As October wraps up, I've decided to post about the topics listed in this year's "Capture Your Grief" project that speak the most to me. Music was the topic for day 19. I thought, how perfect. Music was really special to me an Preston.
I've always been drawn to lyrics. The music that accompanies them makes it just that much more fun. Preston and I would listen to music via the Music Choice channels provided by our Comcast service. We'd listen to music for babies, but also hits from the '90s and 2000s, because, well I like that music. We'd dance and sing and it always seemed to soothe him.
His favorite was probably the music from his swing though. Whenever I needed him to sleep, I could just turn on the lullabies that his swing played. When he was younger, I'd have to play "Lullaby" via YouTube. It was one of the only things that would put him to sleep. I wonder if I'll ever have the heart to play it for Samantha... It's really emotional for me to listen to it as I type. I guess, time will tell. Perhaps somethings will just have to be for Preston and I... much like I'm sure, somethings will be just for Sami and I.
After losing Preston, I couldn't listen to music. I wouldn't listen to it in the house, and every time I tried to in the car, it was a song that reminded me of my loss. Everything was "baby" this, and "baby" that. Or it was about break-ups which if you listen closely enough, the lyrics can easily apply to loss. It was In the Arms of an Angel and Tears in Heaven. While I wanted to be able to sing a song while driving to make me stop thinking about my loss, the reminders were just constant and too painful.
It took a lot of attempts, but I finally was able to listen to music again, as I rode the train into work. I didn't have to concentrate on the road. I was already thinking about Preston and many songs helped me put my feelings into words. Sometimes the songs made me smile. Sometimes they made me cry. Those things still happen on a weekly basis. If you enjoy music and lyrics, and you have been through a loss, try to listen to music. It won't be easy, I know. But I think it will be good for you. Hopefully, it will even be healing.
I thought I'd share a song that became really special to me and Preston. I think I've mentioned it in the past, but I don't recall how much detail I went into. I discovered the song one night when Preston was up late and I was surfing the On-Demand music related videos on our TV. Ironically, while looking for a few details on the song, I just realized that the video was released the day Preston was born. How crazy is that?
It was a new song by the Backstreet Boys that I'd never heard of, so I was curious and clicked on the video. I loved the song immediately and ended up downloading it on my iPod. Whenever Preston would get sleepy, I'd play it, sing along and he'd fall asleep after one or two renditions. If you want to listen to the song and see the video, click here. Oh and don't mind the shirtless guys (or hey, enjoy the shirtless guys!)
The lyrics spoke to me, and they continue to.
Show 'em (What You're Made Of)
I've seen it all a thousand times
Falling down I'm still alive. Am I? Am I?
So hard to breathe when the water's high
No need to swim, I'll learn to fly. So high. So high.
You find the truth in a child's eyes
When the only limit is the sky
Living proof, I see myself in you
When walls start to close in
Your heart is frozen over
Just show 'em what you're made of
When sunlight is fading
The world will be waiting for you
Just show 'em what you're made of
Gloves are off, ready to fight
Like a lion I will survive. Will I? Will I?
You gotta stand for something
Even if you stand alone, don't be afraid
It's gonna be alright
You find the truth in a child's eyes
When the only limit is the sky
Living proof, I see myself in you
When walls start to close in
Your heart is frozen over
Just show 'em what you're made of
When sunlight is fading
The world will be waiting for you
Just show 'em what you're made of
You find the truth in a child's eyes
When the only limit is the sky
Living proof, I see myself in you
When walls start to close in
Your heart is frozen over
Just show 'em what you're made of
When sunlight is fading
The world will be waiting for you
Just show 'em what you're made of
Really when I look back on my life, I've fallen down a thousand times. At least. Well maybe sometimes I've been shoved down when I least wanted to be. Losing Preston, was the steepest fall, and it really left me feeling numb. Wondering if it was true. If I was still alive. It scarred me for life. But I had to learn to navigate this new life without Preston. Preston taught me that when it comes to certain things, there's no right or wrong way. There's just your way. And, truthfully, I saw myself in him. The little fighter that could.
I'll keep on surviving, even when every instinct in my body wants to give up because it's just too hard. I've survived the worse possible thing that can happen to a person, so really, what could be harder? Right?
I hope that Preston can continue reaching people around the world. I hope that he continues to make a difference. And maybe in the end, 10 years from now, I'll be the only one fighting this fight - Spreading Happiness for Preston. And if that's the case, so be it. I'll keep spreading all the smiles that he gave me. All the happiness he shared with me. All the goodness he taught me.
Don't give up on your fight, whatever it is. With hard work and dedication, you can make it what you want it to be. What you need it to be. Show 'em what you're made of.
