The Light He Left Behind

It's been a while since I wrote a post out of the blue.  This one has been whirling in my mind for weeks, maybe even months.  Lately, I've been lost in my own thoughts, thinking about Preston.  I always miss him, but lately I've been especially aware of that missing piece of me that flew to heaven so many years ago.

I'm not sure why he's been so top of mind recently.  It's not as though a day goes by where I don't think of him.  Preston is part of our daily lives.  We mention his name every night when we say a blessing before dinner.  

Maybe it's that Samantha has mentioned him a lot in the past few months.  About missing out on having a sibling, her older brother.  Even though she never met him, she shares a deep connection with him and loves him dearly.  And that's where my heart breaks all over again.  Not just for me, but for her.  Seeing her cry over him tears me apart.  Absolutely apart.

However, I don't want this to be a depressing post.  In times of reflection, I often turn to music and I came upon a song I didn't know... you know me and lyrics.  In the past 8 months or so, I've met some wonderful people.  And like everyone, I know some of them carry their own struggles.  I have mine too, even if I often keep them tucked deep inside.  Recently, I opened up and shared Preston with a few of them, and this post just feels like something I should put out there for anyone that's facing their own something.  With a lot of them in mind.

The song is Iridescent by Linkin Park, from 2010; one I'd somehow never heard before, which is surprising given how much I listen to their music.  The first time I heard it, it hit me like a Mack truck.  It felt like someone had put into words every single feeling I had 11+ years ago, when everything was still so raw.  It took me back.  In a good way, but also in a way that really hurt.  A beautiful kind of ache.  I listened again and again and again, letting it wash over me.  That's what I do.  Music can be so incredibly healing to me.  Maybe it will be for you too.. Give it a listen, let it soak in and if you care to, see what it meant for me.

"When you were standing in the wake of devastation

When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown

And with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying, "Save me now"

You were there, impossibly alone"

I cannot think of better words to describe how I felt when everything first happened.  Quite frankly, I was in such a fog that I probably couldn't.  And even though I was surrounded by loved ones, and I'm oh so thankful for them all - I often still felt completely and utterly alone.  

While the grief may have been swallowing me whole, I had to keep breathing.. I knew it was what Preston would want for his Mama.  Somehow, that was enough to keep me moving.  And with perspective, I'm able to realize that I wasn't as alone as I thought.  I was being carried, piece by piece, by love.  His.  Mine.  By others going through similar pain... And even now, by those around me, many of whom are carrying their own something.

"Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure's all you've known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go, let it go"

I relate so deeply to the chorus.  The numbness created by grief was stiflingly agonizing and isolating.  With my own body failing me over and over again, whether with Crohn's or preeclampsia or with placental insufficiency, the struggle was no joke.  So many tears, so many internal disparaging comments to myself about not being enough for my own children.

Yet, I somehow was able to overcome the pain, the self inflicted guilt, and the frustration of my body doing the opposite of what I needed from it.  Most of my strength comes from Preston.  And my support system.  But I should give myself more credit.  It was by letting go of what was out of my control that I was able to see the light.  The hope.  What a gift to the world my little boy was.  I've likely said it in this blog a bunch of times - control what you can.  It can be a freeing feeling to slowly drop one of the many stones that you carry with you everywhere you go.  Perhaps that's one of Preston's gifts to me - a reminder to keep putting down the stones I can't carry, so that I can hold onto what really matters.  Love, hope, and the light he left behind that still shines iridescently.

"And in a burst of light that blinded every angel

As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars

You felt the gravity of tempered grace falling into empty space

No one there to catch you in their arms"

For me, this verse again echoes a lot of what I expressed earlier.  The loss was so disorienting, all my hopes and dreams fragmented into dust.  It was easy to feel the weight of the loss pulling me into darkness where it felt like no one could catch me.  

And yet, with time and a lot of internalizing, I've come to see that I was held up all along.  By grace, patience, love and that same brightness Preston left behind - like a beautifully hand-painted summer starry night.

All this to say - whatever the gravity of what you are dealing with is.  However alone you may feel.  To quote a friend, if you are heading toward darkness and just keep going toward more darkness.  Know this - you. are. not. alone.  If anything - you have Preston, shining his beautiful soul upon you.  You have me, who will also listen and lift you up.  And, you may not know it - but you have so much more than that. <3 

SpreadHappinessForPreston – Year 11 – 11/19/2024

 The more time elapses since losing Preston, I realize that gradually less are acquainted with my son; his story.  Concurrently, finding the right inspiration to write this yearly post becomes more challenging.  A symptom of being 10 years removed from the initial loss and shock of it all?

 

I’ll start here:  After losing my 16-week-old son to SIDS in March 2014, in an attempt to feel less alone and isolated, I spent sleepless nights reading quotes about grief, frequented forums for bereaved parents and read blogs about infant loss.  One story stayed with me: a family who had lost their daughter made it a mission to pay it forward in her memory.  With that in mind, I started a blog journaling my own journey, sharing my innermost thoughts, letting myself be vulnerable, all in the hopes of helping others going through a similar devasting loss.  I incorporated the “pay it forward” philosophy aiming to inspire others to spread happiness on Preston’s birthday (November 19th).  Preston was such a happy baby - he embodied happiness I’ve always said.   It only seemed fitting to brand his birthday and my blog: SpreadHappinessForPreston.

 

This blog was also my emotional outlet.  It prevented me from being swallowed by darkness.  In time, I’ve come to realize that others related to the range of emotions I detailed: pain, confusion, anxiety, guilt, numbness.  Succeeding wasn’t possible with every post, however I attempted to be a beacon of hope and positivity every time I wrote.  The roller coaster ride I embarked on over 10 years ago has a lot less twists and turns, ups and downs, but when they happen, I often find myself reading my own posts for inspiration and solace.  Crazy thing is, a lot of it, I don’t even remember writing.  This attests that there is such a thing as grief fog.

 

That said, please know that whatever you are going through, you are never alone.  Someone else has gone through it, is going through it right now.  I understand feeling alone, and that it can feel impossible – but please reach out to someone if you are struggling. You got this! ♥

 

Preston and SpreadHappinessForPreston turn 11 this year, on Tuesday 11/19/2024.  To say that I’ve been overwhelmed through the years by reading how others have spread happiness is an understatement.  Throughout the darkness that exists in our world, there is still a lot of brightness.  I hope that those who participate find it meaningful and know that it touches my heart and soul more deeply that I could ever imagine; it gives me purpose as Preston’s mother, and gives his short life purpose just as much.

 

SpreadHappinessForPreston makes the world a happier place, certainly brighter – if only for a day.  I hope you will consider participating in spreading happiness on Preston’s birthday.  If not in memory of Preston, simply because spreading happiness improves our own well-being by feeling the genuine joy for someone else’s happiness.  Paying it forward doesn’t need to cost a thing – just make it your mission to make someone smile on November 19th.

 

Wishing you a blissfully happy day, and joyous Thanksgiving and Holiday season.

"I'll find you out on the horizon"

 Dear Preston,

Tomorrow’s that awful day again.  10 years.  I’m facing that conundrum again where time both feels like it’s flown by, but at the same time it has ticked on at the pace of a snail’s crawl.

10 years.  How is that even remotely possible?  The emptiness is still there, the ache ever so present, the wound doesn’t heal.  It’s scar tissue, on top of scar tissue for every time the wound slowly tries to heal to self-preserve but is re-opened by moments, words, thoughts, sounds.  Most days are filled with smiles, laugher, good moments.  But these feelings of emptiness are never really far… hiding beneath the surface.

I’m obsessed with the new Linkin Park song – Friendly Fire.  It just spoke to me the first time I heard it.  Chester’s voice.  The lyrics.  “I was supposed to protect you, no matter what’s to come”.  Tears my heart every time – because it’s true – I was supposed to protect you, that’s my job!  But  I can’t stop listening to it.  I guess sometimes you just have to feel the hurt. The need for the hurt.  Feels wrong.  Yet makes me feel closer to you.

“We’re strangers in between the darkness, diving underneath.  I’ll find you out on the horizon”.  I do often wonder if we are strangers.  What would you look like?  What would you be like?  What would your passions be?  I know you would have been an excellent big brother, because you are even if you aren’t here.  Your sister loves you so much.  And I know in my heart and soul that you’re her guardian angel.

I ask myself these questions so often.  Too often.  I know we certainly aren’t strangers as you’re a part of me.  The missing puzzle piece.  But, I will find you out on the horizon – another rainbow? In heaven?

Know that you eternally live in my heart, even when it’s hard and I just want to run away from it all.  There are days where I could just drive around for hours, listening to music, thinking about you.

I’ll snuggle your sister all day if I can tomorrow.  It helps, having her close, safe.  You’d be proud of her, she’s a little spitfire.  Tenacious, definitely her own person and she won’t let you forget it.  Keep an eye on her, ok?  She’s heading in challenging years.

I miss you.  Every. Day.  It’s been a rough couple of months leading to this day.  I’ve done a lot of soul searching, reading my own blog and thoughts.  Not remembering a lot of it was jarring – quite the revelation of really being in a grief fog.  Helpful.  Heart-wrenching.  Cause for hope.  I suppose, all things I needed leading to today.

Keep on spreading that happiness my love.  Perhaps this was one of the sadder posts and letters I’ve written, at least in a long time.  I needed it.  Not having that same need and inspiration to write made me forget how soothing and releasing it could be to just bear my soul for whoever will read it.  Hopefully it helps others, and not just me.  That’s always been my goal – for you to have that purpose.  Your life meant something, and not just to me.

I love you always.

Mama 

PS. Send me some rays of sunshine or something tomorrow won’t cha?

SpreadHappinessForPreston – Year 10 – 11/19/2023

A decade.  Funny that when we turn 10 and even 20, we’re quite excited for the milestone and it seems like it took forever to get there.  A decade now?  Makes me feel old.  It feels like it flew by.  Yet, there are days when my heart feels like everything just happened yesterday.  10 years ago, this is not how I anticipated preparing for Preston’s 10th birthday and at the risk of letting myself be totally vulnerable – it’s been a difficult couple of months of anticipation.  I feel like I could breakdown at any moment, with no particular trigger.

At the height of my grief, when I lost my son, I needed his life to have had meaning.  I needed to feel that as his mom, I was doing something.  Coping with losing my son to SIDS, I blogged almost daily.  Yes as an outlet, but mostly in an effort to provide solace to other bereaved parents.  I started the blog after conceptualizing turning my son’s birthday into a day where happiness could be spread around the world.  I hoped my blog could have the same effect on any other day as readers connected with my pain, confusion, anxiety, guilt, etc. 

It seemed like an unattainable goal for Preston to have an impact on the world, but I’ve always felt that if Preston and my experience could help just one person, I’d be fulfilled…and I can say that today, I do feel like I achieved my goal.  However, don’t let that fool you into thinking you won’t hear from me again next year!  Though my blog never went viral, it’s had over 70k views, with 8k in the past year despite the fact that I don’t blog anymore.  Views: 70% USA, 10% Singapore, 8% Canada, 12% - over 15 other countries.  I’d say mission accomplished; Preston has left an imprint on the world.

SpreadHappinessForPreston turns 10 this year, on Sunday 11/19/2023.  This date marks Preston’s 10th birthday.  I’ve been overwhelmed through the years by reading how others have shared happiness through touching gestures, in creative ways and with just the simplest of things.  Knowing happiness is shared with my son in mind has a soothing effect on my heart and reminds me that I can still be his mother, even when he’s in heaven.  I pray that it has been just as meaningful to anyone else who has participated over the past years and continues to be for those who have been along for the ride since the beginning.

I’ve learned in these past several years that though my initial goal was to provide support for bereaved parents, my experience applies to anyone who has experienced loss.  Grief is a journey we all eventually must learn to stumble through and I hope that even if in the smallest of ways, my story can help you feel that you are not, and never will be alone.

SpreadHappinessForPreston is a day to make the world a little happier, certainly brighter.  I hope you will consider participating in spreading happiness on Preston’s birthday.  If not in memory of Preston, simply because spreading happiness has a way of ricocheting by putting a smile on your own face.  Remember that paying it forward doesn’t need to cost a thing – just make it your mission to make someone smile on November 19th.

Wishing you a wonderful day, weekend and Thanksgiving. Sincerely,

~Cat

PS. I’d love to hear how you have shared happiness.  You can use #SpreadHappinessForPreston on social media, comment on my blog - http://spreadhappinessforpreston.blogspot.com/, you can tag me @tsunaze1 or email me – tsunaze1@gmail.com.  I’m a total nerd and Tsunaze was my World of Warcraft character name… if you were curious 😎

PSS. If you aren’t totally sick of me yet, I happened upon a post I wrote on 10/28/2015 that I just wanted to share an excerpt given everything else I wrote about above – if you’re struggling with grief right now, perhaps it can be a little glimmer of hope ♥

SpreadHappinessForPreston - Year 9

Time is a funny thing.  During difficult times, it appears to travel at a snail’s pace.  During enjoyable vacations, you blink and it’s over.  Looking back on the past 9 years, it seems like it was just yesterday that my son was born, and yet the dull ache in my heart is a constant reminder of how long it’s been. Over 9 years ago, I envisioned turning my son’s birthday into a day where happiness is shared all around the world.  Big dreams, but in my grief-stricken mind, I needed his life to have mattered.  At the time, I blogged almost every day to cope with the loss of my son to SIDS.  This outlet did wonders for my grief, and I was able to connect with other bereaved individuals.  During this time, I know that Preston’s life had meaning. That our story helped others not feel so alone.  It was amazing to see the statistics of my blog (ha, the nerd in me) and to see it’s reach to other continents. 

 

Grief has not left me, nor would I want it to.  However, instead of living in my shadow, it’s better explained as an intruder that pokes it’s head in from time to time, either totally unexpectedly or triggered by “x”, “y” or “z”.  Perhaps one of the most important things I’ve learned through the years is that grief does not have a linear path.  It’s better described as a roller-coaster ride, where in time, the twists and turns are simply less intense and less frequent. 

 

SpreadHappinessForPreston turns 9 this year, this Saturday on 11/19/2022.  This date marks my son Preston’s 9th birthday.  The idea of SpreadHappinessForPreston came to me through reading other stories, similar to mine, where one family paid it forward in memory of their daughter.  Since Preston radiated happiness, SpreadHappinessForPreston was born.  It has been rewarding to me to hear about how others have shared happiness – creative ways, touching gestures and just the simple things.  It has helped me continue to feel like a mother to my angel.  I hope that it has been just as meaningful to anyone else who has participated over the past years and continues to be for those who have been along for the ride since year 1. 🤍

 

SpreadHappinessForPreston is a day to pay it forward.  A day to make the world a little brighter and happier.  I hope you will consider participating, if not for Preston, simply because spreading a little happiness has a way of putting a smile on your own face.  Remember that paying it forward doesn’t need to cost a thing – just make it your mission to make someone smile on November 19th.

 

Wishing you a wonderful day, weekend and holiday season.

#SpreadHappinessForPreston

Spread Happiness for Preston - Year 8

It’s hard to fathom how much time has passed since I first conceptualized the idea of turning my son’s birthday into a day where happiness is shared with as many people as possible.  Where in my grief-stricken mind, I wished his little life could have an impact on the world, as I needed his time on earth to have a meaning.  And for a time, I know he did.  I know my story touched and helped others going through similar experiences.  I blogged almost every day pouring out my heart in order to cope with the loss of my son to SIDS.

 

The grief still lives in me, but less on the surface; more like an intruder that pokes it’s head in from time to time, usually unexpectedly.  I never thought I’d be one to go through panic attacks, but I’ve certainly had a couple this year totally catching me off-guard (I didn’t realize it was happening until it was over).  Grief is not a linear path, and continues to be a roller-coaster ride, the twists and turns are simply less intense, less frequent.

 

With the constant ups and downs that the pandemic has brought to all our lives, it goes without saying that we are all in need of more kindness and happiness as we all navigate this ride that is life.

 

SpreadHappinessForPreston turns 8 this year, tomorrow on 11/19/2021.  This date marks my son Preston’s 8th birthday.  The idea of SpreadHappinessForPreston came to me through reading other stories, similar to mine, where one family paid it forward in memory of their daughter.  Since Preston radiated with happiness, SpreadHappinessForPreston was born.  It has been rewarding to me to hear about how others have shared happiness – such creative ways, and touching gestures.  It has helped me continue to feel like a mother to my angel.  I hope that it has been just as meaningful to anyone else who has participated over the past years.

 

SpreadHappinessForPreston is a day to pay it forward.  A day to make the world a little brighter and happier.  I hope you will consider participating, if not for Preston, simply because spreading a little happiness has a way of putting a smile on your own face.  Remember that paying it forward doesn’t need to cost a thing – just make it your mission to make someone smile on November 19th.

 

Wishing you a wonderful day, and holiday season as it is upon our door already.

~Cat

 

#SpreadHappinessForPreston 

SpreadHappinessForPreston – Year 7

2020 has brought hardships and devastation to people around the world.  2020 is a year, we’d all like to, quite frankly erase from the calendar.  With the wild ride this year has been, and with no real relief in sight, we are all in need of more kindness and happiness.  Our lives have been flipped upside down, and we’ve had to make a series of adjustments and we are still learning to navigate this “new normal” that is ever changing as new mandates and circumstances continue to change.

SpreadHappinessForPreston turns 7 this year, on 11/19/2020 as this date marks my son Preston’s 7th birthday.  In the early days of my grief after losing our son to SIDS, I desperately needed to find meaning for his life.  I needed to feel like he mattered, however short his life was.  Since Preston radiated with happiness, SpreadHappinessForPreston was born and has been rewarding for me as a mother.  Hopefully it has also been for all those who have participated, or for the  beneficiaries of an act of kindness made in my son’s memory.

SpreadHappiness for Preston is a day to pay it forward.  A day to make the world a little brighter and happier.  I ask for your participation on November 19th, not only for Preston, but because our world is hopelessly in need of happiness.  Remember that paying it forward doesn’t need to cost a thing – just make it your mission to make someone smile that day. J

Giving someone the gift of happiness, will not only make them feel good, it will also give you the feels.  As the wise Maya Angelou once said I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.  I attest to this.  When I hear that someone has participated, or learn of their act of kindness, I remember it, and it makes me smile like no other.

Wishing you a wonderful day, and holiday season as it is upon our door already.

#SpreadHappinessForPreston

Preston <3