A sweet scent always follows a storm

We have been plagued by rain for weeks, which is rather unusual for Colorado, event in May.  I tried to dig up some numbers, and I don't know how accurate they are, but here's to just give you an idea.  On average, Denver (30 miles/just under 50 kilometers south of where we live) gets about 2.25 to 2.5 inches of precipitations in May.  So far, Denver has gotten over 6.5 inches and the month isn't quite over, and guess what, it's raining again.

It's pretty much rained every single day, which has prevented me from tiling and seeding my garden.  Perhaps it's not such a bad thing since the temperatures have also dipped rather low at night.  There seemed to be a little layer of frost on the ground this morning.

The weather seems to affect our moods.  I remember in my cashier days at the grocery store, when we'd have 4 consecutive days of rain, the clientele got bad tempered.  They were annoyed by the littlest things, irritable and hard to please.  It gave me an appreciation for not letting the rain affect me.  Living in Colorado, I am grateful for the rain.  Granted, I know that it can easily cause floods in some areas of the state, and I'm not a fan of that.  But if it's not floods, it's wildfires... it doesn't seem like there's a proper balance.

I however can't say that the weather doesn't affect my mood.  A snow storm brings a nice smile to my face.  A rainbow, more smiles.  Sunshine, it just feels nice.  And rain, I personally find it calming.

Friday, on my way home, I struggled.  As I awaited the train, it seems like ambulances were speeding by me, one after the other, sirens blaring and lights blinking.  One even stopped in front of the building I was standing next to.  The paramedics got out, and then the gurney was taken out and I just about lost it.  I haven't seen one since the last time I was in the hospital, saying goodbye to my little boy.  I wasn't in the ambulance with him.  I never saw him come out of the ambulance.  But I've pictured it a million times.  I never get really far before needing to think about something else.  I'm about there right now.

It didn't get better when I got on the train.  We passed another ambulance just a couple stops later.  I hadn't even left downtown and I'd seen at least 3 ambulances, and heard what felt like another 2 or 3.   I hoped it wasn't foreshadowing the type of weekend I was about to have.

I read for most of the train ride home, trying to stay distracted so that my eyes didn't catch another ambulance.  It was raining when I got to the final stop and of course, I'd forgotten my umbrella at work.  Oh well, rain doesn't make you melt and it smells divine.  When I pulled out of the parking garage, to my left, floating in the sky, was a beautiful rainbow.  It was large, and the bright colors pierced through the dark clouds behind it.  The first rainbow of 2015.  Since I was driving, I wasn't able to capture a picture of it.  It made me a little bummed, but I was smiling the whole way home.  My little Preston, shining down on me after some rough moments earlier as I remembered losing him all over again.

When I got home, my friend Dana had posted the following on Facebook:

Preston just wanted to say hi and that he's thinking of you momma!

 Photo courtesy of Dana Matthews Falliaux

Dana, that post meant so much to me.  One, I'm so honored that you think of Preston, that you think of him when you see rainbows and bunnies, but just the fact that you think of him.  And then that you shared this... it memorialized a moment I thought I'd lost when I couldn't take a picture of the first 2015 rainbow.  I'm also so touched that you believe this rainbow was my sweet P saying hi to me.  That's exactly what I thought when I saw it, and it makes me feel less crazy that other people believe it too.  So again, thank you!  You are amazing, and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. <3

Even when those bad moments occur, when the going gets rough, know that things will get better, easier.  It might be a slow process, it might take a really long time.  But it does get better.  And in the meantime, savor those moments - be they a calming rainfall or a beautiful ray of sunshine.  Be those moments be filled with clouds, or with a few rainbows, here and there.

Quiet night

I don't like loud things.  As I sit writing my entry tonight, I hear the crickets chirp.  I hear the jingles of Acro and Calex's bells from their collars as they run the night away downstairs. I hear the hum of the fan from Brett's desktop computer in the office just behind our bedroom. I hear an occasional car go by on the side street.  I hear my fingers hit the keys on my laptop as I type.

I have a soft voice and don't like to speak loudly or yell.  I don't like being yelled at, does anyone?  I guess I do enjoy blasting a good song while driving in my car... but that's about all the loud I can stand.  We were so blessed as Preston was a very quiet baby boy.  His cry was sweet.  His coos were adorably soft.  He was never loud.  I'd trade anything to have him back, even if it meant having him be the loudest baby in the world. 

It's the first time that I'm alone in the house, overnight, since Preston passed away.  I'm not quite sure how I feel about it yet, but I know it's something I was going to have to do eventually, so why not bite the bullet now?  Brett went over to his parents' house to help with a project tomorrow morning.  I had a few things to do around the house and since I also want to be able to take some time to relax over the weekend,  I felt I wouldn't have the chance to do too much of that if I went with. He'll be spending a big chunk of tomorrow up there.  And, like I said earlier, I needed to bite the bullet at some point; He'll have to go out of town on business at some point.  At least, right now, he's close-ish if I were to totally go crazy and need him home with me.

I spent the evening emptying out the china cabinet in preparation for Brett to remove the carpet and start the tiling project.  All I have left are the delicate wine glasses and other drinkware.  I need to go buy thinner paper to wrap them in. What I used for the rest of the dishes and various trinkets I keep in the cabinet is just too thick.  How is it that we accumulate so much stuff?  And I'm one of those people who doesn't like to throw out anything because of the memories.  I was starting to think that I need to get rid of a lot of things, but you know, sometimes memories are all you have left.. so if you want to hold on to them, do it!  Go down memory lane one day and let yourself smile by remembering happy times.  If they don't make you smile, then maybe it's time to get rid of the things that just create more clutter.

Back to my evening, I emptied the cabinet, and caught up on General Hospital, woohoo.  Looking forward to next week, looks like Nathan aka Detective SexyPants is about to figure out that Levi is a crook!  Yay!  Can't stand Levi - lol.  Ah, yes a glimpse into my addiction to GH...  That is a topic for another day ;)

When I finished with all that, I tried listening to a song I liked to sing to my sweet P when I was trying to get him to fall asleep - Show 'Em (What You're Made Of).  Yes, that's a Backstreet Boys song.  Sue me, I grew up in the 80s and 90s and I still like their music.  No shame here.  Interestingly enough, whenever I hear a new song of theirs, it becomes my new favorite BSB song: first it was "Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely", then it was "Drowning", then it was "Incomplete".  Now it's "Show 'Em (What You're Made Of).  I liked the song when I first heard it because it rang so true to me (sound familiar? lol).  I liked singing it to Preston because he was so tiny and it talks about not giving up and fighting.  I felt like he was my little fighter, growing as fast as he could given that he didn't get the chance to "bake" for 40 weeks.  Part of the lyrics say: "You find the truth in a child’s eyes/When the only limit is the sky/Living proof I see myself in you".  I did see myself in him.  He had fight, just like I did especially in the past years with all my health issues.  But, since I'd like to eventually make a post about this song, I'll stop here.
I couldn't get through the song.  I tried singing it and only ended up bawling my eyes out.  Sometimes, it just has to come out though, so I had my good cry, and I feel ok right now.  I'd been having this weird and strong urge to go sit in the rocking chair in Preston's room and read him "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish".  After all, he can probably still hear me talk to him.  Well, I hope he does, because I often do speak to him.  But this one time, I wanted it to be about Preston, and not about me and what I am feeling.  So I did.  I was still crying some when I went to his room, but I did it.  I read the whole book, out loud, like I used to read it to my little boy.  I touched a few of his things.  The cats even came in the room to visit.  I wonder if they realize what happened.  It really doesn't seem so.  But, I think I tried to do a little too much because I eventually couldn't take it anymore and had to close the door again.  And now here I am.

Was all this therapeutic?  Probably, in a sense.  I want to be able to go into Preston's room.  We had a lot of good times in his room.  I want to be able to go in there and smile, instead of just feel heartache and pain.  Was it worth the self inflicted heartache?  Totally.  I got to read to my baby again.  I know I wasn't holding him in my arms, but it made me feel close to him for a few moments.  Is it hard to be alone right now?  Absolutely, but, I also think that it's good for me.  I needed to do these things, and I don't think I would have done them if Brett was home.  I wouldn't want to risk hurting him more than he's already hurting.  Is it something I want to do every week?  No, not really.  I think I need these moments to be special and not routine.  I think letting it become routine could be dangerous for my psyche.  Confuse dream with reality.  It's too easy to do.

One day at a time.  One moment at a time.  One step at a time.  I feel like I've taken a big step today, even though it was really difficult.  Is there something you are needing to bite the bullet on, but just haven't taken the plunge?  Is something holding you back?  I will hold your hand, as you continue to hold mine.