Sami's Corner - 6 months

Well, here we are! 6 months!  What an amazing feeling.  And I must say, Samantha is so much fun at this age.  What difference a month has made.  She loves to play and wants something to do at all times, which I find great for her mental and physical development. Yay!

Weight & Length: Again, I'm going to guestimate since we don't go to the doctor for another 2 weeks (for her "6 month" check up & shots)... I believe she hovers between 13.5 to 14 pounds.  And she looks to be about 28 inches long.

Features:  Her hair has grown and continues to be very wispy.  It stands on it's own but it's definetely filling out on the sides and at the back of her head.  Her lips I've decided are mine, and perhaps her ears too, but there rest of her face... it's all Dada.

Feedings:  This girl loves her rice cereal.  She will lunge for the spoon and can't get enough of it!  We actually just tried peas last night (homemade courtesy of the Baby Bullet).  She didn't seem to be a fan.  We'll try again for another 3 days and see... next food for Wednesday - Sweet Potatoes.  I bet you she likes those. Time will tell...

Sleep:  I had a tough time with transitioning her into her crib.  I decided to go for it on Memorial Day weekend given that I had an extra day off from work and knew I wouldn't sleep well for the first nights.  I actually crashed on her floor for 2 nights.  On the second night, I was a little wiser and used a sleeping bag as a mattress.

She did great.  She didn't really wake up in the middle of the night and by night 3 I felt comfortable enough to go back to our bedroom.  It's a constant challenge though.  I freak out in the morning when I'm so exhausted that I didn't wake up once to check on her, or when she doesn't wake up in the middle of the night.  I mean it's great that she sleeps though the night, and I'm super excited about it... but I'm so anxious in the morning when I check on her and I'm so relieved when I can feel her chest move up and down.  I don't know if this feeling will ever go away.

After a week in her crib, she started waking up in the middle of the night.  I think it was because she sensed something was difference, and couldn't feel our presence anymore.  I got a trick from one of her caregivers from daycare.  Because she's so used to sleeping with noises, she suggested I play music as she falls asleep.  So I've been rocking her to sleep with the swing's lullaby music going on, and I put her down while it still plays.  I leave it on for a couple songs, and then I turn it off and go to bed.  It has worked like a charm and she no longer wakes up in the middle of the night (for the most part).

Likes: This girl likes just about everything.  She's so interested in food and drinks.  She just wants to grab what you are having.  She loves playing in her new activity center, not the one where she lays down, but the one where she can sit or stand.  She always wants to be doing something!  She likes her owl book (it has a  bunch of flaps to open and details all different kinds of animals).  She loves to sit with the help of her Boppy and play with the rainbow ring pyramid.  One of my favorites as a kid - one of Brett's favorites too!

She loves her cereal.  She loves Rocky Bear... so much so that she seems to "make out" with him... watch out boys! lol

Dislikes:  Perhaps peas?  Still is not a fan of when I put her down for any reason.  With a toy, the tears quickly go away though.

Mama's fears: As detailed above, I often wake up a little anxious in the morning and go check on her immediately.  Being away from her for extended periods of time is also difficult, but I also know how good daycare is for her.  She learns so much and gets to socialize.  Hopefully that means she'll be a social butterfly and not an introvert like myself.

The concept of daycare is still so difficult for me given that Preston passed away at daycare, mind you a different daycare and this daycare has more than 1 caregiver... but still.  I try not to get nervous because I know stress isn't good for me, but I don't know that I could ever not be stressed to some degree when it comes to daycare.

Mama's proud moments: There are so many this month.  She can hold things and reaches for things all the time.  She's weeks (days?) away from sitting on her own.  She's a good eater (not super messy) when it comes to her cereal.  Other foods remain to be seen I guess.  She's starting to want to hold her own bottle.  She can stay entertaining herself for a little while.  She's done art! Such as rolling a ball in paint, making art with hand prints and footprints (though I know that requires help).  She's colored with a marker and with a paintbrush.  She sleeps through the night.

Just because:  When she's in her carseat, if you raise it above your head and play peek-a-boo, she loves it.  She squeals and laughs.  It's one of my favorite things to do.

She's not a big fan of crowds.  We've noticed if we take her to the mall, she quiets down so much and even appears to have a scared look on her face. :(  However, in small groups, she loves to show off and be the center of attention.  We'll see what that equates to at a later age I guess!

Pictures:

I have all these toys, but my dress is more fun!!!

 

Go Cubs Go! Swing batter, batter!

Out for a drive..

Fun times with Dada and my friend's first birthday.

Tokens

 

I received the above necklace the day after mother's day.  A gift from my aunt Jocelyn, uncle Burnell, and their daughters, Alicia, Natalie and Valerie, and their significant others, Martin, Marty and James.  I was so touched.  A diamond crusted P for Preston.  A little foot.  An angel wing.  A gold heart.  And his birthstone, my birthstone, Brett's birthstone - topaz.  I wear it every day.  And when I don't, I feel guilty the second I forget to wear it because it's such a precious homage to my son.  It makes me feel close to him.  Forgetting to wear it because I was in a rush that morning, or too tired, makes me feel like I momentarily have forgotten my son.

It's not because we don't think about our children every moment of every day, that we don't love them. Not thinking about certain things during certain moments does not mean we have forgotten.  Sometimes we are busy.  Sometimes we are tired.  Sometimes we are concentrating.  We are human, and our minds wander some times, and I often need to stop and remind myself of that.  Forgetting to wear my necklace certain days, allows me to slow down and remember that.

On day 22 of my 30 days of gratitude challenge, on the 6 month mark of losing my son, I am thankful for all the tokens that we have to remember him.  That we have to honor him.  I'm so incredibly thankful for the necklace I received from my family.  What a moving gesture on their part to pick things that are such tributes to Preston, and what he means to us.  It also gives me the opportunity to bring up my son if someone asks about my necklace and it's significance.  It's only happened once, and I really tried not to traumatize the lady who asked me.  Hopefully I kept my composure and I didn't ruin her day with my sad story.

On December 23rd, we took a handprint and footprint from Preston which we molded into a Christmas ornaments - one for my parents, one for Brett's parents, and one for us.  We have his footprints from when he was born... and the coroner did something so touching - not that I can bear to look at them.  She made 2 moldings - of his little hands and precious feet.  The moldings are in a heart shape, have little bears clued to it, along with the PAIL (Pregnancy and Infant Loss) awareness ribbon which is half baby blue and half pink.  One day, maybe we'll be able to hang them up?  I lose it anytime I open the boxes they are in.  They sit on his dresser for now, along with all his books and other things... terrible that I don't know.. but I really don't go into his room very often.

The funeral home took clippings of his hair before he was cremated.  They are in a little bag, along with several cards we received on the day of his funeral and the book that everyone signed to give us their condolences.  I've read everything once.. a few days after the funeral.  Everything that was said was so kind, thoughtful and touching, and I'm sorry that I haven't sent out thank you letters.  I just haven't had the heart to write them all because it'll mean thinking about the sadness for hours.  Being sad for hours is really hard, and makes it harder to get out of the downward spiral.  I hope you understand.  I hope you know how thankful we are that you were there.  How thankful we are to have all of you in our lives, supporting us, thinking of us, keeping us in your prayers.

I have a few other tokens.  A nice necklace from our friend Glenner and his wife Janet.  It's in the shape of a tear, and it came with a poem - no tears in heaven.  I also have a charm bracelet.  I have two Preston tokens.  A gold binky that Brett gave to me when Preston was born (it was my first charm).  And an angel wing with a pearl from my parents.  How I wish my baby boy wasn't a real angel.  He was an angel on Earth, and I wish that he could have stayed longer.  How short 16 weeks is.  I heard the song "Heaven is a Place on Earth" today... I would search day and night, 24 hours a day to find it if that were true. 

Grief is such a true roller coaster.  Good one moment, broken the next.  Does that show sometimes in my posts?  I never set out to have a negative blog entry, or a sad blog entry.  My goal is really to share my son, and help others through their grief.  Help others appreciate their life, or help them through a tough time.  Share my little guy's smile, in hopes of spreading some happiness around the world.  Share my feelings to let it out, and find some relief.  I appreciate everyone who allows me to do that.  It really is a true gift to me.

6 months..

I plan to post my day 22 gratitude tonight or later today, but for now, I must acknowledge what today is.  A few hours from now, exactly 6 months ago on 3/13/14, I found out my little boy had stopped breathing in his sleep (I hope, it was in his sleep) while at daycare.  The frantic call from the nanny telling me "Preston's not breathing" continues to haunt me, and I hear it over and over like it is happening all over again. 

Rush as I may, numb as I was, nothing could be done.  I couldn't get there fast enough, not that it would have changed the outcome.  My little boy was gone.  Never to take a breath again, never to bat his sweet eyelashes just one more time.  Never to show his sweet smile, or sputter his soothing coos.  Never to experience his first steps, or first words.  Never to feel the soft grass under his feet.  All my life, I've heard the expression, "never say never".  Never follows me like a shadow that I don't want.  Never flows through my mind every day as I see commercials of babies taking their first steps, or simply giggling.  Never reappears on every 13th, and 19th, or any day really.  Does it make me cry?  Not all the time.

I could easily let myself go.  Let myself fall to the ground, crumble and break.  I could easily go crazy with thoughts of what could have be, what should have been.  Why don't I?  Perhaps it's just not who I am.  I use to dwell on everything that I had no control over.  I use to agonize over every little detail of my life.  Was I searching for perfection?  Was there a need to forever please others?  Certainly.  Perfection existed in Preston.  Perfection doesn't last, it's human nature.  Try as I may to please everyone all the time, it's an impossibility. 

All I can do, is try our best.  All I can do, is take life a moment at a time.  All I can do, is remember my son in a positive light.  Since that's all I can do, perhaps that is why I don't find myself crying every day.  Perhaps that is why I find myself smiling at pictures that should tear me apart.  Perhaps that is why 6 months out, I feel content with life,  yet bittersweetness follows me where I go.  Perhaps that is why I can feel happiness, yet it's often associated with guilt.  Is it odd that I feel anger when someone tells me to smile?  Or that I get upset when someone tells me I should be happier?  I have every reason not to smile if I don't feel like it.  I have every right to not feel happy if I don't feel like it.

Perhaps this post is contradicting.  Conceivably, it might just be the perfect insight into what the thoughts a grieving parent has on a daily basis.

I felt some peace yesterday when I went for a walk with hubby.  I must have seen 10-12 bunnies, the most I've seen in a day.  While it's September, it was chilly like a February day.  Did it happen out of the blue, this wave of cold? Not really, since it'd been in the forecast for days.  But really, how often does the weather get down to freezing temperatures in September.  We shall see what today brings though.

Miss you Preston.  Miss you more than you know.  I think of you every day.  I grieve for you every day.  I share you every day.  Share your life, share your smile.  Share the love I have for you, share the signs you send me.  I hope Heaven is a good home for you, that you are surrounded by love, and friends.  I long for the day that I get to see you again.