A sweet scent always follows a storm

We have been plagued by rain for weeks, which is rather unusual for Colorado, event in May.  I tried to dig up some numbers, and I don't know how accurate they are, but here's to just give you an idea.  On average, Denver (30 miles/just under 50 kilometers south of where we live) gets about 2.25 to 2.5 inches of precipitations in May.  So far, Denver has gotten over 6.5 inches and the month isn't quite over, and guess what, it's raining again.

It's pretty much rained every single day, which has prevented me from tiling and seeding my garden.  Perhaps it's not such a bad thing since the temperatures have also dipped rather low at night.  There seemed to be a little layer of frost on the ground this morning.

The weather seems to affect our moods.  I remember in my cashier days at the grocery store, when we'd have 4 consecutive days of rain, the clientele got bad tempered.  They were annoyed by the littlest things, irritable and hard to please.  It gave me an appreciation for not letting the rain affect me.  Living in Colorado, I am grateful for the rain.  Granted, I know that it can easily cause floods in some areas of the state, and I'm not a fan of that.  But if it's not floods, it's wildfires... it doesn't seem like there's a proper balance.

I however can't say that the weather doesn't affect my mood.  A snow storm brings a nice smile to my face.  A rainbow, more smiles.  Sunshine, it just feels nice.  And rain, I personally find it calming.

Friday, on my way home, I struggled.  As I awaited the train, it seems like ambulances were speeding by me, one after the other, sirens blaring and lights blinking.  One even stopped in front of the building I was standing next to.  The paramedics got out, and then the gurney was taken out and I just about lost it.  I haven't seen one since the last time I was in the hospital, saying goodbye to my little boy.  I wasn't in the ambulance with him.  I never saw him come out of the ambulance.  But I've pictured it a million times.  I never get really far before needing to think about something else.  I'm about there right now.

It didn't get better when I got on the train.  We passed another ambulance just a couple stops later.  I hadn't even left downtown and I'd seen at least 3 ambulances, and heard what felt like another 2 or 3.   I hoped it wasn't foreshadowing the type of weekend I was about to have.

I read for most of the train ride home, trying to stay distracted so that my eyes didn't catch another ambulance.  It was raining when I got to the final stop and of course, I'd forgotten my umbrella at work.  Oh well, rain doesn't make you melt and it smells divine.  When I pulled out of the parking garage, to my left, floating in the sky, was a beautiful rainbow.  It was large, and the bright colors pierced through the dark clouds behind it.  The first rainbow of 2015.  Since I was driving, I wasn't able to capture a picture of it.  It made me a little bummed, but I was smiling the whole way home.  My little Preston, shining down on me after some rough moments earlier as I remembered losing him all over again.

When I got home, my friend Dana had posted the following on Facebook:

Preston just wanted to say hi and that he's thinking of you momma!

 Photo courtesy of Dana Matthews Falliaux

Dana, that post meant so much to me.  One, I'm so honored that you think of Preston, that you think of him when you see rainbows and bunnies, but just the fact that you think of him.  And then that you shared this... it memorialized a moment I thought I'd lost when I couldn't take a picture of the first 2015 rainbow.  I'm also so touched that you believe this rainbow was my sweet P saying hi to me.  That's exactly what I thought when I saw it, and it makes me feel less crazy that other people believe it too.  So again, thank you!  You are amazing, and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. <3

Even when those bad moments occur, when the going gets rough, know that things will get better, easier.  It might be a slow process, it might take a really long time.  But it does get better.  And in the meantime, savor those moments - be they a calming rainfall or a beautiful ray of sunshine.  Be those moments be filled with clouds, or with a few rainbows, here and there.

One year unexpected, the next - in the forecast

It is Mother's Day Eve.  As I type this blog entry, the snow is steadily falling to the ground and has already formed a thin blanket on the ground.  It has been snowing for hours now.  I am feeling something I don't often feel - true happy.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that my life is brimming with sadness.  I have a great husband, a wonderful home, a job I enjoy, a loving family, fantastic friends and am blessed with so many things I am grateful for.  Unfortunately, every day is a reminder that someone is missing from my life.  This cheerful, always smiling little soul.  This giggling and wiggling little boy.  That notion that weighs on my heart, day in and day out, takes it's toll on my happiness.

I know it's ironic that I feel this way, when the goal of my blog is to spread happiness in the name of my son.  And I truly try every day to be happy.  I find ways to smile and have a good time most days.  I don't want anyone to think that I'm living in a dark, hopeless place filled with sadness.  I very easily could go to that place, but I choose not to.  Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that happiness comes easy.

Every day, I try to remind myself that my son would want me to continue living my life, a good life, a happy life.  It's hard, and I truly aspire to find that happiness every day.  I have joyful moments every week for sure.

This feeling I'm feeling right now though... pure happiness.  Last year, the thought of Mother's Day was tough.  I'd just lost my baby boy 2 months earlier and I was still struggling through the fog of those first months of grief.  It didn't feel right or fair.  It still doesn't and it isn't.  I had a hard time wanting to celebrate anyone, including my own mother and mother-in-law.  I just wanted to stay home and be with my thoughts.  I just wanted to be able to think of my son and remember him.  I kind of wanted to be alone, or at the very least, just with my husband.  I wanted to be in the home that Preston knew.  Where he was loved and happy.  It's where I feel closest to him.

We were supposed to go visit my in-laws but unexpectedly, a snow storm blew through and it was safer for us not to travel to the mountains.  I got my "wish".  I was able to stay home, and think of my son on my own timeless and not feel pressured into celebrations I wasn't ready for.  I believed wholeheartedly that it was a snowstorm from Preston.  He knew what I needed, and he gave it to me.  After all, my baby only really knew winter... seemed fitting that this blizzard was a sign from him.

It was probably just a month or month and a half after the "flash" snowstorm that had moved me so on a Sunday afternoon.  That storm that came out of nowhere and was over just as quickly revealing the sun in all its beauty.  That storm that gave me hope and felt like a message from Preston saying "Don't worry, as the storms come and go, so will your emotions, but they will pass, and the sun will always come back out".  Those storms have made me associate a lot of snowstorms with Preston.

As you may recall from one of my last posts, I've hoped for snow again this Mother's Day.  Not necessarily because I don't want to celebrate anyone else, but mostly just because I miss Preston and it would remove all doubts for me that last year's blizzard was just that a storm, and not a sign from my son.  It may not be Mother's Day quite yet, but consider my doubts gone.

You may say, well last year the storm was unexpected and this year, it's been in the forecast for days.  My friend and co-worker Lisa put it beautifully - "he had time to plan it this year".  Thank you for that Lisa.  You are right.  He certainly did.

Wishing a Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms out there; my Mom who instilled perseverance in my, my Mother-in-Law who's welcome me into her family as one of her own, my Aunts who have shown me that family supports each other through thick and thin.  My friends who have little ones of their own, you do a wonderful job raising those beautiful children.  My sister-in-law who's provided a loving home and continues to raise my smart and gorgeous niece and nephews.  My husband's sister who's currently expecting her first, and is filled with excitement.  My cousins who like my aunts, have shown me that family supports each other through it all, and who themselves have beautiful children who I one day hope to meet.

Wishing a gentle Mother's Day to the Mamas out there who have lost.  Whether you have living children or not, I know that it is a difficult day nonetheless.  Remember that you are a survivor.  Remember that your child matters, even though no one can see him, her or them.  You are a warrior, and a superhero Mama.  Don't ever forget it. <3

And to those who have lost their Mom, I know that this marks a difficult day for you too.  Cherish the memories of your Mom.  Remember the happy times, hold on to your favorite memories.  Share them.  If you feel you have no place to share them, I invite you to share them here.

Much love to everyone <3
xxxxxx