"I'll find you out on the horizon"

 Dear Preston,

Tomorrow’s that awful day again.  10 years.  I’m facing that conundrum again where time both feels like it’s flown by, but at the same time it has ticked on at the pace of a snail’s crawl.

10 years.  How is that even remotely possible?  The emptiness is still there, the ache ever so present, the wound doesn’t heal.  It’s scar tissue, on top of scar tissue for every time the wound slowly tries to heal to self-preserve but is re-opened by moments, words, thoughts, sounds.  Most days are filled with smiles, laugher, good moments.  But these feelings of emptiness are never really far… hiding beneath the surface.

I’m obsessed with the new Linkin Park song – Friendly Fire.  It just spoke to me the first time I heard it.  Chester’s voice.  The lyrics.  “I was supposed to protect you, no matter what’s to come”.  Tears my heart every time – because it’s true – I was supposed to protect you, that’s my job!  But  I can’t stop listening to it.  I guess sometimes you just have to feel the hurt. The need for the hurt.  Feels wrong.  Yet makes me feel closer to you.

“We’re strangers in between the darkness, diving underneath.  I’ll find you out on the horizon”.  I do often wonder if we are strangers.  What would you look like?  What would you be like?  What would your passions be?  I know you would have been an excellent big brother, because you are even if you aren’t here.  Your sister loves you so much.  And I know in my heart and soul that you’re her guardian angel.

I ask myself these questions so often.  Too often.  I know we certainly aren’t strangers as you’re a part of me.  The missing puzzle piece.  But, I will find you out on the horizon – another rainbow? In heaven?

Know that you eternally live in my heart, even when it’s hard and I just want to run away from it all.  There are days where I could just drive around for hours, listening to music, thinking about you.

I’ll snuggle your sister all day if I can tomorrow.  It helps, having her close, safe.  You’d be proud of her, she’s a little spitfire.  Tenacious, definitely her own person and she won’t let you forget it.  Keep an eye on her, ok?  She’s heading in challenging years.

I miss you.  Every. Day.  It’s been a rough couple of months leading to this day.  I’ve done a lot of soul searching, reading my own blog and thoughts.  Not remembering a lot of it was jarring – quite the revelation of really being in a grief fog.  Helpful.  Heart-wrenching.  Cause for hope.  I suppose, all things I needed leading to today.

Keep on spreading that happiness my love.  Perhaps this was one of the sadder posts and letters I’ve written, at least in a long time.  I needed it.  Not having that same need and inspiration to write made me forget how soothing and releasing it could be to just bear my soul for whoever will read it.  Hopefully it helps others, and not just me.  That’s always been my goal – for you to have that purpose.  Your life meant something, and not just to me.

I love you always.

Mama 

PS. Send me some rays of sunshine or something tomorrow won’t cha?

SpreadHappinessForPreston – Year 10 – 11/19/2023

A decade.  Funny that when we turn 10 and even 20, we’re quite excited for the milestone and it seems like it took forever to get there.  A decade now?  Makes me feel old.  It feels like it flew by.  Yet, there are days when my heart feels like everything just happened yesterday.  10 years ago, this is not how I anticipated preparing for Preston’s 10th birthday and at the risk of letting myself be totally vulnerable – it’s been a difficult couple of months of anticipation.  I feel like I could breakdown at any moment, with no particular trigger.

At the height of my grief, when I lost my son, I needed his life to have had meaning.  I needed to feel that as his mom, I was doing something.  Coping with losing my son to SIDS, I blogged almost daily.  Yes as an outlet, but mostly in an effort to provide solace to other bereaved parents.  I started the blog after conceptualizing turning my son’s birthday into a day where happiness could be spread around the world.  I hoped my blog could have the same effect on any other day as readers connected with my pain, confusion, anxiety, guilt, etc. 

It seemed like an unattainable goal for Preston to have an impact on the world, but I’ve always felt that if Preston and my experience could help just one person, I’d be fulfilled…and I can say that today, I do feel like I achieved my goal.  However, don’t let that fool you into thinking you won’t hear from me again next year!  Though my blog never went viral, it’s had over 70k views, with 8k in the past year despite the fact that I don’t blog anymore.  Views: 70% USA, 10% Singapore, 8% Canada, 12% - over 15 other countries.  I’d say mission accomplished; Preston has left an imprint on the world.

SpreadHappinessForPreston turns 10 this year, on Sunday 11/19/2023.  This date marks Preston’s 10th birthday.  I’ve been overwhelmed through the years by reading how others have shared happiness through touching gestures, in creative ways and with just the simplest of things.  Knowing happiness is shared with my son in mind has a soothing effect on my heart and reminds me that I can still be his mother, even when he’s in heaven.  I pray that it has been just as meaningful to anyone else who has participated over the past years and continues to be for those who have been along for the ride since the beginning.

I’ve learned in these past several years that though my initial goal was to provide support for bereaved parents, my experience applies to anyone who has experienced loss.  Grief is a journey we all eventually must learn to stumble through and I hope that even if in the smallest of ways, my story can help you feel that you are not, and never will be alone.

SpreadHappinessForPreston is a day to make the world a little happier, certainly brighter.  I hope you will consider participating in spreading happiness on Preston’s birthday.  If not in memory of Preston, simply because spreading happiness has a way of ricocheting by putting a smile on your own face.  Remember that paying it forward doesn’t need to cost a thing – just make it your mission to make someone smile on November 19th.

Wishing you a wonderful day, weekend and Thanksgiving. Sincerely,

~Cat

PS. I’d love to hear how you have shared happiness.  You can use #SpreadHappinessForPreston on social media, comment on my blog - http://spreadhappinessforpreston.blogspot.com/, you can tag me @tsunaze1 or email me – tsunaze1@gmail.com.  I’m a total nerd and Tsunaze was my World of Warcraft character name… if you were curious 😎

PSS. If you aren’t totally sick of me yet, I happened upon a post I wrote on 10/28/2015 that I just wanted to share an excerpt given everything else I wrote about above – if you’re struggling with grief right now, perhaps it can be a little glimmer of hope ♥

SpreadHappinessForPreston - Year 9

Time is a funny thing.  During difficult times, it appears to travel at a snail’s pace.  During enjoyable vacations, you blink and it’s over.  Looking back on the past 9 years, it seems like it was just yesterday that my son was born, and yet the dull ache in my heart is a constant reminder of how long it’s been. Over 9 years ago, I envisioned turning my son’s birthday into a day where happiness is shared all around the world.  Big dreams, but in my grief-stricken mind, I needed his life to have mattered.  At the time, I blogged almost every day to cope with the loss of my son to SIDS.  This outlet did wonders for my grief, and I was able to connect with other bereaved individuals.  During this time, I know that Preston’s life had meaning. That our story helped others not feel so alone.  It was amazing to see the statistics of my blog (ha, the nerd in me) and to see it’s reach to other continents. 

 

Grief has not left me, nor would I want it to.  However, instead of living in my shadow, it’s better explained as an intruder that pokes it’s head in from time to time, either totally unexpectedly or triggered by “x”, “y” or “z”.  Perhaps one of the most important things I’ve learned through the years is that grief does not have a linear path.  It’s better described as a roller-coaster ride, where in time, the twists and turns are simply less intense and less frequent. 

 

SpreadHappinessForPreston turns 9 this year, this Saturday on 11/19/2022.  This date marks my son Preston’s 9th birthday.  The idea of SpreadHappinessForPreston came to me through reading other stories, similar to mine, where one family paid it forward in memory of their daughter.  Since Preston radiated happiness, SpreadHappinessForPreston was born.  It has been rewarding to me to hear about how others have shared happiness – creative ways, touching gestures and just the simple things.  It has helped me continue to feel like a mother to my angel.  I hope that it has been just as meaningful to anyone else who has participated over the past years and continues to be for those who have been along for the ride since year 1. 🤍

 

SpreadHappinessForPreston is a day to pay it forward.  A day to make the world a little brighter and happier.  I hope you will consider participating, if not for Preston, simply because spreading a little happiness has a way of putting a smile on your own face.  Remember that paying it forward doesn’t need to cost a thing – just make it your mission to make someone smile on November 19th.

 

Wishing you a wonderful day, weekend and holiday season.

#SpreadHappinessForPreston

Spread Happiness for Preston - Year 8

It’s hard to fathom how much time has passed since I first conceptualized the idea of turning my son’s birthday into a day where happiness is shared with as many people as possible.  Where in my grief-stricken mind, I wished his little life could have an impact on the world, as I needed his time on earth to have a meaning.  And for a time, I know he did.  I know my story touched and helped others going through similar experiences.  I blogged almost every day pouring out my heart in order to cope with the loss of my son to SIDS.

 

The grief still lives in me, but less on the surface; more like an intruder that pokes it’s head in from time to time, usually unexpectedly.  I never thought I’d be one to go through panic attacks, but I’ve certainly had a couple this year totally catching me off-guard (I didn’t realize it was happening until it was over).  Grief is not a linear path, and continues to be a roller-coaster ride, the twists and turns are simply less intense, less frequent.

 

With the constant ups and downs that the pandemic has brought to all our lives, it goes without saying that we are all in need of more kindness and happiness as we all navigate this ride that is life.

 

SpreadHappinessForPreston turns 8 this year, tomorrow on 11/19/2021.  This date marks my son Preston’s 8th birthday.  The idea of SpreadHappinessForPreston came to me through reading other stories, similar to mine, where one family paid it forward in memory of their daughter.  Since Preston radiated with happiness, SpreadHappinessForPreston was born.  It has been rewarding to me to hear about how others have shared happiness – such creative ways, and touching gestures.  It has helped me continue to feel like a mother to my angel.  I hope that it has been just as meaningful to anyone else who has participated over the past years.

 

SpreadHappinessForPreston is a day to pay it forward.  A day to make the world a little brighter and happier.  I hope you will consider participating, if not for Preston, simply because spreading a little happiness has a way of putting a smile on your own face.  Remember that paying it forward doesn’t need to cost a thing – just make it your mission to make someone smile on November 19th.

 

Wishing you a wonderful day, and holiday season as it is upon our door already.

~Cat

 

#SpreadHappinessForPreston 

SpreadHappinessForPreston – Year 7

2020 has brought hardships and devastation to people around the world.  2020 is a year, we’d all like to, quite frankly erase from the calendar.  With the wild ride this year has been, and with no real relief in sight, we are all in need of more kindness and happiness.  Our lives have been flipped upside down, and we’ve had to make a series of adjustments and we are still learning to navigate this “new normal” that is ever changing as new mandates and circumstances continue to change.

SpreadHappinessForPreston turns 7 this year, on 11/19/2020 as this date marks my son Preston’s 7th birthday.  In the early days of my grief after losing our son to SIDS, I desperately needed to find meaning for his life.  I needed to feel like he mattered, however short his life was.  Since Preston radiated with happiness, SpreadHappinessForPreston was born and has been rewarding for me as a mother.  Hopefully it has also been for all those who have participated, or for the  beneficiaries of an act of kindness made in my son’s memory.

SpreadHappiness for Preston is a day to pay it forward.  A day to make the world a little brighter and happier.  I ask for your participation on November 19th, not only for Preston, but because our world is hopelessly in need of happiness.  Remember that paying it forward doesn’t need to cost a thing – just make it your mission to make someone smile that day. J

Giving someone the gift of happiness, will not only make them feel good, it will also give you the feels.  As the wise Maya Angelou once said I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.  I attest to this.  When I hear that someone has participated, or learn of their act of kindness, I remember it, and it makes me smile like no other.

Wishing you a wonderful day, and holiday season as it is upon our door already.

#SpreadHappinessForPreston

Preston <3

SpreadHappinessForPreston - Year 6 - November 19, 2019

SpreadHappinessForPreston is turning 6 on November 19, 2019. For those unfamiliar with this event, it is something I created 6 years ago to honor my son, Preston, who passed away (SIDS) when he was 16 weeks old. November 19th is his birthday and since Preston was the happiest baby, it made sense for me to create a movement to spread as much happiness as I could around the world on his birthday.

As I have with years past, I encourage you and your loved ones to complete acts of kindness to make this a day as happy as can be, all around the world. Through blogging, and message boards, Preston’s story has travelled all around the world – from Russia to South Africa and Australia. Though my blogging days are mostly a thing of the past, blogging on spreadhappinessforpreston.blogspot.com allowed me to connect with other bereaved parents, no matter their physical location. Writing was a wonderful and powerful outlet for my grief, and I made amazing connections during this time.

Preston was a shining light and continues to be from up above. He embodied happiness. His smiles and giggles live in my heart and brighten up my days. It’s for this reason that I want to share him with the world, and want to make the world, if only a little, a happier place on his birthday. Heaven knows our world could use more happiness.

As Preston’s younger sister, Samantha (Sami), gets older (almost 4), she often asks about her brother and it’s certainly been a challenge teaching her about heaven and where her brother is. We have never shied away from talking about Preston with Sami and he is part of the blessing she says before dinner. She loves her brother, even though she has never met him, I know that he watches over her and that they share a special bond.

Just as Preston always has a place in our hearts, I hope that you find a place for him in yours, and join SpreadHappinessForPreston as it, and Preston turn 6.

I found this quote a few years back, and it seems so fitting that I mention it every year:

Happiness is like jam. You can’t spread even a little without getting some on yourself. – Anonymous

May completing an act of kindness bring a smile to your face, just as much as it does the recipient. Remember that making someone smile, can be as simple as giving a hug, sharing happy memories, or letting someone go ahead of you at Starbucks.

Thank you in advance for your participation, it brings me joy to share my son and his memory with you. If you are so inclined to share your acts of kindness on social media, please use #SpreadHappinessForPreston …I know it’s a mouthful J Or you may share them with me via email (my personal email is tsunaze1@gmail.com or on my blog’s Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/SpreadHappinessForPreston

Have a blessed day and Thanksgiving!
Kindest Regards,
~Cat

SpreadHappinessForPreston - Year 5

SpreadHappinessForPreston is turning 5 on November 19, 2018.  If you are unfamiliar with this event, it’s something I created 5 years ago to honor my son, Preston, who passed away (SIDS) when he was 16 weeks old.  November 19th is his birthday.

This annual event is one where I encourage people to complete acts of kindness to make this day as happy as can be around the world.  Preston’s memory has travelled all over the world reaching far-away places like South Africa, a place I don’t have any family or friends.  I have connected with a lot of people from all over the world through a blog (spreadhappinessforpreston.blogspot.com) that I wrote during my first years as a bereaved mom.  It’s amazing the connections you can make with people when grieving so heavily.

I’ve always said that Preston embodied happiness.  He always smiled and hardly ever fussed.  I still carry all his smiles with me, and they continue to brighten up my days.  For this reason, I think it’s just so fitting to try to make as many people smile as possible.

We’ve since been blessed with Preston’s baby sister, Samantha (Sami), who will be turning 3 in December.  She brings us so much happiness and is the light of our lives.  But Preston is never forgotten, and always on our minds.  I hope that you find a place for him in yours, and join SpreadHappinessForPreston as it, and Preston turns 5. 

May it bring a smile to your face as you complete an act (or acts if you are so inclined) of kindness.  Remember that making someone smile, can be as simple as giving them a hug, sharing happy memories, or letting someone go in front of you at the grocery store.

Happiness is like jam.  You can’t spread even a little without getting some on yourself. – Anonymous

Thank you in advance for your participation, it means the absolute world to me to share my son and his memory with you.  If you are so inclined to share your acts of kindness on social media, please use #SpreadHappinessForPreston …I know it’s a mouthful. :)  Or you may share them with me via email (my personal email is tsunaze1@gmail.com or on my blog’s Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/SpreadHappinessForPreston.

Have a blessed day and Thanksgiving!

Sincerely,

~Cat