Positively February: Day 10

"She stood in the storm & when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails." - Elizabeth Edwards

According to Wikipedia, Elizabeth Edwards was "an American attorney, a best-selling author and a health care activist."  I'd never heard of her, and I'm certainly thankful for having come across her story.  Her 16-17 year old son passed away after a car accident in 1996.  She had breast cancer, which she appeared to have beaten, however it came back with a vengeance and she passed away in 2010.  In her shortened life, she accomplished so much.  She survived the loss of a child.  She dealt with infidelity.  She suffered through cancer.  Yet, she accomplished so much.  She was a lawyer.  She was a teacher.  She was a mother.  She was an author and wrote about her struggles, the unthinkable pain of losing a child, and battling cancer.  I will be purchasing both her books for certain, as while her life battles are not the same, they resemble mine.  I feel like I would easily be able to relate to her thoughts and experiences, having too suffered the loss of my son, and deal with an incurable illness.  She definitely found her purpose.

It seems to me, that often times, after living through trauma, you tend to seek a meaning, a purpose.  Why am I on this earth? I must be here for a reason!  I thought it was just me, until I read my friend Rachel's blog post titled: In Pursuit of Purpose.  I have so much to say on the subject, that I really haven't commented on her post.  I plan to email Rachel because really, this post is so completely inspiring and exactly what I needed to read.

I think Elizabeth Edwards' quote ties perfectly into this.  Life can be filled with storms, with winds that will knock us down.  And there are times where it is really difficult to navigate through this storm.  The fog can totally cloud our vision.  The trick is to learn to sail.  You don't get it right the first time you try.  You will always need to re-adjust the sails, but when you do, things will feel easier, better.

All these metaphors to say, life will keep throwing "stuff" at you.  Things you can't handle, don't want to deal with but have to learn to live with.  And sometimes you won't be able to, and that's perfectly ok.  When you find that purpose, those reasons to keep going, you will create a new routine.  Things will never be the same, but you have control of what you do, what you think.  By making changes, adjustments, you will find your meaning.  That meaning may be to become a nurse.  Or it could be to follow that childhood dream of becoming a teacher.  That meaning could be to concentrate all your energy on being a mother - whether it be biologically, through adoption or surrogacy or even through fostering a child.  I'm sure Rachel's blog could give you a lot of insight on that.

Really, the possibilities are endless.  I hope you find your purpose.

Positively February: Day 9

"You are not alone"

I saw this quote this morning on Facebook, on the First Candle SIDS/SUID Support Group Page.  It's one I've often seen posted by Allison Glover who is a grief counselor at First Candle and manages the Facebook page.  She like me, is a SIDS mom who lost her firstborn son.  She's shared the quote "You are not alone" on several occasions.  I felt it was appropriate for today.

Through grief, we navigate every day and often feel solitude.  We feel excluded.  We feel alone.  Even when surrounded by friends and family, we continually extremely lonely.  Forsaken even.  Our thoughts often propel us further down a path of seclusion.

What we all need to be reminded of though, and often, that we are not alone.  1 in 4 pregnancies result in a loss.  You are not alone.  That means, there's most likely a handful of women you know that have suffered a loss.  Additionally, support groups for all types of losses exist, and I bet you anything, even if your loss doesn't fall exactly into the categories of a certain group, you wouldn't be turned away.  

I attend monthly group meetings for SIDS parents, and while the majority of parents who attend are SIDS parents, I've met several that did not lose their child to SIDS.  They are never shunned, and are more than encouraged to attend.  You are not alone.

Truth is, no one's story is exactly the same, there are people out there who will understand.  There are people who will know the feelings you are experiencing, even if they aren't in the same exact place you are.  Even if they felt anger before guilt, and you felt guilt, then anger.  

You are not alone.

There is a loss community out there for you.  Whether it's on BBC or through a charitable organization like First Candle, or Angel Eyes.  Whether it's through a counselor or something suggested by your church, or doctor.  Whether, it's simply through reading the chronicles of bereaved parents like me through blogs.

To add another quote - "Family isn't always blood.  They're the people in your life who want you in theirs - the ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what".  I'm blessed to have a wonderful family but I'm also extremely fortunate to have my grief family, who make me feel less alone, day in and day out.  I pray every day that I am able to return the love and support you always have shown me.


On a total side note - I wanted to share two pictures of Preston.  They are among my favorites, and you most likely have seen them already.  I like how he goes from totally focused, to all smiles in an instant.  Gotta love that his little leg is out of focus, reminds me how much he loved to kick around all the time.  Miss you baby boy.

I wanted to share those today because I took them one year ago today, on February 9th, 2014.

Positively February: Day 8

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" - Confucius

So you probably think I'm redundant as this goes hand in hand with my mantra - "One day at a time, one step at a time".  That's how important I think it is for us to set small goals especially when you are dealing with the unthinkable, but even if you aren't.  You can't reach the goal without taking steps first.  You can't cross the finish line before crossing the start line.

We often set too many goals at once, or goals that are too ambitious.  Maybe it would be a good idea to set a goal, and then set objectives within that goal.  For example, I want to do a good thorough spring cleaning in the house.  I could say, I want it done by the end of February, or even March, and that could be really unrealistic.  I'm away from the house for basically 12 hours every weekday.  Instead, these are my objectives - one room per weekend.  And if something comes up one weekend where I can't get it done, then so be it.  Whether that "something" be that we're going away for the weekend, or that I'm grieving too hard another.

One foot in front of the other.  One small step at a time.  I truly am on a journey of a thousand miles.  More likely, an endless journey.  By embracing positivity, by allowing healing into my life, and by taking things slow, I hope to make this journey less painful to go through.  For me, for others around me.  For others, who might be able to do the same.

Preston, thank you for helping me keep this attitude, when the biggest part of me, wants nothing to do with positivity and moving forward.  I couldn't do it without having you in my life, in my heart.

Positively February: Day 7

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings into Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." - Eskimo Proverb

In the days and weeks following the loss of Preston, I had a lot of trouble sleeping.  My body was still used to the routine of feeding my son around 10:30-11:00 before putting him down for the night.  I'd just recently returned to work, and really I had this routine down.  I didn't sleep for hours on end, but I didn't feel fatigue all too much.  I was used to sleeping from 11:30 or 12:00 until 5:00.  With that routine being gone, my body didn't really understand trying to go to bed at 10:00.  Nor did my mind.  My mind kept me up for hours on end.  Not knowing what to do, how to grieve, how to do anything really, I tried to read a lot.  Stories of people in my shoes.  Quotes about losing a baby and how to cope.

I remember reading this quote.  Actually, I read probably hundreds of quotes, as tears streamed down my cheeks until there were just no more and the exhaustion took over me and I could finally sleep for maybe 2 or 3 hours.  This quote stayed with me though.  It made looking at the night sky, something that symbolized hope.  Star gazing is something I've always enjoyed.  When we'd go to our fishing cottage, we'd sometimes go out late at night and admire how many stars we could see.  How bright they were!  They seemed so close.  Being 7 hours North of Montreal, they probably were a lot closer.  I get that same sensation here in Colorado.  The stars are so much brighter.  They seem bigger.

I love this Eskimo proverb because it's so simple, and it's something fun to believe in.  Especially now that Preston has his own star!  On his birthday, and #SpreadHappinessForPreston day, my friend and co-worker Lisa gave me a certificate of a star she purchased and had named: Preston William Haugen.  I was so moved by this unique gesture.  I cried.  Happy tears they were.  This star, the love behind it's purchase, makes it easy to look up at the night sky and think of Preston and smile as his love shines down on me.  Much like Preston, Lisa's aunt is in Heaven.  I'm sure they are fast friends, and I love to think that this loving woman is keeping an eye on my son.  And as Lisa said: "They are both now not only our guardian angels, but our shining stars - together".  I agree whole-heartingly.

And if you know me, this probably doesn't surprise you, I looked into this constellation of Giraffe.  It's latin name is actually Camelopardalis, which means camel and leopard.  It was named so because it the constellation appears to have a long neck (like a camel and giraffe) and has spots all over (like a leopard and again giraffe).  I love that it's connected to the leopard as this big cat, is one of the wildcats featured on Big Cat Diary which Brett would watch every morning as he gave Preston his first feeding of the day.  After eating while staring at his favorite colorful painting, Preston would watch the moving shapes of the cats on the television as he sat there digesting, and burping.  He seemed to like it and think the music and narration was calming.

I hope that I can one day see this constellation.  It's to the right of Ursa Major, so it's highly possible.  And if I ever do, I pray that it truly is an opening into Heaven, where maybe, just maybe, I can get a glimpse of Preston shining down on me.

What do you think about when you look up at the night sky?

Positively February: Day 6

"Healing through giref is not about learning to STOP missing you.  It's about learning to live my life WHILE missing you."

These are wise words.  Unfortunately, many grieving parents hear words that would be better left unsaid: "Aren't you over it yet?", "At least he/she was only a few months old, it would have been worse if he/she was older", "You can have other kids", "You will move on, it just takes a bit of time".  I'm sure the intention behind these atrocities are nothing but good, but such statements as these are  terribly hurtful.  Children aren't interchangeable.  A child cannot replace another.  Age doesn't matter, once you are pregnant and long and love your baby, it's traumatic to live through a loss.  You don't move on, or get over it.  Ever.

The wise words above though, they speak the truth.  There is not a day that goes by where I don't miss Preston, think of Preston, and wonder what could have been.  As the time goes tick tock though, I am learning to live my life without him, while missing him.  Missing Preston is part of me now.  It will not go away, and that's perfectly okay.  I can smile and laugh.  I can have fun and relax.  This doesn't mean I'm not grieving.  This doesn't equate to having "moved on" or "being over it".  There's no "at least" in grief.  There's no "being over it" and there is no "moving on".  There is moving forward.  There is healing.

You may be the victim of some harsh words.  I hope with all my heart that I'm right and that if it does happen, the intention wasn't to be hurtful.  People just don't know what to say.  They think they are being helpful, not hurtful.  Losing your child isn't something you ever imagine, or should imagine.  And even if I were in a situation where I would have to say something to someone who lost a baby, I don't think I'd know what to say, and I may mistakenly utter a "at least".

If you have such words said to you, remember this quote.  You don't have to move on because society says you have to.  You don't have to get over it and return to your "old" self.  You will heal, but you will miss your baby forever.  And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. <3

Positively February: Day 5

"The soul always knows what to do to heal itself.  The challenge is to silence the mind." - Caroline Myss

I had to look up who Caroline Myss is, unlike Helen Keller who didn't need an introduction.  Caroline  Myss is an american best-selling author who describes herself as a "medical intuitive" and "a mystic".  This is what I found on Wikipedia anyway.  Regardless of what she calls herself, I really like this quote.

"The soul always know what to do to heal itself."  I suppose that's true.  You often become weak when deeply wounded.  You become tired and you sleep a lot more.  Your thoughts become cloudy as the body attempts to protect the mind, the heart.  You look for answers.  You are moved by the simple gestures, and sometimes simply the whisper of the wind.  You become more in tune with your emotions.  The pettiness around you no longer matters.

At least, that's how it worked for me.  As every individual is different, every soul is distinct in it's own very way.  Hopefully suggestions don't hurt though, and you can attempt a few to see how it feeds your soul.  How it possibly heals your being.

• On your day off, just lay in bed and listen to the sounds of nature early in the morning.  The chirps of the birds.  The soft wind.  The leaves swaying in the trees.
• Take a nature walk.  It doesn't have to be in a field, or forest.  It can be in a simple little park.  Admire the beauty that radiates from all that is living.  And I know, living things, can be a tough concept to grasp.
• Lay in the grass and notice all that is around you.  The vast sky.  The grass beneath you.
• Slow down
• Think about good times.  Cherish those moments.

Those are just a few things to try.

"The challenge is to silence the mind."  Ain't that the truth!  I struggle with my mind a lot.  It keeps trying to push me in directions I don't want to go.  It keeps challenging my faith.  Over and over.  And again.  It keeps wanting answers.  It attempts to bring out the anger that is buried slightly below the surface.  It attacks my healing journey and can make it collapse like a house of cards.

I was blindsided today.  I was looking for something that I knew was among the sympathy cards we received after Preston passed.  I'd forgotten how voluminous this mountain of cards was.  Among them, also a handful of cards celebrating Preston's arrival.  The sheer number of cards, coupled with the reminder of what true happiness felt like.  It was enough to make my head spin.  Moments later, it was hubby who was thrown into a downward spiral, as he needed to get Preston's social security card from his nursery for our tax return.  Because he had to declare Preston as deceased.  The reminders never end do they?

Thankfully we have each other.  We're there when the other struggles.  We often ride this roller coaster ride together though we aren't always in the same car.  And I have a huge support system which includes all my readers.  And everyone, no matter what you are going through - you are not alone.  Remember that when your mind goes to dark places.  

Perhaps what I'm trying to say by all this, as my husband didn't quite understand why this quote was positive - your brain will continue to think about the darkness, the emptiness and the sadness.  The key is to steer it into another direction.  Don't take the "silence the mind" too literally  but rather concentrate on the positives.  For me, as difficult as it is - I concentrate on the 16 weeks I had with Preston.  For baby H, who I only carried for 9 weeks, I cherish those 9 weeks.  How they made me feel.  How amazing seeing the sonogram for the first time felt.  And to a certain extent, I reflect on how the loss made me feel.  The deep emptiness and pain - it showed me a whole new side of love.  And nobody, no thought, no nothing, will ever, ever take that away from me.  My children changed me for the better and that's the most positive thing that could have ever happened to me.

Positively February: Day 4

"A few nice words can help a person a lot more thank you think"

Again, I do not know the author of these words.  It something I stumbled upon and I thought it was so simple, yet so true.

As I'm sure you've heard, words can sting you like a bee.  They can be mean and hurtful.  But, the silver lining is that they can be so nice to hear when the intention behind them is of that of kindness.

I can't describe the overwhelming feeling that came over me the several times I received random messages from strangers who had seen a picture of my son on baby loss forums, and felt compelled to tell me how cute he was.  Or how they had just seen a rainbow and it made them think of my son.  My son who they never met.  I can't begin to tell you how much it meant to me.  How much it made me smile.

It gave me joy.  It made me smile.  It made me feel like the mom of a really special little guy.  It made me feel like my son was making a difference, and really, nothing makes me more proud.

Recently, I've had several people tell me I look great.  This feels really nice since it's been very difficult to lose weight.  It's something I've been struggling with for years because of medications like Prednisone, a pregnancy, and the lack of interest because of the loss of my son.  The fact that people take time out of their day to pay me a compliment, gives me a lot of motivation to keep doing what I'm doing.  The first 5 pounds came off easy.  The next 10 have been arduous and it's a lot of work to keep them off.  I still struggle with it, and I miss eating a lot of foods.  I still have an occasional burger, and of course pizza on the 19th, but I miss bread.  I hardly have any now.

Kind words can be uplifting.  We all have struggles, or bad days.  So, I really try to follow the mantra that is : "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".  It's not worth to add to someone's bad day.  And what's better, saying something nice, might go a really, really long way, and you probably don't even realize it.

What the last nice thing you said to someone, just because?