Happiness is...

Preston's birthday has come and gone.  I have a hard time grasping the fact that he'd be a two year old toddler running wildly around the house.

Preston's birthday was a wonderful day.  The morning started a little emotionally, but as the day went on, it was happier and happier.  So many people participated in #SpreadHappinessForPreston.  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.  Thank you for allowing our son into your lives, into your hearts.  Thank you for letting him be the reason you smiled, and helped others smile.

So many acts of kindness occurred.  I'd like to share those that I know of:

• Cynthia smiles at everyone she saw on November 19th.  Additionally, she let someone go ahead of her at the gas station.  She donated to a food drive.  She also shared with me that on the radio that morning, they talked about random acts of kindness.  Coincidence?  This led me to learn a new quote: "Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous" - Albert Einstein.  Signs are everywhere.  They really are. Thank you bella.
• Trina spread some joy in Maryland. Thanks Trina!
• Lynette played "elf" to struggling mothers in need of diapers and wipes.  She does this every year in memory of her grandson Barrett.  She gives a letter to the recipients to explain why she does it, and she was so gracious to add Preston's name to the letter this year.  Thank you Lynette.  I'm so touched that you included Preston.  I can just see Barrett and Preston looking down on you with huge smiles.
• Dana brought dessert for the person behind her at the drive-through.  How sweet! Thank you Dana.
• Carol donated to the Calgary Food Bank.  She also bought 10 Tim Horton's gift cards to give away to people who were in need of a hot meal. So generous Carol.  Thank you for your generosity.  Not only helping people, but bringing smiles at the same time.
• Jocelyn and Burnell spent the day visiting local charities to make donations.  They gave away coffee and filled baskets with food for those in need.  Additionally, my lovely aunt shared a nice quote that made me smile: "Tell someone you love them today.  Tomorrow is not promised.  To my family and friends - I love you".  I love you aunt Jocelyn. xxx
• Natalie gave out gift cards to Tim Horton's and donated to a food bank.  She also shared Preston's message so that more people could spread happiness in his name. Thank you Natalie <3
• Lori bought a lotto ticket and proceeded to give it to the clerk who sold it to her.  That's so sweet.  She also packed groceries for a food bank, drove some coworkers home so that they could avoid waiting in the rain, get a break from public transportation and also donated to the Children's Wish Foundation.  So incredibly generous and thoughtful. Thank you Lori!
• Lisa donated to pencils for progress which helps build schools in Africa.  My son's soul and smiles are travelling all around the world.  I'm so moved by this.  Thank you so much Lisa!
• Paula and her 4 year old did a large grocery and donated it to a food bank.  Thank you for donating your time and money.  It's so special to see that my son's legacy is not only creating smiles, but helping people in need. Thank you!
• Alicia and James donated books to their daughter's school library and brought Tim Horton's to their other daughter's preschool.  They gave coffee to strangers, donated toys to charity and have helped spread Preston's message like no other.  So many people participated because of these 2. Thank you guys.  xxxx
• Vicki donated to a local food bank and donated 2 new toys to a local charity.  I like that.  Maybe I'll have to do that next year, donate 3 toys for Preston's 3rd birthday, and so on each year.  Thank you for your generosity and wonderful idea!
• Meghann made to-go breakfast for her husband who was running behind on the day.  She spread a lot of love in Washington and encouraged positivity.  Thank you lovely <3
• Jamie bought a lady who was celebrating her 50th birthday a drink from Preston.  How sweet and thoughtful.  Thank you for participating and sharing Preston's message again this year. <3
• Brittani sent flowers to someone special.. and from what I saw on Facebook later on, those flowers totally made your friend's day.  How super sweet <3.  Thank you Brittani!
• Andrea shared Preston's message. Thank you!
• Dayna bought lunch and a cupcake for a 7 month pregnant homeless girl.  Such a thoughtful act of kindness.  Dayna, I was so touched. xxx
• Kimm sent me some onesies, pyjamas and bibs for Samantha.  She also sent me month stickers to take pictures of my little girl as she gets older.  She also sent me homemade cards which are so beautiful.  Thank you Kimm.  It was so unnecessary, but know that I am incredibly moved. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
• Jessica donated another bear to the "Dolls for Daughters" toy shop in Preston's honor.
• Lisa spread happiness in Hawaii. Mahalo Lisa! <3
• Liz in Maine brought bagels for the teachers and staff at her daughter's school.  She and her daughter also gave gift cards for coffee to the secretaries at the school.  They sent flowers to her godmother, paid for someone at the drive-through and donated to a children's charity.  I'm so touched Liz.  So incredibly touched.  And the letter that your daughter wrote and included with the donations.. so moving: "This is for my aunt's friends son who died.  Hope it makes you smile #SpreadHappinessForPreston".  Thank you Liz and Audrey!!
• My cousin Marie sent me a coat for Samantha from France where she currently resides.  I don't know that she could have planned for us to receive the precious little coat on Preston's birthday, but we did.  It made us smile.  Merci Marie, Harold et Augustin. xxxx
• One of my neighbor's, who is also pregnant due March 24th I believe, gave us some beautiful white roses.  I'm so touched that she remembered Preston's birthday.  Last year I sent letters around my neighborhood, but I didn't do it this year.  I thought about it, but just didn't have the energy :(.  Thank you so much for the thoughtful gift, gesture and again for remembering our son.
• My parents donated to the SIDS Foundation in Canada.
• My husband brought pizza over to the fire station by our house.  This is the station of the men who gave their all to try and save our son.  We are eternally grateful to these men.  I was so touched that one of them wrote to me on my blog.  One of these men, also lost a son, and shared that he also has a blog: ourlittlehippie.com which shares the story of his son Liam.  I've read several passages and feel like it might be a great resource for me given that they did have a child after losing their son. Thank you for sharing.  And thank you to you and your crew, for all that you do for the community. <3
• Charlene spread happiness on Preston's birthday. Thank you Charlene!
• Brittney taped some popcorn and money to redboxes for movie rentals.  And she also left something nice for the UPS driver.  Thank you Britt! That was super sweet of you! xxx
• Bill donated to a food bank.
• Dayle spread happiness. Thanks Dayle! <3
• Debby spread happiness too! Thank you Debby!
• Kip donated to the Angel Eyes foundation in Preston's name. Thank you Kip! I'm so touched!
• Lisa spread happiness! Thank you Lisa!
• Nan spread happiness in Wyoming! Thanks Nan!!
• Wanda spread a lot of happiness in Colorado. Thank you Wanda <3
• Jocelyn treated a friend to lunch and left a 400% tip for the waitress. How touching!
• Kay spread happiness! Thank you Kay! <3
• Katherine spread some happiness in Idaho.  Thank you so much!
• I gave to a food bank and also donated some Starbucks gift cards.  

Last but not least, this story brought tears to my eyes and I really wanted to share it.  It's from Justine, who also lost a baby:

On Preston's birthday, Justine was thinking of Preston and me.  She and her husband were at Walmart and saw a little boy who grabbed their attention.  He was looking through the holes of the egg boxes which were stacked to the ceiling with new eggs waiting to be unpacked.  She could tell that he had special needs.  Both her and her husband are nurses and love kids and have many little friends with special needs.  They were walking behind this little boy and his father and he turned around and gave them this great big smile.  Her husband approached the dad to see if they could give the boy a dollar to buy some candy.  They found out that Jeremiah (the little boy) has microcephaly (incomplete brain development) and collects dollars in a scrapbook with people's signatures on them.  And they wanted to give him a dollar before finding this out!  Justine's husband and Jeremiah's dad talked for a good 30 minutes.  Justine went on to tell me that it seems that dads are often overlooked when it comes to losing a baby and grief.  They probably feel more alone than us mothers.  I have to agree with her, I think there appears to be less resources for men, and it might just be because society has the expectation that they should be strong no matter what.  Justine says "they are programmed to be strong and they are there for us.  No one talks about this and they ask them about us" (how are we, the mom doing).  Jeremiah's dad shared with her husband that it was hard to deal with Jeremiah's diagnosis, but that they had gone through something harder.  He and his wife had just lost a baby in July and "you aren't supposed to talk about it".  Her husband went on to share that they too had lost a baby in August.  They talked about loss and Jeremiah's dad said that God had sent them because he didn't have anyone who understood.  

Justine shared with me that it was God working through me and Preston, keeping their eyes open on Preston's birthday, for a chance to share some happiness.  "It was just like jam... it got on us all".

Justine, this story touched me to my very core.  God works in mysterious ways.  Coincidences? Not so much.  Signs that our babies are waiting for us to make it to the kingdom of Heaven one day.

To everyone who spread happiness on Preston's birthday, no matter how you did so - thank you.  Thank you for keeping a special place for Preston in your heart, in your life.  Thank you for allowing his legacy, his smile live on.  I hope that this was an experience that not only made someone else smile, helped someone else, but that it also made you smile.

Some superheroes have wings

Not all superheroes wear capes.  Superheroes are defined as having inhuman powers, mythical talents or have experienced something supernatural having changed their being.  These heroes use their special abilities to protect the world or to promote justice.  Superman.  Thor. Spiderman. Captain America.  Those names I'm sure are not foreign to many.  You think superhero, and they are some of the first to cross your mind, no?

These do-gooders, who usually live within the general population, have costumes to help them hide their alter-ego.  Many wear masks and capes and spandex to show off their buff bodies, you know, because why not?

Throughout my high school years, I remember watching Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman starring Dean Cain and Teri Hatcher.  It was one of my favorite shows - side note, I now own every season on DVD.  It always amazed me how Clark could keep secret the fact that he was Superman.  I mean really people, put two and two together!  That being said, Superman was always my superhero of choice.

Nowadays, my favorite superhero is quite different.  He does not wear a cape.  He does not have a special superhero name.  If you haven't already guessed where I'm going with this, my favorite superhero is my son, Preston.  My angel with wings.

How can an angel be a superhero you ask? What are his powers?  Preston's super power is to spread happiness.  To make others smile.  To show the people that they are no alone.  To remind us that true happiness is achievable and it's a lot easier than we realize.

Losing my son has been the most painful and trying experience I've ever lived through.  I wish I never had to go down this path, and I wish I could turn around and un-live this nightmare.  Unfortunately, that is not an option life offers us.  It's difficult to find a positive spin on this whole situation.  Really it is.  I try though, and Preston helps me through it.  For me, and for others.  Because time doesn't spot ticking.  The Earth doesn't stop spinning.  Preston's shown me that happiness is achievable in the little things.  That saying that money doesn't buy happiness? It's true.  I could sit and watch Preston smile for hours and my heart was filled with happiness.  He taught me to appreciate all that I have, and all that's around me a lot more.  He showed me the way to be more forgiving.  He taught me that I need to be more patient - with myself and with others.  I learned that I shouldn't judge so easily.  Despite all the darkness in my life, Preston showed me the way to hope again.

Perhaps I'm delusional, but I like to think that Preston has an impact on other lives than my own.  I like to think that someone stumbles upon my blog and a picture of his makes them smile.  Or that one of my posts hits home and helps someone at some point in their grief journey.  Or that someone sees a rainbow, or a bunny and thinks of Preston and smiles.  Or maybe even, someone spreads happiness in Preston's memory.

So you see, some superheroes have wings instead of capes.  Some superheroes you can never see in person, only in images and in your imagination.  But, superheroes do exist.  And on this #NationalSuperheroDay, I honor my son Preston because if there ever was to be a special superhero - he's the perfect one.

Keep spreading happiness my love.  I'll keep doing my part and sharing you with the world to help you make that happen.

Who is your favorite superhero and why?

Another year older

I thought it fitting to use a picture from my 3rd birthday.  30 years ago, I received Cheer bear.  Last year, 6 days before my birthday, I met the happiest baby there ever was.  On my birthday, 6 days later, a year ago toady, Preston was in the NICU.  I had a prolonged stay in the hospital due to the pre-eclampsia and needed a lot of observation as my blood pressure kept spiking.  It took several days for sure for it to stabilize with medication, since having Preston did not rectify the situation, as it should have.  So, on November 25th, they kept me for an extra day, just to make sure.  Part of me thinks that out of the kindness of her heart, my doctor wanted me to stay with my son on my birthday.  I'm so thankful for that.  Even more than I was then.  I didn't know back then, that Preston would only be with us for 16 weeks.  There were no indications that Preston had any kind of ailment.  That's what SIDS is though right? No warnings.  It just happens without a warning.  It blindsides you, even if there's always a slight fear of it when you are a new parent.

No signs from Preston today though I heard another 2 Leona Lewis songs.  What's up with that?  I really wish I would have gotten a huge sign today.  I had a nice day.  A busy day at work, just the way I like it.  A nice dinner with Brett, Charles, Kate and Greyson (Preston's best friend).  Delicious burgers made by my husband.  Beautiful flowers from my friends, handed to me by their 1 year old son.  One of the cutest things I've ever seen!  Yummy birthday sundaes from Dairy Queen.  And to help with my blog, Brett got me Adobe Photoshop! Can't wait to play with that and have wonderful pictures to share :)

Do wishes really come true if you don't share them after blowing your candles? Maybe I'm disillusioned by what's happened to me this past year with the loss of my son, but I don't know that it makes a difference whether you share your wish, or not.  I didn't blow out any candles, and I rather like that I didn't.  I didn't make a wish, but I'll make one now: My wish for this year, is to continue on this healing path, all the while, hoping that Preston finds his way into more and more hearts.  My precious son, I feel has so much to teach me still, even if I should be the one teaching him.  You may not love him the way that I do, but I hope you open your heart, let him in, and just feel the happiness that he is.

Excerpt from Leona Lewis' "Run"

(...) 

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you, dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice (...)

30 days of gratitude

Over the past couple years, I've seen friends on Facebook post something to the likes of "3 days of gratitude", where you post 3 things that you are grateful for and subsequently nominate three friends to do the same.  When you a grieving the loss of a child, it becomes very easy to go to dark places, to be depressed and recoil into nothingness.  I am planning on doing 30 days of gratitude.  Every day, I will post something that I am grateful for, and elaborate on it.  I believe that finding 30 things to be grateful for will be challenging, but in the end, I strongly believe it will help me with my healing process. 

I will not be nominating anyone, but you are welcome to join me with this initiative.  Feel free to join through comments on my blog, on facebook, via email, via twitter, or BBC.  You can join at anytime.  You don't need to elaborate into as many details as I do.  You can simply state which day you are on and what you are grateful for :).  If nothing else, I hope you get something out of my gratitudes.  Sometimes, it's hard to realize what we are grateful for and we start taking things for granted.  It's just human nature ;)

Day 1: I am grateful for the 16 weeks I had with Preston.

My son was born November 19th, 2013 and while we had a rocky start with him being 4lbs 5 oz, we were able to take him home on Thanksgiving, November 28th (also my father in law's birthday).  The first days were scary, because he was tiny, there were no nurses, he'd make a lot of little noises as he slept, and it would just freak me out that something might be wrong.  I was terrified that he'd stop breathing especially while I was asleep.  I prayed to God every night asking him to watch over Preston as I slept.  I thanked him every night for watching over him and prayed again for him to watch over him.

We had a great 16 weeks.  He learned how to drink out of a bottle.  He loved looking at the colorful painting that sits above our couch in the living room.  He loved being read to.  We had him on a pretty strict schedule.  Every 3 hours I'd pump, and then he'd eat.  We'd play with him for a bit after he was burped, and then he would nap.  Rinse and repeat.  It was a well oiled machine.  As he grew older, stronger and bigger, every 3 hours became every 3 and a half hours, every four hours.  I think he was down to about 6 bottles a day when he was 16 weeks old.  He was starting to sleep from about 10:30-5:00.  I loved the evenings with him.  We'd listen to music, we'd play in his bouncer, we'd read books, do belly time.  This little piggy was losing it's luster for him, but he was loving raspberries on his belly.  I had started making a funny noise while pulling my tongue out at him and it would make him giggle so much.  Plus, he tried to do it too.  Remember that picture of him pulling out his tongue?  That's what he was doing.

He was a smart boy.  He appeared to be able to discern color much earlier than "they", whoever they are, say babies should be.  He told stories from the moment he was born.  He rolled over at daycare on March 6th.  He was just 15 weeks old, or 10 weeks if you adjust his age for when he should have been born.  He knew when it was time to eat and would start to squirm a little.  If you took too long, then he would cry a little bit.  He loved to look at the doggies (that looked more like bunnies) on his swing as they "ran" around in a circle.  His focus was really fascinating.  He was just starting to understand what it was to hold things, and was on the verge of discovering his hands.  It seemed to me, that he was just starting to get his first little teeth. 

He enjoyed bath time, but not as much as I thought he would.  You could tell though, that once he understood it a little more instead of concentrating on the fact that he was starting to feel cold, he would have absolutely loved it.  He was a happy boy when he was clean.  I've never seen a baby hate having a wet diaper so much.  A drop of pee and that was it.  I need a new one mama!  It wasn't rare that we went through 12 diapers a day, even at 16 weeks old.

Those 16 weeks taught me what pure and true happiness was; what true love was.  I am grateful for those 16 weeks, because I got to know the most precious being that ever lived.  Okay, so I'm biased, sue me ;).  He would have smiled all day if he didn't have to sleep and eat.  And while losing him has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I wouldn't trade those 16 weeks, even the hard ones, for anything in the world.

 

Gotta love how big his binky looks for him.  lol

 

 

 

On a side note, it's interesting the things you run into.  We went to dinner with my in-laws tonight and in the parking lot, in the spot next to ours, was this little stuffed bunny.  We don't usually go to Outback Steakhouse, and we hadn't planned on going out tonight.  But there was that bunny.  Signs come in all shapes and sizes don't they?

Another month goes by...

It's the 13th again.  I tried not to be sad today, but it was very difficult.  Preston was on my mind all day.  His little smile was just floating in my mind, wanting to see it so badly.  While today was a good productive day, I feel like I may have been in a fog at the same time.  It's been five months now.  Five whole months without my sweet little boy.  Five long months with empty arms.  Five eternal months serving as a reminder that our lives are forever changed.

Change is difficult.  I've never been one to be afraid of change.  I feel like I adapt fairly well to any type of change.  Is it easy?  It's never really easy to change, or deal with change.  But, my husband taught me many years ago, that nothing good comes easy, perhaps a metaphor to say, if something is easy, it won't be as rewarding than overcoming the difficulties in life.  Things changed a lot for me when I first moved to the States.  I didn't know anyone.  I wasn't familiar with my surroundings.  I didn't have a job, couldn't have a job for 6 months.  The air was different.  The scenery was vastly different.  It was a really big adjustment and I had a lot of difficulties with motivation.  Motivation to cook, to go out, to develop a cleaning routine around the house.  Looking back, I feel like I may have started going into a mild depression.  I'd ripped myself away from the life I'd known for 25 years and everything was now new.  Things changed though when I started working again.  I feel like perhaps the lack of purpose from not having a job just took it's toll on me along with all the others changes I had to deal with all at once. 

I've had to deal with change a lot relating to dealing with Crohn's.  I had to deal with constantly changing my diet depending on the amount of pain I was having.  The higher the pain, the more nausea I got, the weaker I felt; it usually meant that I was having a flare-up.  My intestines became inflamed.  I had to go on very bland diets.  Every now and then I had to go to the hospital and ended up on a Prednisone regimen; ah the devil pill.. can't say I miss you.  And then, I had to slowly re-integrate certain foods.  Sometimes, I knew right away, that no, I couldn't have that food and I'd have to wait several months to try again.  It was a constant game of change and adapting.

This latest change in my life, losing my son, requires more adapting than I've ever had to deal with.  It's realizing every day, that no, your child isn't here anymore.  It's dealing with handfuls of different triggers every day.  It's surviving.  It's learning to still take care of myself and my husband, instead of taking care of my son.  It's allowing my mind to concentrate on different things every day to not go crazy with grief, guilt and despair.  It's trying to find reasons to smile, reasons to laugh, reasons to be happy, reasons to want to help others.

I have many reasons to smile.  I have the best husband (no offense to any other guy out there).  I have wonderful, understanding friends and family who care about me.  This goes hand in hand with having a fabulous support system throughout this whole nightmare.  I have a great job that I love.  My Crohn's is in remission.

I have many reasons to laugh.  The silly things Brett says to me every day.  TV shows I watch.  The funny cat and dog pictures me and my co-workers exchange.  Things I read on the web on a daily basis.

I have reasons to be happy.  Many overlap with the things I wrote above.  In addition though, I carried a special little boy for about 35 weeks.  I cared for my baby for 16 weeks on this Earth.  I learned a whole new side to love.  I have my own personal angel who sends me signs when I need it, who helps me out when times get rough.  Many of the songs I heard today reminded me of my sweet little boy.  I heard the end of "Iris" on the radio this morning as I was parking my car.  I heard it in full on Pandora on my way home from work.  I heard "Fighter" which I would sing to Preston when we would drive home from his daycare.  He was my little fighter after all.  And "Hall of Fame", which for some reason makes me think of Preston.  Perhaps it's the lines "Cause you burn with the brightest  flame, and the world's gonna know your name".  I've said it many times that I want to share Preston with the world.  There were others, but those are the ones that stuck. 

Maybe you think I'm weird for thinking these songs remind me of Preston, or that they find a way to make me happy even when at the same time, they also make me feel sad.  I think songs can be interpreted so many different ways.  Eye of the beholder.  I was blessed to have this little boy in my life, and any reminder that he truly existed, brings me happiness.  Happiness that I need to share. 

Be sad because another month has gone by.  Be sad because the number of months is just going to continue to increase.  Be happy because your life was changed by your baby.  Be happy because change can be good, even when difficult.  I would give up this change I've had to deal with for 5 months for anything in the whole world.  Unfortunately, I don't have a say in the matter, and all I can do, is continue to learn to adapt.  Learn to keep smiling, laughing, sharing.

Miss you little man.  Mama thinks of you every day. xxx

Happy Thoughts/Moments

I was warned after yesterday's meeting that this week and the next might be difficult because thinking about the day we lost our babies just brings all those memories rushing back.  Quite honestly, I kind of feel like the year is just going to get more difficult as we get deeper and deeper into it.  November is when all our birthdays are, Brett, Preston and I.  Thanksgiving will be just after.  Thanksgiving is when we took our baby home from the NICU last year.  Thanksgiving is a family holiday, which I was looking forward to with Preston.  And then Christmas will be around the corner.  And then it'll be the beginning of next year, and then March...

But I don't want to drown into depression.  I don't want to lose myself in my pain.  I want to remember my son, and I don't want to cry every time I do so.  I think I've done a pretty good job at that so far... not that I'm quite sure how.  I want to be happy, and not feel guilty for feeling to happy.  So I think, perhaps the way to do so, is to start with happy thoughts. Hopefully that will evolve into some happy moments, and perhaps that will then morph into happy days, one day.

Hopefully this isn't too redundant for a post.  I've talked about finding happiness in the small things in one of my first posts.  I don't want to repeat those things, so I hope not to, forgive me if I do.  I found happiness today when my husband sent me flowers at work again.  Isn't he great?  They are as vibrant as they are beautiful.  Yellow roses, red tulips and purple iris'.  Ah Iris... there's another thing that makes me happy.  Remember that song I talked about the other day?  While, it can have such sad interpretations, it also reminds me of my unique bond with Preston, and not much can bring me more happiness.

I'm watching America's Got Talent again, and while I don't always love the back stories they do on people, some people's journeys are really touching and gives hope for humanity.  Some performances just make me smile and fill me with happiness.  Magic acts that make you go, "waaaaa, how'd he do that??".  It takes you into a totally different world.  Perhaps we'll see one when we go to Vegas later this year.

My cat, Acro, is being lovey at the moment, hardly letting me type.  He's on my lap as is my laptop.  He keeps getting jealous and nips at my wrists or tries to grab my arm altogether.  "Pay attention to me, he says!"  While there's nothing like the love of your child, the love our pets can show us can be so special.  Our cats are indoor cats so they don't know much about the world.  They cower away so easily.. but they love us so unconditionally... when they want.  They're cats after all!  "Rub my belly, but just twice or I'll scratch the living daylights out of you".  ;)

Well, I don't want to give all my happy thoughts away in one day.  But these things made me happy today and have a potential to make me happy again - by just thinking about these things, or seeing them, or living them.  If I can think of so many happy thoughts in one day, perhaps there is hope for me after all.  What made you happy today?  Do you have favorite happy thoughts or moments?

 

 

Humbled

I felt really humbled last night.  I felt humbled as I realized just how much Preston has made an impact on other people's lives.  I felt proud of how much his little life has brought a ray of sunshine into the lives of my friends and family.  I am one proud mama.

We were on our way to poker when we saw a very faint rainbow, but nonetheless, it made me think of Preston.  As hubby didn't quite understand the meaning of a "rainbow baby", I explained to him that I think that babies who are conceived after a loss, are like a rainbow after a storm.  It's a symbol of hope.  Preston was a rainbow baby and he loved colors so it feels natural for rainbows to remind me of my son.

After I posted the picture of the faint rainbow on Facebook, I received several notifications from friends where I had been tagged in a rainbow picture.  Jamie, Tina and Jon, thank you for sharing that the rainbows you saw made you think of Preston.  It really means so much to me to be a witness to how my baby continues to live on through my thoughts and especially, so many people's thoughts.  It means a lot to me that you hold him close to your heart, and in return you are holding Brett and I close to you as well.

This isn't the first time I've been witness to how others think of Preston when they see a rainbow, or bunnies.  Sherri has sent me a rainbow picture, as has Cynthia.  Dana has sent me pictures of a bunny.  I've been witness to Charles pointing to a rainbow saying, "Preston", while Kate says, "where's the bunny?".

To many people, it might sound silly, but to me, it really sunk in yesterday that you guys really do think of Preston and remember him and smile when you see a rainbow and bunnies.  Many people might say, well rainbows and bunnies are everywhere, it's not really a "sign".  That thought actually crosses my mind all the time.  But you know what, it is a sign.  It is a sign that he is living on through all of us.  It is a sign that his life really is spreading happiness around the world.  It is a sign, that there was a beautiful purpose to his life even if it was cut incredibly short.  It is a sign that, as long as we are willing, he will be there to remind us, that while life can be difficult, there's always something to smile amount.

All this was reinforced by this little feather on our deck this morning.  Beautiful, little white feather... like that from a tiny angel.  Thank you all for keeping Preston close to your heart. <3