Rocky Bear

Pictured above with Sami is Rocky Bear.  I named him that way because we got him from Rocky Mountain Children's Hospital when Sami had to be admitted for jaundice.  Rocky Bear was in her billi bed with her the whole time.  

I felt a weird connection with this bear.  Perhaps it was because he watched over her at all times.  Perhaps it was because Preston's nursery theme was bears and it made me feel like he was watching over her.  Perhaps, in some bizarre way, I felt like part of his soul was in this bear.

Sami, now almost 6 weeks old, enjoys kicking around in her bassinet.  She enjoys moving around, and baby talking and almost shrieking with happiness.  She talks a lot to Rocky Bear and he has a great listening ear.

I continue to feel like Preston is somehow connected to this bear.  I miss my son so much, even though I am over the moon filled with happiness with my little girl.  Perhaps it is wishful thinking to hope that he's around.  But isn't it possible?  Is it so bad to want to believe?

Sami's Corner - 1 month

Time flies when you're having fun! Boy I can't believe Sami is already a month old (actually 5 weeks old tomorrow).  Don't grow up too fast little girl!

Weight & Length: As of 1/18/15, Samantha weighed 6 lbs 15.8 oz.  So just shy of 7 lbs!  She's in the 2.1 percentile, but she's gaining weight consistently at the approximate rate of 1 oz a day, which is what we want.  As for length, she's in the 25th percentile coming in at 21 & 1/4 inches. That's an increase of 1.5 inches!

Features: Her darker strands of hair have lightened.  Her eyes still appear to be grey, however every once in a while they seem to have a tint of blue in them.  She is still a little jaundiced, but not in a worrisome way.  Breastfed babies can keep a yellowish tint for up to 10 weeks of age.  She looks a lot better though.  We have her sit in her swing by the window every day to help.

Feedings:  She still eats well but developed some sensitivity issues which cause fussiness.  Her pediatrician believes it's a sensitivity to the protein in cow's milk which she gets through breastmilk.  Therefore, I stopped consuming dairy about two weeks ago.  Her fussiness has decreased, and her diapers are more normal.  Hopefully this sensitivity clears up which from what I've read and heard. Her time between feedings still varies.  She has gone 4 and a half hours several times at night.  During the day, due to her first major spit up yesterday after falling asleep while eating, we've decided that we will let her go longer than 3 hours during the day if she so wishes.  We will try to limit her to 4 hours though, so that she sleeps longer at night.

Sleep:  She has been sleeping a little less as she enjoys kicking and cooing on her back after feedings.  As mentioned above, she has gone 4.5 hours between feedings several times.  This usually equates to 3-3.5 hour sleep sessions, which is great for her and for me.  I've had a few 3 hours of sleep without interruption.  It's fabulous.  I do have nights where I sleep less, depending on how she feeds and burps and of course how sleepy she actually is.

Likes:  She loves to be held.  Sometimes, she won't sleep unless she's in my arms.  It's a nice feeling to be so needed, but when you are sleep deprived, it can be really tough.  I've written half this post with her in my arms as she wakes up every time I put her down.  I'm getting rather talented at completing things with one hand!  On Sunday, on her 1 month "birthday", she had her first real bath.  She LOVED it.  It was so fun.  She likes her soothy/binky.  Helps her fall asleep.  She loves looking at the ceiling fan and light fixtures.

Dislikes:  She has started to show a dislike for being wet, though it's not quite as intense as it was with her brother.  She doesn't like having an upset tummy, who would?  It breaks my heart when she has one, especially since it's likely caused by something I ate :(.  She doesn't like the hiccups, which she gets a lot.  She does not like to be swaddled.  We can get away with it if we leave her hands free.  If her hands are pinned down, beware!

Mama's fears:  I've become more accustomed to her "normal" sounds, though some of them are still scary sounding.  That being said, I'm able to sleep more easily, though I usually stay up 15-30 minutes after putting her down in her bassinet at night.  My latest fear is that I've slept through some of her fussiness which scares me that I might not wake So, Sami, no choking allowed.

Mama's proud moments:  We just started tummy time on her activity mat, which she doesn't seem to mind.  She does better doing tummy time on mama's chest.  She can lift her head and keep it up for 20-25 seconds.  Really strong girl!  I feel like she's getting really close to her first smile and squeals.  I can't wait!!  She's starting to look around and take in her surroundings.

Just because:  Aside from Rocky Bear, whom she talks to a lot, she also likes Owly, a stuffed owl that was Preston's.  Owly has huge eyes, and bells that jingle when she (involuntarily) swats at him.  She loves the taste of her vitamin D.  It smells sweet, so looks like she hasn't lost her sweet tooth.

Pictures:

Wait, I'm how old? No way!! That happened too fast.

Hi Dada!! Thanks for helping mama take cute pictures of me.

Having a good time!

Censored! LOL

Are we done yet?

The frowny face, otherwise known as the furrowed brow.  A look she gets from her Mama... and I didn't even have to teach her!

Playtime in the bassinet.  I love squirming!!!

Full belly!

Sleep

Preston - 3 weeks old

Sleep.  It's meant so many things in my life.  For years, I would sleep a lot.  On weekends, I would sleep until the late hours of the morning.  After my bowel resection surgery, I figured out that I slept that much because my body needed it to try and heal itself.  Crohn's disease had taken it's toll on my body, as I was tired.  All the time.  After the surgery, I began needing less sleep, a significant amount less of sleep.

When Preston was born, sleep was difficult for the first month or so.  He was so small, and I worried at all the little noises he made.  Plus, I was up every 2 and a half hours to pump and feed him.  As he got bigger, and didn't need to eat so often, I began sleeping more.  Looking back on my time with him, even with his small size, and being a first time mother, I only remember being exhausted a couple times.  Sleep was never something that bothered me.

After he passed away, sleep was really hard to come by.  The evenings and nights had been ours.  The late night feedings.  Rocking in the nursery.  Telling stories.  Playing after his evening feeding until it was time for sleep.  It was all gone and I struggled.  For a while, I had to take anxiety pills so that I could actually sleep.  After I had gone back to work, during the week, I'd get just a couple hours of sleep each night.  It would take forever for me to fall asleep.  A couple hours after going to bed, when I finally would pass out, I would soon wake up.  4 to 5 times a night.  Again it would take a while to fall asleep, perhaps not hours, but by the end of the night, if I had 2-3 hours of sleep... that was pretty good.  To allow my heart, body and head to rest.. Friday and Saturday nights, I would take Xanax.  It lasted for a couple months until I was able to get a little more sleep as time went on.

With Samantha... sleep is difficult.  I constantly feel the need to check on her.  Mostly because of what happened to Preston.  But, she has a lot of noises that freak us out.  One in particular where the squeaking noise she makes sounds like she's choking, but she's not.  Needless to say, it often keeps me up.

When she doesn't burp well, I usually can't sleep for fear that she'll spit up and choke.  This usually only happens when she falls asleep while eating. This has resulted in many sleepless nights.  I do try to sleep.  I really do.  And some nights, I manage.  Other nights, like last night, I fail miserably.  Her noises were really difficult - on top of her usual squeaking, she sounded like she was wheezing.  I was alone with her, and it was enough to give me a panic attack.  Finally she fell asleep and when she woke up in the middle of the night, the wheezing was gone.  I didn't get any sleep until the early AM hours.

With time, I hope that sleep will come more easily.  I hope that Sami's noises become less stressful.  As time goes on, she will sleep more at night which will hopefully result in the same for me.  In the meantime, I take it a day at a time and take some daytime naps, when sleepless nights occur.

Samantha - 3 weeks old

Possibly my favorite picture.  The only picture that shows both my babies.  Preston represented in my special locket around my neck, and Samantha in my arms. <3

Sami's Corner - 2 weeks

Throughout my pregnancy with Samantha, I contemplated how to blog about her once she was born.  I thought about creating a whole new blog for her.  I thought about creating a page within this blog for her.  Finally, I landed on setting up a special series called "Sami's Corner".  Since the goal of my blog is to help spread happiness, along with discussing my feelings on loss, I thought it would be nice to have this series within Preston's blog.  He'd want there to be a happy moments on this blog.

And let's face it, there aren't a whole lot of resources on having a baby after losing a baby.  Hopefully, this series can bring hope to others walking a similar path.  Hopefully, it can shed some light into my soul, for those who walk this journey with me.  Those who hold my hand.  Those who hug me with their words from afar.

I hope you enjoy this series, as I share my daughter with you :)


Weight & Length: As of 1/2/2016, at 16 days of age, Samantha was back to her birth weight, 5 lbs 13 oz.  She also had grown a full inch measuring 19 & 3/4 inches.  We're so proud of our little girl!

Features: Her eyes are currently grey.  We wonder if they will stay this way, or perhaps change to blue.  Or perhaps they will stay grey with the chance of changing to blue and/or green like many of the men in her family.  Daddy's blue eyes that change grey?  Grandpa's eyes that are grey that change green?  Or other Grandpa's eyes that are grey that change blue and green.  It's a wonder.  Her hair seems to have a couple different shades.  A darkish shade of brown around the middle, and a blond hue towards the bottom of her head and on the sides.  Another mystery we are excited to figure out.

Feedings:  Little miss eats well.  Usually every 3 hours, though she'll go four hours at night.... and then sometimes she wants to eat every 1.5 hours to 2 hours.  She's a little champ!

Sleep: She can be a little night owl.  I guess she gets that from me.  However, with offering her more stimulation during the day, she's slowly starting to figure out that the day is the time to be awake, instead of the middle of the night.  Slowly, I am able to sleep a couple hours here and there during the night, at the same time as everyone else.  It's scary but slowly, I'm getting there.  As long as she burps well, and doesn't spit up.

Likes: She likes eating.  She enjoys cuddling with Mama (Mama loves it too).  Sleeping.  Kinda sounds like me! LOL

Dislikes: Up until last week, she disliked getting dressed.  She would cry every time we changed her.  She seems to be warming up to it lately.  Likewise, up until last week, she didn't seem to care about having a wet/messy diaper.  She has grown to dislike it since then... which makes our life easier if you ask me.  Less risk for a totally full diaper!  She does not like to have her hands swaddled. At all.

Mama's fears: My biggest fear is obviously to lose her.  She scares me every time she coughs from eating too fast,  Scares me every time she makes her "normal" high pitched squeaks that make it sound like she's gasping for air.  She scares me every time she spits up, even though her spit ups don't even come near to what Preston would do.  This makes it hard to sleep when any of these occurrences happen around nighttime.  They account for many sleepless hours.

Mama's proud moments: I am so proud that Samantha has reached her birth weight again.  It makes me so happy after having worried too much over her jaundice.  I want to say that she smiled at me once, aside from the smiles she makes in her sleep.  And once she giggled in her sleep... sweetest sound ever.  She lifts her head when doing semi-tummy time on Mama's chest.  Looking forward to so many more proud moments.

Just because: While in the hospital on the billi-bed, Sami had a little friend watching over her the whole time - Rocky Bear.  I like to think it was a symbol of Preston watching over her.

Pictures: Sharing too many.  She's just too cute! :)

Mere moments after birth.  I was rather loopy from the anti-nausea meds but rather remember everything :)

What a cutie pie!!

With Dada

Merry Christmas!!

Little drama queen

Mama, I'm hungry!!!

What's that over there?

Happy New Year!!

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Who's this lady? I think I know her.

You can't pin my arms down!!

Embarking on a new roller coaster ride

Hard to believe that our daughter was born 2 weeks ago already!  We are so thrilled and blessed.  That being said, it has been an incredibly emotional 2 weeks.

The fears of loss in pregnancy, and the fears for a healthy baby went away when Samantha was born.  She had a good cry when she came into the world and although she was small (5 lbs 13 oz), she looked healthy.  While these fears went away, new fears appeared.  Fears I knew would be there, but feeling them has been more overwhelming than anticipated.

It is difficult to sleep.  Not because I have to be up every three hours to feed our baby, but because of that crippling fear of loss.  I constantly feel like I need to watch her.  That need has lessened since the first few days, but it is still there.  At this time, the only person I trust to watch her as I sleep is my husband.  It's not that I don't want to trust other people, I'm just still very sensitive to the loss of Preston, and that loss has created an immense fear of losing our daughter too.  I do not want to live in fear forever, and every day it seems to slowly get better, but it will take time.

The most stressful moments so far?  There has been several but the stand outs - when the nurse took our daughter for her 15 minute check up on night two (or one?) and she was gone for 30 minutes.  She hadn't been eating well and it felt like at times she was choking.  My tired mind, and my aching heart jumped to irrational conclusions and I began to panic that something was wrong.  Turns out, she had some amniotic fluid in her belly which was making it hard for her to feed, so they decided to do a lavage, removing all the fluids from her belly.  Not being aware that this was going on, I had a mini anxiety attack and hubby went to look for her.  All in all, everything ended well as she started feeding better again.

The other moment was when we were re-admitted a day after going home due to Samantha having jaundice.  Our little girl had to go on the bili-bed.  It was absolutely gut-wrenching.  Her cries as she couldn't see anything due to the baby goggles.  Her cries as we couldn't pick her up to soothe her.  Her constant wiggling from one side to the other as she tried to soothe herself.  Finally, we decided to give her a pacifier to help her fall asleep.  It worked as long as she sucked on it long enough without spitting it out.  For what felt like hours, I would have to stand there, with my finger propping the pacifier, all the while trying not to provide any shade on her.  She was on the high-tech bed and LED lights for 14 hours... some of the longest hours of my life.  Moments of relief happened every three hours when I got to pick her up and feed her.  Needless to say, I didn't sleep for the duration of our hospital stay (which thankfully was only about 24 hours).

We've had a lot of happy times, which I plan to write about.  I've also struggled with memories of Preston.  The first time I rocked Samantha in the nursery as it reminded me of the times I spent with Preston in that same room.  Listening to the songs that play from the baby swing.  Sometimes, just holding her.

As we embark on this new ride, I am reminded that it will be filled with twists, turns, highs and lows.  I pray that the lows are few, though I know I will never cease to miss my son.  I pray that the twists and turns are minor.  Most of all, I pray that Samantha lives a long (very long), healthy life.

The day before

Dear Preston,

We bought you a new ornament this year.  I think it's a nice tradition to get you one yearly; make you part of our celebration.  In 2013, I bought you "Baby's First Christmas", never once thinking it would be the only one we spent together.  Last year, I made the ball ornament at our Angel Eyes Christmas gathering meeting.  This year, we got you a bunny ornament since bunnies always make me think of you.

I hope you come join us, somehow, someway for this year's Christmas celebration.  We'll have a candle lit all day, as we did last year.  We put up decorations this year.  A tree, stockings (we have one for you too), and the Christmas village.  That's about it though.  Maybe next year, we'll muster up the courage to put up lights outside and more decorations indoor.

With your sister on the way, having something to celebrate at Christmas has been easier this year than last.  However, it doesn't make it easy.  I don't know that it will ever be easy.  Forever, we will be missing you.  On our laps, in our arms, running around.  Your smile, and pure love.  We do have one thing though - you will ALWAYS be in our hearts.  Wherever we go, whatever we do.

Tomorrow, as you know, things will be changing...

Your sister will be making her entrance into the world.  Know that this does not mean I won't be thinking of you every day.  Please know that our relationship doesn't change.  I will always love you.  You will always live in my heart, and a piece of my heart will always be with you.  No one, not even your sister, will ever fully mend my broken heart.

Love you always,
Mama


As for you my dear blog readers, yes, you read correctly.  Samantha will be here in less than 24 hours.  For the past 2 weeks, I've been on bed rest at home.  While I haven't been confined to an actual bed, my activities have been extremely limited.  Making easy meals, running a few errands, decorating the Christmas tree, wrapping presents, and doing a lot of sitting down and watching TV.

I've also been going to my OB's office twice a week.  I've been plagued with headaches, some days they are worse than others.  My blood pressure has fluctuated between normal and slightly high.  But I've had no other symptoms displaying possible pre-eclampsia like I did two years ago when I was pregnant with Preston.  On Friday, my OB wanted to see us again on Monday, as to evaluate if I was starting to go into labor, and to make a plan given that she's going out of town this upcoming Friday.  Monday, there were absolutely no signs of me being in labor.  As with every visit, I had a non-stress test and everything looked good.  Baby girl had a good heartbeat and moved around.  However, when came time to measure my belly for size, my doctor felt that the baby might be small.  For this reason, she asked us to return the next day for a full growth ultra-sound.

We did just that.  Tuesday morning, despite the blizzard, we drove to her office, waited a long time since the ultra-sound tech was late, and had the scan.  Things looked good on the monitor aside from Samantha's size.  Two weeks ago, she was measuring 6 lbs 1 oz.  At this point in pregnancy, she should be gaining about half a pound a week.  She measured 6 lbs 5 oz yesterday.

My doctor believes that what is happening is that my placenta is starting to calcify earlier than it should, restricting the nutrients that are being supplied to baby girl through the umbilical cord.  She's active, has grown, and is performing her "breathing exercises" inside the womb which are great signs.  However, having her come out now will give her the best opportunity to really thrive, and grow.

And so, I have a c-section scheduled tomorrow.  I'm not in labor, and am not exhibiting any signs of labor.  I was induced when I wasn't in labor 2 years ago and that resulted in a c-section.  Given my history of pre-eclampsia, and the fact that my blood pressure hasn't been super stable, my doctor, who usually doesn't recommend c-sections, suggested that this was the route for us to go down.  It is the safest and best choice for both my health and the baby's.  The other reassuring factor - I'll be 39 weeks along tomorrow.  That's a good month more cooking than what Preston got.

In just over 12 hours time, our little darling girl will be here.  We are stoked.  We are nervous.  We are happy, and anxious.  For me, this pregnancy has been filled with ups and downs.  Fears of loss, fears of complications.  While those fears aren't completely gone, and I know that a different fear of loss will appear tomorrow, I am looking forward to meeting this little girl that's been squirming inside of me for the better part of 2015.

I can only pray that she has a long life ahead of her.  I will pray day in and day out.  Bad days, hard days will come.  I know it.  But I hope, that all in all, we give Samantha a long happy life.  And a healthy one.

Looking forward to meeting you little lady! Stay tuned ;)

Familiar hallways

Monday, we found ourselves walking down all too familiar hallways.  The hallways of the old Sky Ridge birth center where we spent a lot of time with Preston.  Past those NICU doors that felt like a second home for a while.

Monday, I had my regularly scheduled, monthly OB appointment.  My blood pressure was slightly elevated, and not wanting to take any chances, I was taken to the hospital for some monitoring.  Monitoring of my blood pressure, and a nonstress test for the baby.  This test records movement, heartbeat and contractions.  I also went through a couple other tests like blood tests.

We sat there for a couple hours, maybe a few hours.  My blood pressure went down and the whole time my baby girl's vitals looked great.

It was quite the scare.  The possibility of pre-eclampsia again.  The thought of having Samantha arrive early.  It was rather overwhelming, and probably did not help my blood pressure.

As a precaution, and to give the baby the best chance to go full term, I've been placed on bed rest.  Not strict bed rest in the hospital, but for the most part, I'm refined to the couch/bed.  I can get up to make some lunch, take a shower, etc.  I'm however not allowed to work on any projects, such as cleaning the pantry, or getting the baby's room ready.  Good thing that's all done!


This is day 4 of my bed rest situation.  While I'm bored, I'm thankful for this chance to give my daughter her best chance at staying inside the womb for another 3 weeks.  I also keep reminding myself of all the signs my son has sent me in the past week, to try and reassure me that things will be alright.

The day before my birthday, just over a week ago, on my way home, I decided to listen to music out of the blue.  Iris came on.  A little while later, as the train stopped at the University station, I saw the weirdest rainbow - there was a sticker on a sign.  The sticker was of a odd looking man... wearing a rainbow hat.  As the train went on, not even a station or two later, there was a bunny hopping along a hill.

That was just one day.  There have been several more signs since then - the biggest one is how active Samantha has been during the nonstress tests (we had another one yesterday).  This keeps mama calm, and I'm thankful for Preston communicating that to his sister when I need that from her.

3 more weeks.  I pray that I don't need to walk down those halls again.  Should we have to though, I feel that everything will work out.  Still, I pray for 3 more weeks of pregnancy.