Sleep

Preston - 3 weeks old

Sleep.  It's meant so many things in my life.  For years, I would sleep a lot.  On weekends, I would sleep until the late hours of the morning.  After my bowel resection surgery, I figured out that I slept that much because my body needed it to try and heal itself.  Crohn's disease had taken it's toll on my body, as I was tired.  All the time.  After the surgery, I began needing less sleep, a significant amount less of sleep.

When Preston was born, sleep was difficult for the first month or so.  He was so small, and I worried at all the little noises he made.  Plus, I was up every 2 and a half hours to pump and feed him.  As he got bigger, and didn't need to eat so often, I began sleeping more.  Looking back on my time with him, even with his small size, and being a first time mother, I only remember being exhausted a couple times.  Sleep was never something that bothered me.

After he passed away, sleep was really hard to come by.  The evenings and nights had been ours.  The late night feedings.  Rocking in the nursery.  Telling stories.  Playing after his evening feeding until it was time for sleep.  It was all gone and I struggled.  For a while, I had to take anxiety pills so that I could actually sleep.  After I had gone back to work, during the week, I'd get just a couple hours of sleep each night.  It would take forever for me to fall asleep.  A couple hours after going to bed, when I finally would pass out, I would soon wake up.  4 to 5 times a night.  Again it would take a while to fall asleep, perhaps not hours, but by the end of the night, if I had 2-3 hours of sleep... that was pretty good.  To allow my heart, body and head to rest.. Friday and Saturday nights, I would take Xanax.  It lasted for a couple months until I was able to get a little more sleep as time went on.

With Samantha... sleep is difficult.  I constantly feel the need to check on her.  Mostly because of what happened to Preston.  But, she has a lot of noises that freak us out.  One in particular where the squeaking noise she makes sounds like she's choking, but she's not.  Needless to say, it often keeps me up.

When she doesn't burp well, I usually can't sleep for fear that she'll spit up and choke.  This usually only happens when she falls asleep while eating. This has resulted in many sleepless nights.  I do try to sleep.  I really do.  And some nights, I manage.  Other nights, like last night, I fail miserably.  Her noises were really difficult - on top of her usual squeaking, she sounded like she was wheezing.  I was alone with her, and it was enough to give me a panic attack.  Finally she fell asleep and when she woke up in the middle of the night, the wheezing was gone.  I didn't get any sleep until the early AM hours.

With time, I hope that sleep will come more easily.  I hope that Sami's noises become less stressful.  As time goes on, she will sleep more at night which will hopefully result in the same for me.  In the meantime, I take it a day at a time and take some daytime naps, when sleepless nights occur.

Samantha - 3 weeks old

Possibly my favorite picture.  The only picture that shows both my babies.  Preston represented in my special locket around my neck, and Samantha in my arms. <3

Sami's Corner - 2 weeks

Throughout my pregnancy with Samantha, I contemplated how to blog about her once she was born.  I thought about creating a whole new blog for her.  I thought about creating a page within this blog for her.  Finally, I landed on setting up a special series called "Sami's Corner".  Since the goal of my blog is to help spread happiness, along with discussing my feelings on loss, I thought it would be nice to have this series within Preston's blog.  He'd want there to be a happy moments on this blog.

And let's face it, there aren't a whole lot of resources on having a baby after losing a baby.  Hopefully, this series can bring hope to others walking a similar path.  Hopefully, it can shed some light into my soul, for those who walk this journey with me.  Those who hold my hand.  Those who hug me with their words from afar.

I hope you enjoy this series, as I share my daughter with you :)


Weight & Length: As of 1/2/2016, at 16 days of age, Samantha was back to her birth weight, 5 lbs 13 oz.  She also had grown a full inch measuring 19 & 3/4 inches.  We're so proud of our little girl!

Features: Her eyes are currently grey.  We wonder if they will stay this way, or perhaps change to blue.  Or perhaps they will stay grey with the chance of changing to blue and/or green like many of the men in her family.  Daddy's blue eyes that change grey?  Grandpa's eyes that are grey that change green?  Or other Grandpa's eyes that are grey that change blue and green.  It's a wonder.  Her hair seems to have a couple different shades.  A darkish shade of brown around the middle, and a blond hue towards the bottom of her head and on the sides.  Another mystery we are excited to figure out.

Feedings:  Little miss eats well.  Usually every 3 hours, though she'll go four hours at night.... and then sometimes she wants to eat every 1.5 hours to 2 hours.  She's a little champ!

Sleep: She can be a little night owl.  I guess she gets that from me.  However, with offering her more stimulation during the day, she's slowly starting to figure out that the day is the time to be awake, instead of the middle of the night.  Slowly, I am able to sleep a couple hours here and there during the night, at the same time as everyone else.  It's scary but slowly, I'm getting there.  As long as she burps well, and doesn't spit up.

Likes: She likes eating.  She enjoys cuddling with Mama (Mama loves it too).  Sleeping.  Kinda sounds like me! LOL

Dislikes: Up until last week, she disliked getting dressed.  She would cry every time we changed her.  She seems to be warming up to it lately.  Likewise, up until last week, she didn't seem to care about having a wet/messy diaper.  She has grown to dislike it since then... which makes our life easier if you ask me.  Less risk for a totally full diaper!  She does not like to have her hands swaddled. At all.

Mama's fears: My biggest fear is obviously to lose her.  She scares me every time she coughs from eating too fast,  Scares me every time she makes her "normal" high pitched squeaks that make it sound like she's gasping for air.  She scares me every time she spits up, even though her spit ups don't even come near to what Preston would do.  This makes it hard to sleep when any of these occurrences happen around nighttime.  They account for many sleepless hours.

Mama's proud moments: I am so proud that Samantha has reached her birth weight again.  It makes me so happy after having worried too much over her jaundice.  I want to say that she smiled at me once, aside from the smiles she makes in her sleep.  And once she giggled in her sleep... sweetest sound ever.  She lifts her head when doing semi-tummy time on Mama's chest.  Looking forward to so many more proud moments.

Just because: While in the hospital on the billi-bed, Sami had a little friend watching over her the whole time - Rocky Bear.  I like to think it was a symbol of Preston watching over her.

Pictures: Sharing too many.  She's just too cute! :)

Mere moments after birth.  I was rather loopy from the anti-nausea meds but rather remember everything :)

What a cutie pie!!

With Dada

Merry Christmas!!

Little drama queen

Mama, I'm hungry!!!

What's that over there?

Happy New Year!!

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Who's this lady? I think I know her.

You can't pin my arms down!!

Embarking on a new roller coaster ride

Hard to believe that our daughter was born 2 weeks ago already!  We are so thrilled and blessed.  That being said, it has been an incredibly emotional 2 weeks.

The fears of loss in pregnancy, and the fears for a healthy baby went away when Samantha was born.  She had a good cry when she came into the world and although she was small (5 lbs 13 oz), she looked healthy.  While these fears went away, new fears appeared.  Fears I knew would be there, but feeling them has been more overwhelming than anticipated.

It is difficult to sleep.  Not because I have to be up every three hours to feed our baby, but because of that crippling fear of loss.  I constantly feel like I need to watch her.  That need has lessened since the first few days, but it is still there.  At this time, the only person I trust to watch her as I sleep is my husband.  It's not that I don't want to trust other people, I'm just still very sensitive to the loss of Preston, and that loss has created an immense fear of losing our daughter too.  I do not want to live in fear forever, and every day it seems to slowly get better, but it will take time.

The most stressful moments so far?  There has been several but the stand outs - when the nurse took our daughter for her 15 minute check up on night two (or one?) and she was gone for 30 minutes.  She hadn't been eating well and it felt like at times she was choking.  My tired mind, and my aching heart jumped to irrational conclusions and I began to panic that something was wrong.  Turns out, she had some amniotic fluid in her belly which was making it hard for her to feed, so they decided to do a lavage, removing all the fluids from her belly.  Not being aware that this was going on, I had a mini anxiety attack and hubby went to look for her.  All in all, everything ended well as she started feeding better again.

The other moment was when we were re-admitted a day after going home due to Samantha having jaundice.  Our little girl had to go on the bili-bed.  It was absolutely gut-wrenching.  Her cries as she couldn't see anything due to the baby goggles.  Her cries as we couldn't pick her up to soothe her.  Her constant wiggling from one side to the other as she tried to soothe herself.  Finally, we decided to give her a pacifier to help her fall asleep.  It worked as long as she sucked on it long enough without spitting it out.  For what felt like hours, I would have to stand there, with my finger propping the pacifier, all the while trying not to provide any shade on her.  She was on the high-tech bed and LED lights for 14 hours... some of the longest hours of my life.  Moments of relief happened every three hours when I got to pick her up and feed her.  Needless to say, I didn't sleep for the duration of our hospital stay (which thankfully was only about 24 hours).

We've had a lot of happy times, which I plan to write about.  I've also struggled with memories of Preston.  The first time I rocked Samantha in the nursery as it reminded me of the times I spent with Preston in that same room.  Listening to the songs that play from the baby swing.  Sometimes, just holding her.

As we embark on this new ride, I am reminded that it will be filled with twists, turns, highs and lows.  I pray that the lows are few, though I know I will never cease to miss my son.  I pray that the twists and turns are minor.  Most of all, I pray that Samantha lives a long (very long), healthy life.

The day before

Dear Preston,

We bought you a new ornament this year.  I think it's a nice tradition to get you one yearly; make you part of our celebration.  In 2013, I bought you "Baby's First Christmas", never once thinking it would be the only one we spent together.  Last year, I made the ball ornament at our Angel Eyes Christmas gathering meeting.  This year, we got you a bunny ornament since bunnies always make me think of you.

I hope you come join us, somehow, someway for this year's Christmas celebration.  We'll have a candle lit all day, as we did last year.  We put up decorations this year.  A tree, stockings (we have one for you too), and the Christmas village.  That's about it though.  Maybe next year, we'll muster up the courage to put up lights outside and more decorations indoor.

With your sister on the way, having something to celebrate at Christmas has been easier this year than last.  However, it doesn't make it easy.  I don't know that it will ever be easy.  Forever, we will be missing you.  On our laps, in our arms, running around.  Your smile, and pure love.  We do have one thing though - you will ALWAYS be in our hearts.  Wherever we go, whatever we do.

Tomorrow, as you know, things will be changing...

Your sister will be making her entrance into the world.  Know that this does not mean I won't be thinking of you every day.  Please know that our relationship doesn't change.  I will always love you.  You will always live in my heart, and a piece of my heart will always be with you.  No one, not even your sister, will ever fully mend my broken heart.

Love you always,
Mama


As for you my dear blog readers, yes, you read correctly.  Samantha will be here in less than 24 hours.  For the past 2 weeks, I've been on bed rest at home.  While I haven't been confined to an actual bed, my activities have been extremely limited.  Making easy meals, running a few errands, decorating the Christmas tree, wrapping presents, and doing a lot of sitting down and watching TV.

I've also been going to my OB's office twice a week.  I've been plagued with headaches, some days they are worse than others.  My blood pressure has fluctuated between normal and slightly high.  But I've had no other symptoms displaying possible pre-eclampsia like I did two years ago when I was pregnant with Preston.  On Friday, my OB wanted to see us again on Monday, as to evaluate if I was starting to go into labor, and to make a plan given that she's going out of town this upcoming Friday.  Monday, there were absolutely no signs of me being in labor.  As with every visit, I had a non-stress test and everything looked good.  Baby girl had a good heartbeat and moved around.  However, when came time to measure my belly for size, my doctor felt that the baby might be small.  For this reason, she asked us to return the next day for a full growth ultra-sound.

We did just that.  Tuesday morning, despite the blizzard, we drove to her office, waited a long time since the ultra-sound tech was late, and had the scan.  Things looked good on the monitor aside from Samantha's size.  Two weeks ago, she was measuring 6 lbs 1 oz.  At this point in pregnancy, she should be gaining about half a pound a week.  She measured 6 lbs 5 oz yesterday.

My doctor believes that what is happening is that my placenta is starting to calcify earlier than it should, restricting the nutrients that are being supplied to baby girl through the umbilical cord.  She's active, has grown, and is performing her "breathing exercises" inside the womb which are great signs.  However, having her come out now will give her the best opportunity to really thrive, and grow.

And so, I have a c-section scheduled tomorrow.  I'm not in labor, and am not exhibiting any signs of labor.  I was induced when I wasn't in labor 2 years ago and that resulted in a c-section.  Given my history of pre-eclampsia, and the fact that my blood pressure hasn't been super stable, my doctor, who usually doesn't recommend c-sections, suggested that this was the route for us to go down.  It is the safest and best choice for both my health and the baby's.  The other reassuring factor - I'll be 39 weeks along tomorrow.  That's a good month more cooking than what Preston got.

In just over 12 hours time, our little darling girl will be here.  We are stoked.  We are nervous.  We are happy, and anxious.  For me, this pregnancy has been filled with ups and downs.  Fears of loss, fears of complications.  While those fears aren't completely gone, and I know that a different fear of loss will appear tomorrow, I am looking forward to meeting this little girl that's been squirming inside of me for the better part of 2015.

I can only pray that she has a long life ahead of her.  I will pray day in and day out.  Bad days, hard days will come.  I know it.  But I hope, that all in all, we give Samantha a long happy life.  And a healthy one.

Looking forward to meeting you little lady! Stay tuned ;)

Familiar hallways

Monday, we found ourselves walking down all too familiar hallways.  The hallways of the old Sky Ridge birth center where we spent a lot of time with Preston.  Past those NICU doors that felt like a second home for a while.

Monday, I had my regularly scheduled, monthly OB appointment.  My blood pressure was slightly elevated, and not wanting to take any chances, I was taken to the hospital for some monitoring.  Monitoring of my blood pressure, and a nonstress test for the baby.  This test records movement, heartbeat and contractions.  I also went through a couple other tests like blood tests.

We sat there for a couple hours, maybe a few hours.  My blood pressure went down and the whole time my baby girl's vitals looked great.

It was quite the scare.  The possibility of pre-eclampsia again.  The thought of having Samantha arrive early.  It was rather overwhelming, and probably did not help my blood pressure.

As a precaution, and to give the baby the best chance to go full term, I've been placed on bed rest.  Not strict bed rest in the hospital, but for the most part, I'm refined to the couch/bed.  I can get up to make some lunch, take a shower, etc.  I'm however not allowed to work on any projects, such as cleaning the pantry, or getting the baby's room ready.  Good thing that's all done!


This is day 4 of my bed rest situation.  While I'm bored, I'm thankful for this chance to give my daughter her best chance at staying inside the womb for another 3 weeks.  I also keep reminding myself of all the signs my son has sent me in the past week, to try and reassure me that things will be alright.

The day before my birthday, just over a week ago, on my way home, I decided to listen to music out of the blue.  Iris came on.  A little while later, as the train stopped at the University station, I saw the weirdest rainbow - there was a sticker on a sign.  The sticker was of a odd looking man... wearing a rainbow hat.  As the train went on, not even a station or two later, there was a bunny hopping along a hill.

That was just one day.  There have been several more signs since then - the biggest one is how active Samantha has been during the nonstress tests (we had another one yesterday).  This keeps mama calm, and I'm thankful for Preston communicating that to his sister when I need that from her.

3 more weeks.  I pray that I don't need to walk down those halls again.  Should we have to though, I feel that everything will work out.  Still, I pray for 3 more weeks of pregnancy.

Happiness is...

Preston's birthday has come and gone.  I have a hard time grasping the fact that he'd be a two year old toddler running wildly around the house.

Preston's birthday was a wonderful day.  The morning started a little emotionally, but as the day went on, it was happier and happier.  So many people participated in #SpreadHappinessForPreston.  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.  Thank you for allowing our son into your lives, into your hearts.  Thank you for letting him be the reason you smiled, and helped others smile.

So many acts of kindness occurred.  I'd like to share those that I know of:

• Cynthia smiles at everyone she saw on November 19th.  Additionally, she let someone go ahead of her at the gas station.  She donated to a food drive.  She also shared with me that on the radio that morning, they talked about random acts of kindness.  Coincidence?  This led me to learn a new quote: "Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous" - Albert Einstein.  Signs are everywhere.  They really are. Thank you bella.
• Trina spread some joy in Maryland. Thanks Trina!
• Lynette played "elf" to struggling mothers in need of diapers and wipes.  She does this every year in memory of her grandson Barrett.  She gives a letter to the recipients to explain why she does it, and she was so gracious to add Preston's name to the letter this year.  Thank you Lynette.  I'm so touched that you included Preston.  I can just see Barrett and Preston looking down on you with huge smiles.
• Dana brought dessert for the person behind her at the drive-through.  How sweet! Thank you Dana.
• Carol donated to the Calgary Food Bank.  She also bought 10 Tim Horton's gift cards to give away to people who were in need of a hot meal. So generous Carol.  Thank you for your generosity.  Not only helping people, but bringing smiles at the same time.
• Jocelyn and Burnell spent the day visiting local charities to make donations.  They gave away coffee and filled baskets with food for those in need.  Additionally, my lovely aunt shared a nice quote that made me smile: "Tell someone you love them today.  Tomorrow is not promised.  To my family and friends - I love you".  I love you aunt Jocelyn. xxx
• Natalie gave out gift cards to Tim Horton's and donated to a food bank.  She also shared Preston's message so that more people could spread happiness in his name. Thank you Natalie <3
• Lori bought a lotto ticket and proceeded to give it to the clerk who sold it to her.  That's so sweet.  She also packed groceries for a food bank, drove some coworkers home so that they could avoid waiting in the rain, get a break from public transportation and also donated to the Children's Wish Foundation.  So incredibly generous and thoughtful. Thank you Lori!
• Lisa donated to pencils for progress which helps build schools in Africa.  My son's soul and smiles are travelling all around the world.  I'm so moved by this.  Thank you so much Lisa!
• Paula and her 4 year old did a large grocery and donated it to a food bank.  Thank you for donating your time and money.  It's so special to see that my son's legacy is not only creating smiles, but helping people in need. Thank you!
• Alicia and James donated books to their daughter's school library and brought Tim Horton's to their other daughter's preschool.  They gave coffee to strangers, donated toys to charity and have helped spread Preston's message like no other.  So many people participated because of these 2. Thank you guys.  xxxx
• Vicki donated to a local food bank and donated 2 new toys to a local charity.  I like that.  Maybe I'll have to do that next year, donate 3 toys for Preston's 3rd birthday, and so on each year.  Thank you for your generosity and wonderful idea!
• Meghann made to-go breakfast for her husband who was running behind on the day.  She spread a lot of love in Washington and encouraged positivity.  Thank you lovely <3
• Jamie bought a lady who was celebrating her 50th birthday a drink from Preston.  How sweet and thoughtful.  Thank you for participating and sharing Preston's message again this year. <3
• Brittani sent flowers to someone special.. and from what I saw on Facebook later on, those flowers totally made your friend's day.  How super sweet <3.  Thank you Brittani!
• Andrea shared Preston's message. Thank you!
• Dayna bought lunch and a cupcake for a 7 month pregnant homeless girl.  Such a thoughtful act of kindness.  Dayna, I was so touched. xxx
• Kimm sent me some onesies, pyjamas and bibs for Samantha.  She also sent me month stickers to take pictures of my little girl as she gets older.  She also sent me homemade cards which are so beautiful.  Thank you Kimm.  It was so unnecessary, but know that I am incredibly moved. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
• Jessica donated another bear to the "Dolls for Daughters" toy shop in Preston's honor.
• Lisa spread happiness in Hawaii. Mahalo Lisa! <3
• Liz in Maine brought bagels for the teachers and staff at her daughter's school.  She and her daughter also gave gift cards for coffee to the secretaries at the school.  They sent flowers to her godmother, paid for someone at the drive-through and donated to a children's charity.  I'm so touched Liz.  So incredibly touched.  And the letter that your daughter wrote and included with the donations.. so moving: "This is for my aunt's friends son who died.  Hope it makes you smile #SpreadHappinessForPreston".  Thank you Liz and Audrey!!
• My cousin Marie sent me a coat for Samantha from France where she currently resides.  I don't know that she could have planned for us to receive the precious little coat on Preston's birthday, but we did.  It made us smile.  Merci Marie, Harold et Augustin. xxxx
• One of my neighbor's, who is also pregnant due March 24th I believe, gave us some beautiful white roses.  I'm so touched that she remembered Preston's birthday.  Last year I sent letters around my neighborhood, but I didn't do it this year.  I thought about it, but just didn't have the energy :(.  Thank you so much for the thoughtful gift, gesture and again for remembering our son.
• My parents donated to the SIDS Foundation in Canada.
• My husband brought pizza over to the fire station by our house.  This is the station of the men who gave their all to try and save our son.  We are eternally grateful to these men.  I was so touched that one of them wrote to me on my blog.  One of these men, also lost a son, and shared that he also has a blog: ourlittlehippie.com which shares the story of his son Liam.  I've read several passages and feel like it might be a great resource for me given that they did have a child after losing their son. Thank you for sharing.  And thank you to you and your crew, for all that you do for the community. <3
• Charlene spread happiness on Preston's birthday. Thank you Charlene!
• Brittney taped some popcorn and money to redboxes for movie rentals.  And she also left something nice for the UPS driver.  Thank you Britt! That was super sweet of you! xxx
• Bill donated to a food bank.
• Dayle spread happiness. Thanks Dayle! <3
• Debby spread happiness too! Thank you Debby!
• Kip donated to the Angel Eyes foundation in Preston's name. Thank you Kip! I'm so touched!
• Lisa spread happiness! Thank you Lisa!
• Nan spread happiness in Wyoming! Thanks Nan!!
• Wanda spread a lot of happiness in Colorado. Thank you Wanda <3
• Jocelyn treated a friend to lunch and left a 400% tip for the waitress. How touching!
• Kay spread happiness! Thank you Kay! <3
• Katherine spread some happiness in Idaho.  Thank you so much!
• I gave to a food bank and also donated some Starbucks gift cards.  

Last but not least, this story brought tears to my eyes and I really wanted to share it.  It's from Justine, who also lost a baby:

On Preston's birthday, Justine was thinking of Preston and me.  She and her husband were at Walmart and saw a little boy who grabbed their attention.  He was looking through the holes of the egg boxes which were stacked to the ceiling with new eggs waiting to be unpacked.  She could tell that he had special needs.  Both her and her husband are nurses and love kids and have many little friends with special needs.  They were walking behind this little boy and his father and he turned around and gave them this great big smile.  Her husband approached the dad to see if they could give the boy a dollar to buy some candy.  They found out that Jeremiah (the little boy) has microcephaly (incomplete brain development) and collects dollars in a scrapbook with people's signatures on them.  And they wanted to give him a dollar before finding this out!  Justine's husband and Jeremiah's dad talked for a good 30 minutes.  Justine went on to tell me that it seems that dads are often overlooked when it comes to losing a baby and grief.  They probably feel more alone than us mothers.  I have to agree with her, I think there appears to be less resources for men, and it might just be because society has the expectation that they should be strong no matter what.  Justine says "they are programmed to be strong and they are there for us.  No one talks about this and they ask them about us" (how are we, the mom doing).  Jeremiah's dad shared with her husband that it was hard to deal with Jeremiah's diagnosis, but that they had gone through something harder.  He and his wife had just lost a baby in July and "you aren't supposed to talk about it".  Her husband went on to share that they too had lost a baby in August.  They talked about loss and Jeremiah's dad said that God had sent them because he didn't have anyone who understood.  

Justine shared with me that it was God working through me and Preston, keeping their eyes open on Preston's birthday, for a chance to share some happiness.  "It was just like jam... it got on us all".

Justine, this story touched me to my very core.  God works in mysterious ways.  Coincidences? Not so much.  Signs that our babies are waiting for us to make it to the kingdom of Heaven one day.

To everyone who spread happiness on Preston's birthday, no matter how you did so - thank you.  Thank you for keeping a special place for Preston in your heart, in your life.  Thank you for allowing his legacy, his smile live on.  I hope that this was an experience that not only made someone else smile, helped someone else, but that it also made you smile.

This and that...

Where does the time go.  Every time I want to sit down and write, something comes up or it's time for bed!  Tonight, while every inch of me wants to just sit and watch General Hospital where interesting things are happening (yay November sweeps!), I am taking the time to write.  For myself, for Preston, and for anyone who might get something out of this.

The Nursery

Samantha's room has been coming along nicely.  The wall painting is complete and I love the way the light lilac color looks next to the baby blue wall.  I'm even more excited that hubby ended up liking the lighter lilac color like I did... mostly because of it's name -- Guardian Angel.  Doesn't that seem so appropriate?  We moved the crib from the left side of the room to the right side of the room just to give it a different feel.  I'm starting to look forward to spending a lot of time in there.  The door to her and Preston's room has been open for weeks now, and it feels nice.  It feels like a happy room again.

The one disappointment has been that the decal stars and moon aren't sticking to the wall very well.  We even tried to get them to adhere to the wall better using a hot iron.  Time to get some spray adhesive me thinks...

Approaching 34-35 weeks

We believe Preston was born at about 35 weeks, if not 34 weeks, despite what the doctors say.  I will be 34 weeks along with Samantha tomorrow.  That realization has been weighing on my mind for the past couple weeks.  I try to remain calm as everything seems to be going well, however it's still scary.  The sight of possible swelling freaks me out.  Hearing someone tell me that there was "no way" I was making it all the way to December 24th, sent me for a tailspin.  What not to say to a grieving mama, to a mama who had preeclampsia and who had a baby too early?  That.  That is a great example of what not to say.

I have an appointment with my OB this Friday, so I hope that will help calm my nerves.  I'm not panicking or anything, but it's constantly at the back of my mind.  I try to remain positive.  Really, I just want things to be okay and normal.  For once.

Preston's birthday and #SpreadHappinessForPreston

I can't believe my baby would be 2 years old in just about a week.  I feel like I haven't pushed #SpreadHappinessForPreston enough this year.  Last year, I wrote to the Ellen show.  Last year, I physically mailed a letter to everyone that lives on my street, it's tributary streets and the street across from the greenbelt behind our house.  I didn't do it this year, even though I had the intention to.

I thought of writing to the local newspaper to share my story, Preston's story, his smile and his message.  

In my heart, I've hoped that #SpreadHappinessForPreston becomes bigger every year.  I don't know that it will be and I only have myself to blame.  I hope mama didn't disappoint you baby boy.

Signs

Signs from Preston aren't as frequent as they once were.  I see the occasional bunny.  Rainbows are rare.  I was on the train last week.  Upset due to the fact that someone thought I wouldn't make it to Christmas Eve.  I've gained about 20-25 lbs.  I'm not huge by any means, so I'm not sure why this was said to me (not that I have any qualms about my weight or anything).

Well I turned on Pandora and accidentally hit the "Shuffle" bar and there it was... Iris.  I just about cried... and I did feel better and smiled

I tell you, signs exist.

Halloween

For the second year in a row, I didn't quite know what to expect with this holiday.  I'd been looking forward to it so much last year, wanting to see my little boy as a cute lion.  I expected a lot more children to stop by on Halloween since it was a weekend day.  Maybe a total of 45 kids stopped by, most of them in droves of about 10.  I feel like I hardly had a chance to see their costumes.  My favorite?  I can't even remember.

Brett and I thought of Preston that evening.  We wondered what costume we might have put him in this year.  I think we landed on a bear cub.  Seems fitting given that was the theme of his nursery was teddy bears.

I was able to capture a beautiful sunset before the children started ringing the doorbell.  Golden clouds above barren trees.  The calm and cool air felt peaceful and made me feel close to my son.

The zoo

The weekend before Halloween, we went to the zoo with our close friends and their two children.  It's something I'd wanted to do with Preston at some point, especially knowing his love for big cats.  He seemed so enthralled as he watched them on TV in the morning with his dad.

It was packed at the zoo.  I guess it was a special day where you could bring your child in costume and they could trick or treat in the zoo.  Cool concept.  I enjoyed watching our friends' two year old marvel at some of the animals.  And while I struggled seeing some of the animals I think would have interested Preston, I feel like he followed us there and spent the way with us.  On the way home, we stopped at BabiesRUs and bought a bunch of clothes for Samantha, as well as decorations for her room.  It was a nice family day.

On a side note, if you haven't gotten a chance to go to the Denver Zoo lately, I strongly recommend going while the Lego exhibits are still scattered around the zoo.  They are stunning sculptures.  I believe this is a travelling exhibit, so if you aren't in Denver, hopefully it comes to a zoo near you! ;)

That's about all that's going on with me.  I hope that everyone who reads this is well.  Sending you lots of love, courage, and smiles.  Until next time <3