#CaptureYourGrief - Day 23: Inspiration

"Living an inspired life is one of the greatest things you could ever do. Waking up feeling excited about my day is something that I never imagined would happen after our son died, but it did. I know today’s subject will not resonate with some people as the thought of waking up feeling inspired to be alive is one of the last things you are feeling. So if you feel you cannot take part today, maybe just have a look at what others are saying. It is my hope that this post might inspire some feelings in your own heart to start searching for some inspiration for your own life. "

This was the caption from Carly Marie's #CaptureYourGrief for day 23.  I felt that it was important to quote this, because, I like many bereaved parents am not excited to wake up every morning.  I don't feel a lot of excitement toward life, nor have I for more than half of 2014.  This does not mean though, that I don't have any inspiration, and that I don't want to live an inspired life.  Quite the contrary.  I'm just not quite where Carly Marie is.  I'm pretty sure that she is 7 years out from losing her son; I am 7 months out.  Perhaps this excitement for life will return once we have children to hold.  Or perhaps just with time.

In the meantime, I can in all honesty say that Preston, my sweet P, is definitely a source of inspiration for me.  He inspires me to share my journey with others - parents who might be living through a loss similar as mine, or one that isn't similar at all.  But remember, all losses are important and cannot be compared.  Perhaps my journey can also help others, who haven't lost a child, but who are dealing with intense struggles, like the loss of a parent or friend, living with a chronic illness like I do, dealing with depression, or just going through a difficult time in their life.  Whoever you are that is reading this post, some of my posts, all of my posts - I hope that you are able to take something away from my journey.  Because while writing this blog is extremely healing and releasing for me, its premise is to spread happiness to honor my son.  It's goal is to touch the lives of others, and help them along the way.  And all that, was inspired by Preston, my sweet little boy gone too soon.

His smile was incredibly contagious.  I seriously could spend all day trying to make him smile, not that it was incredibly difficult once he figured it out.  It filled my heart with happiness, and every time he'd grace me with a smile, it felt like I was seeing it for the first time.  Magical.  I had the courage to watch all his videos yesterday, and it was difficult, I won't lie.  So close like he was within reach, yet so far never to be held again.  At the same time, it did me some good.  It was fabulous to see his smile, and it gave me the courage to go about my day.

Having the drive to do anything can be difficult.  Motivation is hard to find when you've lost something so precious.  I've learned that no matter what though, you just have to keep going.  The clocks don't stop ticking.  The world doesn't stop turning.  The wind doesn't stop blowing.  Finding that inspiration that Preston has given me, has been the greatest gift since losing him.  Finding the little things that might make me smile and sharing them with the world, makes me feel like there's always something to look forward to, eventually.  Finding a way to smile, laugh every day, makes each day, a little easier.  And sure guilt will poke it's nasty head as you laugh, and smile, but know that you shouldn't let it overtake you.  You are a survivor, and you have every right in the world to share a laugh, and smile your heart away.  Just like my little boy was a fighter, fighting his way to come home from the hospital, fighting his way to catch up in weight and size for little boys his age.  Everyone has that fight in them.  And even if you stand alone, that's okay.  Keep fighting.  What are you fighting for?  I'm fighting for a happier world, to honor my son, Preston, Prince of Smiles.

Inspiration doesn't come easy

Inspiration doesn't come easy.  It happens often that I'm not sure what I'm going to write about on any given day.  I also consider about how I will relate it to Preston, or losing Preston.  Most days, it simply just flows as I type, but there are other times where I just struggle to find something to write about... and it's not that I don't have things to write about.  I have an idea list of over 12 subjects.  But those are reserved for other days.  Days where I can dedicate hours to the blog entry.  Days where I can think about the subject and let it soak through so that I can let out everything on the subject.  Days where it feels like the right time.

I think about Preston every day, as you can probably tell if you've been reading my blog long enough.  I miss him every day, but I've somehow found a way to not let the pain and sorrow of my loss consume my every thought.  That too, has not come easy.  For all I know, it could simply be temporary.  Perhaps the reality of everything hasn't set in yet.  My mind knows all too well that he isn't coming back, but it's possible that my heart hasn't figured it out yet.

I got to see a bunny earlier this evening.  It had been quite a while since I'd gotten a sign from my little guy though I think he really helped me last night.  I usually don't sleep well when Brett isn't with me.  With everything that's happened in the past 5 months, I was anticipating my first night alone to be a long one.  One where I was awake all night, crying off and on, feeling alone.  While my evening had it's tough moments, I was able to fall asleep quickly and didn't spend the night tossing and turning as I usually do.  I think there might have been a little angel caressing my head as I slept to help me through what should have been an understandably difficult night.  I didn't wake up upset.  I didn't wake up tired.  Coincidence? :)

Today may not have been the most productive day, but I did accomplish a few tasks off my weekend to-do list.  I did a couple chores, fixed my garden after the small hail storm that hit us on Thursday, and finished emptying the china cabinet.  I also allowed myself to play World of Warcraft which I hadn't done since sometime in March or April.  I spent a lot of time playing right after Preston passed away just to occupy my mind with something that couldn't possibly trigger a painful thought.  It helped to a certain degree, I think.  I got to talk with my friend "Soraxen" for a little while.  This guy is great, I've actually met him in real life and he's just one of the sweetest people I know.  Certainly made me smile to be able to say hello!

And, yes I watched a lot of mindless TV as I cleaned, emptied and played.  Several cooking shows including the first part of Chopped Teen Tournament.  I think it's nice of the show to do this tournament to award a teen with $25,000 and a $40,000 scholarship to culinary school.  It's also nice to see teens with such passion for something.  That itself is pretty inspiring.  Perhaps inspiring enough to get me to cook more than I have been lately.  I've been lazy lately on that front.  I shouldn't be, I have so many recipes that the inspiration should be right there!  "Yesterday, you said tomorrow".  Great quote that I love.  Time for me to start living by it instead of just thinking it.

I think inspiration, whether it be for a blog post, for being a better person, or just for our daily lives, is very difficult to come by.  And sometimes we'll find something inspiring and we'll think, this is the push I need, but yet we don't do what we promise ourselves.  Or is that just me who does that?  With Preston, he was my inspiration.  He was my reason for everything.  But just because he's gone, doesn't mean that he still can't be my reason to push myself harder.  Just because I can't take care of him anymore, doesn't mean I shouldn't take care of myself or the people around me.  Tomorrow, here I come.