Positively February: Day 21

"Never fear shadows.  They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby."

I've often said, grief walk hand in hand with guilt.  It follows you like a shadow.  You wonder what you could have done differently to prevent your loss.  You ponder if you made the right decisions.  You evaluate every single action.  You torture yourself with questions you probably will never have answers to.

This shadow, I wish it would leave my side.  I wish it would exit my mind.  Yet, it does not.  Or usually not for extended periods of time.

Grief brings sadness.  Again this sadness is always chasing you like your shadow does, as you try to run away from it.  It is ready to creep up on you without a moment's notice.  We were watching a show today, and one of the character's mom passed away in her sleep.  That sent me for a loop.  That's what happen to Preston.  He took a nap and never woke up.  At least, I hope that's what happened since we don't really know for sure since the nanny had left him alone.  I would imagine, at least, this is a peaceful way to go.

Grief brings a lot of emotions and thoughts that will try to pull you into darkness.  These strong, often negative emotions lurk in the shadows ready to pounce on you when you are vulnerable, or more vulnerable.  I imagine, that these dark feelings and ideas will always be somewhere nearby.

Despite the shadows though, we always have the power to let the light in.  We can allow positivity into our lives and concentrate on the good memories, however few they may be.  We can remind ourselves that while the guilt is there, deep inside, we know we did EVERYTHING we could.  And the sadness?  Well the sadness, it exists because the love was so great.  The love will always be there.  Your child lives in your heart forever.  And if that's not a symbol of a light shining somewhere nearby, I don't know what is.

The Lonely Red Tree

For the past month the picture above has been what I stare at, from my seat on the train as I await for it to depart for Denver.  Why are the lights on all these trees white, except for a lone one which garnishes red little bulbs?  I've hypothesized for a month now.  I'm sure I'm reading way too much into it, but so go the thoughts in my head...

Christmas is a time of light.  A time for happiness, a time for family.  A time for celebration, a time to be grateful for Jesus and the sacrifices He and God made to give us this life that we have.  A time to rejoice.  However, for some, Christmas is not as joyful.  Some are homeless.  Some are alone.  Some are apart from their families as they try to protect our countries.  Some are without a loved one because they passed away this last year, or maybe years ago and it's just not quite the same without them.  For some, Christmas is a painful reminder of what they do not have.  I think this is well represented by the slew of trees decorated in white surrounding the one lone tree adorned in red.

You have to notice though, this lonely red tree is not off on it's own.  It is flanked by the sea of white lit trees.  Do I feel lonely this Christmas without Preston?  Absolutely.  Do I feel sad this Christmas because my son isn't here to see wrapping paper fly all around him? That he doesn't get to enjoy playing with the box instead of the toy inside of it?  Undeniably, yes.  Do I feel incomplete as I sit surrounded by loved ones?  Unfortunately, I do.  However, I am that - surrounded by love, by light.  Just like the little red tree.

Not only is Christmas about coming together with loved ones, but it is also about opening our hearts to those less fortunate.  We donate to food drives, and charities.  We give coats that we don't use anymore.  We offer our homes to those who don't have a place to celebrate.  We have light in our hearts and don't ostracize the sad, the lonely, the hungry.

To whoever decorated those trees, thank you.  Thank you for the reminder that I am not alone feeling this way on Christ's birthday.  Thank you for making me think all month, and come to peace with the fact that it is acceptable for me to feel sadness throughout this holiday season.  Thank you for giving a new meaning to the town of Lone Tree, that same town my son was born in.  This little lonely red tree gave me a lot of inspiration, and hopefully it did for many others.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas.