Since you've been gone

Dear Preston,

It's that awful day again.  It's been 4 years now, can you believe it?  I wonder if you are even aware of time passage in Heaven.  I hope you are surrounded by loved ones on this day.

I constantly wonder if you've grown or what it's like up there?  I've heard that in Heaven, there's no bodies and you're just a spirit or energy.  It doesn't stop me from wondering what you look like at 4 years old.  And what about your mind?  Do you instantly become aware of everything and can understand all my thoughts?  Or do you still have the mind of a four month old?

I don't know what to believe, but I know this.  You know when I need you.  I can feel it whenever I call out to you in my head.  Whenever I need reassurance, you send me some kind of sign.  For years, I've looked to see a license plate that would have your initials.  It made me feel like if I could see it, you would be telling me that you are thinking of me.

This weekend on the way back from swim class with your sister, there was a car in front of me with the following plate:  SWT PEA

Do you remember that I always called you Sweet P?  I think this is as close as I'm going to get.  Seeing it days just days before having to deal with today - it reminded me that you are with me wherever I go.  You keep me grounded.

I spent the day with your sister today.  We cuddled as we watched a variety of shows she enjoys.  We went shopping for some clothes for her.  She keeps growing!  I feel guilty whenever I have a thought along the lines of I wish she would stop growing or I wish she would stay a baby forever.  Because I know what it's like to have a baby stop growing.  I want her to have a long healthy life.  I wanted that for you too.

Without think about it, we ended up buying three articles of clothing with rainbows on it.  A Mickey/Minnie Mouse t-shirt that I thought was cute.  A t-shirt with a sequin heart and a rainbow within the heart.  And a rainbow striped dress - your sister picked that one herself with no help from me.  While Sami napped, I removed all the tags from the new clothes and was telling your dad how Sami picked that dress.  He said something that hadn't even occurred to me: that's interesting considering what today is.

I kept busy during her nap.  Probably one of the roughest nap times considering you passed during a nap on this dreadful day.  I meal prepped our slow cooker dinner for tomorrow.  Before I knew it, she was awake. 

I took her to the park which is her new favorite thing to do.  We were gone for over an hour.  She had fun going up to the slide and sliding down.  She liked going through the little tunnels they have on the playground.  She kept wanting to go say hi to Nemo, a plastic statue they have at the pool which is located next to the park.  He's gated in and the pool is closed so all she could do was wave to him through the fence.

We also went to the pet store so that she could see the fishies and any other animals that might be there.  I had wanted to take her to the zoo, but there just was too many other things I wanted to do.

She smiled a lot.  So did I.

It leaves me perplexed with how I feel today.  I've had happy moments for sure.  I've had moments where I've been sad.  I had trouble putting your sister down to sleep tonight.  She fell asleep so fast after having such a fun day.  I didn't want to let go.  I felt guilty for having fun without you.

Since you've been gone, those are feelings that I have almost every day.  And then I remember the rainbows, and the bunnies.  I remember that you want me to have happiness in my life, and I try so hard to have it.  Your sister makes it easy.  She's my sunshine.

Perhaps it's fitting that I say this is her song:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy, when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
No please don't take my sunshine away

It's my prayer every day.

I miss you terribly, but I know that you hear my prayer.  I know because she makes a sound in her sleep whenever I'm worried.  I see rainbows in unexpected places - a reflection on the floor as I walk into the office from the light catching the glass door at just the right angle.

I know you are with me as I continue this incredibly difficult journey without you.  But I still miss you, and I always will.  Thank you for being our guardian angel.

Thinking of you always,
-Mama

2 years gone by

March 13th. The bane of my existence.  2 years ago, the absolute worst day of my life.  It replays in my mind over and over again.

2 years have come and gone since Preston passed away.  It's hard to believe.  It's been the longest 2 years without him.  How I wish he could be there to see his little sister grow.  I bet he would teach her so much.  I bet they would have so much fun together.  Instead, she is deprived of his sweet existence.

I wish I wrote on my blog more often.  Time has made it so I don't need to write as often.  The arrival of Samantha, has reduced the amount of time I have to write.  I think of my little man every single day.  I constantly talk to him, as Sami's guardian angel.  I miss him eternally.

I don't like to remember this day.  I have said it before, I wish I could erase it from the calendar.  But it is hard to forget such a day.  I don't wish to celebrate this day in any way, but I do like the thought of making it into a family day.  This year, that didn't really happen.

The day was difficult for sure.  As to not help things, for the first time, Sami is sick with a cold.  A stuffy nose and a little cough.  Given the date, I hardly slept last night wanting to make sure she was breathing ok.  On top of her having a cold, hubby and I also have it.  And I had some minor food poisoning last night.  Perfect storm right?

We spent as much time together today as possible, but it was interrupted by naps so that we can all heal from this cold.  And then chores that had to be done because tomorrow is Monday, and my first full week back to work.

The nice thing is, despite feeling ill, Sami still flashed her smile a ton today.  Which helped a ton to get through this day.

Every day without Preston remains, and will always remain difficult.  I can't fathom that 2 years have passed by, yet like I said earlier, it's also been a very long, dragged out two years.  I reckon that every year that passes will feel like that when it comes to my son.

Sweet P.  How I miss you.  How I wish things could be different.  I long to hold you and cuddle with you.  I pray that Heaven is a beautiful place, and that you are able to flash your smile for everyone.  I pray that you continue to live on in people's hearts.  People you've met, people who you've touched through this blog.  For sure, you live on in my heart.  Every single day. I love you. xxxx

This is the last picture I have of Preston.  Taken 3/10/2014

Endless year, quick year

I attended our support group tonight.  Two of the couples who also attended, are days away from the one year mark of the loss of their precious children - Ryder and Salem.  Since the holidays have passed, Preston's angelversary has certainly been on my mind.  I mentioned something tonight that everyone seemed to agree with - it's been the shortest and longest year of my life.  Time is relative - you've probably read this statement within my blog maybe times.

It's been the shortest year because it seems like a bad dream that Preston is gone.  It feels like losing him just happened.  And it did - 10 months ago.  It feels like the longest year because at the same time, it feels like a decade ago that I held my baby.

When I came home, I did something I seldom do - I opened the door to Preston's room and walked in.  I stroked the mattress in his crib where he used to lay.  I looked in the mini bassinet that we stored in the crib after he passed - when we needed to hideaway all his things.  We continue to have that need.  It was filled with some toys, onesies, binkies and right on top - his social security card.  Remember how I'd been looking for it? Funny how things turn up.  It gave me hope, even if only for a fleeting moment.

I was sad after stepping into his room, looking through a few things, reminiscing about the nights I spent in this nursery, rocking my little guy to sleep.  I was sad thinking about the upcoming days for my friends Abi and Ryan, Brittani & Skyler.  Milestones should be happy, but for the bereaved parent, they are something you dread.  They hurt.  They are reminders of what isn't.  What we are missing.  What should be.  I myself wish I could permanently erase March 13th from the calendar.  

Will you think of my friends for the next week or so?  Send them positive energy, keep them in your prayers, close to your heart.  I know it sounds absurd to a lot of people, but the power of positive energy is mightier than you think.  I often feel like I'm able to get up every morning because of all the support I have.  Because of all the positive energy everyone sends my way.  Because I'm in your prayers.  So, I do believe it makes a difference.  If you are so inclined, I'd even encourage you to do a random act of kindness for Ryder and Salem.  Keep their memory alive.

In closing, I want to share what a friend and her husband did on Preston's birthday to spread happiness.  I have so many to share, and tonight felt appropriate to share this one.  That moment of hope I felt earlier, being in Preston's room, missing him, remembering brought this on.

Teddy bears were Preston's theme, as I've shared before.  He was to be a Cubs fan, so teddy bears only made sense.  Jess and her husband Brendan donated Tucker, a teddy bear, to the Toy Shop for Dolls for Daughters.  Tucker was given a #SpreadHappinessForPreston card and the child who receives Tucker, will learn all about Preston.  I was so touched when I read Jess' card, about this gesture, and donation.  It tugged at all the strings of my heart - in a good way.  The teddy bear, making a child smile by receiving said teddy bear, and sharing Preston with another person.  What more could a mom want?  Thank you guys.  Thank you for sharing my son's story, his life, his smile.  Thank you for your wishes for peace on Preston's birthday and every other day.  Really, truly it makes such a difference in my life.  You make such an impact, and I don't think I could ever repay you. <3