"I'll find you out on the horizon"

 Dear Preston,

Tomorrow’s that awful day again.  10 years.  I’m facing that conundrum again where time both feels like it’s flown by, but at the same time it has ticked on at the pace of a snail’s crawl.

10 years.  How is that even remotely possible?  The emptiness is still there, the ache ever so present, the wound doesn’t heal.  It’s scar tissue, on top of scar tissue for every time the wound slowly tries to heal to self-preserve but is re-opened by moments, words, thoughts, sounds.  Most days are filled with smiles, laugher, good moments.  But these feelings of emptiness are never really far… hiding beneath the surface.

I’m obsessed with the new Linkin Park song – Friendly Fire.  It just spoke to me the first time I heard it.  Chester’s voice.  The lyrics.  “I was supposed to protect you, no matter what’s to come”.  Tears my heart every time – because it’s true – I was supposed to protect you, that’s my job!  But  I can’t stop listening to it.  I guess sometimes you just have to feel the hurt. The need for the hurt.  Feels wrong.  Yet makes me feel closer to you.

“We’re strangers in between the darkness, diving underneath.  I’ll find you out on the horizon”.  I do often wonder if we are strangers.  What would you look like?  What would you be like?  What would your passions be?  I know you would have been an excellent big brother, because you are even if you aren’t here.  Your sister loves you so much.  And I know in my heart and soul that you’re her guardian angel.

I ask myself these questions so often.  Too often.  I know we certainly aren’t strangers as you’re a part of me.  The missing puzzle piece.  But, I will find you out on the horizon – another rainbow? In heaven?

Know that you eternally live in my heart, even when it’s hard and I just want to run away from it all.  There are days where I could just drive around for hours, listening to music, thinking about you.

I’ll snuggle your sister all day if I can tomorrow.  It helps, having her close, safe.  You’d be proud of her, she’s a little spitfire.  Tenacious, definitely her own person and she won’t let you forget it.  Keep an eye on her, ok?  She’s heading in challenging years.

I miss you.  Every. Day.  It’s been a rough couple of months leading to this day.  I’ve done a lot of soul searching, reading my own blog and thoughts.  Not remembering a lot of it was jarring – quite the revelation of really being in a grief fog.  Helpful.  Heart-wrenching.  Cause for hope.  I suppose, all things I needed leading to today.

Keep on spreading that happiness my love.  Perhaps this was one of the sadder posts and letters I’ve written, at least in a long time.  I needed it.  Not having that same need and inspiration to write made me forget how soothing and releasing it could be to just bear my soul for whoever will read it.  Hopefully it helps others, and not just me.  That’s always been my goal – for you to have that purpose.  Your life meant something, and not just to me.

I love you always.

Mama 

PS. Send me some rays of sunshine or something tomorrow won’t cha?