in your journey of grief?  If you aren't living through a loss, does routine help you with certain aspects of your life?

Home sweet home

Home is where the heart is.  Home sweet home.  There's no place like home.  We've all heard these sayings, but how often do we stop and really appreciate our home, what it provides for us and what it means to us.  On day 8 of my 30 days of gratitude challenge, I am thankful for my house; my home.

We've been living in this house for well over 4 years.  I loved it the instant we stepped inside.  It wasn't in an area we'd really considered living in, but I just really loved the house itself, the area, the trees and the views.

We'd been living in the northern suburbs of Denver since I moved to Colorado in 2008.  It was a really quaint apartment, I finally was comfortable with where everything was.  I was familiar with the new speed limits, highways, streets.  We almost bought a house a few blocks from our apartment complex, but the deal fell through and then we found this house, south of Denver.  It was more adjusting to a new area, but I became familiar, comfortable with it much quicker than the first time around.  I was sad to hear the reason the house was being sold - the previous owners were in the middle of a divorce.  I hoped that it wasn't a sign that there was bad "joo joo" in this house.  I've come to learn that you make your own luck, your own karma.  While tragedy has struck us, while you could consider us to be among the world's unluckiest people, we're still blessed with so much to be grateful about.

This isn't a sad house.  It is a loving, happy home.  While we might be dealing with devastation, this house is still full of love.  This house is the happy home that Preston knew.  It's the only home he knew.  It's where he first smiled.  It's where he enjoyed swinging, and bouncing.  It's where he was fed, where he slept, where he was cared for.  While I'm not a fan of moving, I always imagined we would buy a bigger house one day, most likely in the same neighborhood.  Now, I never want to leave.  I don't fear that Preston's spirit wouldn't find us where ever we go, but I just don't want to be away from where he lived, where he giggled, where he kicked, where he smiled that big smile of his.  Where he was happy, and where he made us feel complete.  That's where I want to be.

I love this house for its layout.  All the bedrooms are upstairs.  Our bedroom has an extra nook which we use as office space.  The living area on the main floor is open.  The basement is unfinished, like a blank canvas for us to do what we like with it.  When we moved in, it was move in ready but wasn't so modernized that we couldn't grow into it the way we wanted to.  A lot of work has been done outside.  We had to build a new shed when the one that came with the house crumbled after a hailstorm - well actually, it kept falling apart every time it was windy, or it rained...  This new shed - not going nowhere!  New roof, repaired fence, repaired deck stairs.  The stairs to the backyard have been leveled.  We had to replace our dishwasher when the electrical components decided to start burning... And that started the kitchen transformation.  When we save up enough, in comes a new stainless steel appliance.  I love my gas range double oven! I love what we paid for it even more, LOL.  I hate spending money... a problem my hubby doesn't share :)  We balance each other out really well!  Eventually, we'll have new counters, a nice backsplash... One thing at a time.

As you saw if you've been reading my blog, we have a new floor in our "front" room.  I don't know what else to call it.  Maybe our poker room?  We have a large poker table that we put in there.  Regardless of what to call it, I love the new floor, and I look forward to seeing the same floor in our living room.  Probably early spring.  Brett just steam cleaned the carpet in the living room, so I think it'll survive until then.  Looks so much better anyway. 

A good home must be made, not bought

This is a quote I read earlier, and I have to agree.  This didn't become home when we bought it.  It became home as we worked on it.  It became a home when we started making memories here.  When we had our first Christmas here.  When we celebrated finding out we were having a boy.  When we brought Preston home, and cared for him.  It became a home as we hosted friends for poker, dinner and other festivities.  It's a good home.  In just a few days, we will be hosting a fantasy football draft here with friends.  I know nothing about football, but I'm happy to be included and will be helping with recording picks, making dinner, and just interacting with old friends, and new friends.  I'm thankful that our friends feel comfortable in our home.  I'm thankful that family has a good time when they are over, and that we are able to provide them with a comfortable place to stay, away from their home.

I'm thankful for my home, because it's not only a roof over my head, which keeps me warm in the winter, and offers a cool environment in the summer thanks to our friend A/C.  I have a comfortable place to sleep, a functional kitchen to cook in, and a nice living room to relax in.  I'm thankful that we where able to give Preston a comfortable room of his own.  We've hidden away most of his things in his room now, so it looks messy, it's not easy to walk in.  It's remained pretty untouched since March.  One day, if we are blessed with another child, it will be hard turning it into the room of his younger sibling.  That wasn't the way it was suppose to be.  But hopefully, this room can once again become a happy room, a room filled with giggles, filled with coos.  Nonetheless, I have some memories in this room that I will cherish forever.